that's an excerpt from one of my stories.

[goodwarlord]

Jimmy’s face was very weird and also kind of screwed up also. He lit the paper on fire.

[Lief Erikson]

Oh.

[goodwarlord]

i really think that this story captures the mood of darkness don't u?

[Lief Erikson]

I was just surprised at a new thread being started for such a small part of a story :).

Well, it could help with the mood. I haven't read it in its proper context, so it might be doing that. Some things that could be done to improve it would be to eliminate the word "weird", and instead describe exactly how it was weird. Like saying, "sickly pale," it puts more of an image in the reader's mind.

Saying "kind of screwed up also" could be likely improved by saying "Jim's sickly pale face was screwed up into a . . ." and you add an adjective.

I'll not bore you with further advice though. Are your stories divided into chapters?

[goodwarlord]

Hey you guys, my other story is way to long and the board won't let me post it, what do i do?

[Lief Erikson]

You break it up and send it over multiple posts.

[goodwarlord]

The Quest for Volcan

Mining country on the planet of Urtins was often occupied by slaves. Four weeks after the battle of the sword, the war of the sword commenced. The forces of Camala are not looking forward to the hundred mile march ahead of them to the Northern city of Kimilton. No news has been given from the surviving troops of Raam to the troops of Camala that all of Kimilton’s forces were destroyed at the ones that weren’t, have been taken and enslaved on carts and will be tormented for further information. Yet we find that at the pinacle of the sword’s power, it is thrusted into the hands of all that is good. It is in the hands of Kiron, the man of the mouth. Who has gotten that name from his birth place, the mouth of Coor. But I won’t bore the reader with this nonsense and get into the story a little bit more.

In the hands of evil there lays nothing. Not a sword, not a glove, nothing. But there is a town. The town of Rink Edge is the survivng, rising, town that will rise up and defeat Camala. Or so they thought. When a new king was forced in by power, everyone was shocked, and the town turned into a kingdom of wrongness. Who was this new king? His name was Abdho Elfra, known for his reign on Camala and known by good as a wrong person for accusing his friends of trying to take the sword. Eucheal told the people of the dark graveyard everything, the whole tale. But everyone in the city of Rink Edge is getting used to the king as he makes public speechs and gets ready to organize the first naval army. Old ships from the dark mines of Coor were being shipped on large wooden carts to the coastal city of Rink Edge. They were being fixed up, painted, and armed with the only serious weapon that the city had, men.
Camala knew nothing of the city, nor of the Naval Program that they were getting from their own mines. Basically the troops of Camala are going to trek one hundred miles to find a empty, baron town with nothing there except foolish, dead, men. Good thing that messangers from Raam have been sent to tell King Deadrin of the recent massacre.
Chapter one
Yamunt has been re-built, it’s not as strong as it was, but the civilization is still rising. The bigest threat rigth now to both good and evil is the city of Rink Edge, to Camala it is a large threat because of their weaponry and geographic setting on Urtins. To good, Rink Edge could be a threat because of the hatred that many of the Yamuntians have for Abdho Elfra.
“Pribton?”
“Sir?”
“I need you to come in here, I have to talk about my ships.”
“Yes.”
“Sit down.”
The old man sat down and put his staff accross his lap.
“I have been told that we are using my ships in a naval attack?”
“Yes.”
“No. I want all of those men dead that brought those ships over. We aren’t using these ships for battle. I want two thousand men to be sailed over the Coorben River to the land of Frumble.”
“Sir, Frumble hasn’t been in contact with men in years.”
“I don’t care, he is an old friend and knows more about Helenwood than anyone. And if you don’t like my ideas you will be tortured and burned!”
“As you wish.”
“Yes, as I wish.”
He sent the old man out of the large room to make an anouncement that the king would be making a public anouncement in two hours.
As the time passed, Abdho was lead out of the room and into a courtyard were all of his men sat their with smiles on their face.
“My men, we have come this far, why not celebrate it!”
“Ahhhhhhhhh!”
They all screamed like banshees in the wind as Elfra raised his arms in happieness.
“We will be having a party, a sacrafice, and then death!”
They all screamed with glee, for parties were very rare even in a free city.
“Join me by the statue of Tegron as I release the Digioons.”
He stepped down off of the large stone and went back into the building.
“Mr. Pribton?”
“Yes sir?”
“I have horrible news, I can smell evil rising in the west, it isn’t good.”
“Evil?”
“Segafram.”
“No?”
“Yes, and he is rising atop the mountain called Volcan.”
“That mountain is ancient.”
“I know. But I can feel him rising, I can smell him. Pribton, the times of war have changed. What ever happened to when Haldon was the ruler, he was wise, and people actually obeyed him. Plus, all of my people in my old town hate me. I’m glad that Eucheal has died, no one will seem to believe me that he was trying to take the sword.”
“I do.”
“Yes I know. But we musn’t talk about that now. I have something to read to you, something that needs to be said.”
“The times of are changing. People aren’t as they used to be. I need to make another speech, we’re going to send troops tonight.”

[goodwarlord]

Chapter two
Abdho Elfra stood infront of thirty thousand men as he began his speech that was estimated to last an hour.
“My people, we gather today in the city of Rink Edge to celebrate, but also to think. To think about how much evil there has been on Urtins. We have another problem. The war of the sword has just begun, Kimilton was weak, now we will make it better. We will send masses of troops accross the river to wait for our enemies. We will not lose. We will stand together and stay strong. And we have to keep in mind that freedom is not free and that it takes time and lives to gain it. I have to announce to you that their will be no party tonight. Becuase there is a shadow brewing in the West. Volcan we have called it. A mighty mountain three times the size of Camala’s. No one dares to visit in the West anymore right? Well we won’t , we’ll wait for him to come.”
“Who?” yelled a old man holding his child.
“The lord of Fire. The king of Darkness. And the prince of all that is black, Segafram.”
A loud gasp arose from the audience as a few of the men went back to their houses to prepair for what they thought, in their minds, was going to happen.
“Do not be afraid of something that we have already killed.”
Yelled a strong wizard named Glaimben.
“Yes, everyone should be afraid, and be dead afraid of this Lord. Because his power is getting stronger. I can sense that everything inside him is ready to explode when he lays his eyes on our men. Now stay with me here, and wait and listen to everything that I have to say. Who is the only King that has connections with other men? Who is the only King that can speak with Deadrin whenever he wants? Who is the King that can slaughter us all, but only with the help of his massive armies and squads. That king that I am talking about is Segafram. The lord of fire. What would be the only way to take him apart, one army by one army. Who does he have connections with? All of these questions that I have asked revolves around one thing, and that thing is the city of Camala! We must destroy our closest foe. Deadrin’s army will fall just like Yamunt’s.”
“Hail the king before you, he is great, he is grand. He is Elfra!”
They all shouted the old chant until Abdho pressed on again.

[goodwarlord]

Chapter three
In the halls of Seem, a fortress in Camala, Deadrin met with Jorthantur, a dark knight from Raam.
“Master Deadrin. I have come to speek with you and see if you are willing to use us three knights in the upcoming attack on Rink Edge. But I must tell you that before the war of the sword was over, us three dark knights climbed the mountain in search of our master, our ruler, and our king. There he sat on the peek of the mountain, weilding his sword and speeking in a mix of either Begent speech, or Hellspeech we figure it would probably be Hellspeech for it’s dark tone, and twisted words. His face was formed with horror and shock as he looked up at us.
“’My brothers, come, I must give you something that I hope you will never lose.’”
He flung his sword into the grimey dirt and out came an eruption of power and light. After this happened, a mass of swirling fire engulfed him as we watched him buring alive. Our leader Blecktin told us to stay put, for he knew what was going to happen. He would be fallen and resurected off of a large mountain. As he burned slowly, he said,
“’All of this I give to you. You will each take a large part of me and use it in defense of our city. Destroy man, destroy troll, and destroy all signs of Tryga and I will reward you with eternal life and never ending life. For now, I will seperate my sections of power and give each one to the three of you. I will save enough power for myself so that on the sixth day of war, I will come on horseback with a new form of strength and power. No longer will I be a bloodthirsty tyrant, but a world-wide dictator of terror and a provoker of hate. Men will be driven off this earth and you will live with me forever in my house of silver.’”
His hands went down to his sides and I still remember to this day what he said to me, the leader of our army.
“Jorthantur, keeper of darkness and forever shall you live until be-headed.”
“’Blecktine, the already headless knight, and the keeper of the slaves shall only be able to die if all limbs have been fully seperated from thines body.”
“’And Bantur, one that was made to sore accross the skys on the backs of Dangoonis, you are the keeper of all that is wild and all that are animals. You will forever live unless be-headed only in battle. Attemp at murder outside the gates of the battlefield will have you stripped from your power and lying slain wherever you decided to disobey my rules.”
“’No one shall disagree with my unfair decisions for if they do so, they will fall down dead here now.”
“That was a day that I will never forget.”
“I believe that we could use you. A secret plan that I a-“
Deadrin’s assistant barged in the door of the palace coughing and apnting for air.
“Sir, the river, i-it’s freazing.”
“What?”
“The river.”
“Which one?”
“The by Griff, all of it, it’s already as hard as a rock.”
“How could this happen?”
“I dont’ know. You can see the river from the overlook on the out-skirts of Griff. I had sent two scouts out to look for any rebelions going on inside you’re Empire, when they came back a day later, I heard the horrible news that the river is solid.”

[goodwarlord]

“We will trek it.”
“Trek what?”
“The river.”
“Are you mad? You would have to be insane to send out there! The weather is changing. It’s getting colder by the hour. I don’t understand it, but by tomorrow night, it will be ten below.”
“What better than a route accross the river? Thank you for your time Jorthantus, I need to speak in private with him.”
The cloaked night left with a smile on his face.
“Deadrin, who do you think is doing this?”
“The only person that could control fire and water is Segafram, and he is far too weak to do anything right now.”
“It’s him.”
“It’s not Tegron.”
“It would have to be, he’s the only other one that can control water like that.”
“Tegron has fallen.”
“He left to live witht he Begents, how many times do I have to tell you this?”
“You know, your not right, because fifty people saw him die. He was stabbed in the chest. You know it.”
“Perhaps, let’s just hope that he won’t come here. There’s no way to stop it, I’m not sending my men over to the West.”
It was at the Rayon in where a group of men, Trygas, and of course, Begents met secretly inside the Tallinwood Inn. There was the two middle-aged men, Banglen and Gurn whose bussiness there was to talk about how the Helenwood army rebeled and chose not to participate in the war. The oldest man was Kiron, or as many men call him, the man of the mouth. The begent was Perik Goddemflie, an old smith and strong assassin of the south. Two Trygas sat in the dark corner drinking ale, Yernbeck and Derbane.
“Let us get this metting in order, I Baglen one of the Red Beasts proposes that everyone introduces themselves.”
They all took turns saying how old they were and where they were situated on acount of the war.
“I Banglen, leave this meeting up for discusion.”
“I have heard talk that Segafram is rising in the West and I feel that for once we should meet him at the mountain,” said Gurn Smallwood.”
“And I am all for that, it’s just that we have to army or not even a squad of people to come with us,” replied Perik Goddemflie.
“But my boy, isn’t seven men enough?”
“Sure, if you want to be slain the first ten minutes up the mount.”
“Sir Perik Goddemflie obviously doesn’t understand the power of these fellow men.”
“Obviously, no begent can ever get along with a man! Stand back and try to recognize my thoughts as on how to save a few good men.”
“It’s the fact that they are a few good men that will get us in and out of there!”
“Settle down, settle down my man!”
Screamed out Bangler.
“Now, I want to hear from the leader of the Trygas, Derbane.”
“I aggree with Smallwood. With Kiron alone we could use his knowledge to navigate half way there. If we move to do this, than we must keep it secret and we cannot tell a single soul about it.”
The other tryga Yernbeck, stood up and shiethed his sword.
“Some one is coming, follow me.”
His nose began to twitch and he pounced out of the room.
“Kiron, they’re coming for you, the knights have come for you!”
Screamed Bangler.
Kiron also shiethed a long, steal sword.
“Come and let us follow the tall one!”
They walked into the main lobbey of the inn were twenty dead men and begents lay on the ground with daggers in their throats and gullets.
Bantur and Blecktine stormed into the room on horseback carrying two swords in each hand. Blecktine screeched,
“Kiron, brother to Tymrin and son of Glainin. You are the heir to the throne of the Heybrito Forest are you not?”
“I am and what you seek is not here.”
“Then were is it?”
“I shall not tell you where the sword of the flame is.”
“Bantur, seek the others that were in the meeting, I shall leave for Volcan today. Master Segafram wishes to see the death of you.”
“I will see the government overthrown by birds before you slaughter me!”
He thrusted his sword into the stomach of the knight. The knight laughed with pleasure as he himself pushed the blade farther into his flesh.
“I can not die Kiron. Stab me all you want, I am invincible for now!”
He threw his blade with precistion accuracy into the head of Banglur. He fell down with his back to a bloody wall.
“Now who is stronger. You think good will prevail? Your making an auful mistake when you think that you could get out of this!”
He left on horseback with Bantur in back of him on a stallion.
Yernbeck spoke,
“And what does the Man of the Mouth say now?”
“We make for the west, the land of fire, Volcan.”

[goodwarlord]

Chapter four
Kiron sat in the inn bargaining with the inn keeper about his horses and how he should sell a few to him.
“Three hundred Drain!”
“Five hundred and I’ll give you five horses.”
“Deal.”
“Pick them up tonight at my house in Toyok. My name is Gerdenbelf. Make sure that you cross the Hanglany Bridge, and come before nine o’ clock.”
“I’ll be there tonight.”
Kiron walked out of the inn to meet with the two trygas Yernbeck and Derbane.
“We will trek tworads to Toyo to pick up the horses and then move tworads the dark forest. Spare all of your bows and arrows, anything that isn't made of steal, won’t harm the evil that lives in the woods. We must watch out for manticores, they will be disturbed if we make much noise. Call to the begents and the other men, we will leave soon.”
All of the begents and men began to walk off tworads the western city of Toyok, only twenty miles away. All of them were armed with two swords, one dagger, and the two trygas with their protective mail on. The begent, Perik Goddemflie’s special weapon was a long javelin that could bend like a piece of rubber. This odd piece of wood had seen many battles for sure it wasn’t dull. Gurn Smallwood took two small daggers and a knife along with him and Derban and Yerbeck traveled in stealth, always wearing a dark cloak with a dirty silver brooch on it that recognized Helenwood. They arrived at the innkeeper’s house at seven, a few hours earlier than expected for the navigational skills of Kiron were so intellectual he could remember everyone who lived in the houses that they passed by though often Gurn was confused by his logic and called it “folly” and to complex for his strange little mind.
As they crossed the Hanglany bridge over the Bergantuck river, Perik pointed out several short cuts to his house. Kiron also called these folly and far to idiotic for his tastes as he motioned to ignore Goddemflie’s attempt to impress the wizard.
“Kiron,” said Perik, “Where did you get such a staff?”
He pointed down to the silver, gleaming staff that shown and sparkeled in the sunset sky.
“My father, who was once king of Heybrito Forest, gave me this staff on his deathbed. He called it the most powerful piece of silver ever to be found and he then handed me it, wraped in a cloth and gentily put into a long case.”
“My father died early. Like many begents did in the dark age of the mines. Of course back then Abdho was crueler than ever and he sent men to come to us and to torture us neath’ the earth, inside the caves.”
“I have heard the story many a’ time Perik, and I would wish to never hear it again. We are coming closer to his house. I’ts just up there over the hill, shall we?”
They all trekked up the small hill and rapped on the door.
“Why hello Kiron. I have the horses tied out back, let me just put my cloak and brooch on eh?”
“For sure my good man, for sure!”
They went around back as the man had said, and there stood a stable with six horses in it, and one small pony.
“This Kiron and company, is the stable. Each one of these horses are great for riding and can take harsh weather. But I wouldn’t fancy all of them coming back home sick.”
“Of course you wouldn’t.”
Kiron looked back at Derbane and frowned.
“Now, I haven’t named any of them, oh cept’ for this ol’ pony here. You can take him off my hands for me can’t ya?’”
“Of course. But what be this royal brutes name?”
“It might be Pip.”
“Ah, why hello there Pip. Perik would you fancy riding him?”
“Would I!”
“Oh, I forgot to ask, where will you be going, back to Yamunt?”
“Our bussiness in our bussiness, we carry nothing but steal and our thoughts let us leave with both.”
Kiron’s eyes got dark and cross, he became even more indignent when the inn keeper starred down at his sword and said,”An old man with a blade, now what kind of twisted world is this turning into?”
Kiron thrusted the sword up to his neck.
“Who’s laughing now? I’d rather be an old man, than a foolish dead one how about you?”
The blade went even higher into the neck almost cutting the skin. The others watched in horror as the man took back what he had said.
“Now,these animals won’t return.”
And so it was as Kiron raised his staff to shove the man back into his house. Without five seconds passing, all of the locks to the stables were open and the horses were free by the power of his magic. They stormed off, pip and Perik slowly trailing ten yards behind them.

[goodwarlord]

Chapter Five
They slowly made they’re way to the east, traveling over small mountains and cross beutiful vallys. When the quest seamed to be at the peek of it success, the snow fell. I showered down upon them during they’re sleep. Two feet of snow lay before them. And the country was baron,wet, and dark. They quickly came to the gates of the
Dark Forest also known as the home of the Germp. The Germp was a foul creature that slept beneath in the mines. The only way to kill this monsterous looking beast was with blade. Arrows lay sticking inside the tall beast’s arm’s and legs. Shafts of javelins have been pierced inside the beast’s head and torso. Everything that our heros knew and every skill that they had found they would need to use to either slay or get past the creature of darkness.
“Let the wizard take care of the first hit we know that he will arise from the mines.” Said Gurn Smallwood.
“I shall take him down will my powers, the forest will be safer that way.” Said the tall wizard.
He opened the silver gate will a bolt of power from atop his staff.
“Follow me, I know the way.”
The going was tough. Large trees lined the path. Once and a while a small manticore would see our heros and flee to find his parents, which was bad for our heros for male manticores are huge and massive. A mind shaft could be seen once they made it into the heart of the forest.
“Stay back, the Gemrp is here.”
A hard pounding could be heard followed by a impassive growling. The doors to the shaft blew open.
“Throw all of your daggers!” Said Kiron.
Gurn threw his with great precision and it landed in the head of the vast beast. He flew back almost falling down into the depths of the mines. Kiron told them to move as he ran tworads the Germp.
“Jera mecha Hai. New Eial ma Hoi mouth.” His shoved the staff deep into the earthy soil.
“Fall!”
The beast looked at the wizard with a face of shock.
“Fall back beast!”
The Germp smacked Kiron into a large tree. He flung back, his eyes like fire, and his hands clenched around the silver staff.
“Beast of Volcan, fall back! Fall back!”
The ground split in two and Kiron fell in with the beast.
“Look out Derbane, tell the others that I collapsed.” For he was the only one that was around the battlescene. Derbane ran to help him, but Kiron closed the gap and he was trapped within the earth with the large creature on top of him.
“No!” Derbane fell to his knees. He called out as loud as he could for his friends.
“Yernbeck, Smallwood! He’s died, for us!”
“L-l-let us all remember this day. For he was great, and he die-“
The earth began to quake, the now dirty man with a white beard arose along with the dead Germp. He stood atop of his head with his staff half way driven in.
Two days later the group could be found trekking still in the woods with dirty clothes and scratched faces. Ever since the Germp incident all of the people have been in a good mood, it’s just that their clothes were dirtier than the Germp itself.
They began to reach a clearing, Kiron’s wits had lasted them through the whole forest, now all of them were going to be tested, and Kiron knew that. They came to a clearing that was bright from the shining of the sun. The yellow grass sprinkled from the almost dry dew.
“Kiron, are we reaching the fields?” Asked Perik.
“My boy we are reaching something different from the fields.”
They approached a grassy cove, Kiron ducked under a sign that read:


Roundhill Banks
“This is Roundhill, the only place near Volcan that still lives peacefully.”
“And why are we stoping here?”
“A nice place to rest Goddemflie, now be still and settle down.”
“And who may you be?”
A old man dressed in white and carrying a wooden staff made from a type of oak walked out from a distant shack beyond the ending of the cove. He was now a few yards away.
“Stay back Perik, I don’t recognize him.”
“I am Tegron, the once master of Urtins.”
Everyone starred up at the old, tall man. Even Kiron, as surprising as it sounds bowed down and left his staff to lay on the ground.
“Rise up old one, you are a wizard for sure.”
His hands were as soft as cotton. He grabbed Kiron’s hands and looked him in the eye,
“You have come to help me have you not?”
“It depends my lord, it depends.”
“Well then, let’s discuss this.”
They walked a half a mile more to the foot of a large hill.
“This my friends is Roundhill.” Said Tegron.
Eight wooden chairs were set up for everyone to focus and to sit on. A large stand stood in the middle where Tegron laid his cloak on. He then sat next to Yernbeck.

[goodwarlord]

Chapter five(The meeting at Roundhill.)
“Kiron, what exactly have your men come for?”
He looked over at the five begents sitting on the other side of the meeting circle. The begents were helpers of Tegron and also wanted to partake in the disscussion and the decision that would eventually be made.
“I have come with my men to seek out all that is evil and wrong. All that is cruel and senseless. Everything that rises to take control because of it’s own fault. Of course I am talking about Segafram, the dark lord, surely you know that he is coming for us all.”
“Surely you now that he is unstopable without one thing.”
“And do I have that thing Master?”
“Do you have it? I’m not sure, because I sense a certain securness within you, your not afraid of what might go on here?”
“I have heard of Roundhill, you do many good things here. I never knew that you would be the master of this whole place.”
“I no longer want to discuss about my home because if we don’t talk about Volcan than I won’t even have a home to discuss about.”
“I know your mind. I can see you Tegron, what you want is my weapon, what you need to deliever the weapon, is me and my men.”
“Do you now how we are going to destroy this kind of evil.”
“There are no two kinds of evil, evil is evil, and I will shake the hands of the enemy before I let oyu hold my men and I back. I am not waiting for him to come and slaughter us.”
“You don’t trust your power.”
“He could slay you in a heartbeat.”
“And how do you know.”
“I nearly died in his first stage.”
“So you are the reason for all of this.”
“Do not blame a death on another life! No one knew that this man could re-group and reform into another part of evil’s reign.”
“The only way to destroy Segafram is to cast the sword of the Flame into the very mountain that stands miles away, the very mountain that stands for great steal smiths, and the very mountain that means “Fire.” Throw the sword of the Flame. Throw it hard so it falls into the very depths of the fire. Everything, including the fire is apart of him, let the sword disinagrate, and let him fall.”
“The plan is folly, one could never get to the top of such a mount.”
“With the help of my begents, and my Dangioons, we could be there in two days. Only Haldon himself knows whether or not he will rise tonight.”
“And what would we do when he does die? We just wait atop the mountain, look over the edge, and just hope that he is boiling down inside the red hot fire?” Asked Derbane.
“Tryga of the East, your question is a good one, so I believe I will give it a good answer. I could sense the power in that before you even tried to kill him the first time. It’s power is only going to rise, and at the peek of its power it would be way to power to kill even something as evil as Segafram. It’s power is ready to preform, just let it out of the sword. Shieth it and drop it and that’s all I ask.”
“How long?”
“And what do you mean by that Wizard?”
“How long do we have to wait until we can leave for another short journey?”
“Tomorrow morn if you and your men aggree with me.”
“Perik?”
“I’m afraid I don’t understand, um, you are casting a sword into the mountain?”
“We won’t actually climb to afar up to the top of the mountain. I know the way so that we can go threw a passage. I can see the passage every night since his reign has started. From there we will cross a old marbel bridge, jump down into the depths of his home. And cast it into the darkness below.”
“You are talking about a large drop are you not?”
“I am Master Smallwood. We would drop clear down the norther face of the large wall. Of course only wizards can survive quite large falls, so we shall climb down. Don’t worry, I have done it many a time before Segafram took use of the old mountain. And the wall is very small, it’s the pool of fire and lava that we’ll have to worry about. From there we would cross another bridge, the bridge of Camamoo`r and ,make a long, hard, dash for the giant pit.”
“But won’t he hear us?” Said Yernbeck.
“Of course, but I have had only one encounter with the fool and I have proven to be a great fighter. But Kiron by far shall beat him with his skill, I can sense it inside him. And his staff is one fit for somthing that rules a king. We make for Volcan tomarrow morning, rest up, and be strong, fire awaits you.”

[goodwarlord]

The next morning the men collected their weapons and begant o eat, their paranoid faces glistened in the arising sunlight.
“I reckon Kiron will control one of the Dangioons?” Asked the Begent Perik.
“You are right. And Tegron will guide us to the foot of the mountain, from there we will use the Dangioons to fly to the entrance of the mount.”
“This mountain is like a deathtrap. We’ll be lucky if we all come out alive.” Said the other Wizard.
“I do not expect to return, I never have. A suicide mission is what you suggested and that is what my men and I will do. We know that the powerful form of Segafram will sense us. Haldon himself only knows what he will look like.”
“He will be a ball of fire. A blazing inferno.”
“And how do you know this?”
“I can smell fire, moving fire. He’s running around inside the mountain. Now let us get ready, we will leave in twenty minutes.”
They all took their weapons and shiethed them. One last time Kiron looked at his sword and put it back into his shieth.

[goodwarlord]

“This is it, let’s go.”
They all jumped on Dangioons,(the winged creatures forming from the race of Manticores.) The wings flapped up and down and in tow hours they came to the entrance of Volcan.
“This, my friends, was once named the opening of Wabel Rock. The gates were destroyed and now it can only be opened by magic.
“Beyso vore may coo creyvore, mant geris. Demun colir, jos maiff row vore.”
The stone entrance begant to open.
“Quickly, it only opens once, and it doesn’t stay!” Said Tegron to the others.
They all ran through as quite as mice. The door closed with a loud thump. Tegron lead but quickly behind was Derbane, followed by Yernbeck, Kiron, Perik, and of course Gurn Smallwood. They made their way to a long stone bridge that was rickity and weak.
“It shall not support us.” Said Perik.
“Well be never expected it to did we?” Said Kiron as he jumped half of the way accross it with the begent in his arms. After they crossed the old bridge, the two trygas crossed and following them was Gurn and Tegron.
Arrows began to come from all sides of the bridge. They showered at our heros fortunatlly, none of them hit the men for they were almost in a completely different room. The wizard Tegron spoke,
“Blackthorn’s Tribe, they are one of the strongest armies in the world. A selection of cush warriors that could destroy Camala’s men in a heartbeat. I hear hellspeech, look out, they are seeking us.”
They proceeded to follow the man for he knew where he was going. Obviously the power of Blackthorn had made a large impression on Tegron, he had heard of them, but never encountered them himself. They came from both sides firing and throwing arrows and javelins. One flew high above Tegrons head, he jumped up to meet the javelin, caught it, and threw it to kill it’s master.
“Follow me my men, we must run.”
They almost immediatly engulfed them in, surrounding them from each side and prodding them with their sticks and arrows.
A horn sounded and all of Blackthorn’s army looked about with fear in their faces. A door opened from back behind near the first entrance from where our heros came in.
“A Vovcov, one of the most strongest creatures to ever walk this earth, and only one of three. We are done for and even I think that it is over.” Said the older wizard.
“It is not over, long and hard have I studied of these creatures we run for our lives or we sit and be scourched.” Said the other Wizard, Kiron.
All of Blackthorn’s army fleed from the area, and the only ones that made it out alive from that dark tomb were the lucky ones. Most were trampled by the flaming beast that was snorting like he has been awakened from a long, and hard sleep. He carried nothing but a large sword that was made of a material that know one has ever seen. The men sprinted on a dead long run. They turned the corner but the beast broke threw the wall and gained even more ground. They crossed a small bridge made of the same stone as the first. Yet they still kept on and kept sprinted until their lungs felt like bursting. The beast finally claimed the life of Yernbeck. With a swift stroke it’s firery hand grabbed the tryga and incinerated him in an instant. No one had time to think about what was going on, they were all still bounding to get to the final bridge. Finally they reached the wall that they must decend down. Kiron and Tegron made one large jump and landed on their feet on the large platform below. Gurn and Perik helped each other down and finally Derbane made his last jump into the arms of Tegron.
“Come my boy, we must move quickly he is trying to get down!” Said the wizard Tegron. They finally came to the bridge of Camamoo`r. It was a long wooden one, that was still sturdy and strong. Kiron motioned for the others to run and that he would fight it off. The sword of the Vovcov clashed against Kiron’s staff.
“Back you demon, back!”
The Vovcov was not phased by the power that came from the staff of Kiron. But luckilly something that no one knew of was going to happen, Tegron walked out onto the bridge and picked up the tossed staff that belonged to Kiron.
“Acama moor, Camamoo`r. Defe` ma bakk!” He shoved his staff into the ground, the whole place shook with rage. The bridge snapped and the very strong Tegron picked up Kiron and flung him to the otherside where the others stood in shock. The Vovcov’s sword fell to the ground. Tegron tapped the staff rather lightly on the arm of the firery beast, he flung down, down, down, deep into the fires of Volcan, and let’s hope he lost his life when he reached the ground.

[goodwarlord]

“To the pit.”
They ran for another half of a mile until they reached the largest pit in which he dwelled in. The wizard spoke,
“Kiron, take the sword of the Flame and deliver it, this is a proud day!”
“I can’t.”
“What, why not?”
“The pit is to far away.”
They all peered over the edge to confirm if what Kiron was saying was true. It was. The pit was lost, casted in the depths of the horizantil distance.
“We don’t have time to daudle, Kiron. Just throw it.”
“That is a third of a mile away Never could you throw this, not even Haldon could find the stregth. I will take it down.”
“No.”
“Well one of us has to, we are the only ones that will be able to survive the fall.”
“It will be I, Tegron. I have been on this planet for eight hundred years, It is my time, and I have passed as a ruler. But if I do it, you and your men are the real heros for finding the courage to make it threw the forest. I look up to you and I will take it down.”
“No it is I who shall, it’s my sword, and I shall take it.”
Tegron drew his blade and put it up to Kiron’s neck,
“You will let me take it, it is my duty, and I will fufill my job as to protect this planet as long as I am on it. Understand?”
Kiron shook his head up and down,
“Good bye my friend, goodbye.”
Perik cried threw this all, and Derbane said nothing as he looked at one of the bravest men to ever live. He jumped down witht the sword in hand.
“Run!” He shouted, “Run my friends, and goodbye! Rejoice, his evil will be finally destroyed!”
They all ran out and after a few seconds a loud explosion could be heard. Tegron was knocked down into the red hot lava, and his cloak and staff burned along with his body. A loud roar sounded out and a face of grim and darkness broke into pieces. Segafram’s new body, and old spirit was destroyed, never again shall he or his spirit arise again.

[goodwarlord]

i hope that u enjoyed my story and give critiscm.(SP?)

[goodwarlord]

are u still reading it, are u enjoying it? check in the charcters thread to see what I left for u.

[IronParrot]

goodwarlord, here's one suggestion I have to make:

Give your dialogue a little more room to breathe. It does get a little confusing to the reader (or at least myself) if you just have line after line of dialogue for extended periods of time. Your writing, as it looks right now, does seem better suited to something like a play - focused on dialogue and action.

Do you envision your story as a movie? It has a very "cinematic" style, if you know what I mean. In writing, you might want to flesh it out a bit.

[goodwarlord]

I have always felt that when I start to write, I always look at it as more of a movie or preformance, rather than a simple story. you gave me good suggestions, thank u much!

[IronParrot]

From what I've heard, that's what a lot of professional authors actually do: write the framework - dialogue and action - and then fill in the gaps.

I don't do that myself, as I'm sort of a paragraph-by-paragraph perfectionist (a "basher", as Kurt Vonnegut would say), but it seems to work really well for some people.

[goodwarlord]

Did you read threw it all iron parot, if so, what was you rfavorite part, and did it all pretty much make sense to you?

[Lief Erikson]

I'll tell you, goodwarlord, when I do finish reading your story. It could take me a while though; your story is a good deal longer than all the other ones posted on this forum so far.

[goodwarlord]

ok, so make sure u tell me.

[IronParrot]

Is the little introduction (prior to the Chapter One heading) actually part of the work, or just an introduction to get us into the story? Because it does seem a little out of place. Instead of relying on an opening synopsis like that, you should reveal it within the action itself. While the "opening scroll" technique works in Star Wars as a stylistic novelist, I would advise against it in the context of a written work.

One of the reasons is that right off the bat, I'm a bit overwhelmed with all the names. You establish pretty quickly that this is on a different planet: to me, calling it "the planet of Urtins" points a bit in the sci-fi direction, and it's not until later (around chapter 5) that you use "planet" again, establishing that the characters have some consciousness of worlds besides this one.

“It will be I, Tegron. I have been on this planet for eight hundred years, It is my time, and I have passed as a ruler. But if I do it, you and your men are the real heros for finding the courage to make it threw the forest. I look up to you and I will take it down.”
It takes a while for the setting to sink in, and for that society's level of civilization to be clearly established. Did you intend it to be rather sci-fi? If so, say so sooner: it's unclear, because you speak of kings and swords and mystical creatures; at the same time, you have characters speaking as if your world spans several planets. I think it's an interesting idea to juxtapose the two, which was certainly successfully done by Star Wars (was that one of your influences?), but you want to lay down the setting in Chapter One. Don't wait.

Right now, it feels a bit muddled. What you might want to do is space it out a bit. Don't overload the reader with too many names earlier on: if the names are going to be outlandish, drill them in firmly before you add more characters or places to the fray. You've created a whole other world there, and that's a good start: now draw the reader into it, and do it right at the beginning, so he doesn't lose interest.

Also, I'm not going to nitpick here yet, but it does need a fair bit of technical proofreading here and there; that can be taken care of at your discretion, though.

[goodwarlord]

I need soem critiscm, so just read threw it, and pick out little things that need some major work k?

[Lief Erikson]

All right, I've finished reading your story now, Goodwarlord. It's pretty good, and I especially enjoyed the end :). At that point, everything became more unified and understandable. The action became more fast paced at that point and ready to draw the reader along. That was my experience, anyhow.

What the work really looks like to me is a transition piece. It's a good work, but you will become better. It looks a little similar to some of my earlier writing, like the novel Siegfred's Nephew that I wrote once when I was about thirteen. It's not the best, but it's a linkage piece. If you keep writing and keep enjoying your writing like you are now, you'll do great. It's practice pieces like this one that helped me along; practice really is vital to a person's improvement in their writing, and you seem to be getting some very good practice. Keep it up :).

[goodwarlord]

So you think that it was pretty good for a twelve year old?

[IronParrot]

It's a start. Keep writing (and perhaps more importantly, reading) and you'll refine it more and more.

[Lief Erikson]

Originally posted by goodwarlord
So you think that it was pretty good for a twelve year old?
I wouldn't say pretty good for a twelve year old, because people start at different times in their life. It's true that there are people who are older than twenty who can't put anything better than that together, but then there are people who developed a passion for writing when they were really, really young, and they're excellent at 12. However, I will say that it's good to see that at the age of twelve you're really thinking about these things and working at your skill. I was working at hard at writing from a young age also; younger than 12, actually. It was my fun activity; I did it for my own enjoyment. You've got a great imagination; just keep feeding it and you'll do great :).