First lines

[IronParrot]

You've probably all heard the saying that to get the reader involved, you need to hook them right from the very first page, or even the very first sentence - perhaps the first line. So, here's the challenge: share the first line to a story you're writing, or even a concept you intend to write. Make it a really great hook that interests me in reading the rest of the piece. Remember, you only have so many words to work with, so use them wisely!

[Tessar]

A rustle... Something had moved behind him. Or some things.

Slowly enough that he wouldn't frighten it if the creature was a friend, Abanor turned and faced the noise. At this time of night anything that was moving in Green Woods was likely to be more afraid of him than Abanor was of it.

A gentle wind brushed past Abanor's face like a sigh, almost seeming to whisper something in a secret language. Moonlight filtered through the many tree branches and enchanted the forest with a silver glow. And yet nothing moved in the wind. It was a sigh, but not of unhappiness.

It was the last wind Abanor would ever feel.

~*~*~*~*~*~

*blink*

And no, he doesn't die. *evil grin*

[IronParrot]

Good one! The foreshadowing helps tremendously. A bit more than one line, but hey... :)

[frodosgirlfriend]

THE STORY OF SERJ

Oh, my dear, sweet Kali, I ever love you, but this seems to be the end. I shall forever be sorry for every burden I never took myself and laid upon your back. I’m sorry for it all, though you don’t remember, or you don’t believe. I have written this for you, so you may know the truth, my dear, sweet Kali. I have left you, to find my companion elsewhere, for you didn’t deserve it. Everything that happened to me I did deserve. Please remember me, dear Kali, though memory is painful. I will always miss you.
~ Serj ~

1

“Why do you always follow me around?” A young girl asked as she took off her headphones but didn’t stop walking down the long, wet street.
“Because I have to.” A young boy replied as he walked next to the girl and raked his hands through his coffee colored hair...


***
I know it's a bit more then the first line. If anybody would like to read the full story theres a link at the bottom of my sig to my FP.net page.

[Tanoliel]

Got a couple...

“I say,” Celine said quietly. “Have I got something right here?”
(This as she gestures at a large spike through her middle...okay, so it's the beginning of a scene, not a story, but I like it.)


She watched out of the corner of her eye, waiting, because she knew he would come. He always did. And when he finally showed, at almost midnight, she was there to hand him a bowl of stew and a leftover loaf of bread, to lead him down to the cellar where a special hidden room was waiting, and to show him in and kiss him goodnight and lock the door firmly behind her.
(Also a bit longer than asked--but it all flows so well. :))

It was on the morning of the fourteenth of April that Metro Bus 8464 decided it was quite fed up with everything.
(This story is actually finished--gasp--I'll send it to anyone to wants to read the whole thing.)

tano

[Gwaimir Windgem]

I've posted the beginnings of two stories on here, already, and I'm sorry to say that that seems to be (almost) all I've got; the other stuff is on the other computer, and I can't access it on Internet.

[galadriel]

Originally posted by Tanoliel
“I say,” Celine said quietly. “Have I got something right here?”
(This as she gestures at a large spike through her middle...okay, so it's the beginning of a scene, not a story, but I like it.)
Hehe... behold the power of understatement.

Here's mine.

"Ten minutes into the drive, a dull morning rain started up over London, obscuring the city streets with an endless sheet of gray."

A little too "dark and stormy night"-ish, I guess, but it improves from there. I think.

[Starr Polish]

"Wind rustled through the dying trees with the sound of dry bones one day in late autumn."

"Sometimes I think I'm a little crazy. Not your everyday, caffeinated teenager crazy, but actually crazy. Other times, it seems I'm the only one who has a good grasp on things, and the rest of the world has gone insane. Most days, it's somewhere in between the two. Well, maybe not <i>most</i> days."

There are a couple.

[Tessar]

OoooooOOOO...

Now those are stories I would love to read Galadriel and S.P. :eek:


The second one was a great start S.P.

[Willow Oran]

Heh, first lines, heres my somewhat over traditional first line thingy.

"Once upon a time there was a world called Kiaca and in this world was a country. The country was called Enigma because the people who lived there thought that Enigma was a nice name for a country. Enigma was ruled by a king and queen as many countries in those times were, and this story begins with them."

[Fimbrethil]

Hey that's a good one. I wouldn't mind reading it when you're done Willow. I have an idea started but besides the young aruther thingys at school (which might I ad are a complete load of bull and a waste of my some what limited talents) This will be the first story I've writen and I kinda want to make it long enough to call it a novel but it all depends on if it's good enough.

Cathy was sitting in the bright almost to painful to look at white hospital room, just stairing(sp?) into space. "How could this have happened to me?" She quietly asked herself. "It was a perfecly normal day," the young girl said thinking back on what had happened two days ago. "Cat?" Cathy's mother whispered from the door way.
"Yeah mom I'm here. Do the doctors know anything yet?"
"I'm so sorry baby, but they say you'll never walk again."
Cathy's mother came over to hug her daughter and comfort her as best she could. "I'll show them," Cathy whispered defiantly, "I'll show them I can walk again. I will."

Alright so it's a little longer than a first line but what do think? I know I need to work on my spelling and maybe dialoge but am I on the right track?

[IronParrot]

Alright so it's a little longer than a first line but what do think? I know I need to work on my spelling and maybe dialoge but am I on the right track?
I assume it's a short story in its current form? From this opening passage it's hard to say anything, but I do get the impression that it's moving along way too fast - even by short story standards, let alone a novel. Example:

"I'm so sorry baby, but they say you'll never walk again."
Cathy's mother came over to hug her daughter and comfort her as best she could. "I'll show them," Cathy whispered defiantly, "I'll show them I can walk again. I will."
The emotional reactions and conflicts here, and the demeanours of the mother and daughter, could be fleshed out at least tenfold.

However, I'm not sure what direction you're taking this in, so I can only say so much. It's a good place to open, though. Introducing a sense of conflict right from the beginning is always something you should aim for. Now revise it and sharpen the hook.

[Fimbrethil]

Thanks. But her learning to walk again is really only the opening to hook my reader. Honestly if you want the truth that's probably the smallest conflict in the story. I've been thinking about this for a long time but this is the first time I've done anything about it.

[Balrog_of_Morgoth]

I've been working on a story for about 2 years. After the prologue, this is the first half page of my beginning:

Tharn Telion stood upon the rocky coastline of northern Akaya, long black hair blown back by the strong northern winds from Mistrime Bay and beyond. The sun was shining amid a clear blue sky. Midsummer was come, yet it seemed that winter had never left. The temperature was barely above freezing, and the wind made it seem far colder. He had always loved the water, the crashing of the waves, the smell of the salty air – now it seemed that the tides of death were the only thing that the northern bay had to offer. A few seagulls rode the winds, calling to each other in their lonely voices, then flew to the east and disappeared, leaving Telion with only his thoughts to keep him company. His people, the Elminti, had finally resolved to leave their homelands of the north, giving in to the relentless cold that had slowly replaced the more moderate weather that they had enjoyed in decades past. He could remember a few of the warmer summers, but they were a distant memory, near forgotten relics of his childhood.

[Arat-Falathion]

The rain lashed down in dark, relentless sheets, beating on the roofslates with the sound of clashing armies, guishing in great torrents from the gutters and flowing across the slippery cobbles, chattering down towards the swollen river below.

The short man walked swiftly, pulling down his hood and dipping his head low in a futile attempt to escape the cold raindrops attacking from above. He thanked his godess ironically for his fortune of weather and pulled his cloak closer about him. The rain fell only heavier upon his shoulders, as if his prayer had been heard, but denied.

"Usstan bel'la dossta kyona, Ilhar Quar'valsharess." He muttered sourly, again refering ironically to his godess.

The dusk of night was slowly creeping upon the City of Erador, erasing the shadows of twilight, swallowing all light in its greedy march. The cloaked man did not seem to be bothered though, did not seem to fear the cruel and rightfully achieved reputation of this citys nightlife. Night was the hour of rogues, thieves and thugs, and lonely people walking the streets upon their hours was as seductive for a thief as a piece of mithril for a dwarf...

...yet the man did not seem to flinch, wasn't even wary of the many dark corners lining the streets of this horrid city. The man walked unbothered, as if the darkness itself knew to show its respect to his presence.

The pale light from a window revealed the cheek of the mans face for merely a second as he swiftly walked by, revealing the colour of his skin. Dark violett, the skin of a highly rare elven kind, the drow.

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

OOC: Thought it was about time to join this "first lines" topic. I usually try immediately to catch a certain mood in those lines, to create an atmosphere and raise perhaps a few questions in the reader... ah well... it is late :p I realize that it was a little long, but didn't want to cut it in the middle :p and the fact that I have work a lot more writing the beginning than the end may cause it only to be dull... ah well :D

Oh, and the language used in that dialogue is my try at drow language ;)

[Elfmaster XK]

I know it's a bit more then the first line...

I guess this thread is becoming first paragraphs, eh? :D

Originally posted by Starr Polish

"Sometimes I think I'm a little crazy. Not your everyday, caffeinated teenager crazy, but actually crazy. Other times, it seems I'm the only one who has a good grasp on things, and the rest of the world has gone insane. Most days, it's somewhere in between the two. Well, maybe not <i>most</i> days."


That is a great opening line(s). I'm going to assume that there is more story to go with it :p It'd be nice to know a little more about that.

Fimbrethil, you do need to work on spelling and grammar, but the opening itself is a good emotional grab. Nice one :D

This is the first line of my novel...

The hill is steep, but I keep climbing, my only mission to reach the top.

...but to be fair it doesn't reveal a lot on its own. So this is the rest of the paragraph.

Around me leaves stir, whispering at my feet and urging me on. The answers will be at the top of this hill, and all I need is to know. I glance up and see the moon is bright in the sky, the stars gentle and clear. Such clarity. How ironic. Clear as the words on the page. I flick through catching only glimpses of the words inside, the words I have read a hundred times or more, the words that shed the purest light upon every mistake I ever made. It chills me.

I have been working on this for a while and have 10,000 words in four chapters, and a few bits of other chapters I just wrote when I felt like it. I don't know how good this is as an opening, but I suspect it is a little plain, so may be subject to change. :rolleyes: As it has several times already. :D

[Tanoliel]

How about the one you're writing with your twin? ;)
She said I could read at least her parts. Would you send it to me when you're done?

tano

[Elfmaster XK]

Originally posted by Tanoliel
How about the one you're writing with your twin? ;)
She said I could read at least her parts. Would you send it to me when you're done?

tano

Sure you can. :D If you want the summary go ahead and ask her for it. I don't mind you seeing it. Haven't had chance to talk to her about it since she went back to Uni though yet. Must send email.

Though I believe she is writing chapter one, so she'd have to write the first line here. :D

[Tanoliel]

She's told me about it, a bit--sounds like a grand adventure! :D

I'll bug her about it too.

tano

[Elfmaster XK]

Hey Tano, you'll have to email me your address so I can email you when it's done.

I don't mind you looking at it in progress if you want to, as I have written chapters three and four already. Or alternatively you could wait for the whole thing :D Knowing us though, that could be a while ;)

[Lief Erikson]

Here's the prologue to my book:

Originally written in "The Uirlon Cord"
The Mountains of Eseren were shadowed from the sun by a massive fog that had risen from the plains below to cover their tips in a constant gray twilight. Somehow, the dense mist had managed to come up at a time when it fitted Baarorg’s mood exactly.

The bare rock and shale were slippery underfoot and he had to choose his steps carefully to avoid falling. However many times he had traveled over this path in the last few years, it still had no effect on his abilities to get used to this mountainous waste which had become his home.

He was silent, but in his mind he was going over again the near glories of the past, all lost because of a single slip up. It had been an error in judgement that had cost him everything. Just as one error now could cause him to plummet to the bottom of the cliff which he walked along. He would never make the same mistake again. Not that he’d ever have the chance, now.

He reached the top of the incline and was surprised at the sight of a black horse tied the railing of the porch.

His throat tightened. Surely they wouldn’t have come here for him again? They had banished him to one place to another, and the locations worsened.

His right hand twitched towards where his sword would have been fifteen years ago and he gave a slight grimace. But no wishing would bring its comforting weight back to his hip. But these things were better faced.

He mustered his courage and strode up to the doorway, pushing open the door and stepping inside.

A stranger sat on a chair facing the fireplace, his pale hands rubbing together to give them warmth. He wore a traveling cloak, the hood drawn up over his head.

"What do you want?" Baarorg asked boldly, taking another step forward.

The stranger’s head cocked upward slightly, but he didn’t turn around. "It isn’t polite to keep guests waiting, Baarorg. But I suppose that checking your traps has taken you longer than usual."

"It does more often now," Baarorg said, stepping closer. "The weather has not been improving, and the pathways are more treacherous.

"Why are you here?" He tried not to ask his next question, but his fear got the better of him. "You aren’t . . . from the Rainbow Council, are you?"

The figure laughed ruefully for a moment before slowly getting up and turning around to face him. "The Rainbow Order has done its job well. That was a question that you would never have asked fifteen years ago."

"Did I know you?" Baarorg asked, looking at the person more closely.

He saw instantly a small flash of disappointment cross the stranger’s face, but then the man shook his head. "Once, perhaps, you knew someone like me. But that man’s life forever changed at the time your army crumbled, and neither of us are what we were. You would have no memory of me."
Continued in next post.

[Lief Erikson]

Originally written in "The Uirlon Cord"
Baarorg looked at the stranger more closely, with rekindling interest. The man had wavy brown hair and a handsome face, but his eyes were hard and cold, full of potential deadliness. He bore no weapon, and his clothing was made of a gray, firm fabric, but he had the air of a man of intelligence and he moved with the self-confidence of a man who had nothing to fear.

"You’re no wizard," Baarorg said as he looked at the person more closely. "But you are somehow like them. And you have come here to do more than insult a former general. What is your purpose in coming here?"

The stranger’s lips twisted into a smile and when he spoke his voice was harsh, different. "I see that you have not lost all of your skills, however much they have been dulled by constant fear." He nodded his head in approval. "You will do well, I expect. I have come to take you away from here, Baarorg. But not to a new place of confinement." He glanced around. "This one would do well enough for that."

He locked his eyes on Baarorg’s and waited for a moment before speaking again. "If you had the opportunity, Baarorg, to regain what you lost, would you take it? If you were given back your army and a chance to defeat the Order that cast you so low, would you rise to the opportunity?"

Baarorg raised an eyebrow. "How am I supposed to know you aren’t sent by my enemies to ascertain how broken I really am?"

"You can’t know that until you accept. But the alternative is to continue life as it has been now, to the end of your days. To proceed with your miserable existence in this bare rocky waste until you have grown old and your strength dry." The stranger’s lip curled. "Then you would wish that you had answered my question."
He pulled his hand out from underneath his cloak, and Baarorg’s eyes latched upon the object that had been held underneath, not capable of looking away.
"Raise the banner of the Red Dragon again, Baarorg, and they will flock to your call."

The sword that the stranger held was long and well balanced. The hilt was intertwined with black and silver steel cords, and on the hilt’s crest was the figure of a dragon.

Memories flashed through Baarorg’s mind, of the battles he had fought and won with that blade. This was his own personal weapon from all those years ago. Was there truly a chance?

He did not know, but he no longer cared.

He did not remember crossing the space between himself and the stranger, but he reached out his trembling hand, wrapping his fingers about the sword’s hilt. A new energy coursed through his mind and muscles as he remembered the times long passed and his long defeated goal. It had been to avenge his family, which had been murdered by the Rainbow Order what was now eighteen years ago. He still remembered their faces clearly, and the Rainbow Castle had become his enemy. His foe that he had hated, when he had dared to hate.

"Who are you?" Baarorg asked, his voice trembling with emotion.

"One name is as good as another," the stranger said. "But you may know me as Darkagrin."

"Then I owe you my thanks, Darkagrin," Baarorg said, running his fingers along the length of the blade. "And my help."

[Tanoliel]

Whooo...sounds interesting!

[Earniel]

I agree with Tano. :)

This is from your book, right?

It's a little long for first lines I think :D but it definately succeeds in making me want to know more about what's going to happen.

[Lief Erikson]

Yes, I might have done better to post it in a section to itself. I didn't primarily because other people also were posting segments of some length. Mine is probably the longest, though :). It is the prologue of my book.

[Elfmaster XK]

Hey, that's a really good prologue. :D Am muchly intrigued by it. How far along is this story?

:) I don't know if you've proofed this yet but I did spot some grammatical errors.

i.e.


Just as one error now could cause him to plummet to the bottom of the cliff which he walked along

Use of "which" here would require a comma, but better than that is using "that".

But no wishing would bring its comforting weight back to his hip. But these things were better faced.

Both of these sentences begin with "But".

etc. I don't want to nitpick or bore you because this is a really good intro. But I thought I'd warn you they were there so when you re-work you look for things like repetition, comma useage and such. Or if someone does your proofing for you then I suppose they will know what to look for already.

Blah. Anyway, point was, I really like it. :)

[Lief Erikson]

Thank-you very much :D. And also- feel free to point out editing comments. This book is, after all, hopefully going to be published one day. I'll be sure to pick up things you point out. Perhaps not now . . . as I mentioned on a different thread, at the moment I don't feel like editing, but later :).

Right now I'm somewhere around page 520 or 530, in this book. It's about half-way done. That's why I will have it split into four parts.

[Elfmaster XK]

Wow, is going to be rather long then. :D That sounds cool. So you mean like a four part series, or four parts in one volume? I suppose over 1000 pages would be a damned big book though.

If you want I can edit it for you, then you can carry on writing and go back later when you're done to do the corrections. By that I mean I never change anyone's work unless they say to. I bracket correction in a colour (like this) so they can decide to change or not at a later date.

[Lief Erikson]

Actually, an English professor has already read Part 1 of the book, and marked the manuscript up. It would be best if I implimented what he's changed, before I had anyone else spend a lot of time editing it. You'd probably catch a huge number of the same things.

I think I'd rather work further with it myself. But thanks for the offer :).

[Elfmaster XK]

Okay, no problem. You're obviously all set then. I guess you can't get anyone with better knowledge of English there. Let us know when it gets into print, eh ;)

All I can say then is good luck! :)

[Lief Erikson]

Thanks :).

[Tanoliel]

Yes--let us know when you've got it published and all. :D Looks awesome so far. I'd like to read more.

(And more than five hundred pages! I'm impressed...nothing I have is nearly that long. :))

T

[Arat-Falathion]

But I suppose that checking your traps has taken you longer than usual."

"It does more often now,"

I didn't quite understand that answer :p
----------------------------------

Ah, you gave me chills there Lief. Amazing :D ...and now I'll have to wait until it is published to read the rest! You have a perfect selection of prolouge there that rais questions in the readers mind... I wonder who this Darkagrin person is ;) :D

Can't wait to read you book Lief! I wish you truly good luck with it! May your hunger of editing rise beyond sanity so that you can finish the book :p

Good luck!

[Elfmaster XK]

Originally posted by Arat-Falathion
I didn't quite understand that answer :p
----------------------------------


I read it to mean his traps for catching animals.

And so the conditions where he lay the traps have led it to take longer to check up on them as of late. I could be mistaken of course. This....

"The weather has not been improving, and the pathways are more treacherous."


...suggests what I thought it to mean.

[Arat-Falathion]

Hmm... but would it not read easier if it said: "They do more often now", as it referes to the "traps" and not "a trap"?

Ahh... me is norwegian though :p

[Katt_knome_hobbit]

It wasn't a hot fire, not one conjoured up by demons, but it was a fire none the less. And it was slowly engulfing Morgan's ankles.

The next line should be something like "OH ****!"

[Elfmaster XK]

Originally posted by Arat-Falathion
Hmm... but would it not read easier if it said: "They do more often now", as it referes to the "traps" and not "a trap"?

Ahh... me is norwegian though :p

No, it is right to say "It" because lief is referring to the action of checking the traps taking longer, not the traps themselves. But perhaps this question will show that the phrase is not entirely clear. :)

He could've said "It often takes longer to check the traps now." As that is what he is trying say.

[Tanoliel]

Kitty--what's that from? I want some of your writing...

[Arat-Falathion]

Ahhh.. I see your reasoning XK, the action, must think of the "action" :p Me is norwegian though, so it may be me native tongue that is tricking me into going all puzzeling over that "answer" :D

[Katt_knome_hobbit]

Originally posted by Tanoliel
Kitty--what's that from? I want some of your writing...

I made it up on the spot. Someone needs to write that story. Have you read the "story that could kill"? First line:

Once there was a story that could kill...

[Lief Erikson]

Originally posted by Katt_knome_hobbit
I made it up on the spot. Someone needs to write that story. Have you read the "story that could kill"? First line:

Once there was a story that could kill...
It's a wide forum here . . . feel free to write that :).
Originally posted by Elfmaster XK
He could've said "It often takes longer to check the traps now." As that is what he is trying say.
Yes, that's what I meant.

And in answer to your other question earlier, which I forgot about, yes, I'm planning to split it up into four or five separate books and publish it that way. It's possible there might be a fifth. At present, my plot includes room for only four, but it grows, so I consider it quite possible that there might end up being five.

Thanks again for all the kinds words, everyone.

[Fimbrethil]

Originally posted by Elfmaster XK

Fimbrethil, you do need to work on spelling and grammar, but the opening itself is a good emotional grab. Nice one :D

Thanks I would have said thank you sooner but I've been gone a while. I kinda like my spelling puts a twist on things.:) Anyway I've more or less reached a stale mate with that book. So many ideas not enough words. I have another book in the works a really big subject jump, but hey what can I say I'm just original like that.
"Ahhhh,why do they keep raising their prices,'' Mariana Farnam grumbled to Entilson, her Cheif Officer. It had been 13 years since the famine that had made being a free lance trader/smuggler with a huge army to supply almost impossible. "Come on Bekse can't you lower something for an old friend? I'm the only smuggler that I know of in the entire gallaxy with a fleet of her own."
"I hope thats not supposed to be a threat. Also if I remember correctly your 'fleet' was just a bit more impressive than you make it sound," Bekse said in a tone that could freeze Ziama, the systems sun. "You know the prices aren't going down. Take it or leave it."
"Well then, come on Entilson we'll be taking your business elsewhere from now on," Mariana said those words with as much feeling as she could muster because everyone in that room with Bekse as an exception knew what empty words they were.
"Wait! We can lower it from 3,000 bakh to 1,500 but that's it."

Hehe...kind of long but your not even getting the jist of it from that. A little Star Warish but I like it.

[Fimbrethil]

Decided you would get a much better feel of my story if I posted a summary. I do this alot...write the summary when I haven't even started on the book. Please keep in mind my book is NOT finished!

Mariana has heard of things happening on other worlds. People suddenly dieing or wandering off only to be found muttering to themselves five or six days later after that some people say that they were never the same again. It was one of those he said that she said that he had a friend stories...no one believed them.The Unifight, the leaders of Mariana's world, Irpent, approach Mariana they bring with them a cryptic message about an ancient people in a star system far away. They are the only people that can save...everyone.


Gives you a much better idea of waht it's about wouldn't you say?

[Elfmaster XK]

Yeah, you're right that we get a better idea from the summary. Sounds very interesting.

As I read the excerpt I was perfectly happy imagining the place. Then you said a bit Star Wars-ish and my mind immediately pictured them in Tatooine. :rolleyes:

But yeah, I do like it. The whole people waking up and muttering reminds me of a game I played called Morrowind. Ah...loved that game.

This is the summary for my novel, I Didn't Write Letters, plus two small extracts of important scenes.

“Down with the Guild system!” the banners of The Unified Church read. The Union has managed to spread across Narella, the Western world, but the elves have long relied on the system of clans and guilds to keep their freedom. They are not about to give it up, especially not for *their* kind. Jaira De Morette, an elf of high status, has had little to worry about during her short life, but that is all to change when the Union arrive in the elven city of Goldleaf Lakes. Friends and family start disappearing, the power hungry Unified Church destroy more and more of the old way of life, and a much more sinister purpose is working all the time where she would least expect to see it. Jaira has to fight for her love, freedom, and life as all around her the echelons of power and society dissolve into chaos and disorder. The old ways are being destroyed, and she must realise status and power can no longer win her what she desires.

From Chapter 2
Jaira waited outside the crypt until it was sealed. The several members of her family who had been enlisted to carry the body glanced at her, pausing and frowning before hurrying away up the hill again towards the house. Jaira then looked to the stone sculptures that were stationed at small intervals around the crypt and her eyes fell upon the newest one. It was carved from a dark grey stone, and was the figure of a man carrying a book and quill in one hand and a short sword in the other. His face was upturned to the heavens and his face so finely carved she was sure it was a stone cast, and her brother had been cased within. Jaira glanced up at the other similar graves, but noticed how this one was different. The other statues all presented a likeness of the person they represented, but Soren’s had been carved in an unfamiliar style. A churchlike style. [/i]


Excerpt from chapter 4
“No. I met Edaru at the party after Soren’s funeral.”
“Ah. I see how this could make you unhappy. Poor Soren, it’s so terrible what happened.”
“Has Damien told you…of course, you were there yesterday. I still don’t know what to believe.”
“What do you mean? It is the truth. Dendra, he gave Damien the writ; thought he should know the truth.”
“No, I believe that it is real. I just…I don’t know why,” she glanced at him. “Why would my father want him dead? They never really saw eye to eye, but they were never at each other’s throats either. I don’t understand.”
“I do. He is trying to destroy us.”
“Us? Not elves?”
“No,” he smiled slightly, raising his hand. He waved it in front of her, and then pointed at the pond. For a few moments nothing happened except for the slight rippling of the water in the subtle wind, and Jaira wondered if Kaegan was just a little weird. Then the edge began to shimmer and slowly a wisp of white smoke drifted its way across the water, turning it to ice as it passed. Jaira watched, both in awe and fear. She had been taught magic was a bad thing, and as beautiful as it often was, she was unsure what to think of it. She had never met anyone bad who could use it.


As for first lines, this is one I like. "Raken...Raken open your eyes. Do not worry, you are dead." :D

[Fimbrethil]

Naw, picture it more like Corillea. I was getting more descrpitive and giving more background info after the excrept I gave you guys. Elf master your story sounds really interesting but I don't know whether to put the characters in ME or in Earth today. It sounds kind of inbetween the two.

The quote from chapter 2 imediatly made me think ancient eygpt but then as I read on I wasn't sure what to think.

The qoute from chapter 4 was my fav. I loved it.

[Finrod Felagund]

Relentlessly, like a shadow, he slipped through the night...

[Tanoliel]

Originally posted by Elfmaster XK

As for first lines, this is one I like. "Raken...Raken open your eyes. Do not worry, you are dead." :D

That's wonderful....what's it from? Can I read it? :D

ExK, are those excepts from the one you're writing with EG? If not, can I read both that and the one with EG? :)

T

[Arat-Falathion]

"Raken...Raken open your eyes. Do not worry, you are dead."

Damn you XK! I could hardly sleep this night after reading that line! Please say it is from a novel already released! It leaves so many possibilities... perfect first line!

[M. Brandsdal]

wow, what a first line.. damn, I just wish I could write something like that.. ;)

Is this from a novel or something? Title?

[Elfmaster XK]

Originally posted by Fimbrethil
Naw, picture it more like Corillea. I was getting more descrpitive and giving more background info after the excrept I gave you guys. Elf master your story sounds really interesting but I don't know whether to put the characters in ME or in Earth today. It sounds kind of inbetween the two.

The quote from chapter 2 imediatly made me think ancient eygpt but then as I read on I wasn't sure what to think.

The qoute from chapter 4 was my fav. I loved it.


Ahh, Corellia. Gotcha. ;) It was just the bargaining made me immediately think of Watto at Tatooine. :D

My story is set in a fictional world of my own. You didn't get that because I did't quote chapter one. I don't like chapter one yet, am still editing so didn't quote it. Am glad you liked them, even if they confuse a little. :D

ExK, are those excepts from the one you're writing with EG? If not, can I read both that and the one with EG?

T

No, they are from a story I'm writing alone. You may read this also, but not just yet. I have to get a little happier with their state before I let anyone see whole chapters.

Tano
That's wonderful....what's it from? Can I read it?

Arat
Damn you XK! I could hardly sleep this night after reading that line! Please say it is from a novel already released! It leaves so many possibilities... perfect first line!

wow, what a first line.. damn, I just wish I could write something like that..

Is this from a novel or something? Title?

:D Sorry guys. It's mine. My other novel, Soul Seeker. I almost wish it wasn't now because then I'd be able to recommend a good book.

:rolleyes:

[Earniel]

Originally posted by Elfmaster XK
:D Sorry guys. It's mine. My other novel, Soul Seeker. I almost wish it wasn't now because then I'd be able to recommend a good book.

Well, at least now you've got some people very interested and wanting to know how it would continue.:)

[Elenka]

"The Dreamer pauses in her work, squinting as she reads the fine print at the back of her mind. Eyes going glassy, she reads the tiny letters, silently mouthing the words."

This is the beginning of a really short story I wrote spur-of-the-moment about a week ago. Like it?

[Tanoliel]

Oooh, yes, Elenka--can I read it? Will you email it to me?

ExK...let me know when you've got some more of Soul Seeker that I can read, eh? Please? :D

Tano

[Earniel]

Tano, I'm starting to think you're making a little entmoot anthology of your own. :p Everywhere I look I see you asking people for their stories. :)

[Tanoliel]

Well, who's to say I won't bug them to enter their stories at the anthology? :D I'm just doing some door-to-door campaigning here...;)

Tano

[Arat-Falathion]

XK! You have a novel on your hands with good potential in the first line there then! Hope the plotting of the novel and the story is likewise as interesting and mysterious :D

Let us know if you finish it and get it published!

Elenka: Why not post you little story on the Writers workshop?

[M. Brandsdal]

Elenka could you post that shortstory in the forum please? I would love to read it.. :)

[Earniel]

Originally posted by Tanoliel
Well, who's to say I won't bug them to enter their stories at the anthology? :D I'm just doing some door-to-door campaigning here...;)

:D

We'll have an anthology the size of an encyclopedia with all those stories then. :D

[Elenka]

Yess! Replies. I should warn you that it's short and potentially creepy or boring.

**********************

The Dreamer

The Dreamer pauses in her work, squinting as she reads the fine print at the back of her mind. Eyes going glassy, she reads the tiny letters, silently mouthing the words.
Suddenly, her eyes lose their glazed look and the Dreamer snaps to attention. Her hands twitch, then settle into a smooth, steady rhythm of signs and gestures. A mix of different languages rolls off her tongue as she mutters under her breath. Her entire appearance is oddly businesslike.
The muttering ceases. The Dreamer begins to pace, arms swinging at her side, feet pointing straight ahead as she marches. Her back is straight, shoulders square, chin held firmly high. Her eyes are closed.
She walks purposefully around the perimeter of the room. Her shadow, cast on the empty white walls, copies her movement. But then, without warning, the Dreamer stops stock-still.
Her shadow, caught by surprise, does not stop in time. It hastily retreats, slipping away down the wall. The Dreamer spins around, taking in the shadow, huddled in a murky puddle on the floor, to the cluttered desk squatting with an eerie grin in the center of the room.
With a cry she turns and runs, sometimes bumping into the walls, sometimes falling to the floor, but always running at a frenzied speed. Her eyelids flutter. She hits a wall and stumbles, collapsing into a corner. She curls, protecting herself from the featureless room. As the darkness closes in around her, the Dreamer turns her face to the wall.

[Tanoliel]

Whoo, creepy. :) Nice writing, Lenka...it's a very ncie small thing on its own but has a lot of potential to develop into something bigger...I like the shadow being more of a separate entity...very cool.
Tano

[Elenka]

Feel free to use any or all of it. I'd love to make it bigger but don't have the time nor the incentive. I've got about eight pieces I'm working with and can't keep them all. :( :) :rolleyes:

[Tanoliel]

Why would I use it? No, no, no--I'm trying to get you to expand it! Or not. It's good on its own. Will you post it at the entmoot anthology? (See my sig)

[Elenka]

But I don't want to expand it -- I've done all I can do. Make good use of it, any and all of you, and just give me a little credit. Please?

[Katt_knome_hobbit]

Silently, she crept in through the window. The sun shining on the back of her head made her look like an angel. She landed with a fwumph on the piles of magazines and half eaten pizzas.
"How can you live like this?" she said to the mass of bed clothes in the middle of the room.
"Bugger off," said the heap. It was unknown if the voice came from the sleeping man inside it, or the actuall creature that was the mass.
"I mean really," said the girl. "You don't even LIKE anchovies!"
"Bloody Conscience comming in at all hours and telling me how to run my life."
Conscience smirked. "Well someone has got to," she said, and crawled back out the window."


Dya like it? It's the beginning of a book I'm writing.

[Tanoliel]

Hee hee...good thing I don't have that problem. :D

Tano