A sad poem by me...

[Elf Girl]

I rather like it. I wrote it in the metre of the Lay of Leithian, for fun. :)

Fear and Joy

What is it, friends, that I do fear?
I long to ‘scape the heartache drear
of separation, loss of love,
of dread and loneliness thereof.
I fear the endless rolling days
as life before me quietly plays
and I alone, alone must sing,
while all the bells of joy should ring.

I fear the knife that cleaves apart
all bonds ‘tween people and joy of heart,
that ends the hope forevermore
of hearing cheerful voice at door
calling, ‘Come friend! Come with me
for joy it brings me you to see.
I’m happy just to speak with you
for the words you say with me ring true.’

Ah! That I should keep these things,
I’d give up gems and golden rings.

Some brutal criticism would be welcome, please point out anything that sounds the least bit wrong! I just wrote it and haven't have time to really go over it yet. :)

[Lizra]

Well that's very nice Elf girl! I wouldn't worry, you will never be alone! ;) I like the meter. Of course, that type of rhythmic flow is right up my alley.

[Percy Weasley]

This is really beautiful. I like it very much. It's very poignant and moving - you have real talent.

But you asked for brutal criticism (I understand the desire for it, I ask for the same, so here goes...)


What is it, friends, that I do fear?
I long to ‘scape the heartache drear
of separation, loss of love,
of dread and loneliness thereof.
I fear the endless rolling days
as life before me quietly plays
and I alone, alone must sing,
while all the bells of joy should ring.

Line One) I'm not a big fan of "that I do fear?" It just sounds a little forced...perhaps something along the lines of "that most I fear?"

Line Two) The second line bothers me the most in the entire stanza...it sounds rather forced (is "drear" a word?). Perhaps something along the lines of "that dreary heartache finds me here?"

Line 3) change "of" to "and" for reasons of meaning

Line 4) change "of" to "the" for reasons of meaning

Line 5) nice. :)

Line 6) Nice, but not powerful enough. It sounds peaceful and happy, not something you'd be afraid of. Perhaps something more along the lines of "and single notes my sorrow plays"? Or something.

Line 7) Nice.

Line 8) Nice.


I fear the knife that cleaves apart
all bonds ‘tween people and joy of heart,
that ends the hope forevermore
of hearing cheerful voice at door
calling, ‘Come friend! Come with me
for joy it brings me you to see.
I’m happy just to speak with you
for the words you say with me ring true.’

Line 1) Nice.

Line 2) This line is out of meter. How about something along the lines of "all bonds that link the human heart"

Line 3) Nice.

Line 4) Out of meter and awkward. Something along the lines of "of hearing bright tones at my door"?

Line 5) Nice, if read right, keeping in mind the punctuation

Line 6) Hmm, again, awkward. How about something along the lines of "For joy [love?] has set we prisoners free"?

Line 7) Nice

Line 8) Nice.


Ah! That I should keep these things,
I’d give up gems and golden rings.

Line 1) Nice.
Line 2) Nice.

Really, a very beautiful job. Please don't take this criticism wrong. I wouldn't take all the time to do it if I didn't think this was wonderful work. :)

Peace to all,
~Percy

[Elf Girl]

Ooh, thank you! I'm going to print out the criticism and the poem and go fetch a red pen. I'll have it edited in a few days, if I can find the time. :)

[turtlelover]

that is great, i wish I could write like that

and i'm sure with the improvements it will be out standing

make sure that you post the edited version once you finish ok?:D

[Elf Girl]

Goodness- life got hectic and I completely forgot about this little poem. Here's the edited version, my aplogies to turtlelover for not having it sooner.

Fear and Joy

What is it, friends, that most I fear?
The loss of all that I hold dear.
The terror pulling us apart
to overcome me; chain my heart.
I fear the endless rolling days
as single notes my sorrow plays
and I alone, alone must sing,
while all the bells of joy should ring.

I fear the knife that cuts away
the happiness I have today;
that ends the hope forevermore
of hearing bright tones at my door,
calling, ‘Come friend! Come with me,
for joy has set we prisoners free.
I’m happy just to speak with you
for the words you say with me ring true.’

Ah! That I should keep these things
I’d give up gems and golden rings.

I used a ton of Percy's suggestions, but keep in mind this is still in progress. I hope to soon replace them with things out of my own imagination.

[Nerdanel]

Nice!:) I really like reading it out loud; my family must think I've gone mad..:p
It's a very beautiful one, Elf Girl!:)

[Elf Girl]

Thank you! *blush*