Worst case scenario...

[etherealunicorn]

I ran across this thread somewhere in my wanderings, but cannot remember where, so I thought that I would propose it again, just for laughs.
Suppose that you wanted to film LotR and make it absolutely as bad as you could? I mean SO bad that it couldn't have been accidental. For parameters, add any actor from any time and even from other movies if it works. Also any strange or bizarre plot changes or dialogue rewrites, etc. I'm sure you know what I mean.
Here is my first contribution:
From the movie "Caveman", the misfit tribe as the Woses, with Atouk(Ringo) as Ghan-buri-Ghan.

Richard Lewis, or even worse, Norm MacDonald as The Mouth of Sauron

[IronParrot]

Heh, we're going to have fun with this thread.

Steve Martin as Gandalf...

[IronParrot]

For all you WarCraft fans out there... imagine Ugluk going "STOP POKING ME!"

[etherealunicorn]

Oh, I forgot one and have only just remembered.
Directed by Mel Brooks

[etherealunicorn]

:rollin:
Good one, IP, and congrats on the promotion, if I understand the posting correctly.

[IronParrot]

bmilder and captain Tarpols as Frodo and Sam?

[juntel]

Arnold Schwarzenneger as Legolas...
Danny DeVito as Gimli.
Kevin Sorbo as Tom Bombadil (i've said that before...)
Roseanne Barr as... Galadriel!

[etherealunicorn]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Too funny! I love the image of Arnold that I just got. "I desired to tell Master Gimli that my tale is now thirty-nine."
You folks are better than ComedyCentral:)

[Eruve]

I can think of a worse director than Mel Brooks.... Edward D. Wood!! He'd probably want to do a female role in drag...

[IronParrot]

juntel, I'm really glad you're not a casting director. :lol

How about blending in Gollum as a 2D animation effect like in Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

[juntel]

Gollum? Nah... just hire Bill Gates...

"Mmmmicrossssoft! My preeeeciousssssss... It was sssstollllenn from meeee! My preeeeeciousssss... They cutsss it in twooooo... Thieves! Thieves...!"

[IronParrot]

:lol: !

[etherealunicorn]

:lol: :lol:
Yep, I'd forgotten about Ed Wood, he's pretty bad too.
Wow, this has gotten a far better response than I ever dreamed in such a short time. Marvelous ideas! Thanks everyone for the laughs.

[Eruve]

I can just picture it... The Ed Wood LOTR, complete with cardboard sets, a plastic Mt. Doom, Elves dressed up in shiny space men outfits, Ed himself in a cameo as Eowyn, and Bela Lugosi as the Witch King! And much recycled footage...

[IronParrot]

What if they snuck some kind of "Say No to Drugs, Kids!" thing in there? :p

[etherealunicorn]

How about this? In light of all the Matrix imitations that came out after the Matrix did so well, let's not forget that secret entrance under the Mirror of Galadriel. Upon entry, lo and behold, ME is a massive simulation and everybody therein is being used to provide power, to be used by Xen-Arwen when she moves to conquer Valinor.

[etherealunicorn]

I forgot to add on my last post to this topic, Has anybody read Harvard Lampoon's Bored of the Rings?

[IronParrot]

No... are you joking here or does such a thing actually exist?

[anduin]

I've heard of it, but never actually seen it.

[Eruve]

I read Bored of the Rings way back when I was in University, say around 15 years ago. I no longer have it, but I lent it out and never saw it again. Parts were funny others not so funny. It's not that long, so if you find it, pick it up. I don't know if it's easy to find anymore or not.

[Yazad]

How's about Steven Segal as Strider, Jean-Claude Van Damme as Boromir and Jackie Chan as Legolas?

I think Coleman Francis was probably a worse director than even Ed Wood. He could do a "Thinking Man's Lord of the Rings" like The Beast of Yucca Flats without sync sound, cleverly disgused by moving the speaker OUT of the frame and switching camera angles at the exact right time. VERY clever and it utterly fools the audience too! It could ponder life's deeper questions.

I have a copy of Bored of the Rings somewhere. I thought it was so-so like others have said. Some dumb parts some decent ones. The cover was a take off of the early paperback copies of LotR with the kinda 2-D trippy cut-out looking creatures. You can easily find a copy through bookfinder.com and it's not hard to find at used book stores either, usually in the Tolkien section. It's a little maybe 80-120 pp paperback.

[IronParrot]

What if they used digital technology to bring an actor back from the dead...

Namely, André the Giant...

As a hobbit?

[etherealunicorn]

Hmm...I can see it :)
Yeah, I agree about Bored of the Rings, but I have to admit that it didn't really pull any punches. It almost bordered on offensive, but there were parts where you just had to laugh, it was so stupid.
It didn't really fit the thread to ask here, yet in a way it suits the topic. Much the same sort of thing :)

[Darth Tater]

Soundtrack: Well, since it is so difficult to put music to Tolkien's songs they will of course be rap. As for the other music what else but techno?

[etherealunicorn]

I like that Tater :)
Also, IP, I got to thinking about your comment about using deceased actors through digital technology and it made me think that for this particular scenario, if we do use the late actors as well, then I can think of no better Aragorn than John Wayne. Just for the value of the mental picture it will give you(it made me laugh like an idiot, I can tell you:lol: ), visualize any of Aragorn's significant lines with a John Wayne intonation to it. I particularly liked picturing it anywhere in T2T, The Riders of Rohan.

[etherealunicorn]

By the way, since Tater brought it up and now I am intrigued, are there any rappers out there? And if so, where could we best put a thread for rap lyrics suitable for LotR?
I'm sorry, but that idea really tickles me. I'll have to put some thought into that myself, but I am not much into rap music so I don't know quite where to start. Hmm....
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[anduin]

Etherealunicorn, that is so vile that I am thinking of banning you for even suggesting it! ;)

[trevkw]

All right...let me give this a shot...

Frodo -- Andrew "Dice" Clay ("I got your *&%# ring right hea!")

Gandalf -- Gilberd Gottfried ("The fireworks, the fireworks, they always wanna see the fireworks. Hello?! I'm a wizard. I can blow up forests, and you wanna see fireworks..."

Legolas -- John Goodman ("Killing orcs is knife-work...that way, when you're done, all you need's a fork, and them's good eatin'!")

Galadriel -- Rosie Perez ("Is jou gonna look into de mirra, o' wot?")

Elrond -- Keanu Reeves ("Whoa. This Fellowship party's gettin' out of control. Bogus...we're out of cram pizza.")

Saruman -- Billy Bob Thornton ("I like the way you incant")

And finally, as Aragorn...Jason Alexander ("Arwen's gonna think my sword is always that small. I was walking the paths of the dead -- it was shrinkage, Merry!"

Hope I didn't step on too many hairy toes!

[IronParrot]

I'm speechless...
:rollin: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :rollin:

[juntel]

Genial!

That's the best casting so far!!!

[IronParrot]

Oh man... John Goodman as Legolas... he's perfect! :p

[noldo]

For a second there I thought it sayed John Candy instead of Goodman. :eek: :

[trevkw]

How about Joe Pesci as Eomer, Leo DiCaprio as Gimli, and Emo Phillips as the voice of Treebeard?

[Earendil]

My cast for "Nightmare of the Rings"

Woody Allen as Aragorn-- " I can't lift this sword, its giving me a hernia."
Rosane Barr as Arwen-- "Quit your bitchin' Aragorn, and get out there and slew stuff." (as she grabbs her crotch)
Howard Stern as Gandalf-- "What a rack that Galadriel has."
Peewee Herman as Frodo

[trevkw]

Well, that would keep anyone from trying to grab the ring...

[Marsufo]

these are all very funny!!

How about Shaq as one of the hobbits, and Adam Sandler as Gandalf.

:)
Marsufo
(Yes, I'm new here)

[arynetrek]

we need to incorporate Jim Carrey in here somewhere...

and welcome, Marsufo!

HA HA, MODERATOR-TYPES! I BEAT Y'ALL TO THE WELCOMING!

aryne *

[IronParrot]

Without anduin here I just lack the motivation to beat everybody to the welcomings... for some reason...

And back to the topic... what if Peter Jackson said:
"We're over-budget, so instead of Ents, we got George Lucas' permission to use Ewoks... they both come from the forest - close enough!"

[juntel]

...and to pay Lucas, we'll call the LotR movies: Episode Minus 3, Episode Minus 2, Episode Minus 1


(no Episode 0... like there was no Year 0... oh no! not that "When does the new Millenium begin?" stuff again!!!)

[arynetrek]

or better yet -

get some hollywood hack to write a SW/LotR crossover!

this could be interesting - make Gollum a Gungan! and of course, after the RotK battles & mess have been cleared up, have Han reveal that his real name is Aragorn...

just typing this is sacriledge.

aryne *

[Darth Tater]

Messa wants my preciousss, okeday?

[trevkw]

They're not going to put a "Jar-Jar" in this movie, to sell plastic toys and video games to kids, are they? I'd like to be able to stomach seeing these movies more than once each.

[Quickbeam]

Gollum has the potential to be the LotR equivalent of Jar-Jar. I HOPE they don't choose to go that route, though! :eek:

[trevkw]

The Gollum character would lose *just a bit* of impact if he's CUTE, instead of wretched and piteous, doncha think?

[Quickbeam]

I'm not sure I'm following you. Are you saying that Jar-Jar is cute? I don't think so, Tim.
I meant 'equivalent' in the sense of also being a computer-generated character with distinctive mannerisms and speech patterns. What I hope is that the substance of the character will be Gollum's dominant feature in the movie, rather than the superficial physical and vocal characteristics.

[Darth Tater]

Physical and vocal characterisitcs are not superficial. We all have strange manerisms, and in animating Jar Jar ILM tried to realistically recreate those Ahmed Best created for the character. Gollum's manerisms will be inspired by the book as will his voice and I'm sure the animators will do their best to make him lifelike.

[Quickbeam]

The 'strange mannerisms' of real people happen for a reason. Not necessarily so for fictional characters, especially animated characters. Porky Pig stutters. Nobody knows (or really cares) why. It's just a device to make the character more distinctive and memorable, and there's nothing wrong with that in that kind of cartoon environment. Jar-jar is much the same with his mannerisms, which is one reason I found him so annoying. The difference bewteen Jar-jar and Yoda is that Yoda's mannerisms are the outward expression of something more, inextricably part of a deep and compelling character. Jar-jar's mannerisms, at least for me, just kind of sat there. The coherency just wasn't there, and the character wasn't believable for me the way Yoda is.
So what I'm trying to say (and forgive me for not being able to say it better) is that I hope Gollum will turn out more like Yoda than Jar-jar; that is, with his mannerisms part of a carefully constructed character, rather than just there so people will want to buy a 'Gollum action figure'. TOLKIEN'S Gollum is the former, but it's impossible to transfer all the character development of the novel into the movie (especially since Gollum was created and partially developed in an earlier, separate book). Exactly HOW Gollum is written and animated for the big screen will be crucial to whether that Gollum turns out to be the Gollum we know, or just another Jar-jar.

[anduin]

I think that was well said, QB. :)