Short Essays

[Lalaith]

Hey!
Thought this would be a great idea if any of you would like to post short essays, summaries or whatever. But it should not be too lond (approx. 300 words).

I'll start then. It's an essay about my role models.
It's for school and we need about 200 words. I hope there are no mistakes. Tell me what you think. Please

My role model

I have to say that I don't have one special role model. It's more a combination of four or five persons. Usually I admire a part of a personality, which is the special thing of this very person.
First I adore Darren Hayes. You might not know him, but he once was the singer of the band Savage Garden. He is a role model of mine because of his gorgeous voice but even more because of his touching lyrics. He just writes and sings what I feel and think. It's amazing. And he does also charity work. I think that's a good thing to do for a celebrity.
Talking of charity brings me to my next role model. Mother Theresa. She was such an angel and gave up here live in order to help other people, that's awesome.
The third person I want to mention is – how could it not be that way – Albert Einstein. Maybe not himself but he as a stereotype for smart people. I admire such genius minds like he was one. It has to be such a great gift and not only did he have this gift, he used it in order to do something good. There are so many talented people in the world who just don't care about their talent or misuse it, that I'm glad to have a role model like Einstein.
Another absolutely gorgeous person is J.R.R. Tolkien. He writes in a way I never could and his words are so inspiring and just like poems. He has the gift of writing and I adore him so much.
Last but not least I have to say that I really adore these amazing human beings, but there are many other people in the world who are my role models and who deserve to be admired.

[IronParrot]

300 words? Guess my 3900w IB Extended Essay on good and evil in LOTR is right out of the question... :p

Anyway, good work, Lalaith. There are a few sentences that sound idiomatically awkward, but they aren't outright wrong.

Now, I'm not sure what your requirements are, and I think you handled the question well, but within 200-300 words, I'd probably pick fewer than four or five people. That lends itself to a better sense of focus, and you can go into more detail, and the structure seems a bit more rounded. But the way you did it is fine.

[Lalaith]

Thanks Iron Parrot.
The essay is for our test on wednesday and therefore I started to write one just to get an idea what to write.
Could you tell me about the idiomatically wrong sounding things? I would be very pleased.
The reason why I chose so many people to write of is, that I don't need to explain more. My english test essays are usally a little shallow. That's the easiest way to prevent mistakes.

[markedel]

Wow 300 words! I'd hate to have to write such things. It's hard enough writing an 800 word essay.

[IronParrot]

Okay, I'm going to go into a bit more detail:
"It's more a combination of four or five persons."
You have to be careful with when you use "persons" and when you use "people" as a plural. Here, "people" would be more appropriate. Unfortunately, there really isn't a system or guideline for which one you use and when - it just comes with practice.
"Usually I admire a part of a personality, which is the special thing of this very person."
Be careful - remember, you just said in the sentence before that you are talking about four or five people.
"She was such an angel and gave up here live in order to help other people, that's awesome."
That's just a small mistake - I know you meant "her life". I understand what you mean when you say that she "gave up her life", but usually, when people say that, they mean that somebody actually died because of what she did. I think Mother Teresa died of old age, and not because of her charitable and self-sacrificial work in Calcutta. But that's a very minor point.
"The third person I want to mention is – how could it not be that way – Albert Einstein."
"How could it not be that way" - another phrase where I know what you want to say, but it sounds a little awkward. Sometimes even something shorter like "The third person I want to mention is - who else - Albert Einstein." still communicates what you intend.
"Maybe not himself but he as a stereotype for smart people."
I think it should be "him as a stereotype for smart people," but now that you bring it up, I'm not really sure. Also, be careful how you use "himself" there, because for a moment I was confused. I'd suggest something like "him specifically", because that's what I'm sure you mean.
"Another absolutely gorgeous person is J.R.R. Tolkien."
Careful with "gorgeous". Tolkien was a beautiful person, yes, but usually "gorgeous" means physical beauty, unless you are very clear that you mean otherwise.

These are all minor points, as you can see. You can probably get away with a very good grade on your exam just with the way you already write, but hopefully, my advice will help you improve your English writing on a personal level.

[Jonathan]

All of my essays are well over 800 words. I guess I can't post them here, then. But I'm not sure if I would even if I could, I'm ashamed of my bad grammar :)

[IronParrot]

Well if you never let other people correct it, you'll never improve, right? ;)

[Jonathan]

My essays have been corrected in school, but the versions I have on my computer still have errors in them :)

[Lalaith]

Thank you IronParrot, that you took the time to help me.

"She was such an angel and gave up here live in order to help other people, that's awesome."

Could I use something like privacy there?

And Jonathan. I don't like these short essays neither. I start writing and after three sentences I've reached the 200 words. When we had to write an essay about the war in Iraq (in german) we had to write 500 words. I wrote 1500 words. I just couldn't stop.

[IronParrot]

I'm not sure about "privacy". That would imply that she'd rather be left alone, except she wants to help those people more. Gave up personal interests, maybe?

[markedel]

It's much more difficult to write a short essay then a long one.

[Hasty Ent]

Originally posted by Lalaith
Thank you IronParrot, that you took the time to help me.

"She was such an angel and gave up here live in order to help other people, that's awesome."

Could I use something like privacy there?



Perhaps you mean she dedicated her life to helping other people?

Or devoted her life?

[Gwaimir Windgem]

You know, I could make some naughty remarks about that (re: Tolkien), but I'll be good. ;)

[Lalaith]

I think I'll write dedicated. I was thinking about that too. Thanks.