Can't come up with a name for this LOTR fanfiction.

[littleCat]

Chapter 1


Adrianweth sighed as she walked up the halls of Rivendell, her long sleeved, pale purple silk gown lightly brushing the ground as she walked, making a soft whisper in the peace of the glade. She pushed a piece of her copper brown hair into her neat plait. She turned an ornate corner and looked over a glass and crystal balcony to see Gimli, Aragorn and him. Legolas. The elven prince she had been forced into marriage with. She clenched her fist, her knuckles whitening, as she headed towards her favorite secluded garden.

Legolas watched her walk away, his eyes showing that he knew why she had walked away so angrily. "What’s wrong with you elf?" Gimli said gruffly.

Legolas looked at the other two,� Soon after I returned from my trip with Gimli, my father told me of an agreement that had been made thousands of years ago. In the agreement, I had been betrothed to Adrianweth the Songbird of Rivendell and daughter of Elrond." he said.� She resents and hates me for agreeing to go through with the arranged marriage."

Adrianweth strolled softly down the halls of Rivendell, lost in thoughts of escape plans from Rivendell. She suddenly stopped,� Why are you following me Endermier?" she said levelly.
"Who could not follow such a radiant creature?" he said, inching closer to her.

She scowled,� Leave now Endermier. I have no need to talk to you." she said, starting to walk away.

Endermier grabbed her wrist, twisting it sharply and pulling her into a rough kiss. Adrianweth pushed him away, trying to escape. He twisted her wrist harder, causing an audible snap of bone.
She screamed, her face contorting in pain as she slapped her sharply across the mouth.

Legolas stopped,� Someone’s hurt." he said, rushing towards the sound. The other two followed, their weapons clanking a warning to who ever was coming. When they arrived, Adrianweth had a bloodied lip and nose, and her sleeve was missing. Legolas drew his bow and placed the point of an arrow on Endermier's head.� Let her go." Endermier released his grip on Adrianweth’s broken wrist. Two other elves arrived, and after hearing the story, led Endermier off to a holding room.

Adrianweth looked at Legolas," Thank you." she said, holding her injured wrist. She walked away, headed towards the Healing Glades.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here's my first chapter! Uhm, don’t think I'm some creepy fan girl or something, I'm an Aragorn fan. :-) Uhm, could you read/review?

[Tessar]

First off you have a nice way of describing things, very... descriptive. :D

There are some small problems with descriptions like this one "her long sleeved pale purple silk gown" it should be "her long sleeved, pale purple silk gown" or something of that sort.

A problem is that your sentences tend to run on for too long.

Put spaces in to mark out paragraphs, no one likes reading smashed text on-line, and I found myself struggling even to finish reading something as short as this.

You need to run this thing through a spell check before posting it sweetie :). It won't catch everything, but it will get some of the really bad mistakes that we all tend to make.

Other then that... Well I've never really been very fond of the whole 'lego-boy' and 'elf-girl' being forced into marriage idea, but that's just me. :D.

Over all not too bad.

[littleCat]

I did do spaces! It didn't put them when it posted..... But I fixed it! Uhm, if people don't like that idea, then i'll stop writing the story if enough people complain about it.

[Estel13]

Me, I like it. I'd also like to read more of it, please. :)

[Lady Arwen56]

I liked it too. Why don't we have a fan fiction forum here????? *raises eyebrow*

Here's some names:
1. Aranged Love
2. Unwanted Marriage

sorry if their a little...weird, I'll come up with some more, you'll just have to give me a while. You know what? i'm starting a fan fic in this forum, and I'm telling everyone it's thanks to you! :)

[Earniel]

Originally posted by Lady Arwen56
I liked it too. Why don't we have a fan fiction forum here????? *raises eyebrow*

Maybe because the Tolkien trail already has a fanfiction page (http://www.tolkientrail.com/rivendell/fanfic.shtml) and a writer's forum.

[littleCat]

Chapter 2, sibling troubles.
Arwen walked into the healing gardens,� Hello Adrianweth, my dear sweet sister.�
Adrianweth scowled, her back to Arwen,� Well look who it is, Arwen the Evenstar, Queen of Gondor and Papa’s favorite.� She said her voice icily emotionless.

Arwen sat down next to Adrianweth,� I know you are angry about your marriage, but if you only gave it a chance you….�

Adrianweth turned,� Gave it a chance? Giving that forced marriage a chance is like giving up my freedom and resigning my life to that of an idle noblewoman as I spend my days chattering away mindlessly of unimportant matters!� Adrianweth said, storming out of the gardens.

Adrianweth clenched her fists, fury in her eyes. Arwen this, and Arwen that. Half the sentences around here were about Arwen, the perfect eldest daughter of Elrond. Adrianweth looked out at the night sky, longing for the open sky of the vast plains of Rohan, and the crisp night air of the mountains. She scowled, and headed to her room.


Chapter 3, the return of th ring

“We are here to discuss the fate of Endermier, who has been convicted of the assault of a fellow elf without due cause.� Elrond says.� I am inclined to hand down the judgment of exile from Rivendell.�

Two strong looking elves carried off Endermier, who yelled curses in Elvish at Adrianweth, who remained expressionless. When he had been taken away, she stood up, preparing to leave. Legolas put his hand on her shoulder, his eyes kind and full of concern.� Adrianweth, are you feeling better this morning? I had not a chance to ask you before.�

Adrianweth looked at him,� I am fine. I have broken my wrist many times before.� She said, hitting his hand off her shoulder. As she reached the exit, a mortally wounded elf stumbled in, falling on Adrianweth,� Help….the ring…..the ring….has…a. twin..� the elf said, gazing into Adrianweth’s eyes. She held him up, trying to put pressure on a gash on his chest. The dying elf collapsed, and Adrianweth carefully lowered him to the ground. Soon, two elves trained in the healing arts took the injured elf away. Adrianweth walked over to her father, to tell him what she had been told by the elf.

[littleCat]

Originally posted by littleCat
Chapter 2, sibling troubles.
Arwen walked into the healing gardens,� Hello Adrianweth, my dear sweet sister.�
Adrianweth scowled, her back to Arwen,� Well look who it is, Arwen the Evenstar, Queen of Gondor and Papa’s favorite.� She said her voice icily emotionless.

Arwen sat down next to Adrianweth,� I know you are angry about your marriage, but if you only gave it a chance you….�

Adrianweth turned,� Gave it a chance? Giving that forced marriage a chance is like giving up my freedom and resigning my life to that of an idle noblewoman as I spend my days chattering away mindlessly of unimportant matters!� Adrianweth said, storming out of the gardens.

Adrianweth clenched her fists, fury in her eyes. Arwen this, and Arwen that. Half the sentences around here were about Arwen, the perfect eldest daughter of Elrond. Adrianweth looked out at the night sky, longing for the open sky of the vast plains of Rohan, and the crisp night air of the mountains. She scowled, and headed to her room.


Chapter 3, the return of th ring

“We are here to discuss the fate of Endermier, who has been convicted of the assault of a fellow elf without due cause.� Elrond says.� I am inclined to hand down the judgment of exile from Rivendell.�

Two strong looking elves carried off Endermier, who yelled curses in Elvish at Adrianweth, who remained expressionless. When he had been taken away, she stood up, preparing to leave. Legolas put his hand on her shoulder, his eyes kind and full of concern.� Adrianweth, are you feeling better this morning? I had not a chance to ask you before.�

Adrianweth looked at him,� I am fine. I have broken my wrist many times before.� She said, hitting his hand off her shoulder. As she reached the exit, a mortally wounded elf stumbled in, falling on Adrianweth,� Help….the ring…..the ring….has…a. twin..� the elf said, gazing into Adrianweth’s eyes. She held him up, trying to put pressure on a gash on his chest. The dying elf collapsed, and Adrianweth carefully lowered him to the ground. Soon, two elves trained in the healing arts took the injured elf away. Adrianweth walked over to her father, to tell him what she had been told by the elf.

Should I continue my fic?

[Elf Girl]

I spend a lot of time at www.fanfiction.net , reviewing stories and offering constructive criticism to writers, especially not-so-great ones just starting off. I will treat this as though it were just one of those.

I would advise you to check out http://www.elvea-aure.0catch.com/ppc/essayonreading.htm , which has a lot of information that might interest you.

Well, first off, your plotline is quite cliched. This is not necessarily bad, but it's easy enough to see where you're going, and it has been done many times before.

Here are the cliches:

Second daughter of Elrond
Whiny, Arwen-was-treated-better-than me
Arranged marraige with Legolas
Second Ring.
In fanfiction circles, any of these four would earn it the title of 'Mary-Sue', which basically means cliched, beautiful elf-girl falls in love with Legolas

That said, a critique:

Chapter 1:
You can clearly write fairly well.
ELVES DO NOT ARRANGE MARRAIGES! It is completely against their nature to marry where there is no love!
The names 'Adrianweth' and 'Endermier' have no meaning- you can find Elvish words at the Ardalambion and turn them into names for a more authentic sound.
The plot of chapter one does not work. No Elf would ever, ever try to kiss or make any signs of love (rape, etc.) towards an Elf that does not love them. The closest they ever came was Maeglin's love for Idril, but he suppressed it and turned to Morgoth.

Chapter 2:
If there are 'healing gardens' in Rivendell, Tolkien has not reported it.
The cliche of sibling rivalry between Arwen and the Mary-Sue is very old. Arwen would never harbour anything but love for her sister.

Chapter 3:
O dear Eru. The twenty-first-undiscovered-ring-of-power cliche. One of my least favorites. What part of ONE ring do you not understand?

All the chapters could stand to be as much as five times as long. Try some more detail as well. Also some sentences are clumsy, and it could use an editing for misused punctuation.

Please note that I am touching only on the less-then-perfect aspects of this fanfic. There is no point telling what the good parts are, because how would that help you improve?

If this critique makes you unhappy or angry, feel free to Private Message me.

As for the title, I have no idea.

[Earniel]

Drop the 'r' in the name Endermier and your Elf is called And-the-ant in Dutch. Quite funny, really. Something to go with RÃ*an's Elf Balony. :D

[littleCat]

*hides* okay okay! I give in! No more of this fic! *runs away*

[Elf Girl]

That's a reasonable descision, but don't stop writing! You can write well, just avoid cliches!

[littleCat]

I never read lotr fanfics before* still hiding* and as for teh healing gardens, i didn;t think 'infirmary' was elegant enough for elves!
Okay, if i continue, my girl elf Adrainweth will now be called Aerlinn. And Endermier is Prestanenn.

[Elvedans]

Doesn't Prestanenn mean something to do with changed water?

[littleCat]

It means trouble, and fyi, he was not raised an elf. His elven father died before he was born and he was raised in a very rough part of the human world.