Currently Nameless Story...

[Akamai Deredal]

Yes, I've written yet another story, but you see, this one is an odd case. I started writing this around the beginning of last year, and I got 172 pages worth on my computer alone, in quite a small font. But the thing is, it was missing several pieces, because my friend and I continually jumped ahead, leaving massive gaping holes in the story. The paragraph structure was abysmal, and it was hard to tell who was saying/doing what. That and it had no plot... But now, we're rewriting it, and in my opinion it's faring much better the second time 'round.

Anyway, I was just curious if anyone would like to critique what we have so far.

(And don't you worry, you'll still be getting more work from Seven Evils shortly. I've hit a bit of a snag. Maybe the RPG will help. ^_^)

Thank you for your time!
Akai

[PippinTook]

bravo! I'd love to read it! *wink* bring it on!
-pip

[Akamai Deredal]

Ramya sat just above the horizon line, her pale face barely lighting the eerie landscape below. Her twin sisters, Xamor and Keti were slowly making their way along the same path, their mirrored glow giving as little light off as their much larger sibling. The night would last another couple of hours before they had all set completely. Two hours before dawn would creep up on this unearthly silent land.
Two hours before the heat would swiftly begin to soak into everything the sun’s rays touched. But now the land was cool, the light breeze drifting from the mountains a welcome guest to the army of leviathans that waited, armed and ready for a siege.
Talket. Considered a peaceful city, it would have appeared to be the same as any other village, but for one small factor; those that inhabited its buildings dwelt underground, safe from the painful sunlight. Each resident was albino, their skin holding barely any pigmentation, if any, and their hair the snowy white associated with senior citizens.
These people were the army’s target. The warriors knew the battle would not last for more than a day, two at the absolute most, but only because of the vast population. The Talket were not people trained for war. Bloodshed was something the children had never even had nightmares about, so serene was the life they lived, sheltered underneath in their own cave.
Now, the passive race lay asleep in their beds, untroubled in their sleep. They knew nothing of the dangers that now rose from long dead campfires. The muted sound of steel scraping across steel fell upon deaf ears. Whispers drifted along through the still night air, telling of the eagerness to kill, the want to attack.
The Rajine wanted to hear the sweet screams of death, and to smell the fresh tang of blood upon the crisp air. They had come to kill.

[Akamai Deredal]

And thus ends the Prologue... Okay, so it was cut a bit short, but it doesn't need to be super long... right? Hehe. Oh well, onto better things!

[Akamai Deredal]

Chapter 1
--Artarias

I saw visions of blood being poured out, splatters of it on the walls and ceilings, flesh being slashed and torn, screams of the dying and fallen. Worst of all I felt a beast longing for this. A gathering of these creatures, whatever they were, desired this violence.

The feeling was new to me, I had never felt the presence of such chaos and destruction, only the peace and tranquility of my own home. Oddly enough, the idea of it wasn’t so foreign to me as one would think. I didn’t welcome the violence, but it didn’t scare me.

I awoke startled, another one of my nightmares had passed. I stood from my bed and glanced around the dim room. The cool earth still surrounded me, unlike in my dreams. I reached out and crushed a handful of the dirt. It was slightly moist with dew, morning was coming near. I frowned.

As always the dream was relative to the time it actually was. I never told anyone of these nightmares, I felt too out of place to do so. The people of my city were too peaceful to ever think of these things. I would be labeled psychotic or insane if they knew the full extent of what I saw, and eventually be cast out of the city if they progressed.

None the less, I could still feel the dream. It were as if it hadn’t left when I awoke. Somewhere out there, I could feel the thirst for blood, the longing for destruction. I had those dreams for quite some time before, but never that close, and the feeling always left when I woke up.

For some reason, it didn’t this time. It felt as if the rabid creatures were breathing down my neck. A chill ran up my spine. I rushed to the wooden door of my house. It wasn’t much of a house, or a building for that matter.

My home was a hollow spot in the earth, a Talket building. The door swung open freely along its hinges, revealing the long tunnel outside. A cold draft swept slowly and low to the floor through the well used road. I looked up at the ceiling and past the wood supports of the cavern. Small, two or three foot long shafts littered the roof of the tunnel, allowing the full moon‘s light to shine in long, gray-blue rays. In the day, these spots would provide just enough sunlight to see, but not enough to irritate any of the city’s sensitive inhabitants.

Usually the effect of the filtered moonlight brought me peace, a sense of safety. The caverns would be protection. Who would bother such a weak nation, who only took up space under the earth? The only thing we had to pillage or steal was food, no great collections of silver or gold. At least, these are the things which the other Talket had told me.

It didn’t calm me that night, I hardly took notice.

I tightened the dark red cloak around my chest and turned deeper in to the tunnels. A short and slanted walk brought me to the house of my family. This place was much deeper than mine, no moonlight filtered through the ceiling. Instead, torches ran evenly spaced across the walls. I stared in to the flame before I opened the door.

We had never been a close family, always arguing with each other despite the traditional Talket way. Still, I worried for my younger siblings. Two small brothers, and an even younger sister. If what I felt ever came to my home… I shuddered at the thought and slowly cracked the door open.

A small amount of light splashed in to the room. It might wake my father, but that night it didn‘t matter. I wasn’t blowing the torch out, there was safety in light. I gazed around the room until I spotted three little people hunched together under a pile of rags and blankets. All were sleeping soundly, peacefully. The sleep I never had, I thought idly.

I closed the door quietly, making sure not to stir anyone in the home. When it had shut, I sighed deeply. “Nothing will happen,” I said to myself, “Nothing ever has…”

The walk back to the upper caverns always seemed long. I knew I had nothing to fear, but something in my mind would never let me relax. The beast continued to breath down my neck, getting closer with each step that I took home.

Tonight was far worse than any other night. It was almost grueling to continue. I could feel the desire of the beast. It wished to devour me, consume all that lived within, kill, kill, kill. The repetitive thoughts of death churned my stomach.

Still, the fear of my own life was never there. Anger replaced it, and fear for my family. The beast waited impatiently, tearing at its invisible chains. The desire couldn’t be overcome, but would soon be fulfilled.

Just, not yet.

I wanted to scream in the streets. The presence of it was overwhelming, washing over all my sensing and thoughts. “Keep it together. Why do you do this to yourself?” I said in a whisper, staring at the cavern floor. It was a mere ten, maybe fifteen steps to my door. Conquer the beast, I thought to myself. Just before I began walking again, just before I overcame all fear and paranoia, an echoing smash rang through ought the city.

The sound of splintering wood. My eyes widened in terror, the gate had been rammed open. A few people stirred, peeking out of their homes and gazing up and down the tunnel. I didn’t need to listen to understand; the Beast was coming through.

War cries erupted from up ahead; shouting and the sound of trampling feet gathered. Not a second was wasted, I darted back towards my family. The sound of chaos thickened, steel against steel, breaking and smashing; screams of the fallen.

[Akamai Deredal]

As the path sank deeper under ground the noise was muted by the tunnel walls. "They’re still asleep," I muttered to myself, running out of breath. The people in that section of Talket were still undisturbed.

Unlike the area higher up, people were not gazing out of their houses at the awful noises. I burst through the door of my family’s house. I did it so loudly that all five of them were awakened and startled. Exactly what I wanted.

"We have to get out of here!" I practically shouted. I reached for my brothers and sister. My father rose from his sleeping place immediately and shoved me away.

"What’s wrong with you!?" He shouted back in my face.

"They’re coming for us, all of us," I replied hastily, while trying to get around him.

He kept my siblings out of reach, keeping me from taking them deeper in to the city. He gave me another fierce shove, knocking me back in to the wall. At this point, I did something I had never done before; I lashed out at him. I regained my balance and breath after hitting wall while he was trying to tell me something. I don‘t recall what he said, I wasn‘t listening to him.

I thrust myself off the wall and planted a firm kick in to his chest. It sent him to the floor. At this point my brothers and sister were nearly crying, bewildered by what I was doing. I stepped past my father and to their bed. As I reached out they shied away from me.

They were afraid of me. I’ll never be able to forget the look on their faces.

I took them each by the hand. "We have to leave," I told them, nearly panicking. The awful sounds were making their way down the tunnel. The oldest, my younger brother, Tahmore, glanced at father reluctantly. I pulled his face away, "Trust me, we have to go." With that I pulled them off of the bed and towards the door. I didn’t bother to look back, if I did they would for sure. I wish I had now.

My father tackled me from behind, I didn’t expect it. "You’ve lost it Artarias! You’re insane!" He shouted at me yet again. I ignored him, I had to get my sister and brothers deep in to Talket. It may only prolong what was coming, but at least they had a chance this way.

I kicked half-heartedly at my father, doing nothing more than keeping him busy while he attempted to keep me on the ground. My siblings stared at me, standing inside the doorway just in front of where father had tackled me.

"Tahmore," I said to my oldest brother, "You have to get your brother and sister out of here." He stared at me. My mother was crying by now, I don’t know how long she had been. "For me, please."

[PippinTook]

just wonderful akai! *applaudes* i can't wait to see what happens! The way you led up to 'The Beast' is great, and I still dont know what it is. lol.
-pip

[Akamai Deredal]

He nodded, and with that took my brother and sister out of the house and ran with them down the tunnels. I felt somewhat relieved. They were further away from whatever was coming, yet I still had to face it.
My father nearly jumped to his feet, shouting for his children to come back. I would have let him go, but he would have only brought them back to their doom. Instead I stood with him and attempted to stop him once more. He collided with me, I suppose the back of my head hit against the wall for my memory is a daze after this.
I barely remember falling to the ground, my father shouting again, but not at me this time. The same feelings that were in my dream washed over me. It was sickening. I heard a scream, a shout; then a cry of pain. The daze faded just enough to let me see my mother and father laying on the ground.
There was an unnatural look in their eyes. It wasn’t until I saw the pool of red liquid that I realized what happened. They were dead, both of them.
I sat stunned for a few seconds, gazing at their fatal wounds. Suddenly I realized that whatever was in the room, would becoming for me next. In my daze I scrambled out of the room. I could feel it chasing me, mocking me with cruel laughter. I tried to hide, tried to find a way to escape. No such escape was available, not without putting what was left of my family in danger.
My mind finally cleared itself of the haze. Weapon, I need a weapon. I had managed to corner myself at a dead end, a new tunnel being dug in Talket. Fresh dirt covered the ground. I stooped and picked out the sharpest, most pointed rock I saw.
Then I waited, silently pressing myself against the cavern wall and watching for the creature to round the corner and find me. I heard the clicking of metal with each of its step. Deep breaths bounced around the hardened walls, and following it the same senses I felt before. It was close, I could feel it.
The beast longed for my blood, my death, the same thrill obtained from my mother and father‘s death. I began trembling. My vision blurred, and my heart pounded. The very second it stepped in my direction, I threw my entire weight upon it and pressed the thing hard against the wall.
I screamed something completely unintelligible directly to his face. A chill ran down my spine, I had no idea I was capable of such rage. An echo of the noise slowly fade through ought Talket’s walls. I was standing face to face with another man. His brown eyes were filled with fear, every expression on his face emitting pain and horror. The sight only made me angry.
How could another human do such a thing? Apparently I had driven the rock in to his body without even thinking. Warm blood poured over my hand and dripped in to the earth. The rock had penetrated far enough to let me feel the beating of his heart, and notice it was slowing.
I gave a final shove before I released him from the wall. He fell without an attempt to cushion himself. The blank stare of my mother and father entered his eyes slowly.
I smirked and dropped the blood covered rock to the ground. Just before I felt all life fade from him, a blood curdling scream erupted. The sound was so incredibly loud and penetrating that I dropped to the ground and covered my ears.
So many feelings and emotions flowed through my mind, none of them pertaining to my life. I felt the life of a man I killed pass by me, his every thought and memory became mine for a second. It was too much for me to bear. I became dizzy, nearly passing out under the strain of it all. I’m sure now that it lasted not but a second; at that time it felt as an eternity.
It became louder and faster, until finally it reached an abrupt stop. I glanced up from the ground. The man was dead, and I had taken his life. Oddly, I felt no remorse. Not a shred of me felt sorry for him, despite the knowledge that he did have family in his hometown, Rajine. This man had lived to kill, and I had ended the mad lust for death.
I arose slowly, still stunned by the sudden wave that attacked my mind. Soon I began to realize the noise hadn’t stop. This man’s particular noise had, but other screams filled my mind from all directions. The Talket, my people, my friends, were all dying by the hand of the Rajine. It filled my head rapidly, the more I listened the more I heard, the more I heard the louder it became, the louder it became the more forced I was to listen.
No! I shouted mentally, Don’t listen to it! I closed my eyes, trying to focus on something else. For fleeting moments it would work, until finally it was too much to stand. I searched for something through the senses, something I could do to take my mind off the screams of death.
Suddenly, I found it. I could feel my brother, Tahmore, leading his younger brother and sister, Riordan and Kamilah. I have to help them. All the other senses drained away from my mind. All focus was on Tahmore. I felt like I was thinking with him, I knew his every step and every direction.
“No, come here.” No, come here… I whispered in the darkness as I felt my brothers words. “Because Artarias told us to.” Because Artarias told us to! The focus was so clear on him, I knew exactly where he was and sensed his every motion.

[Akamai Deredal]

The horrible screams had left my mind, filtered out by a greater purpose. In a sudden rash and instinctive action I dashed deeper into the caves of Talket. My brothers and sister were being tracked. Fear swept over me, their lives were in danger. I tried shifting my focus to the Rajine tracking them. It was as if they danced around the edge of my view and senses, I was too intent on my brother to notice them. Slowly; cautiously, I broadened my senses.
The screams came back, but only for a moment. I quickly blocked them out, choosing to ignore them. It was difficult, but possible none the less.
Two men ahead of me, both with intent feelings of exhilaration. As they sparked my interests, my senses naturally narrowed down to the two. They were tracking, following signs and footsteps. It was as a hunter, tracking a near helpless flock of doe. I never ceased running.
They were so far ahead of me, and so close to what was left of my family. Rage began to blind me. My hatred was so deep it overshadowed the violent feelings of the Rajine a dozen times over. I wanted to tear those two men to pieces.
For the few moments that I thought to analyze myself, it frightened me. I was more of a monster than they were, yet I had a purpose. I longed to hear them scream in pain, more than they wished for the twisted cries of my family.
I would spill there blood violently the moment I saw them, just as they would to my two brothers and my young sister. Things were closing in. My brother couldn’t move the other two quickly enough to out run two fully grown Rajine men, but I as well was catching up. The burning in my legs and lungs was furious, but I had to continue.
Keep moving, keep moving damn it! You can’t let them catch you. You’re all that’s left for me… I sensed Tahmore losing his will. The other two were complaining too much, he was beginning to doubt whether the danger was real or not.
Everything went to a standstill. He had stopped. Why are you stopping!? He paused, I… Guess we could rest here for a minute, I heard him say to himself. “We’ll stop here for a minute,” he concluded aloud to his brother and sister.
Panic struck him, I felt its shock travel down Tahmore’s spine. “No!” I screamed aloud. I blocked out all mental senses, I couldn’t suffer it any longer. They had just reached an underground river. At this point, the pathway curved and went up a hill. I sprinted around the nearly unused path, only to find the most horrific thing I will ever remember.
My brother lay face first in the soft earth, a pool of blood oozing from his back. Likewise, Kamilah lay face up, knife still protruding from her heart. I watched with tears flooding my eyes as my youngest brother, Riordan, was thrust through with a sword. No words came to my lips. Not so much as a shout. They were all dead, I had failed them.
I sank to my knees, sobbing for my family with my face to the ground. Why!? What is the reason for this!? All this killing is senseless! Everything lost meaning to me; all my hope died. There was no point to my life, everything had been taken from me.
My head shot up. There stood the two men who had committed the sin against such young children. They were looking at me, laughing sort of in a grim and cruel manner. I decided it was the last ‘humorous’ thing they would experience.
I stood to my full height; gazing at them for a moment. I watched the first one fiercely. Not just with my eyes, but with my mind as well. His every thought was mine, every action I could feel before it was executed. The very blink of his eye I could have matched with my own if need be.
My stride was constant, unchanging; set on its purpose. The foremost one unsheathed his sword. It was stained with the fresh blood of my brother. I stooped to the ground and plucked the knife from my sister’s chest. Her face was pale; lifeless.
The sorrow filled me again, but only for a moment. Hatred and anger quickly filled my void. In an amazingly fast motion, my soon-to-be victim slashed at my face with a forward step. The wrist that held his blade was instantly met with a knife. It pierced the entire width, exiting at the opposite side of entry.
A cry of pain and the clattering of iron striking rocks echoed across the stone walls of the cavern. My next motion would be the last he saw. I plunged the knife deep in to his throat.
No mercy was in my eyes, I had become even more cold hearted than my enemy. Nothing mattered to me anymore. The only option was to acquire vengeance. I focused on his scream of death, letting it hit me full force rather than attempt to block it.
The feeling was quite similar to that of the first man I killed. His emotions, memories, everything passed through my mind. The only difference: it didn’t hurt this time. I was prepared. If anything it seemed to extend my clarity of mind even further, stretching it to a slightly larger boundary.
After my victim’s life faded, I turned my attention to the next man. I had no weapon, nor the strength to take the man’s life with my bare hands, yet the look of fear in his eyes was unmistakable. I grinned, the same expression they had when my siblings’ lives were taken.
Was I right in doing this? Should I have shown them mercy instead of death? Am I just as wicked as those men? I’ve asked myself these questions a thousand times ever since that day. I have decided to resign myself. If I am just as wretched and guilty, so be it. May I die a gruesome death as they did. I would never change anything I did to them. Every bit of it was, and always will be worth it to me.
I took several steps towards him. Subconsciously, meaning he didn’t hardly think about it, I know this for a fact, he took several steps back. I walked until he was backed in to a corner. Once he felt the wall, he realized what was happening. Some shame entered his mind, an idiotic feeling to have just before you die.
He leapt at me, his sword raised high. I nearly chuckled in mock laughter. The attack was simple to dodge; I easily swept my body to the side and away from the danger of the blade. Suddenly, all reason left. I was toying with him, as a cat does a mouse.
Several attacks were initiated, each of them just as easily evaded. The game went on until finally I had an open shot at his back. I’m not sure what happened, but I am certain that I made no contact with him. I thrust an open palm just behind his neck. It was more of a reflex, something I had never done, yet it was a deep part of me. I heard a sickening crack.
The Rajine man dropped to the ground without any control. The tip of his sword fought against the ground and ended up sliding away in the direction of his leg. The blade ended up piercing his skin and slicing all the way down his thigh. Absolutely no pain was felt, at least, from this.
His lungs had stopped. The reflexive action of breathing was now unavailable to him. I smirked, knowing what his pain was and also knowing he could have no reaction. The burning inside of him was overcoming. I leaned over him to pick up his sword.
While I was passing over his ear I whispered to him, “Have you had your fill of death yet?”
Again, my memory becomes a blur. I remember walking away, and focusing upon his mind once again to hear the ‘scream.’ After this though, I remember nearly nothing.