Vampire Story

[Eruviel Greenleaf]

As some of you may know, seeing as it's about all I talk about, I've been working on a vampire story for quite some time. Now, it's far from being finished, but I'm interested in what people might have to say about it. I need feedback, that sort of thing. And what better place to ask for that than the 'moot? :)

However, this story is incredibly long. Bordering on about fifty pages, actually. So, I'm wondering if anyone would be willing to read it, or part of it, and give me feedback? I suppose I could attatch it here if people seem interested (once I find my floppy disks. . .that might prove a challenge. This being the problem with having just returned home for the summer from college...I can't find anything!) or email it, or whatever. So, anyone interested? Here's a brief synopsis, just so you have a vague idea of what I'm talking about...

here goes, and let's hope I don't get in trouble with the authorities for putting their secrets on the internet ;)...

Emma Kerrigan O'Brien was taken at a young age by a secret organization devoted to the disposal of all undead or otherwise harmful supernatural beings. The rest of the world does not know about their existance, nor the existance of the supernatural, and both the Demon Council and the Service, as they call themselves, wants to keep it this way.
So here is Emma, a young Slayer of about 25 years, and she hates her job. The Service wants to keep her because her Death Sense is strong, and she's good. However, the Demon Council--some of the only sort of real organization the Supernatural Beings have, but by now it's falling into corruption--wants her dead, because she keeps knocking off their best people. So, when she is sent to "dispose of" a particuarly powerful vampire who resides on an island off the coast of western Scotland (who, by the way, doesn't really like the Council), they arrange for it to be a big trap. However, upon her arrival there, Emma does not call for back up, and decides that even though the sitation is looking hopeless, she is going to give it her best and if she dies, so be it.
So, she goes in and the vampire eventually disarms her, but instead of killing her, he Turns her. So most of the story is about her adjusting to being a vampire, and her adventures therein.

Yeah, nice BRIEF synopsis, wasn't it? :rolleyes: Oh well. So, what do y'all think? :)

[Lief Erikson]

I think people will be willing to read it, if you post it in small pieces. That would prevent people from getting overwhelmed, as well as being helpful to you, for it would allow you to get feedback on each part of your story. That's basically what Ninquelote's doing with her story, and I've been reading it, even though I probably wouldn't have if it was in a block. In general, the shorter something is, the more manageable it seems to the reader. Also, you could draw out suspense and increase tension that way.

[Eruviel Greenleaf]

Good plan, thanks! Okay, I'll do that. Now I just need to go in search of my floppy disks. . .heh. . .this might prove a mighty challenge!

[Gwaimir Windgem]

Ugh, don't get me started on stories on floppy. :(

[Eruviel Greenleaf]

Finally, I'm ready to post something. It should be noted that I'm already planning on giving this a thorough re-write, but I just wanted to post something and get some more ideas:

___
Emma docked the boat and leapt out onto the dock, but there she stopped for a moment, and gathered her thoughts, taking in her surroundings. Above her loomed great cliffs, and at the top was the castle. Looking around, she saw a narrow stairway, cut roughly into the rock, leading up the cliff, presumably to the top. She wanted to rest, but she saw the gathering darkness behind her, and in front of her the greatest challenge she had ever faced. At least, that challenge was at the top of the cliff.
As much as she wanted to rest, she forced herself to grab her equipment from the boat and go on her way. The stuff was so heavy, and she was tired, so she sorted through it, trying to figure out what she would need. The water-gun was insanely heavy, especially going up those stairs. Had Brett been there, they would have taken it, but no, he had died. . .she left the ranged weapon in the boat. Even then, she knew it was foolish, but those stairs looked so long. . .that left it to the sword, the silver dagger, two stakes, and her garlic. She insisted to herself that it would be enough. And then she began to climb the stairs.
They seemed to go up forever, at least to her exhausted mind. Each step seemed to be like climbing a mountain. Every time she lifted her foot she felt the weariness try to drag her down. At what looked like halfway up, again against her better judgement, she stopped, and reached into her backpack. Luckily enough, there was an energy bar. She ate it quickly, and washed it down with the remaining water left in her Nalgene bottle before continuing on.
When she finally reached the top of the stair, she paused another moment to catch her breath and survey the situation. Again she wished Brett were there, if only so she could laugh at his perfectly polished shoes and sarcastic manner. But no, she was alone, and he was very dead. And as she thought this, she saw the last hint of the sun setting beyond the horizon, on the other side of the castle. That was it, then. It was dark--everything was set in favor for the especially barbaric vampire that dwelt in this castle. She closed her eyes for a moment, taking another deep breath to calm herself, and saw the image of Avery's severed head imprinted on the back of her eyelids. But no, she would not think of that. "Pull yourself together," she told herself out loud.
Facing the wall, Emma took a deep breath, and walked toward the wrought iron gates. Emma walked up to the gate, shivering. The descending darkness brought with it a cold wind. She held her coat close as she approached the massive structure. She pushed the gate open, almost surprised to find that it was unlocked. Beyond the gate was another, smaller double door, this one of wood, and a long, narrow passage ran between the outer wall and the inner. There was a small knothole in the door just barely big enough to see through. Peering through into a great courtyard, she saw a dark figure standing by the entrance to the actual castle. He was tall, and carried a large shield, with a nasty looking spike at the end. A targe. At his left shoulder, she could see the hilt of a large sword. Now how to sneak into the courtyard without being seen. . .he would know if she were to enter the courtyard, most likely. But as she watched, he turned and went through the door into the castle.
It's now or never, she told herself, and carefully pushed the door open. The courtyard within held a few trees--two large cherries, one near the gate and one near the door inside. A few younger trees, oaks by the look of them, were carefully planted in rows of three, one row on either side of the path up to the door. Emma let the door shut behind her, stepped behind the cherry tree, and reached for the silver dagger within her coat. And then she waited. She did not have to wait, long, though, for a moment later he had returned, still armed as before. He spoke. "You don't need to hide behind that tree. I know you're there." She did not step out from behind her cover, instead she just stood there, silent, praying. But she knew there was no hope in prayer, and anything that happened next would be entirely up to her, and her opponent.

[Eruviel Greenleaf]

(here's more)

"Don't make me come and find you now," he said, chiding. He sounded like he was talking to a young, disobedient child. "I know where you are, so don't bother. We aren't playing hide and seek, y'know."
Emma could not make herself move. She was terrified. Facing a young, weak vampire who had little or no knowledge of sword fighting was almost nothing, but a five-hundred year old vampire, one of the most powerful around, not to mention one greatly skilled in the art of warfare and sword fighting.
The vampire's words echoed strangely in the shadowy courtyard. "Will you not come out from behind that tree?"
Emma held perfectly still, having no idea what to do next. She was trapped. He was an expert at sword fighting and no matter how good she was, she was a mortal. But it was no use hiding. Cautiously, she stepped out from behind the statue. The vampire raised his sword and shield." He bowed politely, as if being introduced to her in a 17th century court. "Shall we fight?"
She threw the knife. It hit the shield, just left of center, and to the great surprise of both of them, the shield and the knife shattered.
____

There. I hope there's still people around willing to read it! I do need the feedback. This beginning part doesnt' need too much editing; the stuff I really need to work on comes later.

[Earniel]

I'm still here to read it. I'm just not good in giving proper feedback. :o

[Eruviel Greenleaf]

Yay, readers! Well, I'm sure you can give feedback! :) What did ya think? It's really one of the worst bits in the story right now...sounds way too prongy. Oh well, I'll fix it....I hope...

[Earniel]

Okay, then. :) Since English isn't my mothertongue I won't bother trying to give you comments about gammar and such, I'll only look at the contence. I like the story up to this point.

I'm also slightly reminded of the program Buffy the Vampire Slayer but I suppose that comes with a vampire story.

You didn't put an overly long discription of the surroundings and yet I can get a pretty good idea of the settings. The settings are very suitable, slightly gothic.

What I don't entirely get is: if she's a more or less experienced vampire slayer why would she go ill-equiped and tired to a fight with a skillful vampire? Does she has to fight now, can't she wait for another day till she's rested? Or does she really have a death wish? I know the basic idea is for her to lose but it's just a tiny weeny obvious that she will.

[Eruviel Greenleaf]

Hmm...thank you!!!
Perhaps I should have started with more backstory. But since I haven't written that part yet I'll just explain the events of the few months so that the story makes more sense. :)

But first...sounds like Buffy? eek! I have to fix that! Blech! ;)
Here's background:
Since she was twelve, she's been working with and trained alongside a guy with Death sense, who's a year older than her, named Brett Collins. The two of them used to get along really well, except for some squicky bits concerning the nature of their relationship, but for the most part they got along well and were (mostly) like brother and sister. Then Brett was assigned to Alaska, in the middle of winter, about three years before the time this bit of the story takes place. He had a really traumatic experience there and was the sole survivor of an attack from the Council--the supreme control for the demons/undead. He wasn't quite the same since, and that's when his relationship with Emma got kind of messed. He turned into a bit of an arse. Very sad. But deep down she still thinks of him as her best friend, and her brother.

But then, they both started questioning what they were doing. Was it really the right side? But this stayed in the background--they both had too much work to do.

Then, about a month before this, they were assigned to attack a major demonic gathering point that had only recently been discovered, due the Council's work at keeping it hidden. However, this place was the home of an ambient demonic type that messes with death sense, so you can't sense things properly. Emma and Brett were sent ahead to scout it out, then were supposed to call their back-up and go in. However, as far as they could tell, there were only one or two demons there. Against Emma's better judgement, at Brett's insistance, they went in without back-up, mostly because Brett wanted to show off to the Service director, Petersen, and also, because on their last mission the back-up got in the way.

So, they go in, they fight, there's a lot more there, Brett dies. Gruesomely. Nastily. Emma goes berserk and kills everyone.

The back-up comes in and finds her sitting in a corner whispering the ave maria over and over. It takes her a few days to recover from the shock.

More stuff happens, she's sent on vacation for her mental health (they think she's insane because she tried to attack a vampire, who told her "tomorrow will be better" and left, carrying a bag of apples. They didn't believe the report. Bats just aren't supposed to do that. According to the Service, they aren't people.)

Then the Service HQ gets a package from Scotland: a team of Servies had been sent to Rathmoren, where Emma is at the point in the story that I posted, and the Service gets one of the "slayer"
s head in a basket. Ouch.

So, Emma's sent to kill this very old vampire, Raef McCain. She's instructed to go as far as Oban alone, then call the back-up and head in together. I still need to fix the bit about the weapons, but the cell phone goes dead when she's calling the back-up, and instead of trying to contact HQ, or the back-up, using something else, she decides to go in alone. Why?

Good question.

She doesn't care. At this point, her whole life, which she was beginning to doubt the point of, has fallen entirely apart.
She doesn't know if what she's doing is right. She's lost her faith in god. Her partner is dead. Her boss is being an arse. She's beginning to realize the people she's been killing are not necessarily evil, mindless monsters who are a serious threat to humankind.

She does not necessarily want to die at this point. More like, she doesn't care the outcome of the fight.

Now, what I want to be able to do is to convey all of that through my writing, without outright explaining it. Any help/suggestions on this would be GREATLY appreciated. :D

And thanks for reading it, Earniel!

[Earniel]

Originally posted by Eruviel Greenleaf
But first...sounds like Buffy? eek! I have to fix that! Blech! ;)

First I never said it sounded like Buffy, :D I said I was reminded of Buffy. Is definate difference. I never saw any vampiremovie nor read vampirebooks, I haven't even read Dracula yet. (It's all not really my genre) Buffy is the only thing I ever saw that had vampires in it. And here you have a girl that 'slays' vampires. How can I not be reminded of that particular program? ;)

The background definately explains her motives better for going up to the cliff in the state she's in. Putting in the phone that went dead when she tried to call for back-up would be a good idea. The way it's now it seems as she is used to tackle vampires on her own.

At the moment I can't come up with a way to convey all that in the story without outright saying it. I'm afraid you'll need advice from a more subtle and experienced writer than me.

[Eruviel Greenleaf]

Heh. Buffy is very silly. And I didn't really think you thought it sounded like Buffy...the girl killing vampire things...similar premise in that respect, but I think they're very very different. For one, Emma is clad in practical and non-revealing clothes for the entirety ;) (well, goverment issue stuff generally doesn't mean low-cut frilly tops...)

Good, I'm glad my drawn-out explanation helped :)

As for conveying all that, I think I got most of it down. First, all the actual events, well, that's easy, I just write them! It's the sense of despair, hopelessness and apathy that I'm having trouble with. Anyone else have suggestions?

And Earniel, thanks for reading and the feedback! Shall I post more? It needs a bit of editing and writing, but all the exciting stuff is yet to come! :D

[Earniel]

I'd say bring it on girl! :) I'd love to read the next part, if you've written it already, that is. Wouldn't want to rush you. I have lots of time, I can wait.

[Eruviel Greenleaf]

I'll look over the next bit and see if it's even worthy of posting at this point ;)