Ice Village

[Tessar]

Ok I only have one chapter done... But I hope you like it! At the bottom of the page is a (small) glossary.


Chapter One: Danlor Avindar



A golden sun hung above the tall mountains of Erathor, bathing them in light and causing them to cast long dark shadows over the valley below them. Snow was piled high atop their peaks and covered both their bases and the valley below. A strong wind often howled through that valley, like the wolves that hunted down any thing that was edible.

Danlor’s san’dar raised white clouds of steam with its breath, panting from the long run it had just made and stamping in the white snow, flexing its claws and shaking its head in annoyance at the cold. San’dar were much more suted to the mild climates of the land further south.

“I know, I don’t like it much either.” Danlor comforted his mount with a pat on its well-muscled side and scanned the surrounding area. He was on the slope of one of the mountains; about halfway down to Ice Valley and Ice Town, what little comfort that provided was almost as fleeting as the mist that his breath made.

It was a majestic view though, the little Town was covered in snow like some great icing covered confection in the shape of a village, surrounded by a sparkling wall of ice that seemed to glow with a trapped power, clearly a magic barrier as no town would be foolish enough to simply have normal ice in a place like this. The beasts were much too wild here for that.

“We’ll reach it tonight after you’ve had a bit of a rest.” Danlor said quietly and patted his reptilian mount, sliding down from the San’dar and awkwardly pulling a leather backpack out from under his plain cloak of forest green wool. Who ever made the backpack had clearly never intended it for a human as the arm straps were too tight and the buckle was small enough to give Danlor’s cold-numbed fingers more than a little trouble.

The thick hood of Danlor’s cloak slipped off to revel his face. Danlor’s skin always looked slightly tanned and his brown hair was always a little mussed these days. His eyes were shielded by long, thick lashes and were a pale blue, much like the wall of ice that surrounded the town, both in color and in that they seemed to hold a trapped power, although in his eyes it was no mere trick of the light. At 5’7 he was shorter than most, and his frame wasn’t very awe-inspiring. Lean and short, something that had often annoyed him when he was a boy.

After several minuets of trying to open the pack, Danlor dropped it with a sigh and fixed his hood, staring at the backpack and wandering what evil twist of fate had caused him to pick up the wrong kind from that little shop off the borders of Greenwood Forest. The owner had assured him that it would fit anyone, and as Danlor had been in a rush he had simply nodded, and paid for it as quickly as he could before stuffing all his things in it and taking off. Blasted storeowners.

With a determined frown on his face, Danlor drew his ebony handled dagger, and advanced on the backpack with the dagger held tightly in a backhanded grip. No mere backpack was going to deny Danlor his supper after what he had been through. And no mere buckle was going to stop him from getting at the things inside of that backpack. Come to think of it, no simple bit of leather was going to stop him!

An evil grin appeared on Danlor’s face, and if the backpack had been alive, it would have run. As it was the backpack was not alive, currently anyways, and so Danlor descended on it and triumphantly slashed the holding strap with his dagger… Only to have the blade leave a slight mark on the tough old leather. Danlor could have cried, except that now he was really angry. Stupid worthless bit of hide, he would show it.

Only five minutes later, Danlor sat warming his hands in front of a small but cheerful fire and slowly tossed the scraps of the former backpack into the flame while chewing on a slightly hard, and very cold, piece of cheese.

[Tessar]

When the last scrap had been thrown on and began to curl up, Danlor leaned back against a rock and sighed. He must really be getting desperate if tearing a backpack to shreds brought him that much joy. The trip from Camin, the capital city of Rothmog, had been long and slow with little to see or do. Almost two and a half months had passed since his setting out, and it would likely be another three or four before he could return to Camin; not that Danlor really ever enjoyed being in Camin, there were far too many politicians running around for his liking.

Danlor would much rather have been in Camin than at such a cold and fierce place as Erathor was though. The reason he had been sent here was because of rumor that the town in this valley was under attack, although why anyone would lead an attack against a pitiful place like this was puzzling to every one. It didn’t look to be under attack from what Danlor could see though, and if it weren’t then he would be both annoyed and relieved.

Danlor didn’t wish to fight, his job was supposed to be to run around and make sure that everyone was following the law, whatever the laws were in the places he went to. He was completely neutral, negotiating for no one and helping in no wars. Danlor simply learned the laws of places and helped enforce them. Normally his just being in a place helped settle any problems, but occasionally he had been forced to resort to violence.

Idly pondering who really would attack a place like this, Danlor scanned his surroundings again with a frown. Some thing seemed wrong about this place, but he couldn’t put his finger on it. Oh the mountains were lovely, and the snow and the ice were all very normal seeming, but there was a feeling in the frosty air that he only noticed now because he had a little time to focus on it. And Danlor did focus on it; letting his eyes drift half shut, Danlor reached out to the surrounding area and tried to find what was wrong.

A gust tugged at Danlor’s cloak and nearly put out his fire, a whispering wind that felt of burning wood and death. Not from the town though. Danlor turned his mind east to the mountain ranges but still found nothing. The feeling of wrongness was vague, so small that Danlor was surprised he had even felt it at all, but it was there, and in his mind as well, although every time he found it, something seemed to tug it from his grasp, pulling it out of his sight so that he could not analyze it.

It was nothing that would show its self, Danlor finally decided, and wished for a moment that he had brought an Earth Friend with him; they would have been able to get answers for him from the ground its self and he doubted that it could have hid from one of them. ‘If wishes were orcs we would all be dead’ Danlor reminded himself and had to smile for a moment. He had heard that from a rather grizzled old fighter who had said it in such a serious way that Danlor had burst out laughing and gotten himself in trouble.

Still smiling at the thought of how he had narrowly avoided punishment for that little mishap, Danlor stood and wiped snow off his cloak before pushing the hood back and letting the frosty nip of the air strike him full on, waking him up a bit and helping him think more clearly. A toss of his head and running a quick hand through his hair only made his curly bangs more tousled looking, and got snow in his hair.

A glance at the sun showed that it was fast moving down behind the peaks of the mountains, like a red ball of fire catching the mountains aflame and the sky with them. Purple and the fire red of the sun were beginning to wash across the pre-dusk sky and made Danlor realize that he would have to set out again soon as there was only an hour or so of light left, if that.

“Well I’m not planning to sleep in the snow again.” Danlor stated firmly while he began gathering his few belongings from the snow where they had been scattered and left. It was lucky that he only had some bread, meat, and cheese left or else he wouldn’t have been able to get it all into his various pockets without looking quite undignified and lumpy. Or like a person who murdered his backpack.

Danlor chuckled at the thought and kicked snow over the fire and blackened leather. A gleam of silver caught his eye and Danlor turned his head to see the buckle, laying in the snow and clearly taunting him. With another chuckle, Danlor bent and scooped the buckle up, pausing to attach it to his belt with a bit of string like he might do with some war trophy. Or perhaps a weapon? Danlor and the silver buckle of… Despair. Yes, all who looked upon it and tried to unfasten it would fall into despair and become backpack killers.

[Tessar]

Danlor’s laugh was loud and clear, a sharp peal in the silent air that made him wish he had been silent. Every muscle stiffened to spring into action, Danlor tossed back the sides of his cloak for better ease of motion and looked around for a few moments, hardly daring to breath in the sudden return of silence. But nothing happened. Or perhaps nothing had happened yet. Still it would be far better to move quickly and much more silently now.

It took Danlor a moment to find his San’dar. The animal had decided to go a little ways further down the mountain while Danlor was eating and had found a nice spot to sunbath. It didn’t want to leave its little spot of sun and snapped testily at Danlor and growled several times before it would stand and calm down. Then he had to take the saddle off and refasten each of the buckles in turn while the San’dar danced and wiggled about like a puppy that wanted to chase its first rabbit. Danlor finally got the San’dar’s saddle back on and he mounted it with a quick hop, barely settling into the saddle before he clicked his tongue and nudged it with his knees. A sudden chill up his spine and a warning tingle in the back of his mind almost caused Danlor to panic, and he gave the recalcitrant animal a sharp kick.

“Run you blasted animal!” He hissed through his teeth and kicked it again.

Then the San’dar moved, leaning back on it’s hind legs for a moment with its tail curled up and almost touching Danlor’s back, it sprang forward in a high and long leap that must have taken it six feet or more off the ground. Whatever was behind them wouldn’t catch them now that the San’dar was moving, especially now that it was moving downhill.

They landed with a thump, Danlor leaning back and the San’dar leaning forward to balance each other out. And then Danlor leaned forward again and grinned in exaltation as the wind of their speed stuck him in the face again. It wasn’t easy learning how to ride a San’dar. Not only were they temperamental, if they decided you weren’t a ‘helping weight’ in their run they would throw you off and probably gore you with their horn. That vicious nature was what made them such great battle mounts, and such terrible animals for almost anything else.

But Danlor had been lucky; he had begun learning how to ride San’dar when he was only 13. Of course horses and kaddar were the first things he had learned how to ride, but almost every boy could ride those before he could walk, and a kaddar could be ridden by anyone so long as the rider didn’t hurt them, although with their tough hide only the sharpest of attacks would even be registered by the peaceful animals.

The first San’dar Danlor had ridden must have been quite old, the poor animal only had two teeth left and its tail dragged on the ground more often than not. Even its crest had been rather limp as Danlor recalled. Nevala they had called her, which meant ‘Lost glory’ in some old language, although the stable master hadn’t quite been able to clarify which one so Danlor had heavy doubts on that subject.

Nevala had simply trotted around the dirt ring, patently putting up with Danlor while he learned the proper way to ride and how not to fall off when she jumped over objects, most of them big enough for her to simply step across, but she had dutifully hopped over them. She even managed to keep Danlor from falling off to often by twisting her neck so that he could push off and regain his balance.

Danlor’s current San’dar was nothing like Nevala though. If Danlor went down, this mount was more likely to step on him or bite him out of annoyance than to help him up in any way. No most San’dar were nothing like good old Nevala. Maybe she was still around, although it was unlikely. She had probably died years ago. How long since he had last seen her? It would have been when he was 20 and sent off on his first mission. So that would have been… Almost twenty-five years ago. Yes she was probably dead as most San’dar only lived around fifty years and she must have been at least 40 when he first rode her. Although the reason most died was from old battle wounds that simply troubled them so much that they couldn’t move around more than a little and they became so testy that no one could handle them any more.

[Tessar]

But Danlor didn’t have to worry about that from his mount for quite some time, the San’dar was only seven years old and just coming into it’s prime. It would probably still be a ‘battle ready mount’ for another twenty to twenty-three years. Not that Danlor had particularly wanted to use his San’dar for this journey. San’dar were hardly ever used for traveling this far because they were so much more suited for short distances and they could hardly ever keep a steady pace for more than a few hours. A kaddar on the other hand would have been much better.

Kaddar were not only peaceful animals, they also had great endurance; very great endurance. A kaddar could easily travel at a steady lope for two days without stopping for rest, and they never bucked a rider off or turned on them like San’dar would. However Danlor had been forced to leave his kaddar behind because it would have starved in the mountains with no green food to eat. Kaddar hardly ever ate meat, and if they did it was only a tiny bit as they absolutely had to have green plants and grass to graze on. San’dar were carnivores though and were often known to catch their own food, as they preferred it fresh and raw. Even the stray trainer or rider would be happily wolfed down by some of the more vicious ones.

Danlor shook his head and turned his thoughts back to his surroundings, it wasn’t wise to let his mind wander so much in this sort of place. A quick glance over his shoulder showed that whatever had been after them was long gone. Or at least not quite so eager for the kill as it had been.

Snow covered rocks rose up out of the white ground ahead and were left behind in a blur as the San’dar rushed down the slope and the town quickly got closer. But not quickly enough, Danlor would have to stop again to let his mount rest. Maybe even to rest for the night as he had been running it hard on and off all day. Danlor certainly had no wish to spend the night in this place though, whatever was behind them might still be following, and if the San’dar fussed as much as it had the night before Danlor doubted it would have the energy to do much running. San’dar rarely ran without taking a days rest between each day of running, which was partially why it had taken Danlor so long to reach Erathor.

They would keep going until the light grew too poor for the animal too see clearly where it was placing its feet, Danlor decided, slowed the San’dar down a bit; it was still a good half hour before sun down if Danlor didn’t miss his guess, and at the speed they had been going at they would have had to stop even sooner than that.

Far too quickly in Danlor’s mind, the vale of night covered the sky and brought darkness to the snow covered valley. The ice wall, so near and yet still so far away, no longer sparkled and could hardly even be seen. It shouldn’t be quite this dark, and the night shouldn’t have seemed so… Impenetrable. If it hadn’t been almost too ridiculous to even think about, Danlor would have said that the darkness was more like a fog than an actual lack of light. But that wasn’t very realistic, the sun had simply gone down and he wasn’t used to the extra darkness the mountains provided by blocking out the moon.

The moon… Where was it? It should have been a silver circle in the sky as it had been almost full just two nights ago… But two nights ago he had been outside the mountain range. However there should have been… Something. Some light or even a faint glow in the sky.

Danlor stopped the San’dar and leapt off its back, his eyes already roving across the darkness that surrounded them and pulling his sheathed sword out of the straps that held it on the San’dar’s saddle. Danlor didn’t draw his blade though.

It was a fine sword, well balanced and strong enough to block the most powerful strokes of any axe without taking a scratch if Danlor wielded it. Its pommel was lightly engraved to give it the look of an owl and the two hand guards were shaped like outspread wings, pointing down to the slightly curved blade. Simply holding it was enough, and Danlor wouldn’t draw it unless he felt the need. Something told him that he did not want to tarnish it on whatever hung in the night air.

Whatever hung in the night air. Danlor snorted and told himself that he was taking to fancies, there were very few things in the realm that could tarnish the steel of that blade, and when Danlor wielded it there was nothing that could do so. Some said that he was very good with his sword, and all who saw him use it agreed that he was worthy of it, but Danlor never bragged about his supposed skill. Bragging brought fights, eventually you had to loose, and you usually lost more than just the fight when that happened.

[Tessar]

For several moments Danlor remained still, simply holding the sheathed sword and listening to his surroundings. It was quiet, but not entirely so. The hollow whisper of the wind that now gently tugged against Danlor’s cloak was one; the sound of his and the San’dar’s breathing was another. And now a new sound: falling snow. But nothing stalking them, nothing deadly or vicious made a sound that Danlor could hear.

A shiver ran through Danlor, not of fear, but simply from the cold. Tugging his hood as far forward as it would go, Danlor attached his sword to his belt and began rummaging around for the left over meat. The san’dar hadn’t eaten all day except for the small fox it had caught an hour before they set out, it would surely be hungry again.

As soon as he found the meat, Danlor began searching around for the san’dar again. It really was dark, almost too dark for any normal night. He had to pause for a moment and listen for his san’dar again several times before he was able to feel his way over to it. Danlor ran his hand up it’s long neck till he found it’s mouth. Then, being very careful of his fingers, Danlor forced the meat into its mouth. It didn’t like eating cooked meat, and the tough jerky was certainly not its food of preference, but it was ravenously hungry and ate it anyways.

It took Danlor a while to get the san’dar’s saddle off, there were lots of straps that had to be undone and in the dark it was quite a task. San’dar saddles always had lots of straps; otherwise they simply slid off the animals back or came off in the middle of a jump. Finally the saddle slid to the ground and Danlor grabbed the reigns for the san’dar, tied them around his wrist, and lay down with his head on the saddle. He wasn’t afraid of being dragged, no san’dar would ever take off running with a heavy weight attached to it, and they never seemed to be startled by an attacker.

As his eyes drifted shut, Danlor could hear the animal moving about in the night and making a sound much like a sheep’s bleat. San’dar usually only made that sound if something seemed not right to them, either another animal that was too big for them to fight, or a feeling like there was tonight. Yes it was definitely back, that feeling that something was dead, or very nearly so. And, Danlor realized, he felt like he was being watched.

Opening his mind again, Danlor took a deep but quiet breath, and listened as hard as he could to take in everything. There again was the falling snow, the wind, the faint sound of his san’dar’s breathing along with the louder ones of its bleating, and now the pounding of his own heart. Was there something else? Maybe there was a faint crackling of snow that might indicate something sneaking up on them? Or the steady thrum of wings?

No, there was nothing else in the night. But there should have been. The blackness really did seem like a wall, encircling and pushing against Danlor. It even seemed to be pushing on his chest, forcing him to breath shallowly. Danlor tried to take a deep breath… And could not. The night was pressing in! The dark was more than simply a lack of light; it was a shadow that was almost solid, like a jelly trap for a fly. But now Danlor was the fly.

Drawing on his anger, his fear, and on something deeper still, Danlor yelled and pierced the night with his cry. Leaping to his feet as the darkness withdrew from around him for an instant, Danlor jumped on to the san’dar’s back and urged it forward, not even stopping to untie the reigns from around his wrist. The san’dar began running as fast as it ever had before, fleeing from the shadow that hung over the land as swiftly as it could. Even for a san’dar it was fast, sprinting at top speed towards where it could sense safety with great clods of snow flying up behind its heels as its feet dug deep into the snow with the power of its stride.

The shadow howled behind Danlor and screamed for him, but it would not hinder his forward movement yet, unsure of how he had pushed it away before and unsure whether it was safe to attack him again. But safe or not, the shadow solidified into human shape in two places, the two Shadow Men running faster than even the sprinting san’dar could.

With his mind focused, Danlor easily sensed the two Shadow Men behind him and knew that he would have to fight them as soon as they reached him; which would be very soon if they could keep moving that quickly and if the san’dar didn’t suddenly discover that it cold move even faster.

[Tessar]

“Killll.” The Shadows hissed in unison and leapt into the air, intending to come down on top of Danlor. But Danlor was too clever for that.

“Ash sheen mog!” Danlor cried in the tongue used for battle commands and pulled lightly on the san’dar’s reigns, tapping it with his left knee to signal its movement.

The san’dar stopped running suddenly and spun its body around in the blink of an eye, crouching down even as it still skidded backwards from the momentum of its former run. Almost impossibly quickly, it stopped going backwards and jumped forwards, it’s sharp ‘kreaa’ smashing through the silence even as it’s horn gored through the first Shadow Man and brought him crashing to the ground where the san’dar bared its long, sharp claws and began tearing into the being with it’s powerful back legs and weaker front legs, its tail lashing about above its head with the joy of battle.

But Danlor was not on the san’dar’s back anymore. Half way through the jump he pushed into a back flip and landed into a roll that placed a little space between him and the last Shadow Man.

And now Danlor drew his blade, almost reverently. He was not like some who simply saw battle as battle. To Danlor it was more like a thousand choices, all made so quickly no normal mind could keep up with them. And while he had no love for battle the way his mount did, Danlor knew when it was necessary and would never back down from it.

“You are too weak for me, Shadow. Go back to whatever enchanter summoned you from your dark pit and tell him that you are to be resealed and never released into the light of day. I command you shadow! Leave me!” Danlor’s voice range clear over the screaming of the blackness and the fierce sounds his san’dar was still making over the now hardly moving shadow body.

“Youuu aaaare no maaaatch for meee, Daaaahnlor Ahhhvindaaaar.” The Shadow Man hissed and crouched, ready to spring for Danlor again.

“I made a promise years ago, Shadow. I would never fight another being without warning them of my powers and giving them one last chance to run, and even for black sorcerer’s craft like yourself I hold to it.” Danlor’s voice rose in intensity, and although he was speaking no louder than before, his voice seemed to boom and echo strangely against the dark walls around him.

The cloak dropped from Danlor’s shoulders and a blue glow surrounded his body, the same ice blue of his eyes that startled so many. A blue cold enough for a place as this, and now the blue was unleashed in fury.

“I am indeed Danlor Avindar as you have named me. But that is not all of my name, for more than fifteen years ago I became Master Danlor Avindar, psionic of the lands of Rothmog, protector of all realms, and battle lord of the free lands. You will heed my words or die before my power!”
As the last of his words rang across the valley, the blue glow seemed to extend from Danlor’s body and race down his sword till it was a thing of light and not metal. A deadly and beautiful sword that no axe could break and no acid pit, because it held a part of Danlor’s powers now, and the glowing blade could slice through almost anything with ease. A powerful weapon, it was the blade of a psionic.

The shadow drew back from Danlor, fearing to touch that glowing aura and fearing even more the sword of blue light. True an enchanter or a wizard could have commanded the shadow, forced it back to where it came from and sealed it away forever; but Danlor could still harm it badly before it killed him, and such harm was to be avoided at all costs.

“Weee will be baaack.” The Shadow Man hissed, shielding his eyes from the light and melding back into the greater body of shadow.

Danlor’s san’dar gave a great keaa of anger as the shadow reclaimed what little power the mangled body beneath it held and flew away to the mountains, fleeing before Danlor’s power as he had fled before it.

The blue glow faded, shimmering faintly as a vague echo before it disappeared entirely from around Danlor’s body and from around his sword. The sword went back in its sheath, its mere presence preventing the need of its use, and Danlor sighed softly in relief that he had caused no violence with his power, or with his blade.

The san’dar was slightly more upset and it took Danlor more than an hour to settle the beast down. But Danlor was more than willing to take the time to settle it and to praise it for the way it had fought. Keeping whatever that Shadow Man had been on the ground couldn’t have been easy, especially because the san’dar was of mortal flesh and the Shadow had only assumed that shape to fight.

But now Danlor had nothing to fear from the shadow, for tonight anyways. It would not come back until it thought he was unwilling to fight it. Or until it thought he was helpless against its dark arts.

[Tessar]

Finally, the san’dar settled down, and Danlor bent to pick up his cloak. As he put it back on, it struck Danlor that he could see again. A quick look up proved that he had beenright, a full moon shone in the sky and many stars twinkled brightly around it in the familiar patterns that Danlor had grown used to seeing after so many nights out in the wild. Danlor’s chuckle caused fog to drift up into the sky from his mouth and Danlor gave a slight shiver from the cold, but he was alive and the shadow had retreated. Simple things like the moon and stars always seemed so much more beautiful at such times and gave him great pleasure to look at.

Lying back down again, Danlor allowed himself anther chuckle before he began drifting off. Life was funny some times, and it always seemed more than a little queer how happy it could make one to simply avoid a fight. And safety, that was something else to be happy about. One could never be too happy about safety, Danlor decided as his eyes drifted shut, sleep coming peacefully and quietly as the night returned to a somewhat normal state.

[Tessar]

Earth Friend:

Some one who can speak with the rocks, trees, earth, and water; gaining information on their surroundings and the creatures in it, though some say that they simply have good noses and hearing. Mostly only wood sprites and tree spirits have this ability, and among them everyone has it, while in humans the talent is much less common and usually only appears among forest dwellers.

Kaddar:

A very strong reptilian mount that stands on four legs. They have a long curved tail and a tall neck with strong jaws. They are mostly used as beasts of burden but are occasionally used for battle due to their thick hide and durability, but are not very vicious in general. They eat plants mostly but have been known to eat meat if nothing else is available. They are the preferred mounts of message carriers as they can travel at a steady lope for up to two days without stopping.

San’dar:

Reptilian beasts that stand on two powerful back legs with two small front arms protruding from their chest. They have a long and powerful tail that they often use in fights to lash out against their opponent and a slightly curved horn on their nose they use to gore, also their jaws are more than strong enough to crush armor. A brightly colored crest curls back over their head slightly and tends to change color a little depending on their mood. They are very dangerous animals and are often used as battle mounts or as racing animals due to their incredible sprinting speed and vicious fighting skills.

[Lief Erikson]

I've just finished reading it, and have enjoyed it as far as you've gotten :). One thing I'd like to point out is that occasionally, the transition between action and inaction isn't very good. Like that time when he was being chased by a creature after feeling the unright thing somewhere. He suddenly started thinking all about the different steeds it's possible to ride in the kingdom, and that seems highly illogical, considering. If you're going to have descriptions of those different things in the kingdom, it'd be best to try and do them after the scenes which have him encounter something bad, not during or instantly after.

I found the part where he was going after his backpack very, very amusing :D.

I liked your description of the first time he sensed something not right, and the shadow's first attack (I'm not counting the time when something was chasing him, because it didn't seem extremely serious) was well written and interesting. About the night becoming solid around him and closing in. That was good.

[Arat-Falathion]

Oh, this is rather long Tessar :D I'll have to print it out before I read it! :rolleyes: Heh, liked your start there!

- Me

[Arat-Falathion]

Alright! So I read through it now, and I must say that I enjoyed it bigtime! That is exactly the way I like a first chapter of a book to be. Introducing the main character in the middle of some small plot that involves him in emidiate danger and takes the reader into the story right away!

I did see some things in there that you may consider freshing up a bit though. Like the repeatance of a word.

With a determined frown on his face, Danlor drew his ebony handled dagger, and advanced on the backpack with the dagger held tightly in a backhanded grip. No mere backpack was going to deny Danlor his supper after what he had been through. And no mere buckle was going to stop him from getting at the things inside of that backpack. Come to think of it, no simple bit of leather was going to stop him!

In my opinion 1 to many of the backpack in there. The 2nd backpack should've been called something else to erase the feeling of repeating the same word over and over. Just merely calling it a pack or leatherpack or something in that league.

Another example:

The trip from Camin, the capital city of Rothmog, had been long and slow with little to see or do. Almost two and a half months had passed since his setting out, and it would likely be another three or four before he could return to Camin; not that Danlor really ever enjoyed being in Camin, there were far too many politicians running around for his liking. Danlor would much rather have been in Camin than at such a cold and fierce place as Erathor was though

Here Camin seems to be repeating a lot. Perhaps using the term capital city the second time it is mentioned, and the fourth time something different again like: region of Rothmog or something.

And I have to agree with Lief on the thinking of steeds part
;) :p although it didn't seem to bug me while reading...

I missed a little more description of the beasts as they were introduced though. I didn't have a clear imaginative view of the san'dar untill I read the description on the bottom, the same goes for the Kattar and the Earth Friend. I think especially the san'dar should get a better description in the text, as it is a very important "character" in that first chapter.

So, to the things I really liked:

Oh, got to love the backpack fight! A nice twist that gives the reader something to laugh at right from the start.

The second thing I liked was this:
“I made a promise years ago, Shadow. I would never fight another being without warning them of my powers and giving them one last chance to run, and even for black sorcerer’s craft like yourself I hold to it.” Danlor’s voice rose in intensity, and although he was speaking no louder than before, his voice seemed to boom and echo strangely against the dark walls around him.

The cloak dropped from Danlor’s shoulders and a blue glow surrounded his body, the same ice blue of his eyes that startled so many. A blue cold enough for a place as this, and now the blue was unleashed in fury.

“I am indeed Danlor Avindar as you have named me. But that is not all of my name, for more than fifteen years ago I became Master Danlor Avindar, psionic of the lands of Rothmog, protector of all realms, and battle lord of the free lands. You will heed my words or die before my power!”
As the last of his words rang across the valley, the blue glow seemed to extend from Danlor’s body and race down his sword till it was a thing of light and not metal. A deadly and beautiful sword that no axe could break and no acid pit, because it held a part of Danlor’s powers now, and the glowing blade could slice through almost anything with ease. A powerful weapon, it was the blade of a psionic.


Ahhh, that gave really chills down the back :D :D :D

I really hope you post the next chapter here as well Tess! I wouldn't miss it for the world! ;)

[Arat-Falathion]

Oh, and a few more things:

There are a few words that is misswritten, and a few sentences that seems wrongly structured to my norwegian english reading :p

Almost two and a half months had passed since his setting out...

since his setting out? Hmm... this doesn't sound right to me. I'd rather say Almost two and a half months had passed since he set out. Or is it my english that doesn't understand?
There were a few other such faults, but I am too lazy to dig them out right now :rolleyes: :p

and...

What is a psionic? :confused:

[Tessar]

Thanks for the C&C guys! :D


What is a psionic? Think, Jean Gray from the X-men. Basicaly it's some one who can talk to other people/move things with their mind.

[Arat-Falathion]

One who control things with the mind! Nice :D