Ringing In my Ears

[Adrian Baggins]

Ok, this is my first fan fic on Entmoot soooo, I guess, I could start by giving u a quick excerpt, like they do In real books.

*excerpt*

Ami pulled her hair back and sat down, looking at her computer screen. As she opened the internet, a message popped up.

Dear Dark Moonlit Angel, please come play with me today at five on NeoMasters.

~ Dark Hunter

P.S. Please invite Deep Moonlight. c ya!

"Yes!" Ami whispered to herself, going to NeoMaster's and logging in.

A message from Dark Hunter popped up and she looked at it, smiling to herself.

Hey Angel,

Where's Moonlight??

~Hunter

I'm inviting her now.

Thanx Angel

I will write the prologue and Ch 1 if u like the excerpt.

[IronParrot]

Ok, this is my first fan fic on Entmoot soooo, I guess, I could start by giving u a quick excerpt, like they do In real books.
By "fan fic" do you mean that this is somehow connected to an existing franchise? If so, I'm not quite grasping what it is...

Aside from that: I think you should probably flesh out your prose a little. Right now you're describing what's happeing event by event, so it reads like an outline rather than a story. I'm not sure what direction you plan to take it in plot-wise, but if it's your style to outline first and fill the paragraphs out a little, then by all means, do that. But be warned that to me, it doesn't look very complete on a "depth" level yet.

[Adrian Baggins]

Ok, this is a fan fic based on a game that Lady Arwen56 would know about, it's called Dot Hack. It is an excerpt, like they give at the beginning of books, I am working on the beginning as we speak, I just haven't thought of how exactly to start it. I am working on it tho

[Adrian Baggins]

Okay, I have the 1st installment ready:

Prologue

Ami sat down in a seat and looked out the open window of the bus, her short black hair with white blond streaks moving slightly in the breeze.

Tears fell from her electric blue eyes, streakin gher pale face.

She got off at her house and walked in, sitting down at her computer.

Chapter 1

Ami logged onto the net as a message popped up, it was an email from her friend Connor.

Dear Aims,

I found this cool new game online, It's called NeoMasters, Jillie and I have joined, and I think you will liek it alot. Please join.

~Connor~ *my screen name is Raven

She clicked on the link and watched as the homepage pulled up.

"Welcome to NeoMasters. please register," a voice said as a small window popped up.

"An automated system, genious," she whispered, filling in the blanks quickly till she came to the blank asking for her screen name. Finally she filled it in as Dark Moonlit Angel.

She looked up from her speedboard and clicked enter. "Thank you for regestering. You are now being connected to our server," the voice said.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That's all I got so far. Write more soon

[IronParrot]

Okay, quick comments.

First of all, I'm assuming this is sort of an outline-ish first draft, and you're going to flesh out the prose quite a bit by the time you're done with it?

Also. Given the length (or rather, brevity) of the passage you posted, I think it works just fine, or even better, if you don't delineate it with "Prologue" and "Chapter 1". It looks like a continuous passage to me. I generally recommend that you leave chapter cutoffs to either (a) a huge cliffhanger of a hook at the end of a chapter, or (b) major setting and/or point-of-view change.

I look forward to reading more.

[Adrian Baggins]

The only reason I ended the Prologue there is cuz that shoutld have been set of on CH 1 as about 5 years later, someone died, I just hadn't wrote any more of Ch. 1 yet so I just poated as much as I had. I am working on it tho. It itsn't very good yet but I promise to make it better if I can.