Erin the Elf: Preface

[Nurvingiel]

Preface

This is the first part of my story entitled Erin the Elf. It takes place in a fictional world, on an island simply referred to by its inhabitants as The Island.
Like many fantasy authors, I draw on great authors who have written before me, but this story is not a fan fiction. I have read so many wonderful books that I can't name all my influences, but J.R.R. Tolkien and Jack Whyte are certainly among them. I originally wrote this for my friend's birthday, and it took off from there. I couldn’t stop writing, and am now working on the third part!
I have divided it into much smaller chunks for easy readability. I will thank anyone who sticks with it until the end. I think my story is good, and worth reading. That being said, I welcome all comments on any aspect of the story!

[Nurvingiel]

Today was Erin’s birthday. Well, it wasn’t really her birthday, but it was as close as she could reckon. Her friends at the Third West Orphanage liked to call it her Un-birthday. She had been raised in the orphanage since she was three, and had no idea who her parents were. All she knew was that she was very different from the other trolls in the city of Tonague, Erin was an Elf.

There was a great commotion outside, which was nothing new, but this time it seemed different. Erin went to investigate. She waved to the friendly construction workers, and leapt nimbly over a random ditch. The loud hammering and sawing was a bit much for her sharp hearing, but she was growing used to it.

Erin knew why the commotion seemed different – everything did. She’d been trying to ignore it all morning, but now she had to face facts. She, as well as several other youths of Tonague, had been conscripted into the Imperial Army. She turned back to the orphanage. It was the same stone, slightly run down building she’d lived in since she could remember. It still looked somewhat like a haunted castle, and the former front lawn was pockmarked with its usual excavations (some of which she was sure had been done before). Facing the city, she saw the same rows of brick houses, with an open marketplace near Third West. Beyond their neighbourhood, the city stretched out – townhouses, apartments, offices and factories.

It was in the market, on the raised wooden platform normally used for bartering, where the gathering was happening. Erin caught up to Mother Meg, who took care of all orphans at Third West. Like all trolls, Meg was attractive, tall, muscular and lean, with slightly pointed ears, and intelligent eyes. She had think, wavy black hair that reached half-way down her back. Erin thought Meg was the most beautiful troll in the world.

[Nurvingiel]

“Hey Meg, what’s going on?” Erin scanned the crowd.
“We’ll find out soon enough,” said Meg smiling. Her way of saying she had no clue.
“Hey, those are humans on the platform! They’re a lot shorter than us,” said Erin.
“I really can’t tell from this distance… who are you calling short?” joked Meg. Erin was only six feet tall, and the shortest adult in the neighbourhood – especially compared to Meg, the tallest at eight and a half feet. In fact, some twelve year-old trolls were taller than Erin.
“Never mind then,” Erin said. They approached the back of the crowd. Everyone was quite angry, and Erin felt, justifiably. The three kingdoms of Trolls, Humans, and Elves were united under one Overlord and common language, Thesaurus, over five hundred years ago. Even so, each kingdom remained fiercely independent.
One human was addressing the crowd. He had been repeating his message, and he tried one more time. “… By order of His Evilness, the Most Puissant Overlord Tolemy…” The man was drowned out by the heckling of the crowd. “I’m just the messenger, please!” he shouted in a desperate tone, “I know you do not want to be conscripted, but it must be done for the good of The Island!” The messenger finished his speech fearfully, dodged to his horse, and left hastily.

The other humans had a more military appearance. One man, a bit taller than his companions, seemed as though he wanted to address the crowd too, but thought better of it. The other soldiers looked at the crowd uncomfortably. The tall man left, and the others followed him. People gathered in smaller groups to talk about the recent turn of events as the crowd dispersed angrily.

“Hey Meg, it looks like he’s heading to Getoe Aychekew,” said Erin. That was the administrative building for the local government, the Getoe Triangle. Meg, who represented the people, formed the government along with Kasia, the economic director, and Michelleelle, the war leader.
“Well,” said Meg, “I’ll go deal with him and get this over with. I don’t like the idea of conscripts, but we can’t go against the decree of the Evil Overlord. Michelleelle sure won’t like this. You, for one, are a prominent member of our standing army.”

Erin blushed. Though she took on a leadership role in the army, she didn’t feel prominent by a long stretch. Further, the Troll kingdom had been at peace for hundreds of years, and the army basically existed to keep civil order and help build infrastructure. “Well, erm, I don’t think the people really feel they owe the Overlord any type of service. He trashed the economy; we had to set up our own system of trade. And he’s only expanding the army because he wants to make war on our neighbours for no good reason. I mean, I had never heard of the Forest until he began his war mongering policy.” Erin realized this statement sounded stupid, so she revised. “You know, there’s the Forest and then there’s the forest.”

The Forest was an isolated region in the southern part of The Island, heavily treed and rich in natural resources. Erin, like many others, suspected the Overlord was only making war to gain control of the valuable resources.
“Well, I’ll see you for dinner at Third West,” said Erin, and turned for home. Meg continued to the Aychekew.

[PippinTook]

That was great so far Nurvingiel! I am still finding out stuff about the settings and charactars, but I like it! I'll make sure to keep up with it!
-Pip

[Nurvingiel]

Is it not clear where the story is set? Can you tell who the main character, and narrator is? If you can't, that's my bad.

[Nurvingiel]

No one wanted to start without Meg, but it was getting late, and everyone was hungry. Dinner was brought out, and Erin realized it might be her last meal at Third West. The first course was an incredible tomato soup, followed by a scrumptious leek salad. The main course was roasted duck with crisp garlic and vegetables, along with creamy mashed potatoes. Desert was an amazing white chocolate and strawberry cheesecake – Meg’s own recipe. This desert was so good, it was widely regarded as “sex in a pan”. Dinners were always fresh, delicious, and served at a convenient time at Third West, but Erin felt this dinner had surpassed them all. Generous portions of each course were set aside for Meg.

Throughout the meal, Erin had forced herself to relax, enjoy herself, and laugh with her friends. The forced contentment had turned into real happiness, and for the first time since she had been conscripted, she was in a good mood.

Erin was going to bed when Meg came home. “I wanted to tell you right away. We talked to the Captain about the conscription. We managed to talk him down to a few less people, but you’re still on the list. I couldn’t use my influence to have you exempt, it wouldn’t be fair.” Meg paused awkwardly.

“I understand Meg,” said Erin. She knew Meg would have to take the high road.
“Also, I’m so sorry, but you’re shipping out tomorrow,” said Meg sadly. “We couldn’t do anything about that. There seems to be a real sense of urgency about this whole situation.”
Erin had suspected she would be leaving suddenly. “The Evil Overlord is bent on this war. He said he’d try other options first, but this had been his plan all along.” That was her impression from what she read in the newspapers. “I’ll miss Third West. I’ll never forget you,” Erin said emotionally.
“Someday, you’ll return here,” Meg said simply. She hugged Erin. “Sleep well, I’ll see you off in the morning.”


The company of about seventy new conscripts and seasoned soldiers had been on the road for five hours. The territory had turned from the cultivated fields of the Trolls to thickly forested hills. They were outside Troll territory. Erin liked this wild forest. The trees were tall and old, and the underbrush was varied and beautiful. The day was pleasant, and Erin was almost comfortable.

The hindrance to her comfort was her horse. She would not be fighting with him, but they were all riding for faster transportation. Erin had decided to name the grey horse she was riding Crotchety, not like he would respond to anything.

The recruits were in a loose column formation. Their casual attitude probably bothered Captain Tyler, but he probably didn’t want to make any more corrections that day – they had learned so much already. He had said he only had a week to make them combat ready. Erin guessed that he would have liked more time, but he hid his personal feelings on the matter, whatever they were.

Tyler was tall and broad shouldered, with dark hair, and an olive complexion. He had a handsome face, and dark brown eyes. Erin didn’t fancy him or anything ridiculous like that, he just gave a good first impression. She read him as honest, brave, and a good leader. He had also spoken to them very eloquently before they left.

She looked around at the other riders. Their faces showed various degrees of excruciating pain. To her right, Dennis was the oldest of the group at thirty seven. He had been a government leader in an autonomous collective. To her left, Norman and Stella, twins her own age, had lived on a farm. She was lucky in that she had already had some military training. She wondered how any of them would be ready for battle in a week. What was the Evil Overlord planning?


Erin woke up, and automatically leapt out of bed. She threw on supple leather trousers and a warm, padded shirt over her underclothes. She could hear Dennis at the door of her small tent.
“Erin?” he whispered quietly, poking his head through the tent flap. He saw that she was already up, strapping on her armour and sword. Dennis returned to his post, where Erin would relieve him very shortly. On her way out the door of the tent, shared with Stella, she shoved on her helmet. Erin was wide awake; essentially, she had only been having a nap.

[Lief Erikson]

The only part that rather confuses me is this:
She looked around at the other riders. Their faces showed various degrees of excruciating pain.

Excrutiating is actually a word derived from crucifixion, which is a way of torturing someone to death. So this is very deep agony you're talking about, of the cruellest sort. If they're simply sad about leaving home, I don't think it's a very good word choiceage. Grief or sadness would probably be better.

One thing that I found very amusing was your name for the common language, "Thesaurus" :D. That was great :D.

I'm rather curious to find out what things are like on the other side of the story, what is going on with the people the characters are going to attack. That doesn't mean I'm wanting you to write from their perspectives, necessarily. But it seems that we're working from the perspective of someone caught up in an army sent out by a bad guy. It's an interesting perspective, one that I like to write from, sometimes.


The story's moving smoothly and I'm enjoying it, Nurvingiel :).

[Nurvingiel]

I actually meant they were all really saddle-sore, but I like your interpretation better. Mine wasn't clear enough anyway. (I didn't know that about the origins of 'excruciating' either, interesting.)

What do you think of this?

She looked around at the other riders. They all looked as homesick, and as uncomfortable, as she felt.


Thanks for reading my story, welcome to the team! I'm glad you like my story. :)

edit: kept changing my new sentance.

[Nurvingiel]

I hope I'm posting sections at the right pace. I don't want to bore potential readers who might feel I've stagnated, and I don't want to overwhelm busy Elf Editors (as I've started to call anyone who works on my story :)) who have other things going on in their lives.

I have already written the entire first and second parts of the story, and am currently working on the third. Unless there's a resoundong "No", I'm going to post section 4 of 7 (of part I) tomorrow.

Cheers guys! Nurv

[hectorberlioz]

There was a great commotion outside, which was nothing new, but this time it seemed different. Erin went to investigate.

there was a great commotion outside, which was nothing new, but this time something was different.
Erin ventured to investigate....
:D

[Nurvingiel]

Hm. I like the word "ventured" but if I use it, I feel that sentance should be shorter. Maybe "ventured investigating" or something.

Hey, what do you think of the pace I'm posting the sections at?

[Lief Erikson]

The speed is fine by me. I'm usually here only on weekends. Today and yesterday are exceptions :p. However, I've been making additional efforts to be online, so I might be here all of this week. (Shrugs) It's possible.

Go ahead and post the rest of the parts! Could have read them today, if they'd been here :D. Hopefully I'll get to them tomorrow, though.

There is one very minor problem with your revised sentence: the final comma in it shouldn't be there.

[Lief Erikson]

Ah, you're online now. Does that mean I'm in luck? ;)

[Nurvingiel]

I was also holding back to keep edits close to the parts of the stories to which they referred... but that doesn't really matter. Enjoy!



It was the middle of the night. The watch system had messed up her sense of time, and she forced herself to keep track of the days. It was the middle if her sixth night in the army. She was assigned to watch with Norman and they walked to their post together. “How does it look?” Norman asked Sarah and Dennis, the previous watch, quietly.
“Everything’s quiet,” said Dennis. They went to their tents and Norman and Erin assumed their posts. The first half of their watch passed uneventfully. It was quiet, as Dennis had said. They didn’t talk much, but sometimes they would tell jokes and stories so as not to fall asleep, or stop paying attention. Erin liked Norman. He was open and talkative, and worked hard.
“What was that?” whispered Norman, pointing to a fleeting shape.
“I’ve seen a few of those guys,” Erin whispered back. “I think they represent a threat, because they’re probably a hostile force, but I don’t think they will attack us right now. All we can do is tell the next watch.” Their own watch was almost over. It had passed quickly; night watches were two hours instead of four. Soon, they were relieved. Erin passed on the tidbit of information and went gratefully to bed – properly this time, with no more thoughts of the mysterious figures.

Day Seven, Erin thought ominously the next morning. Tyler said there would be a battle today. It was very early, the sun was barely peering over the trees. Erin liked the usual breakfast of porridge, which everyone called the Gelatinous Glob.

Erin was eating alone when Captain Tyler approached her. Tyler was a man of few words, and got to the point quickly. “Today, we will join the rest of the army and attack the main Forest city. You’ve shown a lot of leadership and natural fighting ability in the past week. Also, people look up to you, so I’m making you the First Spear.” Tyler went on to explain her role, and Erin felt very honoured, but also that she deserved it. There were two other First Spears, veterans named Sarah and Alistair. They were in charge of twenty five people, and Erin would lead twenty new recruits. “I’ll let everyone know when I lay out the battle plan.” Tyler was waiting for a messenger from General Brent.

They had just struck camp when the awaited messenger galloped up, his horse lathered with sweat. He dismounted, and slowly approached Tyler. “I have a message for you,” he said loudly. The young man looked very nervous. Tyler drew his sword, and Erin realized something was very wrong.
“I come with a message from General Brent. Um, there has been a coup, and you will not meet the army as, um, originally planned. They have withdrawn,” the man stuttered.
“If this is true, why are you so nervous?” Tyler said in a voice that suggested he already knew the answer, and didn’t like it.
A Tree stepped out of the trees. Erin did a double take. At first glance, it looked like a spindly tree, but Erin saw that it was like a Human in form, but shorter, with green, twiggy hair and bark-like skin. “My name is Emily, and I am a Tree,” said the Tree. “He’s nervous because of us.” She motioned, and hundreds of Trees emerged, armed with bows and spears.
Some of the veterans started forming up to attack, but Tyler ordered them to stand down. They were completely surrounded and outnumbered. Their enemies could also have untold reinforcements hidden in the trees, even though Tyler’s thorough scouting had turned up nothing. Engaging in battle would be suicide.
“What the messenger says is true,” said Emily, “General Brent himself staged the coup, when the army was ordered to attack civilian targets in the Forest. Most of your army left to join him immediately, and we convinced the remaining groups to leave. We surrounded them with a superior force, as we are doing to you,” she said pointedly. “You will leave our Forest in peace.”
Erin wondered what Tyler would do. She wondered if the groups that resisted the Trees had been killed. There was no way to know if Emily was telling the truth. “I think we should talk this over, privately,” said Tyler. Several other Trees approached Emily, who seemed to be their leader, and they talked briefly.
“I agree,” Emily said, “First, your soldiers must surrender their weapons.” Tyler nodded, and everyone disarmed, including Erin. Tyler laid down his own sword respectfully, as well as several long knives and a throwing axe.
Tyler and Emily moved away from the group to discuss the terms of their surrender. The atmosphere was very tense. After an hour, the tension was somewhat dissipated. No one had moved the entire time. Erin would have been bored out of her skull if her life wasn’t on the line, however she trusted Tyler would find a way to avoid a losing battle.

[Nurvingiel]

You are in luck Lief!


There were Trees, and then there were trees. Erin observed the Tree people more closely, who resembled their non-sentient cousins. The Trees had the same proportions as a Trolls and Humans, except their hair. It was green or brown, and stuck to their heads like osprey nests. Erin guessed they ranged from five to six feet in height. Their skin was a variety of textures and colours: pale grey, white, light brown, orange-ish brown, or dark brown. Erin was reminded of bark, though their skin was much smoother. They wore no shoes, and Erin could see that their fingers and toes were very long. Their clothes were also very strange – leaves, sticks, lichen, and sometimes fungi. The vegetation seemed to be either stuck to them, or growing out of them – possibly a combination of both. These clothes varied widely from one person to another, but their arms, and their legs from the knees down, were bare. Erin noticed that the skin on their calves was different. It was very dark, and much thicker.

The stagnant atmosphere was shattered when Tyler and Emily returned from their negotiations. Emily went to her militia, and Tyler addressed his soldiers. “We will withdraw. You can keep your weapons, and you’ll just turn around and go back the way we came. We’re not far into their territory, so it should be easy, plus they will escort you. I will stay with the main body of the army as assurance of our peaceful co-operation.”

Everyone was angry at this; Tyler was well-liked and no one wanted to see him taken prisoner. “This is how it has to be. I trust Emily, and I have many reasons to believe what she says about General Brent staging a coup. Apparently, the Trees didn’t have an army at all until the Evil Overlord threatened their borders. That’s when Emily raised this militia. Because of the coup, I am releasing you all from my service. If you wish, you can return to your homes.”

A group of around a hundred and fifty Trees separated from the main force – their escort. Everyone who was conscripted grabbed their packs and joined them. If Tyler trusted the Trees’ honour, so did his soldiers. One soldier, the red-headed First Spear named Sarah, approached Tyler. “We aren’t leaving your service, but we will return to our homes. Many of us haven’t seen our families in a long time. Call on us, and we will fight for you.”
“Your loyalty honours me,” Tyler shook her hand.
“Thank you,” she said. She didn’t quite want to leave. “Are you sure you want us to leave? We don’t want you to be alone.” Erin’s thoughts exactly.
“Yes, you deserve to see your families. None of you have had leave in two years.” Sarah nodded, and the veterans joined the departing group. Erin still hadn’t moved, and Tyler looked at her questioningly. Erin wanted to stay with him for complex reasons. Primarily, she was very loyal, and she felt that he was being sacrificed for the greater good of the army. She didn’t want him to be a prisoner alone. She said as much to Tyler. He nodded wordlessly, smiling slightly. She wasn’t the First Spear for nothing. Erin felt that he understood her more complex reasons, at least in part. She trusted the Trees as well, and didn’t feel that they were the enemy. Her heart was telling her to stay.
Tyler’s army left, surrounded by the Tree escort. Their weapons were piled in the supply wagon, and they departed quite quietly for such a large group. Tyler and Erin still had their own gear and weapons. Emily came back, carrying a pack and two extra bags. She was also armed, and looked ready to travel. Emily frowned at Erin, puzzled. “Don’t you want to go home? Only Tyler is a hostage.”
“We’re a team, I’m going to stay with him,” said Erin.
“Alright then,” Emily agreed. She accepted Erin’s loyalty. “You can both keep your weapons if you give your word not to try to attack us or escape,” she said formally. Erin and Tyler promised, and they rearmed and put of their packs. The rest of the Tree army dispersed into the forest.
“I have another reason for wanting a hostage besides the obvious,” said Emily, “Your Evil Overlord has been encroaching on our borders for a couple years now. Open attack on civilian targets was simply the last straw. I don’t believe our country will be safe until he’s been overthrown, and a more peaceful Overlord is installed. None of the Trees have been outside the Forest before; we don’t have much of a concept of the wider world. Now that your army is gone, we want to go back to what we normally do, which is living isolated in the Forest. I might be the leader of the militia, but we have no formal government. I don’t have any authority over the decisions of other Trees. I need your help to remove the Evil Overlord, and I expect that you want this too Tyler.” Erin wondered what they had talked about during their negotiations.

[Lief Erikson]

Finished reading parts 4 and 5. Still enjoying it, and waiting for parts 6 and 7 :D. I hope they'll be along tonight also.

What are ospreys?

[Lief Erikson]

This part is in Part 4, that I'm editing from.
Originally posted by Nurvingiel
They didn’t talk much, but sometimes they would tell jokes and stories so as not to fall asleep, or stop paying attention. Erin liked Norman. He was open and talkative, and worked hard.
In this bit, I just wanted to comment that girls frequently don't like guys because they are talkative. I mean, if the person is easy going, easy to converse with, ready to talk with you, that is different from talkative.

Talkative tends to imply that the person just likes to talk a lot. It's more similar to chattering than to conversation. That kind of person frequently can be annoying. There's a person in "Pilgrim's Progress" by Paul Bunyun that's named Talkative, and he's a real pain in the neck.

Talkative I think also is an appropriate word of a person that talks a lot about a subject, even when they don't necessarily know much about it. It's just basically someone that likes to talk a lot, to hear their own voice.
“I think they represent a threat, because they’re probably a hostile force, but I don’t think they will attack us right now. All we can do is tell the next watch.”
Them representing a threat and them being a hostile force means about the same thing. You could get rid of the mentioning of their being a hostile force or the mentioning of them being a threat. Say "I believe they're a hostile force, but I don't think they'll attack us right now" or "I think they represent a threat, but I don't think they'll attack us right now" and you're saying the same thing, only in a more concise way.

[Nurvingiel]

Thanks for your comments Lief! I appreciate the detail.

An osprey is a large bird that eats fish. It's also called a sea eagle, but it lives in land too. They're incredibly beautiful birds! Check them out at http://www.ospreys.com/.

Your comment about Norman got me thinking. When I described him as talkative, I meant he was cheerful and talked a lot. This isn't necessarily annoying. Erin doesn't talk much and she enjoys it in other people. Maybe I should say cheerful instead, because I don't want to have negative connotations.

With respect to the "hostile force" dialogue, I agree with your comment, but I'm still going to leave it the way it is. Though I try to be succinct in my writing, I want conversation between characters to flow naturally. People repeat themselves, especially when they're coming to grips with a new idea like a hostile force near their camp.

Cheers! Nurv

[Nurvingiel]

“Well, General Brent is a good friend, and we served together in the Dragon Wars. If he staged the coup, then he had every reason. He does have the authority to remove an Evil Overlord if he isn’t fit for command.” Tyler probably knew more than he let on.
“I don’t want war, and I know that Trees are not our enemies. This wasn’t a just war,” Erin said simply. “You can count on my help.” Erin reflected that Meg had a low opinion of the Evil Overlord, and that counted for a lot.
“None of the other Trees will come with us?” asked Tyler.
“No, they couldn’t be convinced of the danger, but I’m determined to do this. They will still help us a small extent, with supplies and such.” Emily sounded disappointed.
“Well you can count on our help. I think we should join up with General Brent,” decided Tyler.
“I’m gonna say right now that I want to do this without bloodshed. I don’t support civil was either,” Erin said decisively.
“We should avoid it at all costs,” agreed Tyler, “But sometimes, you have to defend yourself.” Emily nodded.
“Okay then,” Erin conceded.
“Great, let’s be off. We can reach the borders of the Forest before dark.” It was mid-afternoon. Emily held up the two bags. “I brought extra provisions.”
“How did you know we would join you?” asked Tyler.
“I didn’t, but I would have gone alone if I had to,” Emily replied. They divided the extra supplies between the three of them. “So, how long will it take to get to the Evil Overlord?” She looked from Erin to Tyler.
“I have no idea, I grew up in the Troll Kingdom,” said Erin.
“An Elf..?” Emily started, but trailed off, feeling rude.
“It’s okay. I was raised in an orphanage since I was very young, but I don’t know how or why I got there.” As they talked, they started on the trail, Emily leading.
“Five days in total,” said Tyler after a while. “That’s how long the journey will take. Three days of steady hiking will bring is to the river Stoody. There, we can meet General Brent. The river runs through the capital city, Liberary, where the Evil Overlord has his stronghold. Sailing will take about two days. That estimate is conservative enough to allow for normal delays.” Emily led them off the road to a path that seemed to be little more than a game trail.
“Emily, can you send a message to Brent?” asked Tyler. “He knows where I am, but he doesn’t necessarily know to meet me.”
“I can take care of that for you,” she replied. They continued on, but Emily made no efforts to send a message. Erin wondered how she would do it anyway. Sending another Tree, even if one would be willing to go, would travel as slowly as them, and draw far too much attention. Erin decided not to ask; Emily seemed competent. They hiked along various winding game trails, which disappeared altogether in some places. Erin had a good sense of time and direction, but no knowledge of the local geography.
The trail petered out again, but Emily continued confidently towards a huge, old pine tree. “Hopefully, we can send your message here.” She stopped under the tree and looked up. Suddenly, Emily cawed dreadfully, startling Erin and Tyler. A huge raven, taller than Erin’s knee, flew down and landed beside them. The raven and Emily communicated in it’s language. Emily smiled and said to Tyler and Erin, “She’ll take him a message for you, all you need is something that’s strongly connected with Brent.” Tyler thought for a moment, the hesitantly removed a ring from his left hand.

[Nurvingiel]

“This ring connects us both,” he said. The ring was silver, set with a metallic green and black triangle. “But I’d be really choked if you lost it,” Tyler added. He set the ring in front of the raven. The bird cawed indignantly and ruffled her feathers, as if affronted by the suggestion that she would fail.
“She won’t lose it, she’s the best messenger you could hope for,” assured Emily. “The ring will also prove that his message truly comes from you.”
“How will she deliver the message?” Erin asked. As far as she knew, most Humans could not communicate with animals as deeply as Emily.
“She speaks Thesaurus, as well as the ancient languages of The Island. She prefers to speak her own language if she can.” The raven winked at them cheekily, and Erin couldn’t help but like the bird. “Go ahead, tell her your message,” Emily prompted.

Tyler spoke to the raven as though he was speaking to Brent. “I have heard you staged a coup against Tolemy, and support you fully. It is imperative that you meet us at Headwater Landing in two days, three at most. With me are Erin, an Elf, and Emily, a Tree. Much like last time, we must plan to overthrow the Overlord before he destabilizes The Island.” The raven nodded formally, bending down to firmly grasp Tyler’s ring in her beak. As she picked it up, Erin was sure she saw it glow briefly with a pleasant light, however it was hard to be certain in the shade of the forest. Clearly, there was even more to Tyler than she had thought before.

Erin had recently read a book about a young wizard boy who used owls to send messages. When Erin first saw the raven, she thought his delivery of the message would be much the same. Now that she had seen her and Emily in action however, she felt differently. The raven had a lot more depth than Erin got from her first impression. Tyler also seemed to fit into this category.
“What about last time Tyler?” Erin asked, but Tyler was evasive.
“Never mind. It’s just that Brent and I go back a long way.” Emily didn’t say anything, but looked at him searchingly. The raven flew onto Emily’s shoulder. From there, she took off to deliver his message, leaving a couple feathers in her wake. Emily took one and tucked it into her clothes.
“He should probably get the message tonight. The raven could fly the length of the entire island in one day if she had to,” said Emily.
“Brent should be a lot closer than that, but with the coup, he could have ended up anywhere,” Tyler said.
“Well, let’s keep going then. We have a lot of ground to cover,” said Emily.
“Yeah, and we have an Evil Overlord to overthrow,” Tyler added.
“It’s time… to take over the world!” joked Erin. Emily and Tyler laughed. Erin laughed evilly for the first time. “Mwahahaha!”

[Lief Erikson]

Okay :).

Ready for more. Not many specific comments for this part. I'm interested in General Brent. He sounds like he could be an interesting new character for us to get in touch with.

I'm not positive entirely what the coup people are always referring to was.

Originally posted by Nurvingiel
“I’m gonna say right now that I want to do this without bloodshed. I don’t support civil was either,” Erin said decisively.
“We should avoid it at all costs,” agreed Tyler, “But sometimes, you have to defend yourself.” Emily nodded.
“Okay then,” Erin conceded.
“Great, let’s be off.
In the first sentence, I think you meant civil war, not civil was.

The last sentence is the one I really noticed, though. It seems a very odd way for Tyler to be expressing himself in this instance. They're just talking about possibly fighting their countrymen, and Tyler's saying the word "great" right after that, sounds rather wierd. It makes it seem more as though they're playing a game than acting in real life. In real life if we were considering going against our countrymen in self defense to depose our government because it's corrupt, we wouldn't be using words like "great" when we're finished discussing the ethics of it ;). Just sounds rather flippant.


You're going to begin posting the remaining parts in a new thread, correct?

[Nurvingiel]

I did mean "civil war", thanks. :)

I'm going to keep posting in the same thread because I think it would be simpler.

[Nurvingiel]

It was dusk when Erin, Emily and Tyler reached the river Stoody. “This is a river?” said Erin. The body of water they faced was a deep, rushing stream, narrow enough to jump over.
“Well, we’re still in the foot hills, but many tributaries join it, so it will be huge once we reach the plains,” Emily explained. “It’s not a river at all here, but tomorrow we will get to a part where we can start canoeing.”
“Emily, do you mind if I, erm… make a fire? To… erm, cook dinner,” asked Tyler nervously.
“Of course not, why would I mind?” replied Emily, puzzled. “Oh right, because I’m a Tree. Though we don’t need fire ourselves, or like it, we acknowledge that it’s part of nature. We probably should eat your supplies first, mine will keep indefinitely. I’ll get you some wood.”
“I’ll help you,” offered Erin. They walked back into the forest. “So, why is it you’re supplies keep indefinitely?” She had a mental image of dried lichen.
“They’re specially baked fruit bars, wrapped especially so they don’t lose their freshness. They do go stale after a few months, but even then you can still eat them.” Emily gathered wood selectively, only taking one or two sticks from any area. Erin followed her example, and noticed they didn’t leave much of an impact on the forest. Erin took a couple logs so Tyler would have something to cook on. They returned to camp and deposited their sticks beside the area Tyler had cleared.
“How did you get so many more sticks than me?” asked Erin, impressed. Emily had at least twice as many.
“I am a Tree,” Emily said, her answer for almost anything. Erin realized there was much she didn’t know about Trees, though her knowledge of trees was considerable.
Tyler built an excellent fire, which Emily avoided, and started cooking. Tyler made an amazing dinner – stew and rice – with only a few pouches of dried food from his pack. The smells of this new foreign food drew Emily to the fire. She was eating a large, wavy, orange mushroom. “Your meal looks delicious Tyler, mind if I try a bite?”
“Sure,” Tyler offered his bowl. “Can I try some mushroom?”
“I think this fungi is poisonous to you,” said Emily, unsure. Erin looked at the fungus more closely.
“It’s poisonous to Humans and Trolls, but not to Elves,” Erin said, holding out her hand for a taste. Emily smiled, impressed at her knowledge, and gave her a large chunk. Emily tried Tyler’s stew and found it delicious. “Wow, this is amazing! Eating isn’t just an act of survival for you.”
“No, I love cooking,” Tyler replied. “It’s one skill that makes a long campaign more bearable.”
“I wish my own provisions tasted half this good!” said Emily. The lichen image came again to Erin’s mind. “I mean, they are good,” Emily tried to repair the damage, “But it’s just that the stew is so awesome… oh boy.” Tyler and Erin laughed pleasantly.
“Don’t disparage your own provisions until we’ve tried them,” laughed Tyler.
“You’re right, why don’t you try some, before I really put you off,” Emily said, getting out a fruit bar. Tyler and Erin quickly demolished the rest of the stew – the long hike had made them hungry.
“You guys eat fast, it took me the entire time you were cooking to have my dinner.”
“You already ate? What was it?” asked Erin, curious about Tree habits.
“Mostly decomposed leaves and other organic matter. That fungus was my desert. It’s a real prize to find something like that.” Emily broke the fruit bar in half.
“Don’t you want any?” asked Tyler as he took his share.
“No, I’m quite full. I’ve also been photosynthesizing all day,” replied Emily.
“You know, these are really good,” said Erin, “Though I expect we’ll get tired of them after a while. Still, my mental image of lichen is dispelled.” Emily and Tyler looked at her questioningly. “I thought your supplies would be dried lichen.”
“Yeech, no! Trees don’t eat lichen!” said Emily, grossed out. Erin thought her disgust was funny, since Emily ate rotting leaves.
“It’s because lichen grows on Trees. They don’t give us any nutriment,” Emily explained.
“Is that why your legs are darker below the knees?” asked Erin, immediately blushing because she felt her question was impolite.

Emily wasn’t bothered, and she indicated some lichen on her clothes. “This here is lichen. But this,” Emily pointed to her dark calves, “Is actually mycorrhizae. It’s a fungus that has a symbiotic relationship with Trees. Actually, that mushroom we ate earlier was one of its fruits.” Tyler got ready for bed, but Erin and Emily decided to stay up talking about Trees, trees, and Biology in general. Erin was very good at Biology, and learned a lot about forest ecosystems. You never know when that might come in useful… woah, thought Erin.
“We are geeks,” said Emily, seemingly reading Erin’s thoughts.
“And you never know when that might be handy,” replied Erin. They both laughed, and went to bed.

[Black Breathalizer]

Thumb's up!!!! :D

Very entertaining, Nurvingiel. You rock!

[Nurvingiel]

Sweet! Thanks BB! Any suggested edits or anything? I've looked this part over so many times I can't see mistakes anymore. But I know they're there. :D On to segment 2!



The next day, Erin, Emily, and Tyler rose just before dawn. They were following a narrow game trail that generally followed the stream, and they made excellent time. “Emily and I figure we’ll meet up with General Brent today,” said Tyler.
Erin was excited at the prospect. “You and General Brent were in the Dragon Wars together weren’t you?”
“Yes. We were both seventeen. When we signed up, there was no thought of war.” Tyler paused. “This is a long story.”
“This is a long hike,” replied Emily, she was as eager as Erin to hear this story.
“Well,” Tyler began, “It all started when we met the Elf Queen Gilfrine at a pub called The King’s Study Carrel. The Evil Overlord had sent us to kill her. This was before our current Overlord Tolemy,” he added as a side note, “It was his predecessor, Garrod. She wanted complete control over The Island. She had already eliminated the Human King, and the Troll government had been unorganized for years.”
Erin thought of the creation of the Getoe Triangle when she was sixteen. It was done for their survival when the Dragon Wars began.
“Garrod was holding back her plans of domination until the Elf Queen was eliminated as well. How Brent and I were involved in her rescue instead of her death is how the Dragon War really started.” Tyler remembered the war vividly – it was only three years ago.


Tyler and Brent became good friends at the basic training camp for new recruits. Tyler was a cook and also showed great leadership and skill in combat. Brent was also a natural fighter, and a skilled engineer with previous training. Along with other skilled soldiers, they were given more advanced training. Garrod had assembled talented fighters who were also highly intelligent to train as an elite group of assassins. The Evil Overlord sent her army to comb the Elves kingdom, but that was just a diversion. Garrod actually planned to send her newly trained assassins to eliminate the Elven Queen.

When Tyler and Brent realized what their training was for, they started to subtly work against the Evil Overlord. They both felt that Garrod was a destructive force, rather than the unifying leader the Overlord is supposed to be. They also resented her attack on their King when she took over the Human kingdom. By attacking their governments, Garrod was becoming an enemy from which the people needed to be defended. Brent and Tyler could not allow her to gain control over all The Island’s kingdoms. Right now, she was focusing her attention on the Elves, and not solidifying her control over the Troll and Human kingdoms. Now was the right time to act to restore a proper government. Tyler and Brent were not looking forward to going up against their own comrades.

Tyler and Brent trained twice as hard as they normally did in order to win the mission of assassinating the Elven Queen. They felt that going themselves was the best way to foil the attempt. They stopped all their other actions against the Evil Overlord, and plotted only in the most secret and cryptic ways possible. Their efforts in doubling their already intense training paid off. They, along with six others, were chosen to assassinate the Elf Queen Gilfrine.

Tyler and Brent were the best assassins, and were expected to be the successful team. Tyler and Brent planned to be the first to find her, but no one suspected they were going to ruin the Overlord’s plan – they hoped. Tyler and Brent also had a lot of influence with the other assassins, who trusted them implicitly, and regarded them as their leaders. To advance their plan, Brent and Tyler ‘discovered’ several leads, and dispersed the team to various false directions all over The Island. By the time their friends had pursued the leads to their false ends, Brent and Tyler planned to have deposed the Evil Overlord Garrod.

Tyler and Brent did not have any real leads to the Elf Queen’s whereabouts, but at least they could pursue her without fear of her immediate assassination. For two weeks, they searched The Island, concentrating mainly on Elf territory. Obviously the Queen was avoiding detection by all, but at least no one deduced that Brent and Tyler were in the Evil Overlord’s service.

At last, they found Queen Gilfrine in a small inn on the edge of the Elven kingdom. It was an odd little establishment, not well known to travelers, but the pub seemed to be popular with the villagers. After their journey, they were hungry, stiff and tired. They had had to travel at night and keep a low profile, especially in the Elves territory. Any non-Elf was out of place there, and they were doubly on guard because of the trouble with the Evil Overlord. Tyler and Brent had hired horses for many parts of the search, but now they were on foot, with heavy packs.

[Lief Erikson]

Ready for the next. But jeepers! :eek: Not particularly nice to leave off just as they find her :-/ ;).

[Nurvingiel]

Muahahaha! Actually, I couldn't help it, the post would have been too long otherwise. Enjoy! I'll post the next 2 sections.


“We can kill two birds with one stone here,” said Brent. They surveyed the inn from a distance, hidden in the trees. “We can check the place out and make sure she’s really here, and also have a hot dinner and a beer.”
“Not to mention a comfortable, warm nights’ sleep,” added Tyler. “Let’s check in as ordinary guests and go from there. We’re not known to many Elves, so we should be okay.” They walked into the pub, which was called The King’s Study Carrel. “What an odd name for a pub,” Tyler mused, but his comment was drowned out by the loud, cheerful conversations of the pub’s many patrons.
They approached the bar. Tyler surveyed the room as he walked, taking it all in – the layout of the room, where people were sitting, the level of the light, and subtle details that were instincts and feelings to him. He knew Brent did the same.
Brent leaned on the counter and a man approached them, presumably the innkeeper. “We’d like a room please. A comfortable one, with two beds,” said Brent. They had been roughing it for two weeks, and deserved to splurge a little. Besides, neither man wanted to sleep on a hard surface for one more night if they could help it.
The innkeeper smiled, “Come with me.” He was middle aged and of average height, with thick brown hair and a ruddy complexion. “The best rooms are on the third floor.” He led them up the stairs, limping slightly.
The third floor had a wide hallway with a polished hardwood floor and white-painted walls. “This floor tends to be quieter. Not as many people stay up here, and you’re away from the noise of the pub. You can have room thirty nine.” Room 39 was at the end of the hall where there was also a dark alcove with book-laden desk. Brent glanced at it; it appeared dusty and unused. The innkeeper was amiable and business-like, and introduced himself as Johnson.
“We’ll come down for dinner after we’ve had a bath,” said Brent – a very welcome statement indeed.

The bath house was a separate building behind the inn. For such an obscure place, it was prosperous and of high quality. Most of the patrons were Elves, and there were a few Trolls and Humans. Perhaps the inn was better known to travelers than they had originally thought.

Tyler and Brent returned from the baths, much refreshed. The sun was setting, and a misty half-light settled over everything. Out of the corner of his eye, Tyler saw the fleeting shadow of a rapidly moving person. “See that?” he said quietly to Brent. Brent nodded shortly, and neither man spoke until they reached the pub. They were pleased to see that the pub was still crowded and noisy. This was the best environment to have a private conversation because there was little chance of being overheard, or to look suspicious.
They sat down with a pint of Guinness each, and two hot dinners on order. “Do you think were being followed?” said Brent, sipping his beer.
“That shadow was very suspicious. People don’t usually dodge around like that, trying not to be seen,” Tyler replied.
“She might know who we are,” said Brent, referring to the Elven Queen. “She must be very well informed to have stayed in power this long.”
“But our group was formed secretly, and operates the same way.” Tyler and Brent were being slightly cryptic about the assassins, just in case. “Most of our own army doesn’t even know about it.”
“However, this is exactly the type of thing she’d make it her business to know,” said Brent. Tyler leaned back in his chair, sipping his Guinness thoughtfully. There were six Elves at the table nearest them, engaged in a loud debate, and eating. A server with a tray approached Brent and Tyler, delivering two steaming bowls of stew and two pieces of bread. “And you gentleman will be staying for two nights?” she said, placing their dinners in front of them. Tyler and Brent nodded in confirmation. “We can add your meals to your tab,” explained the server.
“Very efficient,” said Tyler as she left, “She already talked to Johnson.” The retreating form of the server partially concealed the arrival of a slim elf to the nearby group of debaters. For a moment there was a lull in their discussion, then one of them banged loudly on the table, saying, “Pye Arche’s theories have not been proven experimentally!”

[Nurvingiel]

Brent frowned slightly, “I could have sword they were talking about chemistry before. Pye Arche is a famous astronomer.”
Tyler started to eat his stew. “Actually, I’m a bit suspicious of them. Maybe we should make our move tonight.”
Brent agreed. “If we are being followed, it’s imperative they know we’re not a threat as soon as possible.” He tore off some of the bread and dipped it in the stew. “This is fantastic,” he added, “When they said the dinner was stew and bread, I was expecting something like the crap we were eating on our journey.”
“My stew is not crap,” replied Tyler, slightly miffed, “It’s not my fault I was using freeze-dried beef, and I didn’t have any new potatoes on hand. And excuse me if I didn’t find an oven to bake fresh bread every morning.” Tyler was an excellent cook, and he knew it.
“Erm, of course. Well it’s just that this is really excellent,” said Brent. Tyler grinned and drank his beer, not really offended.
“Let’s finish our dinner and sit by the fire. I want to see what they do,” Tyler said, momentarily flicking his eyes at the debating table. They made short work of the remaining food and drink, and stood up without looking at the suspicious group. As they left, the other table didn’t even pause in their fluid and loud arguments.

As Tyler sat by the fire, he immediately received a strong sense of powerful magic. The image of a tall, beautiful Elf flashed briefly in his mind. He knew for absolute certain that this was Queen Gilfrine, and she was sitting directly on his left.
“Actually Brent,” he said, “I think we should try the cider before we get comfortable. I hear it’s good.” Tyler had heard no such thing, but he was sure it was true in this excellent pub. His comment shouldn’t attract suspicion. Facing away from the Queen, he gave Brent a meaningful look.
“Good idea,” Brent said smoothly, standing up. They left the fire to order the cider at the bar.
Tyler ordered two half-pints of Strongbow cider, and the bartender updated their tab. “So?” asked Brent quietly.
“I could sense her magic as soon as I sat down - it’s very powerful. She was on my immediate left.”
“With that tough-looking blond Elf beside her? I can’t believe I didn’t notice,” said Brent.
“She looks pretty tough herself,” added Tyler.
“Too true. So how do we approach her? All I can think of is the old I’m-sorry-I-spilt-my-cider-in-your-lap maneuver, and she’d be way too smart for that.”
“She probably gets hit on all the time. But we’re half her age; we couldn’t pull that off either.”
“I’m doubting it with that bodyguard of hers. But why don’t we sit by them and let them make the first move. There’s only two of them, so it probably won’t degenerate into a fight like it might otherwise,” suggested Brent quietly. Tyler agreed. If there was bloodshed between them and their potential allies, their careful planning would be ruined.
They returned to the fire with their cider, and the chairs they had occupied before were still free. Tyler received no more visions from the Elven Queen’s magic, but he was constantly aware of its gently humming presence.
Unfortunately, Queen Gilfrine made no attempt to approach them, though Tyler and Brent were both sure that she was suspicious of them. Her guard glared at them occasionally, but then again, he glared at everyone. The Queen didn’t seem to know Tyler was aware of her magic. This entire situation was difficult, and Brent and Tyler didn’t want to disrupt the delicate balance.
After about an hour, the Queen and her guard left the pub. Brent and Tyler couldn’t think of a way of following them without attracting attention. Frustrated, they let a suitable amount of time pass and returned to their own room.
Tyler took out the room keys to unlock the door. “Hey, check this out Tyler,” said Brent, before he could open the door. Brent went into the disused alcove, and sat at the desk. “Maybe this is the King’s study carrel, for which the pub is named,” he said.
“So that’s what that thing is.” Tyler put the keys in his pocket and randomly selected a book from the desk. Tyler read its title, “Meditations on the Abyss.” He put it back and read some of the other titles. “‘Ceremonies of Light and Dark’, ‘War Without End, Parts I and II’, ‘The Day of the Dead’… hmm, they seem to be about philosophy or religion.”
“Maybe this one might be a novel then: The Corps is Mother, The Corps is Father. That title makes no sense. Maybe it’s a weird book on parenting in the army,” said Brent, joking. As Tyler looked at a heavy tome with the strange title ‘Thirdspace’, he felt a subtle humming inside his mind.
“Brent, this alcove, or maybe the books, are also magic. Odd that we would be near so much in one day.”

[Lief Erikson]

Finished with that also. Ready for the next! Unless of course you'd rather wait for your other reader(s).

[Lief Erikson]

. . . and with the second post also.

[Nurvingiel]

Holy crap Lief! I seriously posted that only 2 minutes ago! I think I'll let everyone catch up. Though, if anyone gets behind, they can feel free to take their time. Edits/reviews for all parts of the story are welcome at all times.
I'm going to resist the urge to post the next bits, partly because I want everyone to have a chance to read segments 3 and 4, but also so I don't run out of material!
I'm not yet finished Part III. On the other hand, it needs a lot more work than the first two parts. I have edited it less, and I did some tricky writing describing fights. That is so hard! I'm looking forward to working on that part.

Thanks Beta Readers/Elf Editors! I can never thank people preforming your valuable task enough. You are invaluable.

[Lief Erikson]

I have one critical comment, meant in good spirit. It sometimes to me feels as though this story moves rather slowly. This doesn't mean just add more action, though that might be helpful, but it just means perhaps take a little less time on the recesses between events occurring.

[Nurvingiel]

An excellent point Lief. I do want to take the time to develop the characters, and describe the rich world of The Island. Writing non-stop action would also be boring. I also want more build up to the action parts, but I entirely see what you mean. I can accomplish my goals without having the story drag.

Re-reading the story, I can't think what I would cut out. I'm quite attached to it, and almost couldn't bear to part with any secitons of the story.

Please note I said "almost". Do you have any suggestions as to what could go, or techniques that I could generally apply to my writing to avoid this in the future?

I am, of course, completely not offended. You were extremely polite anyway, but I still recognize that you are commenting on my work, not me as a person.

:)

[Nurvingiel]

I also made an edit based on one you suggested Lief.

I changed this:
“I’ve seen a few of those guys,” Erin whispered back. “I think they represent a threat, because they're probably a hostile force, but I don’t think they will attack us right now. All we can do is tell the next watch.” Their own watch was almost over.To this:
“I’ve seen a few of those guys,” Erin whispered back. “I think they represent a threat as a hostile force, but I don’t think they will attack us right now. All we can do is tell the next watch.” Their own watch was almost over.

[Nurvingiel]

I realized I've already written about seven segments of Part III, so I'm going to post at a faster pace. Here's a couple more parts, that I'm sure Lief will devour in mere seconds. ;)


“What is it, a spell make it appear boring and disused? That didn’t deter us though, we’re always interested in books,” replied Brent.
“Actually…” started Tyler, but he never got the chance to finish the sentence.
“You will exit the alcove with your hands in the air,” said a dangerous, no-nonsense, male voice. “We have several bows aimed at you. Don’t try anything.” Apparently, Tyler thought, the spell also makes you unobservant of important events unfolding right behind you. Tyler was normally aware of everything around him, as was Brent. They slowly raised their hands and moved into the hall way.

Ranged before them were five Elves. The two in front, and to the side, were Queen Gilfrine and her guard, daggers drawn. Between them, and standing further back, were three more Elves with bows. Brent recognized them from the table of debaters. “Using bows at such short range is crude, but still effective,” said the blond guard.
“Come with us,” the Queen said, “We will not hurt you unless you give us cause.” The bodyguard snorted derisively and looked as though he wanted to finish them off right then and there. The Queen glared at him and he shut up quickly, slightly abashed, but no less murderous. Tyler and Brent were led to a room further along the hall. The Elves were arranged militarily around them, and it would have been foolish to try to attack them – if they had wanted.
Entering the room, Tyler and Brent saw two more Elves from the debating table. Tyler suspected the remaining two Elves were guarding the stairs, stalling other guests of the third floor. They were made to sit in chairs, where they were frisked and tied up. “They’re clean,” said the Elf frisking Brent. Clearly, he was surprised. The Elves had removed only their swords, which they carried out of habit, and they had expected to find an assassin’s usual tools. Tyler reflected that perhaps they should have gone to the pub unarmed. Any battle with the Elves would do more harm than good no matter what the outcome.
“This is Tylard Crete,” said the Queen, indicating the blond, fearsome-looking Elf. “He is my Champion. Now explain your business.” The Queen’s voice also had a dangerous ring to it. Brent and Tyler knew they were treading on very thin ice, or perhaps, a very thin iceberg in a vast arctic sea.
Tyler took a guess, “You must know by now that we were sent by the Evil Overlord to assassinate you.” The Queen said nothing, stone-faced, but the other Elves looked shocked at his boldness and muttered amongst themselves.
“However,” he interjected, “You should also know that we have been working against her for months. She disrupted our government too, and we don’t like her any more than you do.”
“I find that hard to believe,” said the Queen. “Garrod is responsible for the death of many of my close friends and relations. My half-brother had an unfortunate and highly suspicious accident while out hunting over a year ago. My elderly aunt, who was in perfect health, died in her sleep a mere two months later. Six months ago, my husband was openly assassinated. Four of my advisors were also assassinated, and the remaining important members of my government have been in hiding since then, fearing for their lives. Tell me why I shouldn’t kill you right now. As you said, we know you were sent to assassinate me.” Tylard Crete shifted restlessly, seemingly eager to carry out the impending order. Tyler and Brent exchanged worried looks. They had had no idea that Garrod had been working this severely, and for this long, against the Elves. The Overlord had always been reticent on her activities concerning the Elves.
“Because we are not enemies,” said Brent, “We never intended to assassinate you, though we let the Evil Overlord believe this. We led the six other assassins on false leads. We know the Overlord is a danger to everyone on The Island, and must be stopped.”
“You betrayed your Overlord then. Why should we trust traitors like you? You could be playing both sides against the middle,” demanded the Queen.
“Because we are loyal to the office of the Evil Overlord, but if it’s held by someone who’s a danger to her people, then they are the traitor, and must be stopped,” said Tyler eloquently.

[Nurvingiel]

“And interesting way to split hairs,” glared the Queen, but she seemed at least partially satisfied. Tylard must have sensed this too, since he lowered his dagger.
As long as Tyler was relatively near the Queen, he could sense her magic. When she had angrily described the assassinations of her friends and loved ones, it had surged powerfully. “Stand down,” Queen Gilfrine said to the Elves with bows. “Elkeriann, check the hall.” One of the guard elves went out to the hall. After a moment, she returned to the open door and nodded. “Take them to their room, and leave them tied to the chairs.” The Elf who had frisked Tyler before now took his keys. Still tied to the chairs, Tyler and Brent were carried into their room by two elves each. Only one Elf stayed to guard them, and he was given the keys. He was shorter than most Elves, and was very lean and wiry. His pointed face was care-worn, and he was probably in his mid-forties.
“I am Yarras,” said the Elf. “Which one of you is Tyler and which is Brent?” He drew his sword and sat away from them on one of the beds, sword across his knees.
“I am Brent.”
“And I’m Tyler,” he said, though now it was obvious. Brent sighed and looked at the beds. They were in for the most uncomfortable night yet, barring the hailstorm, and the time a lone wolf wandered into their camp. Tyler knew what Brent’s sigh meant, because he was thinking the same thing. It was now completely dark outside, and after a while, Brent and Tyler slept lightly, still tied to the chairs. Sometime in the middle of the night, Yarras was relieved by another guard.


The growling of her stomach snapped Erin out of her reverie. She had been completely absorbed in the story, but not so much that she couldn’t stay on the trail. “Sorry to interrupt, I’m completely fascinated by your story, but I’m also starving. Do you want to stop for lunch?”
“Oh yeah, I’m hungry too,” said Emily, as though she had just realized it.
“Sure,” said Tyler. He shrugged off his pack and moved off the trail to prepare lunch. Soon, they were eating black bean soup, cooked to perfection, and twice baked bread. Emily produced a handful of decomposing leaves for herself, and had a taste of the soup.
“Nice soup Tyler, can you tell us more of the story over lunch?” asked Erin. Emily nodded with anticipation.
“Oh come on, I’ll get hoarse,” pleaded Tyler.
“Alright then, but I have a question. Did Queen Gilfrine have any family left? What happened to her was terribly sad,” Erin persisted.
“Well, essentially no,” answered Tyler. “She had one daughter that was lost to her when she was quite young. She didn’t really go into detail about it, just that she had placed her daughter into fosterage. Something happened that they lost track of her. She said she did it for her daughter’s protection. I got the impression that it wasn’t supposed to be for very long, but something went terribly wrong. The Queen wouldn’t talk about it; it was a tragic event, and she had recently lost her husband and all her family.” A fleeting, insubstantial thought pricked in Erin’s mind, but it was gone as quickly as it came.
“Why did she confide in you? Did you become friends?” asked Emily.
“Yes.”
“And how did ol’ Tylard take that? He seems like a tough nut,” continued Emily.
“Oh, it turns out he wasn’t that bad in the end. He was just very devoted to the Queen, and his position required him to kill many enemies. He had foiled many attempts on her life already.” Tyler paused and finished his soup.
“Was it always Garrod attacking her? Did the Queen have many enemies?” asked Erin.
“Argh! Enough questions!” said Tyler, trying to get out of continuing the story for the time being.
“Go on…” urged Emily. Tyler took an enormous bite of their chewy, slightly stale bread.
“Mmmph… rude… to talk with mouth… full,” Tyler chewed heartily and refused to answer any more questions. Emily and Erin subsided, and talked about other things as Tyler relaxed. They moved away to give him some space.

It was mid-day, and they had made excellent time hiking all morning. Erin reclined against a tree, enjoying the beautiful forest. The stream was much wider here, and there were many willow trees nearby. The rest of the forest was mostly birch, aspen, and some pine. Insects hummed in the background, and the sun shining through the leaves produced a calming, green effect. “We’ll definitely reach our rendezvous point today, we’re even ahead of schedule,” said Emily. She was standing between two birch trees.

[Lief Erikson]

Ready for more.
Originally posted by N
Re-reading the story, I can't think what I would cut out. I'm quite attached to it, and almost couldn't bear to part with any secitons of the story.

Please note I said "almost". Do you have any suggestions as to what could go, or techniques that I could generally apply to my writing to avoid this in the future?

I'm not going to go and review it all to suggest that. Conversation is good to have, but it can bog the story down if it takes up space and is unrelated to the plot. As a general rule of thumb, I never (with only one exception, thus far) have a scene occur that has no bearing upon the plot. Every scene should be related to your plan for the story, otherwise the story will drag. As many scenes as you wish can contain conversation, yet every scene should have a purpose to the plot.

That's what I do, anyway. If every scene has a purpose, then so long as those scenes aren't too long, the reader will continue with them, absorb them, and want to know what happens next.

Not to say what you're doing now is killing that desire or anything, obviously! I'm really enjoying the story. My sister wrote a story very similar to yours in some ways, and that one I also enjoyed reading.
Writing non-stop action would also be boring. I also want more build up to the action parts, but I entirely see what you mean. I can accomplish my goals without having the story drag.

I agree with you about non-stop action having potential to be boring. I wrote a book about 80 pages long several years ago. It was non-stop action and boring in the extreme. I was enthusiastic though, anyway :D. But that book shouldn't be inflicted on others, necessarily. The only reason I want to reread it now is because my writing of several years ago is potentially very humorous. Sometimes When I was younger I sometimes made the most wild things happen and was completely serious about them. Now they make fun comedy.
An excellent point Lief. I do want to take the time to develop the characters, and describe the rich world of The Island.
Character development and description of your world is very good to include. However, if I were you I'd not take doing these things as an also. I accomplish these aims at the same time as accomplishing plot objective. They don't have to be additions to what you're doing, and it's best to not take much time away from the story with them. However, including them within the structure of the story can enable you to complete these goals at the same time as keeping the story moving.

For example, you were able to develop the characters of Tylard, Gilfrine, Brent and Tyler all at the same time, in a scene that was involving definite plot movement. Except of course that it was a flashback, but all the same, it still was plot movement. That's the kind of thing I mean. Those scenes had definite points plotwise, but they also taught us things about the characters, got relationships and other interactions between people developed, etc. All at the same time and within the movement of the plot.

That's the kind of thing that I mean. It's possible to include some of the other, but best to make it included within the plot, rather than as an appendage to the plot.

[Nurvingiel]

Thanks Lief! When I have a little more time, I'm going to go through the story again. I can think of one or two scenes off the top of my head that could be shortened or eliminated, or changed to advance the plot more effectively. I'll do that side by side with your excellent advice. Now, on to the next two segments...

[Nurvingiel]

Erin looked up, “I’m excited to meet the famous General Brent. Imagine that he and Tyler were made assassins when they were only seventeen! And they were regarded as leaders too. Then, they had to guts to move against the Evil Overlord. If discovered, I’m sure Garrod wouldn’t have hesitated to kill them horribly.”
“Yeah, those guys are really brave,” Emily said, looking over at Tyler. She sat down next to Erin. “You know what Erin?” Emily said more quietly, “I really like Tyler.”
“I like him too, he’s a really great guy.”
“No, I mean I really like him,” Emily said emphatically, “You know, as one Tree likes another… erm.” Emily looked down, slightly embarrassed. “Except he’s a Human. It’s all so confusing. But Tyler is so hot.” Emily was the sort of person who needed to say what was on her mind, and she trusted Erin to keep her confidence.
“Ah,” Erin understood. “Tyler is hot. But don’t worry,” she added, “You won’t get any competition from me.”
“Maybe it’s the beard, that’s very Tree-ish you know,” Emily mused.
“I’m sure it’s more than that.”
“Oh I know, I’m just being facetious. Well, partially. And I really like him as a friend too. I’ve only just realized I had a crush on him.” Emily felt as though she could tell Erin anything, and upon reflection, Erin realized she felt the same way. Erin and Emily sat in a comfortable silence for a while, enjoying the beautiful day. Tyler snoozed peacefully under a tree, his cooking gear now clean and carefully stowed away. After a while, Erin felt that they should head out. She went over to Tyler and gently roused him.
“Hey Tyler? I think we should keep going now. And I’m not just saying that just because I want to hear the end of the story,” Erin grinned. Tyler open his eyes and smiled. He stood up and stretched mightily. Glancing at the sun to approximate the time, he agreed. Tyler and Erin shouldered their packs and headed back to the path. Seeing their activity, Emily grabbed her pack and led the way. Erin and Emily waited for Tyler to continue the story patiently but expectantly.
Tyler smiled. Secretly, he enjoyed telling this story. “Now let’s see, where was I…”


Morning arrived, and Tyler and Brent were stiff and tired. They had not slept well, but when the Queen and Tylard entered the room, they pretended that they had.
“We have decided to trust you,” Queen Gilfrine said simply. Tyler glanced at Tylard. He no longer looked murderous, but his stony expression revealed no emotion. Tylard took a minute to untie Brent and Tyler, then coil the ropes. “We have breakfast for you in our room,” added the Queen. She and Tylard left, followed by Tyler and Brent.
Over a delicious breakfast of oatmeal, eggs, sausage and potatoes, the Queen updated them on the new situation. “This may come as a surprise, but there are worse things than the Evil Overlord’s pending war.” Tyler and Brent nodded, since it was. What could possibly be worse than civil war?
“In an attempt to gain absolute control of The Island, Garrod has summoned a Dragon. She is apparently not satisfied with overthrowing each of our governments. She gathered a team of powerful mages, and they summoned the strongest Dragon their magic could command. Unfortunately for everyone, their magic could only bring it here. Extremely powerful Dragons are hard to control, obviously, and my Intelligence has told me it left the Capital for the northern mountains as soon as it was summoned.”
Tyler was dumbstruck, “Of course that happened, what on earth did they expect?”
The Queen nodded in agreement. “Garrod has become foolish in her irrational fear of not being in control. She is afraid of everyone, unless she controls everything,” she said bitterly. “This incident with the Dragon epitomizes it.
“Right now, the Dragon is content harassing small northern villages, and living in the mountains. This delicate balance will not last long. I am informed that it has already begun moving south, and will soon begin attacking larger cities. Garrod and her mages and powerless to stop it, as are all our armies.
“However, we are not completely defenseless, I possess powerful magic,” her eyes flitted briefly to Tyler, and he realized that she knew what he had sensed. “And as a group of fighters,” she indicated the other Elves, “We have the martial skills to overcome the Dragon. Combined with my magic, we have the chance to succeed.”
“Intense,” said Brent.
“Very,” replied the Queen.
“Well,” said Brent, “We resisted the Evil Overlord because her scheming threatened to destroy The Island. We will extend this resistance to helping you defeat the Dragon.” Tyler nodded his agreement.

[Nurvingiel]

“I would not have told you all this if we didn’t think you would join,” said the Queen. “That is one of the reasons we trust you, and I have further insights into your character.” She looked again at Tyler, and he wondered how much their brief connection had told her, and what her magic could do.
“Another dimension is, though we knew you were a member of the Evil Overlord’s assassins, you did not behave like them. You had a few opportunities to make a move, which you did not take, and some of your conversations indicated you weren’t trying to kill me,” the Queen added calmly.
“We would, of course, have foiled those attempts,” Tylard added. Tyler gave him a small nod of respect. He could see the skill and determination in this man. Tylard gave him a barely noticeable, friendly smile.
“When do we leave?” Brent asked.
“We will stay here one more night to organize our newly delivered supplies,” the Queen explained. “We’ll journey towards the northern Human city of Baakaraine as a small caravan of traders. There, we will leave the road to journey to the mountains. That area is so sparsely populated, I’m sure we won’t encounter any trouble… from humans. Our information is that the Dragon’s lair is relatively near the foothills.”
The Elves busied themselves repacking their supplies. One of the guards approached them with a pile of gear. “I’m Liseffla,” she introduced herself. She looked to be in her early twenties, and was the same height as Brent. Her dark brown hair was tied back in a wavy ponytail. She dumped the supplies in front of them. “You have your own stuff, but I doubt you’re prepared for a journey into cold, icy mountains. Here you have furs, down sleeping bags, snow goggles, ice axes, crampons, and ropes.” Apart from the fur mitts, cloaks, and hats, Brent and Tyler had never seen such equipment. The rope was different from what they were used to as well. Liseffla added that they would be taught how to use all the equipment once they reached the mountains.
Brent and Tyler went back to their own room for their packs. Brent paused at the alcove at the end of the hall. He quite liked the old desk and its dusty books. Besides the strange books they had been looking at the night before, the lower shelf was filled with books on science that he recognized. The subjects were either chemistry, biology, physics or astronomy. One of them was pretty far-fetched, a volume called “Pye Arche’s Theories on Suns and Stars”. Tyler came out with their two packs, handing one to Brent.
“This is all our stuff, we didn’t really unpack much,” Tyler said ruefully.
“At least we’re staying one more night, then we can have a comfortable sleep. In an actual factual bed,” added Brent as they returned to the Elves’ room.
“We can only hope.”

Tyler and Brent did have the luxury of a comfortable bed that night, and woke up feeling cheerful and well-rested. Upon squaring up their bill with Johnson, they found out that he was one of the Queen’s main suppliers. This partly explained the inn’s prosperity. Outside, the horses were each laden with a pack, and four large saddle bags. Tyler and Brent recognized their own packs, and went to make friends with their new mounts. Tyler checked the saddle bags, which all sensibly contained extra fodder for the horses. One saddle bag was the exception, being full of coarse salt.
“Well, horses do like salt,” he said, slightly puzzled. An Elf approached him, and Tyler was pretty sure her name was Elkeriann.
“That’s our fake trading good. Since it’s valuable, we don’t need to burden ourselves with wagons. It’s also useful in magic, which is really why the Queen wants it,” she said. Elkeriann left to tend to her own horse.
Tyler was very impressed with his mount, a bay mare. All the animals were large, shaggy war horses. Tyler’s horse also proved to be nimble and agile when she sidestepped him as he tried to mount.
“All right look,” said Tyler firmly and quietly, “I am getting on. You are staying put.” Tyler knew his horse wasn’t afraid of him, and didn’t dislike him. She was simply testing Tyler, to see who would be the boss on the journey. Tyler was determined that it would be him, since otherwise riding would be abjectly miserable. He stepped forward smoothly and planted his left foot in the stirrup. As he swung into the saddle, his mount didn’t move. Tyler patted her neck in thanks. The Elves were already familiar with their horses, and were waiting on Tyler and Brent.
Tyler couldn’t get over the good fortune of their meeting with the Elf Queen. They had earned a modicum of trust, and were traveling with her party. It was well worth facing uncomfortable night and a potentially lethal situation. Tyler guided his horse next to Brent’s as they started down the road.

[Lief Erikson]

Finished reading these two segments. Thanks for providing them.

I am a little unsure as to the pace I'll be able to continue to read during the next week. I may take a while.

[Nurvingiel]

I can slow the pace down next week. Everyone else in this thread will have a chance to catch up. :D

[Lief Erikson]

Want to post a couple more now, though?

[Nurvingiel]

Twist my rubber arm. I'll post one, finishing up part II.


The forest disappeared abruptly as their path led them into an open area. Erin could see a dock and a small boathouse in the distance. They were in a beautiful marsh which was criss-crossed with small streams. A thoughtful person had added logs to cross the streams, and they mostly indicated the driest, firmest route. Erin, Tyler, and Emily made their way towards the stream, where the path ended at the dock.
“A path a path a path a path!” said Emily in a high, funny voice.
“What?” said Erin. “Are you talking about that shrubbery?” she asked, indicating a small bush near the dock.
Tyler laughed. “Random!”
“Anyway,” observed Erin, “The stream is quite wide here. It’s practically a proper river now.” It cut distinctly through the marsh, fed by the many small creeks.
“It is a proper river, it’s officially called the Stoody here,” Emily said.
“Is this where we’ll meet Brent?” Erin asked unnecessarily. She noticed that ‘Headwater Landing’ was painted on the boathouse in faded red paint, but some questions had to be asked.
“Actually, I was expecting him to be here already,” said Tyler. He frowned, thinking of the numerous dangers Brent faced. “But I’m not worried,” Tyler relaxed, “Brent’s been through much worse than what Tolemy might throw at him.”
“I’m looking forward to meeting Brent,” said Emily, mirroring Erin’s thoughts. “We’ve heard so much about him already. Not just your story Tyler; he’s famous even in the Forest. So are you actually,” she added shyly.
The three friends went down to the dock and unshouldered their packs. Emily stood knee deep in the water, something that Erin noticed she did at every opportunity. Erin and Tyler followed sat on the edge of the dock, removing their thick-soled army boots and smelly socks. They reclined contentedly on their packs and dangled their feet in the water. Erin, Tyler and Emily rested in an easy, comfortable silence. Erin and Emily wanted to hear the rest of Tyler’s story, but didn’t press him. As if reading their minds, Tyler said, “I think General Brent himself can tell you the end. He kind of has to anyway, since I was injured for part of it.”
“Argh! More teasers,” groaned Emily in mock frustration.
Tyler grinned, and drained his last drop of water to soothe his tired throat. He was fairly taciturn in normal conversation, but could tell an excellent tale when he was in the mood.
“Go into my pack and have my canteen. It’s almost full, since I drink like this when I can.” She kicked one foot out of the water as explanation.
“How exactly do you differ from ordinary trees?” asked Tyler. He got Emily’s water and started drinking it.
“In two ways. Erm, this is actually a bit long-winded and boring,” Emily said apologetically. Tyler and Erin looked at her expectantly. They knew a topic that was potentially boring to her listeners wouldn’t stop her. “Well,” she continued, “First of all, our trunks (she indicated her midsection) branch into two legs instead of a complicated root system. Our feet are tough for walking, but they still act like roots, absorbing water and nutrients. We can also photosynthesize with our skin, not just our leafy hair, which is very cool.” Emily was excited now, Tyler’s story momentarily forgotten. “Energy from roots and light is enough for trees, but because Trees are mobile, we need a lot more. We eat food that we can decompose, where trees would have to wait for detritovores to do it. And then, of course, we are sentient, while our tree cousins are not. We can still communicate with them though. We can sense what trees have felt and experienced, if they wish to share it.” Erin’s sharp eyes spotted a boat in the distance, piloted by a lone figure. The boat had just emerged from where the river entered the forest.
“It’s General Brent! It must be!” she said, pointing.
“Good spotting Erin,” Tyler sat up, impressed. “I can’t tell if it’s him from here, but you must be right.” As if to confirm their suspicions, a large raven flew out of the trees, winging speedily towards them. It soon landed on the dock, and Erin recognized her as the one who left to deliver their message two days ago. She walked over to Tyler, and returned to him his ring.
“Thank you,” said Tyler, putting it on. Erin saw it glow green, briefly. General Brent approached them quickly, paddling strongly up the slow moving river. Erin knew that when Brent arrived, they would hear the end of the tale of the Dragon Wars. Its conclusion signaled the start of their own tale, and Erin wondered how it might end.

[Earniel]

Nice story, Nurvingiel. :) I enjoyed reading it so far. Interesting tidbit about the missing elf-princess.

[Nurvingiel]

Ah. Glad you noticed that little detail Eärniel.
Now let's get get Part III going! This part is not yet complete, but I've written about seven or eight segments so far. It will probably end up the same length as Part II, maybe a bit longer.

Enjoy!



Brent’s canoe glided smoothly up to the dock. Everyone stood back to give him room to get out, and tie up his canoe. Tyler, Emily, and Erin were all quiet, but for different reasons. Tyler was standing comfortably, glad to see his old friend. Emily was waiting to be introduced, and didn’t want to be the one to break the silence. Erin found that she was strangely shy. The Raven hopped to the end of the dock, head cocked, listening.
Tyler and Brent shook hands heartily, hugging each other with their free arms. “It’s good to see you Brent. You have to tell us everything new about Tolemy. But first, let me introduce Emily, a Tree, and Erin, an Elf,” said Tyler formally.
“I feel like I already know you Brent,” said Emily.
“I was telling them about the Dragon Wars,” explained Tyler.
“But what about the part where you, er…” questioned Brent. Tyler knew what he was talking about, but Erin and Emily were left in the dark.
“Well, I didn’t get that far yet. I was hoping you would tell that part of the story,” said Tyler. Emily drew a circle around herself with her index fingers.
“I’m on the Island of Ignorance,” she whispered to Erin, as Tyler and Brent had their own conversation. Erin laughed, but then became more serious.
“Sorry to interrupt your reunion, but what are we going to do with only one canoe?” she said.
“Hm. Well, the boat house usually has one or two,” said Tyler. He walked up to the old boat house, whose walls were leaning slightly. “We can borrow one… it’s for a good cause after all.”
“Slight understatement,” said Brent. Tyler opened the old doors to find them surprisingly well-oiled. Inside was a rowboat, a canoe, and space for more boats.
“Oh,” said Emily, looking in, “You mean actually borrow. I thought you meant ‘borrow’,” she said, making quotation motions with her fingers.
Erin went to the end of the dock and sat down next to the raven, who was quietly eating an unidentifiable item. “Er, do you have a name, or should I just call you Raven?”
“My name is Kim, but you can call me Raven,” she replied.
“Okay Kim, if it’s alright, I’d like you to take a message to Meg.”
Kim stopped eating and listened eagerly. “Just tell me and I’ll take it. It’s what I do.”
“Please tell Meg not to worry about me. I know that the other recruits will be home now, and the reason I’m not among them is because I’ve joined up with Tyler,” Erin paused. “I want to tell her that we’re going to try to overthrow the Evil Overlord, but I don’t want anyone but her to hear.”
“I can guarantee that; I have powerful magic,” assured Kim.
“Davp,” Erin continued, “Tell her that, and also, that I’ll take care of myself, and try to do the right thing.”
“No problem,” said Kim. “What does davp mean?”
“Oh, it’s just a word I like to use from time to time. It will make sense to Meg. It’s the first word I ever knew, maybe I even got it from my real parents, whoever they were,” Erin said thoughtfully.
“I’ll make sure I pronounce it properly as well,” said Kim. “Now I just need something that connects you with Meg.” As Kim and Erin talked, Tyler, Brent and Emily got the other canoe out of the boathouse and started distributing their gear.
“When I was a little girl, and Meg was quite new at Third West, she used to braid my hair. How about if I give you a lock of hair?” said Erin, drawing her dagger.
“Perfect.” The razor sharp edge of the dagger sliced an inch of hair neatly from the end of her braid.
“That will be good for my split ends too,” Erin added.
“Erin!” Brent said suddenly. Erin turned, startled. “Aaah! Did you just cut your hair? You did! Your gorgeous hair!”
Erin was slightly taken aback. “Erm, well, it’s good for split ends, and it really wasn’t that much, relatively. I have very long hair.” Erin sheathed her dagger carefully.
“Yes. Er, sorry. It’s just that you have really nice hair.”
“Erm, thanks,” Erin couldn’t hide her deep pink blush.
“Aw, Erin’s so cute when she blushes,” said Emily. Erin’s cheeks took on a brighter magenta hue. “Oh. Inappropriate teasing. Must learn how to interact more with non-Trees…” Emily walked down the dock quietly muttering mental notes to herself.
“Anyhoo,” said Tyler, “Are you guys ready to go?” Erin’s blush faded almost instantly. “I was thinking I would steer one canoe, and Brent, the other. Unless you guys know how to paddle.”

[Goldberry1]

i'm interested to hear about the end of this tyler/brent flashback, what with the foiling of the assassination and whatnot...

enjoying the story! very good! :D

[Nurvingiel]

“No idea,” said Erin.
“Trees and boats don’t really happen,” said Emily, as she rejoined the group.
“Well we can show you the basics when we get in the water,” Brent reassured them. Emily looked slightly dubious. “It’s all you’ll need.”
“If you say so, I guess,” said Emily. “I’ll refill all your canteens before we go. The water is very good here.” Brent and Tyler examined the new canoe.
“Do you think it’s been out of the water too long?” asked Brent.
“It looks like it’s in pretty good condition,” said Tyler. The canoe was sky blue with ‘The Blue Swift’ painted in faded navy letters on the side. “It’s very light too.”
“It’s the best alternative anyway,” said Brent resignedly.
“It’s a great canoe!” Tyler protested. “Emily, will you come in this canoe with me, because it’s sturdy and won’t capsize?”
“Sure Tyler,” she replied, “But watch it. Such talk has caused many a Tree’s camping trip to pour with rain. Though, that’s not always bad,” she added randomly.
“I’m confuzzled.”
“You know, when people say ‘Oh look how sunny it is, we don’t need to bring rain gear’ right before they go camping. Then, of course, it rains. The same could apply to canoeing.” She made sinking and swimming motions with her arms.
Tyler nodded his understanding, smiling slightly. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

Erin and Brent were ready to go. Kim landed on the bow of the Blue Swift and looked pointedly at Emily and Tyler. They took the hint and boarded quickly, tossing their packs and canteens into the middle. Brent guided his canoe to the middle of the river, and Tyler followed smoothly. Erin and Emily held their paddles, awaiting instruction.
The river was deep and fairly wide. Its bottom alternated between sand and round, grey rocks. Tyler and Brent explained various features of the river. Though the canoeing would be fairly easy, they had to keep an eye out for log jams, trees that had fallen into the water, and sweepers – fallen trees whose roots were still attached to the bank. These trees are more dangerous than large rocks, they explained, because water flows under them, leading your canoe to certain doom. Rocks should also be avoided, as well as sandbars that might be too shallow to canoe over.
“That being said,” said Tyler, “You don’t have to worry about steering at all. You just have to warn us about the danger ahead. Later, we might show you a stroke that reinforces our ruddering, but for now, all you have to do is be the power.”
“Power, mwahaha,” said Erin. “Never mind.” Only Emily seemed to get it.
“There’s nothing worse than someone who tries to steer from the bow,” added Brent. “Not that we think you guys would do that.”
“Wouldn’t dream of it,” said Emily.
“Right. So we’ll just show you how to hold the paddles, and how to paddle of course, and we’ll be off,” said Tyler.
“Ah. Actually paddling,” emphasised Erin, as she mentally reviewed all the dangers of the river.

Soon, they were well on their way. Kim took off to deliver Meg’s message, and Erin felt it would no longer be rude to hint about the Dragon Wars. Emily beat her to it. “So, back in the day, when you guys were first hanging out…” she started.
“Hanging out nearly getting ourselves killed in creative ways you mean?” Tyler finished for her.
“Well yes,” said Erin. “Do tell.”
“So I’m to take up the story?” asked Brent.
“Well you don’t have to now,” said Tyler, “Just at that one part.”
“Oh yeah. Well I don’t mind telling the tale, but maybe you should start to get me in the right mode. Where did you leave off last time?”
“I believe we had just set out with Queen Gilfrine and her party…” Tyler began.

Tyler and Brent pretended to be warm as Brent helped Tyler prepare the dinner. The Elves seemed fairly impervious to cold, or perhaps they were even more hardcore than Tyler had originally thought. This is not to say that Brent and Tyler hadn’t contributed to the expedition. They were both excellent scouts, and Tyler’s cooking was much better than the average camp meal. If there had been a battle, Tyler and Brent would certainly have held their own. Tyler pulled his toque lower over his ears and reflected how far they had gotten in the past two weeks.


The trip to Baakaraine had been fairly uneventful. They took a circuitous route, and extra time to scout thoroughly. The Elves had come to trust Brent and Tyler much more - Tylard Crete and Elkeriann became especially good friends, though Damiron, Radelle Reddshert, and Bogdran kept pretty much to themselves. They had also come to admire Queen Gilfrine a great deal.

[Lief Erikson]

Finished reading it as far as it is.

[Nurvingiel]

I'll post an update soon! I'm starting a new term at school, and have a cold, but it will come. Do not despair fair Elf Editors!
:D

[Nurvingiel]

In Baakaraine, everyone had expected some trouble. It was crawling with Garrod’s soldiers, but it was the only safe way to cross the Sturgief River. Apart from one incident where Tyler was sure a guard had recognized them, they were able to resupply and leave unchallenged.
It took ten days to reach the foothills. They didn’t meet any trouble on the road – they didn’t even have bad weather. This atmosphere of unbroken good luck was starting to make everyone nervous. The party scouted as much and as assiduously as possible without wasting time.
They then travelled for four days through the foothills. Again, they met no resistance of any kind. The nervous feeling of immanent doom never really left the party. Tyler was beginning to wish that something would happen to them, just to shake their sense of foreboding – a flash flood, meeting a bear, or finally coming across the dragon that was supposed to be ravaging the country-side. Tyler felt as though events would soon come to a head. They were now camped at the foot of Mount Alnus. All they had to do was climb through one pass, and over one ridge. Then, in the next valley, they would find the dragon’s lair.

Tyler and Brent’s vegetable falafels were delicious. They turned out perfectly, even though they were cooked in a risky manner over a campfire. Everyone in the party was gathered around the small cooking fire except for Elkeriann and Fishra, who were scouting. Though the small, smokeless fire provided little warmth, it created a cheerful atmosphere.
“Some dinner Tylard?” offered Tyler.
“Argh. How many times do I have to ask you to call me Ty? I hate the name Tylard,” he said, accepting a falafel.
“It just seems too informal,” said Tyler.
“I know the Human army stands on protocol but…” he trailed off. “Look, we’ve been sharing a tent for over three weeks! How much more informal could we possibly get?”
“Good point Ty,” said Tyler. Tylard rolled his eyes.
“You know what bothers me most,” said Bogdran, “We know the dragon has been destroying villages and ransacking the country, but we haven’t seen one single sign of it.”
“Well there was the burned out village on the road from Baakaraine, it’s just recently that we haven’t seen hide nor hair of it,” Radelle said.
“You could argue that dragons have a hide, but they definitely don’t have hair,” said Yarras, who was standing behind Tyler. Tyler recognised his attempt to lighten the mood, and chuckled. But he didn’t really feel cheerful, and nobody else laughed.
“You know what I miss,” said the Queen, changing the subject, “Sausages from The Brass Monkey.”
“What!” exclaimed Liseffla, “That’s the nastiest pub in the entire kingdom! I’m surprised it’s still in business.”
“Of course it is,” said Gilfrine, “It’s one of my favourite pubs!”
“What about The Keel and Banner? That’s a real pub,” countered Liseffla.
“Okay, that is the best pub, but they still don’t serve the great sausages of The Brass Monkey.”
“I shudder to think what goes in those, you’re sure they’re not just lips and -”
“My Queen!” Elkeriann and Fishra emerged into the small clearing quietly and swiftly. They both looked as though they had been in a battle, and Fishra held a makeshift bandage to her arm. “Two of Garrod’s assassins have found us. We killed one, but the other escaped with only minor wounds. We suspect they know where our camp is.”
“I think Tyler and I would be best equipped to take them out. Having trained with them, we know their habits best,” Brent said, slightly uncomfortable. Tyler nodded, nervous at the prospect of going up against a fellow assassin.
“I agree,” said the Queen. “Not that I want to send you off alone, but I believe any more than two people would attract unnecessary attention.”
“We don’t feel abandoned,” Tyler smiled. “I do request though, that Elkeriann guide us to the slain assassin. Knowing who he is will give us some idea of who his companion is, and therefore what strategy to employ.”
“That makes sense, what little is left of our tracks would take ages to follow otherwise,” said Elkeriann.
“Alright.” To everyone the Queen said, “Strike the camp, we should be ready to leave as soon as possible. We’ll camp in a more defensible place tonight.”

[Lady Ravyn]

"Erin the Elf"?! that's my name!!! :D cool, i'm an elf, huh? lol
cool story! :) and very snazzy title lol :)

[Nurvingiel]

Glad you like the title. I hope to appeal to people named "Erin" everywhere. :D

What do you think of the rest of the story? :D

[Nurvingiel]

Tyler and Brent packed only a large canteen of water, emergency food, and a thin blanket each, in addition to their weapons. Brent also carried a first aid kit. Their only armour was toughened leather jerkins – metal armour was simply too impractical on this sort of journey. They piled the rest of their gear neatly, ready to be hastily packed upon their return.
Having just been scouting, Elkeriann was already prepared. Like all the Elves, she carried a longbow, a short sword, and a dagger. Tyler had Drgnslyer, a long knife, and one throwing axe, and Brent carried a long sword, a dagger, and a long knife.
As camp was struck, Gilfrine attended to Fishra’s wound – a sword cut on her right arm. “I’m lucky this wasn’t deeper,” said Fishra, as Gilfrine sutured the gash. Fishra turned to Tyler and Brent. “Be careful guys, I suppose you don’t need to be warned that this guy is tough. He’s the one who got me.” She briefly described the assassin. Brent and Tyler agreed it was Tarrodite.
“Someone needs to warn him that we’re tough,” grinned Brent as they turned to leave, but Tyler could tell he was nervous too.
Brent, Tyler and Elkeriann slipped quietly into the forest. In the first few minutes of their hike, Elkeriann succinctly explained the battle between them and the two assassins, ending with how they partially concealed the dead body under the root mat of a large, fallen spruce. Elkeriann finished her account, and the three friends tacitly agreed that they wouldn’t speak further unless necessary.
After about half an hour, Elkeriann stopped near a large clearing. She motioned towards it, making it clear this is where they left the body, and where Brent and Tyler could pick up Tarrodite’s trail. She shook hands with Tyler and Brent, silently wishing them luck. Elkeriann turned and took a different route back to the camp.
Tyler and Brent paused, still partially hidden in the boreal forest. Tyler reflected that the dense underbrush would aid their enemy as much as them. “Elkeriann said ‘her’, so she was probably Carolyn. She was the least skilled of the three women,” said Brent in low tones.
“And if that’s the case, it makes sense that she was working with Tarrodite,” inferred Tyler, equally quiet. “He was the toughest besides us. I’m sure he knows that we’re after him, and working with the Elves.” Brent looked at him pointedly. Time to get on with it.
Both men knew what plan to follow, and they didn’t need to speak to confirm it. Brent stealthily moved away from Tyler, around the edge of the clearing. He was almost completely concealed in the underbrush.
Tyler crept into the large clearing. The ground was very rough, and sprinkled with younger trees ranging from saplings to thirty-year old trees as tall as he. He saw the fallen spruce, which had until recently stood near the centre of the clearing. The root mat elevated the base of the trunk slightly; in that space, Tyler could barely make out green cloth on what might be an arm. He continued cautiously towards the tree, scanning for any sign of movement from the surrounding forest.
As Tyler slowly neared the tree, his mind was racing. He worried that more assassins had joined Tarrodite and the late Carolyn. He then dismissed the idea because additional people wouldn’t have let Carolyn die without joining the battle. Then, Fishra and Elkeriann would have known about them.
Tyler briefly considered the idea that Tarrodite had left, and was tracking their camp instead. However, he needed to proceed as though he was in mortal danger in case Tarrodite was still in the area. Most likely, he was.
He reached the sleeve, and knelt down next to it slowly, with his back to the large spruce. The trunk was wide enough to give him enough cover from behind – kneeling, it nearly reached his eye level. He slowly drew Drgnslyer. It didn’t make a sound in the well-oiled sheath. With his left hand, he reached down and to his left to grasp what he thought was Carolyn’s shoulder.
He slowly pulled her toward him, and was shocked to find much less resistance than he expected. He was only holding a torn sleeve. Glancing down quickly, he saw pooled blood partially concealed with leaves and moss. The dead assassin’s body had been moved.
Tyler rapidly assumed that he had walked straight into a trap. He was dealing with Tarrodite, his most cunning and dangerous foe.
He dropped the cloth and drew his throwing axe with his left hand, still wielding Drgnslyer with his right. Fearing an attack, he moved to have the root mat at his back, and the trunk to his right. Tyler knelt on one knee, using the protection of the tree as much as possible.
Tyler waited for the attack he knew was coming. Nothing could be heard except the natural sounds of the forest – the trees swaying in the breeze, a distant bird, and an animal rustling in the grass behind the root mat. The hair on the back of Tyler’s neck prickled, and his heart pounded in fear. He stood up quickly, whirling to his left at the same time a sword pierced the root mat. Tyler shifted quickly to stand beside and slightly behind the barrier. He swung his small axe instinctively as he came into his enemy’s view, but he missed his target and embedded it in the roots.
Tarrodite had checked his attack when he heard Tyler move, and only the tip of his sword was still in the tangled roots. Tyler let go of the axe, and smoothly followed his failed attack with his sword. He swung Drgnslyer at Tarrodite’s neck when his sword point was still hampered by the roots, though it was nearly free. Tarrodite blocked left-handed with a long knife, but he was still at an awkward angle. Tyler was no longer at a disadvantage – through fortune and instinct he had the upper hand.
Tarrodite freed his sword in his right hand, and stabbed at Tyler’s mid-section. Tyler stepped backwards and brought Drgnslyer crashing down on the blade. He immediately raised his sword to a guard position – the tip pointing at Tarrodite’s throat. The two combatants were still in close quarters. Tyler faked a sidekick to Tarrodite’s hip, hoping he would move to block. If he didn’t, Tyler would continue his kick full-force, possibly separating Tarrodite’s hip. He had dealt a few blows to this target in countless practice bouts.
Tarrodite did start to block with his knife. Balanced perfectly, Tyler retracted his kick, shifting to his right. Tarrodite’s sword was out of range for now, but Tyler still risked the knife. As he planted his foot, he extended his sword into Tarrodite’s throat. He tried to raise his sword and knife in self-defence, but he didn’t have time. Tarrodite saw his death in Tyler’s eyes.
Tyler cleaned Drgnslyer on Tarrodite’s cloak, listening and watching the forest around him. He hoped Brent fared well; he was scouting the edge of the clearing for enemies.

[Lief Erikson]

Good writing.

In the first post, I found one error in the beginning that I paid attention to. Nothing else really jumped out at me, except quite a bit of the conversation about the falafels felt unnecessary.

Here's the first line and the beginning of the second, from the first post.
In Baakaraine, everyone had expected some trouble. It was crawling with Garrod’s soldiers
When you say "It", in the beginning of the second line, it for a moment confused me. I had to realize whether "it" was referring to Baakaraine or the trouble. It could have been referring to either. Although this isn't difficult to figure out, it's good not to make your readers have to read the lines more than once to know what they mean.

[Nurvingiel]

Good point Lief, I'm very glad you're still reading, you give excellent suggestions. I will change "It" to "the city".

Then it will read:

In Baakaraine, everyone had expected some trouble. The city was crawling with Garrod’s soldiers
What do you think?

[Lief Erikson]

My only problem then is that I wasn't aware Baakaraine was city.

You might want to write it this way:
In the city Baakaraine, everyone had expected some trouble. The place was crawling with Garrod’s soldiers
Or you might identify a little earlier on a bit more clearly what Baakaraine is.

[Nurvingiel]

I didn't realize the setting was unclear. I think I can fit in a description when they first arrive, but that will take a little more work. Thanks Lief.