"Headlines" of the Ancient Times

[Grey_Wolf]

An example...


Young Man Crucified By the Romans

...Makes Miraculuos Recovery


Another example...



Old Man Saves Hundreds of People And Animals From Worldwide Deluge

...Sends Out A Dove In Search of Land And Finds It!

[Arathorn]

French Hostess Insists On Cake..
...Will Lose More than Just Head

Dismemberment starts at 11.

[Coney]

SIR DOUGLAS HAIG SHOCKS MILLIONS!!

As he reveals battle plan (Sept 10 1918). Soldiers demand "Why weren't we told of a plan earlier?"

[Grey_Wolf]

Young Warrior Soon To Be King Defeats Giant With Slingshot!

Shouting Brought Down Walls

Volcano Erupts Covering City In Hot Ash
- thousands killed by noxious fumes and deadly downpour.

This in now from the State of Kiev:

After Futile Attack On Constantinople, Igor Makes Trade Agreement With Byzantium

And in other parts of the world:

Mongols Victorious At River Battle

Henry the Quarrelsome Deprived of His Duchy

[BeardofPants]

Rameses victorious at Quadesh! (Or was it the other way around?)

[Coney]

HORSE ROMPS HOME IN THE ELECTION RACE

Caligula's favourite wins military title.

WELLINGTON GIVES NAPOLEON THE BOOT

Reactions from the Waterloo battlefield

[Treebeard's apprentice]

CEASAR'S GAY LOVER
See Him Caught on the Beaches of Sicily!
Exclusive pictures only in Roman Times magazine


--or--


RIOT BREAKS OUT AT COLLISEUM
Cause Believed to be Overpriced Mead

[IronParrot]

SOCRATES EXECUTED
But we don't know that for a fact

[Coney]

JESUS SAVES!

But Lucifer scores on the rebound.

[IronParrot]

That's an oldie but goodie, heh.

Opinion: PYRAMID CONSTRUCTION A WASTE OF IMPERIAL FUNDS
Pharaohs don't seem to get the point

[Coney]

HADRIAN BUILDS WALL!

Disgruntled gardeners threaten strike!

[IronParrot]

GREEK ALLIANCE SACKS TROY
Value of gold in Troy ounces fluctuates

[Coney]

ACHILLES FALLS!

Rumours of old foot disability grow.

[IronParrot]

MASSIVE FLOODS COVER KNOWN WORLD
God sought by authorities for questioning

[Coney]

JUDAS UPSETS THE CHRIST!

At a pleasant supper Judas Iscariot spilled the salt, Jesus,after a mere moment of disgruntlement, said to be "forgiving".

[Treebeard's apprentice]

PIGEONS TAUGHT TO CARRY MESSAGES
Experts Say This Will Revolutionize Communications
"This will make the world seem even smaller than it is already"

In a related story:

CITIZENS WARNED NOT TO SEND MESSAGES WHILE DRIVING A CHARIOT
Claimed to be Leading Cause of Chariot Crashes

[Arathorn]

Man Claims To Have Proven World Is Round
Authorities still insist he sneaked eastward after a well-publicized sendoff in the west coast.

[Treebeard's apprentice]

COMPLETION NEARS ON PYRAMIDS OF GIZA
Local Teen Hopes To See Them Finished Before He Dies


NEW INVENTION: WHEEL REVEALED AT WORLD EXPO
Now If Only We Can Find A Practical Use . . .

[Arathorn]

RE Switches To New Currency
The Roman Empire formally launched it's new Romeo coinage bearing the Ceasar's likeness. Although there was some resistance in Gaul, it was finally accepted with open arms after a few public crucifixions.

[Earniel]

BREAKING NEWS: Dinosaurs bite the dust!
Will mammals become the new dominant species?

[Grey_Wolf]

Neanderthals Are On the Verge of Extinction As Middle Pleistocene Comes To An End!

- Will Cro Magnon Take Over?

[Arathorn]

Local Sapiens Farmboy Discovers Fire
Sees new career as hunter and afterdark finger painter

[Treebeard's apprentice]

GREEKS GIVE UP -- TROY IS VICTORIOUS!
No Official Surrender Yet, But They Did Leave A Nice Present

[Earniel]

Originally posted by Treebeard's apprentice
GREEKS GIVE UP -- TROY IS VICTORIOUS!
No Official Surrender Yet, But They Did Leave A Nice Present

Nice present... LOL! :D

[Getchan]

LOCAL WOMAN EATS FORBIDDEN FRUIT- BLAMES "EVIL SERPENT"

[IronParrot]

SHOCKING FINDINGS: ROMULUS LEGEND DEBUNKED
Archaeologists: "Rome not built in a day"

[IronParrot]

SUMERIANS INVENT WRITING
Now we can actually print this newspaper

[Getchan]

LEXINGTON POLICE ARREST DRUNK RIDER
Arrested was Boston native Paul Revere after swerving in and out of horse traffic while obviously intoxicated. His only statement was," Oneifbyland...umm..ohh yehh..heh..tooifbysea..hic!"

[Grey_Wolf]

Beautiful Young Woman Sees To It That A Fleet of A Thousand Ships Set Sail...

...centerfold (pages 25-26)

[Draken]

Raptor Astronomer Claims Comet Will "End World"

Triceratops spokesman condemns "yet more carnivore scare-mongering."

Tyrannasaurus Rex Astronomer Royal unable to verify - arms too short to raise telescope to eye.

[Nibs]

The Atlantis Times

Date: Who cares? We're rich. And technologically advanced.
Issue: Does it matter? We'll always be around.

Angry Townsfolk Finally Stone 'Public Menace'

A middle-aged man, often seen carrying a sign declaring "The World Could End Tomorrow" was stoned yesterday.

Details after we take care of the mounting leak problem in our office.

[Earniel]

Originally posted by Draken
Raptor Astronomer Claims Comet Will "End World"

Triceratops spokesman condemns "yet more carnivore scare-mongering."

Tyrannasaurus Rex Astronomer Royal unable to verify - arms too short to raise telescope to eye.

LOL! Good one! :D

Ceasar crosses the Rubicon!

when asked for a comment he told our reporter: alea iacta est.

[Arathorn]

Chinese Engineers Sacked!
Sources say Imperial Specifications were for a Great Pyramid and not a Wall. Neighboring Huns were said to be falling off their horses in laughter.

[Treebeard's apprentice]

EXPLORERS CROSS ICE BRIDGE TO NORTH AMERICA
Many Ask 'Where In The Hades Is America?'

[Coney]

BIOLOGICAL SUBMARINE INVENTED!!

Jonah, the very first passenger, said to be "digusted" as the vessels no-smoking policy was enforced on maiden voyage.

[Grey_Wolf]

Island Cut Off From Mainland By Massive Melting of Huge Icecover...

...Islanders Struck Dumb By Apparent Natural disaster.