The Apostasy

[Gwaimir Windgem]

As I suspected, my other stuff is evidently too uninteresting for the average person, so here's some narrative. I love descriptive writing style, and just finished re-writing this piece. I'm going to be taking it to a writer's group next month, and would greatly appreciate all constructive criticism of any sort. :)

The walls of the room were made from alabaster of glittering white, like fresh snow under the sun. Pillars shaped from silver, marble, and gold stood tall, holding the weight of the engraven roof. Candles scattered throughout the room kept vigilance, flooding the room with their golden light. A row of carvings, images of divine beings, saints, and holy symbols graced the walls of the elegant chamber.

In the center of the room was a table. Shaped from the finest gold, it was embellished with lifelike carvings of angelic warriors as they soared through the heavens, their wings spread and their fiery swords aloft. The golden carvings were engraved with such detail that the celestial beings seemed ready to take to the air and ride the winds on their righteous campaign against the forces of evil. On the consecrated table was set a small, square chest, shaped from fine mahogany, the edges covered with ornamented bands of gold. A soft, white light emanated from the chest.

As the golden candlelight danced about the chamber, the far-off sound of a low chanting could be heard from beyond a silver door. At the same time, the sound of a chorus broke forth, singing a hymn of worship. The sound of the chanting grew nearer, pausing as the source came to the door. The chanting continued in front of the door while the song of the heavenly choir came to a climax, reaching the pinnacles of the mortal voice.

The song and the chant both began to grow quieter, dropping to a whisper as the door opened without a sound, revealing a brown-haired man of middling years, dressed in a robe of pure white. The hems of the robe were decorated with holy symbols and runes of silver and gold. The edges of a black under-robe contrasted with the beautiful white of his sleeves. On his forehead was a golden circlet, set with a gem of white. A kamelavkion of the same snowy-white as his robe crowned his head, holy praise scribed onto the veil. Around his neck was a silver chain that ended in a medallion of angel-wings, set with a great sapphire. A prayer shawl covered his shoulders and upper chest.

As the hymn grew greater in volume, he began chanting again, his long robe sweeping the floor as he ceremoniously approached the chest. When at last he stood in front of the box, both chant and song ceased suddenly.

Placing his hands on the sacred chest, he murmured a benediction in an ancient tongue, and then slowly, reverently lifted the chest into the air, the chorus breaking out again in the background.

The man turned, walking out of the chamber with the same formal stride as when he had entered, the chest held before him. He walked out of the door into a second chamber, much larger than the first, reaching a hundred feet in length, width, and height. The domed roof that towered above was made of gold, supported by twelve pillars of marble, formed with the greatest of skill, and adorned with the fairest of gems. In the center of the room was a great, golden altar.

Gathered around three sides of that altar was a gathering of priests, their hands folded and their heads bowed in reverence. They were the chief priests of many different lands and nations, gathered in unity for a sole purpose. They had come to hear the Holy Law of Eltarn; Eltarn, the Elder God; Eltarn, the Creator of Lisman; Eltarn, the Supreme Power of Good.

The brown-haired man took his place at the head of the altar, holding the ancient chest up high. He lowered it slowly, finally letting it rest on the purified altar. Chanting in an ancient tongue, he reverently lifted the lid of the chest. White light flowed from the opened chest, flooding every corner of the room. Inside the chest were several scrolls, the source from which the fair radiance emanated. The priest, for priest he was, reached his hand reverently into the chest, and pulled out the first of the scrolls.

The light emitted by the ancient parchment was so powerful that none but the ordained priests could make out the words, and they could only with difficulty. One sole man could read them with ease, as if they were black letters on white parchment, and that man was he who now held one of them in his hand; Fallos the High Priest of Eltarn.

Reverently he unrolled the scroll; raising his eyes to the priests gathered around him, he spoke, reciting the ritual words, his voice low. “Do ye come to hear the Law of Eltarn?”

The priests responded as one. “Yea, High Priest. We come to hear the Holy Law.”

Fallos spoke again, his voice ringing clear throughout the sanctum now. “As ye have come, now listen; for the Lawgiving is begun.”

[Elvellyn]

If it was before midnight here I'd be happy to comment on your story. But its not. So I'll do that tomorrow. Do svidonya!

[Gwaimir Windgem]

Do sveedanya! Dobree noch! :)

[Gwaimir Windgem]

I made a few changes as suggested by another person.

"table-like structure" was obviously too clumsy; I could have sworn I'd removed it.

"stopping directly in front of the door. The chanting continued in front of the door" was pretty repetitive, so I replaced it with "pausing as the source came to the door. The chanting continued in front of the door"

"Eltarn, the Father of the Gods" he suggested I change, and I made it "Eltarn, the Supreme Power of Good."

The first two I whole-heartedly agree with, but I'm not quite sure about the third. Any suggestions/comments on it would be appreciated.

Or any other part, for that matter. :p

[Gwaimir Windgem]

And just as a kind of aside, here is a floor plan for the first floor of the Temple of Eltarn.

[Lief Erikson]

It's really, really great as a descriptive writing piece/exercise. I really enjoyed reading it :). The description was fabulous, and how you painted the picture of what everything looked like. Getting across the holiness of Eltarn and of what was going on was also very affectively done.

One thing I did note was that your paragraphing isn't always correct. I mean, sometimes the paragraphs run into each other when their should be breakages. This part, for example.
On his forehead was a golden circlet, set with a gem of white. A kamelavkion of the same snowy-white as his robe crowned his head, holy praise scribed onto the veil. Around his neck was a silver chain that ended in a medallion of angel-wings, set with a great sapphire. A prayer shawl covered his shoulders and upper chest. As the hymn grew greater in volume, he began chanting again, his long robe sweeping the floor as he ceremoniously approached the chest. When at last he stood in front of the box, both chant and song ceased suddenly. Placing his hands on the sacred chest, he murmured a benediction in an ancient tongue, and then slowly, reverently lifted the chest into the air, the chorus breaking out again in the background. The man turned, walking out of the chamber with the same formal stride as when he had entered, the chest held before him. As he walked out of the door, a second chamber came into view, much larger than the first, reaching a hundred feet in length, width, and height. The domed roof that towered above was made of gold, supported by twelve pillars of marble, formed with the greatest of skill, and adorned with the fairest of gems.
It should have paragraph breaks included, rather than being run-on. I'm probably not at all perfect in grammar myself, but this is how I'd rearrange it:

On his forehead was a golden circlet, set with a gem of white. A kamelavkion of the same snowy-white as his robe crowned his head, holy praise scribed onto the veil. Around his neck was a silver chain that ended in a medallion of angel-wings, set with a great sapphire. A prayer shawl covered his shoulders and upper chest.

As the hymn grew greater in volume, he began chanting again, his long robe sweeping the floor as he ceremoniously approached the chest. When at last he stood in front of the box, both chant and song ceased suddenly.

Placing his hands on the sacred chest, he murmured a benediction in an ancient tongue, and then slowly, reverently lifted the chest into the air, the chorus breaking out again in the background.

The man turned, walking out of the chamber with the same formal stride as when he had entered, the chest held before him. As he walked out of the door, a second chamber came into view, much larger than the first, reaching a hundred feet in length, width, and height. The domed roof that towered above was made of gold, supported by twelve pillars of marble, formed with the greatest of skill, and adorned with the fairest of gems.
Also one thing you might want to note in that last paragraph is that you use the word "walked" twice in a row, in one sentence right after the other. You might want to use a different word in one of those instances.

There might be paragraph errors in other parts of the draft too; I'm not reviewing it all at this point. Whenever the subject changes, like from description of something to an action being taken, that's when you want to break the flow and make a paragraph switch. That's why when people are conversing, they always speak on different paragraphs.

[Gwaimir Windgem]

Thanks much for your support and the constructive criticism. You're quite right, I'm not sure how the paragraphs slipped by me...will edit. :)

[Agalayth]

Now that is good writing! Great work GW! :) :)

[Gwaimir Windgem]

Thanks much, Agalayth. Glad you like it. :)

[Entlover]

Very nice writing. A little long if you are writing an adventure/fantasy tale, and want to get to the plot -- but maybe that's just my preference.
The only criticism I have would be that the point of view is not totally clear. When you say, "As he walked out of the door, a second chamber came into view-" you must be seeing it from his point of view. But when you begin, he is not in the room at all and the viewpoint is omniscient. You might say something like, " he walked out of the door into a second chamber." It's important to be very clear on whose point of view you're taking.

Keep up the good work.

[Gwaimir Windgem]

Thanks for the advice, will edit it. :)

[Gwaimir Windgem]

Anyone else? :)

[Lief Erikson]

I've got one question. Not a comment, just a question. Is this a part of your book, or planned to be a part of it? Or is it only done for description practice, like a short story taking place in your world?

[Gwaimir Windgem]

It's the beginning scene of a book. The book is the first in the Scrolls of Law Trilogy, but I've probably already told you about it. ;) Don't worry, it's not all so verbose. :)

[Linaewen]

Originally posted by Elvellyn
If it was before midnight here I'd be happy to comment on your story. But its not. So I'll do that tomorrow. Do svidonya!

Hear, hear! (Yeah, Sacrilege- what are ya gonna do about it?!)

[Gwaimir Windgem]

Side note - a "kamelavkion" is the headpiece worn by Eastern priests. Here (http://www.crosslink.net/~hrycak/bishop_p.gif) is a picture: it's wot he's got on his noggin. ;) Obviously, this is a rather obscure word (I believe it took me c. an hour to find the term on Google), but I don't know a better-known version. :( Any suggestions regarding this would be greatly appreciated. :)

As, of course, are any other comments. :D

[Lief Erikson]

You actually never mentioned the Scrolls of Law Trilogy to me till now. You might have mentioned them, anyway, but you didn't give the name. Just like I haven't yet given out the name of my trilogy, come to think of it. Not that that matters much, though :D.

But anyway, the kamelavkion looks good. Not too overblown or tall and ornate like I was worrying when I clicked the link :). It's really nice that you can post illustration attachments to flesh out your works on paper. I'd probably be able to, but I'd have to ask my Dad to help me figure out the scanner.

[Gwaimir Windgem]

Goodness me, I didn't draw that. :eek: That was the site where I found out the name used. But thanks for thinking I'm such a good artist. ;)

[Lief Erikson]

Sorry Gwaimir, I didn't think that was you. But I do think it's nice that you can make attachments, like that and the temple design.

[Gwaimir Windgem]

Indeed it is. ;) Most handy, indeed. :D I would post a picture of the High Priests vestments, but when I tried to make it, I couldn't do the robe worth squat...:rolleyes:

[Entlover]

You've probably considered and rejected this, but . . .
instead of kamelavkion you could just use miter, which my dictionary says is the headdress worn by bishops of the Western rite and the official headdress of the ancient high priest in Judaism. Then folks would know what you meant, instead of picturing him with some kind of pastry on his head :)

[Gwaimir Windgem]

Yeah, originally the headress was going to be a mitre (didn't think the Jewish high priest wore that, though), but then I decided to go Eastern, as the kamelavkion isn't so well known. :)

[Gwaimir Windgem]

Anymore input? I'll be taking it to the meeting a week from tomorrow, so I'd appreciate anything else people have to say. :)

[Gwaimir Windgem]

I take it to the group tomorrow evening. :eek: Any last minute comments, criticisms, etc.?

[Lief Erikson]

Good luck with it :).

[Gwaimir Windgem]

Back from the writer's group, and only one change made! :mad: How will I ever get it to be good enough to be publishable (let alone unusually good fantasy) with so little critiquing? :(

Originally posted by Gwaimir Windgem
The light emitted by the ancient parchment was so powerful that none but the ordained priests could make out the words, and they could only with difficulty.

Only change, is that this now reads:

Originally posted by Gwaimir Windgem
The light emitted by the ancient parchment was so powerful that none but the ordained priests could make out the words, and they, only with difficulty.

And they didn't even mention that! :eek: Just when the person stumbled over it a bit while reading aloud, I made a note to change it.

[Lief Erikson]

:( That's too bad. Are your family at all interested in writing, or anyone else you know who's not an online friend? Because I'm having my book critiqued by a screenplay writer who's a friend of the family, and my Dad is planning to critique it too.

I suppose you don't have any idea how long your book is going to be, or at least no permanent idea. I don't know much about how your plot shows the length will be, but judging from my own works, plots tend to change from one's original expectations. But . . . do you think it'll be long?

You have a good writing style. One thing to note though (In my opinion) is that when you're actually writing your story, the description would be a bit much for a novel if it's the same amount as it is in the short story. For a description exercise, the short story is wonderful, but it's good not to overload too much on that when actually writing the novel. It could have the affect of losing the audience's interest, or causing them to skip paragraphs. I know I've had that problem with Terry Brooks, when he goes a little too far in that way.

[Gwaimir Windgem]

I don't really know...I'm guessing/hoping 300 pages.

It's actually the beginning scene of the book, not a short story. And I don't plan on the whole thing being so descriptive...:eek: It's really more to emphasise the holiness of the occurance. Though of course, I do plan to be fairly descriptive.

[Lief Erikson]

This is The Lisman Chronicles, correct? If so, I suppose I should move my response to the Lisman topic.

[Gwaimir Windgem]

Nope, it's "The Apostasy", the first book of a three-book series, set in Lisman. The "Lisman" topic was really more for that which is not covered in the books; general information about the secondary world. :)

[Lief Erikson]

Oh. Oops.

[Gwaimir Windgem]

Dinnae worry aboot it. ;)

I'd advise your having a different beginning scene to the book. Or, perhaps it could be the beginning of Chapter 1, and have a prologue come first that is full of blazing action. The point is to grip the reader from the start, and grip 'em hard. They'll pick the story up off the shelf and look at it, and open to the first page after reading the jacket. Actually, perhaps they'll flip through it, but if they open to the prologue, it'll be good to have something that'll interest them rather than a wave of description.

How structured is your plot, thus far? Do you have it written out, as far as what actions and happenings lead to what, in an outline?

Well, I'm really less of an "action" writer, and prefer other elements; of course, I am quite fascinated by religion, and especially religious rite. Hopefully, others who share a similar interest in such elements will be gripped by it. And I view Tolkien as rather a role model, and his works don't begin with action. :)

So far, it's pretty well structured, the beginning especially. The end is fairly well structured, but the middle is kinda hazy...

[Lief Erikson]

Well, structuring it more would be good. With my plots, I get the full basic plot outline finished, and then I do a scene by scene plot. The scene by scene plot is one that nobody I've talked to on Entmoot seems to do, but it's very useful for organizational purposes.

[Gwaimir Windgem]

Yeah, it sounds like a REALLY good idea...I'm not too good at that, though...:(

[Lief Erikson]

Plot construction is one of the funnest parts of the book! Uh, at least for me. Practice will help. Thinking what's logical to happen next often helps me. What would be in character for the individual to do, or think of? If I have a conclusion already in mind, as you apparently do, then manipulating the logic by causing events to take place and change the logical flow can help. There is definitely room for ingenuity though, and it's very helpful. Sometimes I've prayed to the Lord for ideas, and he's given me brilliant ones in the past, when I need them really bad. So praying can help. Slogging away at it is very important too, though. Keeping at the plot. It's grunt work, but it ends up paying off if you focus on it enough and think through the different trains of ideas. You've already got some ideas, so that should help.

Coming up with my plots is really hard work because I know what a time commitment I'm making. I'd be spending the next several years writing this book, so it has to be good enough to keep ME interested, all the time. So it involves creating the plot, throwing out the bad ideas and replacing them slowly with better ones, wheedling away at it, changing the good ideas for better ones, and then finally throwing the whole thing away because it's not good enough. I don't know if you'd be as critical as I am, because I'm very picky about my long term plots, but plugging away at it is important.

[Gwaimir Windgem]

Thanks much for that, sounds quite helpful. :) What you say about what's logical for the character to do is interesting, because originally when writing the plot for Apostasy, I just wanted various things to happen; the main character Fallos was really somewhat of a literary device to make them happen. But looking back, I see that the happenings have made him into a character, and a rather interesting, believable one, if I do say so myself. :)

[Lief Erikson]

Good, that's great :). In my book, also, in the beginning I found the main characters rather boring. Now I'm very attached to them. I found out who they were as people as the book went on, and their characters now are very well developed, in my opinion. So yes, that is another aspect.

Causing people's characters to certain actions happen is one way of doing things. It's not my way; I tend to let the story guide itself more than I guide it. But if it works for you, great :).