Vampire Poetry

[Ianua]

I attempted to write this in a classical-ish style, but feel it needs some constructive criticism......here goes....

Creatures of the Night

Deep within that alleyway,
A lamp held by a figure,
A black cloak bound that spindly frame,
Those limbs devoid of vigor,
T'was not her face that drew him closer,
Nor the tangle of her hair,
T'was the wisdom in her eyes,
That had his heart ensnared.

He crept towards the spidery form,
She turned to meet his gaze,
"Welcome, my young traveler",
His vision turned to haze.
"Tell me for I wish to know,
The secrets of your kin".
He spoke in a voice that shook with nerves,
But she drew him closer in.

"Now that you come towards me child,
You know what I desire",
Just one word from her icy lips,
set his nerves on fire.
"Then take my life from my veins, mistress,
I care not for the light,
I prefer the moonlight gloom,
And shadows of the night"

One fanged kiss from frozen lips,
And his smile fell apart,
He felt darkness settle in his mind,
And ice within his heart,
He was one like her now,
Pale and wretched to look upon,
But none saw him in the darkest nights,
When all the lights were gone

United in the shadows,
He pressed his lips to hers,
And that one kiss, expressed him better,
Than any poet's verse.
That passion 'neath star-studded skies,
Bound the pair together,
And now they walk the shadows, smiling,
United now forever"

[Gwaimir Windgem]

Beautiful! :) Absolutely a beautiful poem. And a really cool subject, too! :D

Can't really see anything to criticise. :)

[Lief Erikson]

That was a really great poem :D. I greatly enjoyed it. Like Gwaimir, I can't think of any criticisms, though. Perhaps Ironparrot could.

I like the meter and how you keep the rhythme together, in particular. That's because in my poems, that's where I fall short most often.

[Agalayth]

That was awesome Ianua! Good work!

[Ninquelote]

It's in a ballad rhyme and meter sceme, so let me assume it's balladlike and say that ballads are written in stanzas of four lines, not eight.

Other than that, it's very good. Also there are alot of commas. Poems don't need punctuation at the end of a line.

I like the description, it kind of reminds me of my vampire character part, save for the everlasting devotion bit. :D

[Gwaimir Windgem]

Many poems (including a bunch of classics) that I have seen do indeed have punctuation at the end of every line. :)

[Entlover]

Very evocative of mood and atmosphere.


Merely a suggestion -- how would this sound:

That passion beneath starlit skies
Bound the pair together,
Since then they walk the night in bliss,
United now forever.

(I know bliss is not the right word, though)

[Coney]

Originally posted by Gwaimir Windgem
Many poems (including a bunch of classics) that I have seen do indeed have punctuation at the end of every line. :)

The debate on to punctuate, or not, is still open amongst literature scolars :/

Nice poem Ianua :) The Wamphyri is a great subject matter is it not?

I'm not gonna critique it, mostly 'cos I've had to study a lot of peoms recently and my opinions would prolly be too severe .... enjoyed reading it tho'.........very atmospheric :)

I have to say that my favourite vamp poem has to be Neil Gaimans "15 Painted Cards (A Vampire's Tarot)"

[Ninquelote]

Originally posted by Gwaimir Windgem
Many poems (including a bunch of classics) that I have seen do indeed have punctuation at the end of every line. :)

Yes, Gwaimir, but I didn't say that they don't have puctuation. I just said they didn't need it, if they're having trouble or whatnought with it.

[Lalaith_Elf]

that's brilliant!!!!!!!!:D i love vampire stuff.... takes me right back to 'Interview with a Vampire':)
feel free to share more:D

[Eruviel Greenleaf]

Originally posted by Coney

I have to say that my favourite vamp poem has to be Neil Gaimans "15 Painted Cards (A Vampire's Tarot)"

I love that one! Lovely, really! :D
Have you read his Vampire Sestina? It's in Smoke and Mirrors, an anthology of some of Gaiman's short stories. Also very good.

But to get back on subject...nice poem. Reminded me quite a bit of Interview with the Vampire. *choke* Sorry, that...Ann Rice bugs me...nothing about the poem. Um. *ahem*

[Coney]

Originally posted by Eruviel Greenleaf
I love that one! Lovely, really! :D
Have you read his Vampire Sestina? It's in Smoke and Mirrors, an anthology of some of Gaiman's short stories. Also very good.

Yup, I've got Smoke and Mirrors..............Vampire Sestina is really good :)

I wish Gaimen would concentrate more on Vampire tales :( ........ he seems to have a lot of empathy with the genre.

[Eruviel Greenleaf]

Yes, he should do more vampire stuff! That would brilliant! *takes to stalking Neil Gaiman in hopes of one day being able to talk to him about how he ought to write more about vampires*

Smoke and Mirrors is lovely. I've read all the stories at least three or four times, if not a lot more.

[TheEvilForceOfSuchandSuch]

I loved that!! Vampires are a favorite subject matter of mine....won't get into it as it would keep you all here all night and day if this were the real world. I can't think of anything to criticize at the moment, mind-numb I am, I suppose.