I want some people to go over some of my writing

[Amea]

Hi, I'm Amea and I was wondering if anybody would mind looking over some of my writing and telling what they think? I don't want to post it until I'm sure that some poeple want to read it.

[PippinTook]

I'd read it, I don't know how good I am at critiqueing but I'd be glad to read your story!

[Akamai Deredal]

I'd also be more than happy to read what you've written, though I can't say how quickly I'll have it done. School work has been a bit more demanding than usual, as of late. But I will do my best, if you want me to help. :D

[Amea]

Cool :D I did't think anybody would respond. Um... It might take me a while to get it all up but I'll get it up sometime in the near future. Here's only part of it...
The past is important to the present and to the future. I will tell you the past, but you must find the future for yourself...
Long ago before the races were divided, before we all grew away from Luna, in that time Luna lived among us. (sorry got to go. Uh... My teacher is yelling at me)

[Amea]

Hi People,
I'm back (for now) Hey where is everybody :confused: Oh well, Such is the fate of my threads. I think I want to let off on the story from before for now,at least. But I have a bunch of poems for you guys to look at. (I'll post them latter 'cause right now I think the first bell has just rung. So cao) ;)

[Lizra]

I'll read them if they're readable! :D and not too long! ;) Post em and don't worry about it. :) It's like fishing. If you get a bite, great, if not...change the bait, or location! ;)

[Amea]

Thanks Lizra. I was wondering if anyone would respond. Well anyway

Don’t leave me


Don’t leave me
I cried into the night
As your face faded from my sight
Don’t leave me alone
I had thought you were my own
Was I deceived?
Why did I believe?
You would never leave
Don’t leave me
Was my final plea
It echoed from my mountains to my sea
I wish you were here with me
Don’t leave me
I cry, as tears fell from my eyes
Our love becomes empty lies
Don’t leave me
I love you
You know I do
Say you love me too
You love me
You love me not
You love me
You love me not
You love me
You love me not...
You don’t love me do you?

Don’t leave me, please don’t leave me
Was my cry into the night
My cry of bone chilling fright
Why don’t you love me?
I gave you the secret key
To my heart, I let you in
Don’t leave me...
Don’t fade away into memories...
Don’t turn into a shadow in the night
Don’t leave me
I love you
You know I do
Say you love me too
You love me
You love me not
You love me
You love me not
You love me
You love me not...
You don’t love me do you?
Don’t leave me
I’m alone can’t you see standing where
You left me
Don’t leave me I cry
But my hands clutched at shadows
You're gone, this I know
But did you have to go?
You left me
My eyes only see darkness where there once was light
I can only see night
You left me
How I long to see the morning’s blue skies
But darkness clouds my eyes
The darkness clouds my vision
I wish someone would release me from this prison
Maybe one day someone will come and bring light
Into my perpetual night
But till then I will shun men
And keep my guard up
You left me
I loved you
As I will always do
Oh, how I wished you’d say you loved me too
You love me
You love me not...
I know this is true
So, good bye, so long, farewell, a due...
Now I will leave you.

Hope you like it

[Lizra]

That's very readable! :) It's a little repititious in spots. I (personally.....you should do as you wish! ) would make it shorter...and MORE gutwrenchingly personal! ;) Let's see.....


....I cry into the night,
as your face fades from my sight.....

....was my final plea, echoing from my mountains to my sea.......

....I cry, the tears fall from my eyes, our love becomes just empty lies.

love me love me not stuff breaks the flow (for me..:) )

Very nice! .....Poor baby! ;)

[Amea]

Hey thanks :D You got some good ideas! ....I cry, the tears fall from my eyes, our love becomes just empty lies... Ilove that part I think I'll add it in if it's alright with you. The reson why it's so long is because it's a song. (Damn, I can't stop ryming) :D I'm gonna take out some of the loves me loves me not's out, But it's sort of the corus (can't spell :mad: )

[Lizra]

Oh! A song! :D Well that's different. A chorus! I get it now! ;)

[Amea]

The problem is I can't spell :D But I'm glad you like it. Hey, Just wondering do you write? If you do why don't you post some of your writings. I want to make a thread where people can post their writings to get some feedback. :D

[Lizra]

Feedback! Who needs feedback! :D I wrote a garden column for our local paper for several years. I posted some of those in the "Non fiction" thread. Other than that, my posts are my writing. :rolleyes: I am a painter at this point in time! :) You could start a "Song" thread here in the "Writer's Workshop". I don't think I've seen one of those...but I could be wrong. People post their stuff in this forum fairly often. You could direct your questions to IronParrot, the moderator for this forum. :)

[Amea]

I'll try that. (on a lighter note) Cool your a painter, I always wanted to paint but I could never find the time:D

[ayarella]

Hey! I read your song. It has great rythm. I found just a few tiny grammatical errors.

1. "Your gone, this I know" (not possessive YOUR but you=are=you're)

2. "And I will always do" (try As I will always do?)

3. "Oh how I wished you would say you love me too" (try loved me too)

Just a few ideas. I could be completely off the wall since I have bad insomnia and as a result am slightly psycho. :)

Good luck with your writings...you have a unique talent!

[Amea]

Thanks ayarella, I like what your thinking. You gave me a new Idea for a new poem. ( Your new here arn't you? Wellcome to Entmoot)


:D

[Amea]

I edited Don't leave me Just look at the old post. If there is any more that you guys can add just post it and I'll see what I can do.:D

[Tessar]

:D If ya can't spell do what I do... Use the spell checker on your editing program (for me it's Microsoft Word).

The first part Don't leave me should probably be "Don't leave me" with the little "s around it, because it's what you're saying :p.

I like the song a lot, it's very nice and flows well!

[Amea]

Hey Guys, (sorry I haven't been on, My computer is being dumb) Thanks Tessar. I would use my comps word program but it's being a pain at this moment in time so... I will do the best I can
:D
(Uh Guys :confused: Where is everybody!!!!!!)

[Goldberry1]

just a question... was there a source of inspiration for your song Amea? for some reason it's ringing a bell inside my head...:confused:

but i really like it! definitely well-written.

[Amea]

There is really no insperation for my song, I guess you can just call it a childish twittle. The reason I wrote the song is because my Ex-boyfriend had dumped me and I was really depressed and angery. It took me a few weeks to get over it and that's when I wrote the last few lines
" You love me
You love me not...
I know this is true
So, good bye, so long, farewell, a due...
Now I will leave you."
But all in all thanks for the comments guys and to all the writers out there keep writing, Peace out :cool: (yeah I know it's cornie)

[Amea]

Okay people, I'm starting to get bord with this. Let's move on shall we?
I wrote this to go along with one of my main characters in most of my writing so enjoy :D

I am Devak
(So get used to it)
By: Amea Avora malinth Devak

What is life when it’s lost it’s meaning?
What happens when the magic takes over
and reality is gone?

I am what happens
Am I what you fear?
I dwell in two worlds
But I belong to neither

I am dead to the pain of living
I no longer see
right
or wrong
I only see what is true
My voice goes unheard by mortal ears
My life is empty

I do not know what life is like for mortals
But I know what life is like to me

It’s a slow hell
that drains every ounce of your soul
Then in the end it hands you back
Your shattered form,
Just to spite you

Who am I? You may ask
Well, I am your nightmare
I am your worst fear
I am devak

[Goldberry1]

very nice... so what sort of writing do you usually do? what genre? anyway, here's my thoughts:

"I no longer see
right
or
wrong"

this breaks the flow for me, maybe make it "I no longer see right,/or wrong." I think it adds a little emphasis.

"Then in the end it hands
you back
Your shattered form
Just to spite you"

also seems to break the flow, maybe try "Then in the end it hands you back/ your shattered form,/Just to spite you."

p.s. - i also like the snippet from your sig... it has 'devak' in it... is that from one of your stories?

[Amea]

Blue: *pops out from nowhere* Hehehe Devak's in everything or on everything as it might be...
Devak: *smacks blue and throws her outside* Now that that's over *snicker* I would be happy to explain my self... I'm actuly (stumped spelling) three people, Amea, Avora Malinth, Devak. I am the latter you see it's hard to explaine. When I was younger I was Amea, Sweet and childish, Then when I became older I needed to change my name, A new name for a new life, (I will not go into detail because that would distroy my creators story) and when that life was over I called myself Devak and that's my story shortened.
Amea: Would you please?
Devak: Oh would you please, Good bye people, I'm getting yelled at *pops off*
:D

[PippinTook]

That was great! Though I agree with GoldBerry, it made me want to learn more, and drew me in. I loved "Don't Leave Me" I'd like to see more of your work!
-Pip

[Amea]

*blushes*
Thanks, I'm sorry I haven't been on in a while but I've just moved to a new area and well I haven't had time to get to a computer.
I'm sort of in a writing slump at the moment,
Devak: what she's saying is she's out of ideas
Amea: Shut up *punchs at devak* but right now I'm working on one of my novles and I really don't want to put it on the web just in case someone is taking my ideas and calling them their own.
Blue: You have no faith in people do you?
Amea: Would you all just go away!!!:mad:
Ugh! I'm off for now talk to you guys latter
PS: I edited the old post so you guys should check it out :D