Monty Python Meets LOTR

[Eruve]

I saw this thread on a newsgroup. The idea here is to rewrite scenes from LOTR as if Monty Python were doing the movie. There were some pretty funny ones, but if there are some Python fans here (besides me) I bet we can do just as well. Here are two of mine:

A famished Pippin goes to the butteries with Beregond to find some refreshment. Beregond: "This is the storehouse and buttery of my company of the Guard. Greetings, Targon! It is early yet, but here is a newcomer that the Lord has taken into his service. He has ridden long and far with a tight belt, and has had sore labour this morning, and he is hungry. Give us what you have!"

Targon: "We've got eggs and spam, bacon and spam, spam and spam, eggs, bacon sausage and spam..."



Tom Bombadil sings an altered song when he meets up with a desperate Frodo:

I'm Tom Bombadil, and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I work all day!

I talk to trees, I eat my lunch,
I go to the lavat'ry.
On Wednesdays I go shopping
And have buttered scones for tea.

I'm Tom Bombadil and I'm OK,
I sleep all night, I work all day!

I talk to trees, I skip and jump,
I like to press wild flowers,
I put on women's clothing
And hang around in bars....



Your turn!

[andustar]

:lol: :lol:

i'll try to see if any monty python stuff reminds me of lotr, and i'll rewrite it.

can you give us i link to the thread? it sounds funny!

[etherealunicorn]

:lol: :lol:
I love it! Python is great!
Hmm...How about this;
As Sam and Frodo hide from the orcs hunting them inside Mordor, the two orcs debate on where to search.
Orc Tracker: Nar! I'm going home. No good wearing my nose out on stones any longer. There's not a trace left, I say. They are hiding."
Soldier Orc: Not much use then, are you. Nevermind, with a bit of explosive, we can soon find out where they are hiding."
Orc Tracker: and how do we do that?
Orc Soldier: Well, there are only three thorn bushes over there...
Not great, but the only thing that leaps to mind on short notice.

Or Boromir, in trying to take the Ring from Frodo:
I'll need to take that ring from you now. I need it.
Frodo: But it isn't yours, it's mine and my hand alone will wear it.
Boromir: Suits me. Put your hand down on this rock for a moment.
Frodo: Why?
Boromir(drawing sword): Because I need that ring and since only your hand will wear it...
Frodo: But my god, I'm using that hand. Besides, if you carry my hand around, it'll start to putrify.
Boromir: Eh, what's that then?
Frodo: Putrify, you know, start to rot.
Boromir: Oh! Yeah, it would ooze a lot, hands do that, but I can live with it.

[Eruve]

andustar, I don't think I can give you a direct link that will work. I have an account with deja-news that allows me to read the newsgroups. (I managed to delete my news reader at one point, but that's another story. In my defense it was when we first got the computer...) Go to www.deja.com (http://www.deja.com) and do a power search. Search alt.fan.tolkien for Monty Python over the last three days and you should be able to fint the thread. You'll probably notice that my suggestions are some of the lamer ones...

[IronParrot]

Here's my contribution to this thread.

When the Black Riders enter the Shire by way of Buckland...

Original line: "Open, in the name of Mordor!"
New line: "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!"

[Darth Tater]

Gandalf when he first appeared after his encounter with the Balrog: "I'm not dead!"

Aragorn: "All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wander are lost, the old that is..."
Frodo: "Oh shut up!"

[IronParrot]

The Mouth of Sauron, when confronted by Gandalf and Aragorn at the gates of Barad-dur:

"Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!"

But that doesn't compare to Orcs in Moria...

"We are the Orcs who say... ni!"

Or Gollum:

"Sssspam... sssspam!"

[Eruve]

Another one:
Gimli, Legolas and Aragorn are camping along the edge of Fangorn. All of a sudden they are surprised by an old man.

Gimli: Who is it?
Legolas: It's Gandalf.
Aragorn: How do you know it's Gandalf?
Legolas: It looks like him! Well, he's got a staff...


One from Sil.
Beren is brought before Thingol for having the gall to consort with Luthien (played winsomely by Eric Idle). Thingol finds out Beren wants to marry his daughter to which he answers, "Bring me a shrubbery, and then if she will, Luthien may lay her hand in yours!"

[bmilder]

This is stupid but I just thought of it now ;)

Legolas and Gimli find Aragorn at the dead body of Boromir.

Legolas: He looks dead.
Aragorn: No, no, he's uh,...he's resting.
Gimli: Look, I know a dead human when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Aragorn: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable men, those Gondorians, huh?

:p

[etherealunicorn]

:lol: :lol: :lol:
I had forgotten about the knights who say "ni!" I'd say that works pretty well.

[The One Ring]

Frodo and Sam look up at the high tower of Cirith Ungol, high above them, when suddenly.....

*ba-dum, ba-dum bum bum*

We're orcs of the land of Mordor,
We dance along the corridor
We do routines, and cut out spleens,
And attack the good guys' border
We dine here in Cirith Ungol
We eat bread with mold quite fungal.

*dum dum dum dum dum dum da, dum dum da, dum dum da, dum dum dum dum dum dum da, dum dum dum dum daaaa*

We're orcs of the land of Mordor,
We kill when we're given the order
But many times, we're given rhymes,
That are to sing quite poor(der)
We guard here at Cirith Ungol,
And we never, ever, bungle.

*orcs tap-dance along the corridors, play tunes on each other's helmets, etc.*

All are tough and sure ter
Chop up your wife and dorter,
We kill the elves, and men themselves,
Despite the fact we're shorter,
We have fun in the land of Mordor

*an extremely fat orc gets up and sings*

I'm very rarely bored(ur)

*dum dum dum dum dum da-da, dum da-da da-dum, daaaaaa!*


Frodo: No, on second thought, let us not go to Mordor. It is a silly place.

[Eruve]

That was truely insipred!

[etherealunicorn]

:lol: :lol: :lol:
That's great! From where do you get it?

[The One Ring]

Out of my own crazed mind. I have a "talent" (if you want to call it that) for such things.... if you mean what does it come from, it's a parody of the "Knights of the Round Table" song in "Holy Grail". You know, the one that goes "We're knights of the Round Table, we dance whenever we're able....".

[IronParrot]

Man, that's good...

I have a song parody thread sitting in the depths of the ME forum... mind reposting it there?

[andustar]

whats left of the company arrives at Isenguard (or anything else with a large building)

<they all look up in wonder at the huge magnificent structure of Orthanc>
Aragorn: Isenguard!
Legolas: Isenguard!
Gimli: Isenguard!
Gandalf: Who cares, its only a model!

[Darth Tater]

Boromir and Denethor shortly before Boromir leaves for Rivendell.
Denethor: Some day son this will all be yours!
Boromir: What the curtains father?

Frodo, discussing the effects of the ring on Gollum.
Frodo: It turned him into a newt!
Sam: A newt?
Frodo: He got better

Frodo after having his finger bit off by Gollum.
Frodo: Come here and fight!
Gollum: But I bit your finger off!
Frodo: It's but a flesh wound!

[etherealunicorn]

Yes, I remember that scene, One Ring. Good one! I just meant to say that you definitely have a talent for parody. All hail! :)

[andustar]

:lol: :lol: :lol:
i love this. can anyone think of any more? (i cant!)

[IronParrot]

Here's one we seem to have missed.

Aragorn: "I never wanted to lead the company out of Moria. In fact, if I weren't of the line of Isildur I would not have become a Ranger. I would have been... a lumberjack! Leaping from tree to tree in the mighty forests of Mirkwood. With my best hobbit by my side, I'd sing, sing sing! I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay..."

Treebeard shows up, not looking very pleased.

[etherealunicorn]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Good one!

[Darth Tater]

Ok, I just got this image of Treebeard lumbering (no pun intended) through the forest going "Spam Spam Spam Spam!!!..." ;)

[Claenoic]

Gandalf: *Appears before the astonished Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli* I'm not dead!

Aragorn: Shut up, you aren't fooling anyone.

[Gwaimir Windgem]

Oh, don't be such a baby!

[Coney]

Elrond (in drag):Aragorn! What do that crowd outside want?.
Aragorn: Dunno Mum.
Crowd (chants):We want Elessar! We want Elessar!
Elrond (opens window):Look, there ain't no Elessar here.
Crowd:Oh yes there is!.....Aragorn, we want Aragorn!
Elrond:Aragorn?.....he's not the heir of Isildur!...He's just a naughty little boy!
Aragorn: Please Mum!
Elrond (looks at Arwen emerging from bedroom): Shut up my lad or you'll feel the back of my hand........And get the Elf tart out of here!

[Draken]

Aragorn enters Minas Tirith

FARAMIR: Who does he think he is?
ARAGORN: I am your king!
FARAMIR: Well, I didn't vote for you.
ARAGORN: You don't vote for kings.
FARAMIR: Well, how did you become King, then?
ARAGORN: The Lady Evenstar,...
[angels sing]
...her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Narsil from the forges of Rivendell signifying by Divine Providence that I, Aragorn, was to carry Narsil and reclaim my birthright.
[singing stops]
That is why I am your king!
DENETHOR: Listen. Strange elf women distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical sword ceremony.
ARAGORN: Be quiet!
DENETHOR: Well, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some winsome tart threw a sword at you!
ARAGORN: Shut up!
DENETHOR: I mean, if I went 'round saying I was an emperor just because some pointy-eared bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!
ARAGORN: Shut up, will you? Shut up!
DENETHOR: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.
ARAGORN: Shut up!
DENETHOR: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help! Help! I'm being repressed!
ARAGORN: Bloody peasant!
DENETHOR: Oh, what a give-away...!

[Coney]

hahahahahaha:D :D ..brilliant Draken:D

[Gwaimir Windgem]

We are the Ents who say...NI!!

[Coney]

Gandalf: YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!
Balrog: It doesn't work like that.
Gandalf: Eh?
Balrog: You ask me a question, if I get it right you gotta let me pass.
Gandalf: Oh!
Balrog: *looks smug* Ask away then.
Gandalf: Damn, alright. What is the average flying speed of an African swallow carrying a cocunut?
Balrog: *looks startled* I don't know that!
Gandalf:*smiles*
*Bridge collapses*
Gandalf: *yells into the chasm* You've got wings!! Fly you fool!!

[Elf Girl]

Your last line needs revising, Coney. It should be:

Gandalf: You don't have wings! Too bad you can't fly, fool!

:p

[Gwaimir Windgem]

Alternative:

Balrog: You fight with the strength of many men, Sir Knight. I am Balrog, Bane of Durin. I seek the finest knights in the realm to join me at my court in Camelot. Will you join me?...You make me sad, Sir Knight. Sobeit. Come Patsy.

Gandalf: None shall pass.

Balrog: What?

Gandalf: None shall pass.

Balrog:I have no quarrel with you, sir Wizard, but I must cross this bridge.

Gandalf: Then you shall die.

Balrog: I order you as Bane of Durin to stand aside!

Gandalf: I move for no Demon.

Balrog: Sobeit!

Fight ensues. Gandalf loses arm.

Balrog: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.

Gandalf: Tis but a scratch.

Balrog: A scratch?!?! You're arms off!

Gandalf: No tisn't.

Balrog: You liar!

Gandalf: Come on, ya pansy!

Fighting continues. Gandalf loses other arm

Balrog: Victory is mine! We thank thee Morgoth, that in thy villiany...

Gandalf kicks Balrog

Balrog: What the?

Gandalf: Have at you!

Balrog: You are indeed brave, sir Wizard, but the fight is mine!

Gandalf: Oh, had enough, eh?

Balrog: Look you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left!

Gandalf: Yes, I have.

Balrog: Look!

Gandalf: Just a flesh wound.

Balrog: Look, stop that!

Gandalf: Chicken! Chicken!

Balrog: Look, I'll have your leg! Right!

*Thwonck!*

Gandalf: Right, I'll do you for that!

Balrog: You'll what?!?!?

Gandalf: Come 'ere!

Balrog: What are ya gonna do, bleed on me?!?

Gandalf: I'm invincible!!!

Balrog: You're a loony!

Gandalf: The Istari always triumph! Have at you! Come on, then!

*Thwonck!*

Gandalf: All right, we'll call it a draw.

Balrog: Come Patsy.

Gandalf: Oh, I see! Running away, eh? You yellow bastard! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!

[Insidious Rex]

Ugluck: Theres trouble at the tower.
Grishnack: Oh no! What sort of trouble?
Ugluck: One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treddle.
[B]Grishnack: Pardon?
Ugluck: One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treddle.
Grishnack: I dont understand what yer saying.
Ugluck: One of the cross beams has gone out askew on the treddle!
Grishnack: But what on earth does that mean?
Ugluck: I dont know. They just told me to come in here and say there was trouble at the tower, thats all. I didnt expect a kind of Nazgul Inquisition.
Nazgul Ximinez: (slidding in suddenly) NOBODY expects the Nazgul Inquisition!! Our chief weapon is winged beasts... winged beasts and poisoned swords... our TWO weapons are winged beasts and poisoned swords... and rutheless efficiency. Our three weapons are winged beasts poisoned swords rutheless efficiency and an almost fanatical devotion to Sauron!... our four weapons... no... amongst our weapons... amongst our weaponary are such elements as winged beasts, poisoned swords.... bugger!..... right Ill come in again.... (walking out)

[Gwaimir Windgem]

And nice black robes! :D

[ArwenEvenstar]

Cirdan and his Elves sing the Accountancy Shanty (http://www.mwscomp.com/sound/html) (it's the first one under the .Mp3 songs


So I like Hobbits
I like Hobbits
They only come up to your knees
Yet they're wise and they're witty
And they're ready to please

I know that sucks but ya know

[FrodoFriend]

Umm, just ignore this, please, I couldn't delete it.

[FrodoFriend]

LOL!!! Great thread!!

I was thinking the same thing as Coney, but more like this:

Gandalf to Balrog: YOU SHALL NOT PASS!! . . . Until you answer me these questions three!

Here's another:

Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas in Fangorn when they first see Gandalf, before they know who he is.
Aragorn: Might we know your name, and then hear what it is that you have to say to us?
Gandalf: There are some that call me . . . Tim.

[Narsil's Master]

rewrite the cavetroll in moria from fotr as the evil bunny

[ArwenEvenstar]

lol, the cavetroll is a good idea

[Gwaimir Windgem]

Hmm, somehow the cute fluffy little cave-troll doesn't work for me... :confused:

[Insidious Rex]

Originally posted by Gwaimir Windgem
Hmm, somehow the cute fluffy little cave-troll doesn't work for me... :confused:

*laugh* yeah thats what I was thinking. Maybe if we made Smaug into a kitten or something then it would follow the same general theme. Watch out its a fierce fire breathing kitten!

[Cirdan]

Aragorn pases peasants:
"He must be the king!

"How can you tell?"

"Because he hasn't got **** all over him."

[ArwenEvenstar]

We are the Nazgul who say NI !!!

[Falagar]

In order to be...pass you must give us a...ring! A Ring!

[Gwaimir Windgem]

One that looks nice! And not too expensive! :D

[Evenstar1400]

i dunno if these have been done before but in TTT...

Gandalf whistles for shadowfax, and soon you hear hoofbeats along the ground. Over the hill appears.... a hobbit, bearing a large backpack and coconuts in hand!

As Gandalf appears in all his glory before Aragorn Legolas and Gimli the three break out into an argument.

Aragorn: Who is that?
Gimli: I dunno!
Legolas: Well... that shiny light and the staff could mean hes a wizard!
Gimli: Well how can we know for sure?
Aragorn: (ponders for a moment) Easy! If he floats!
Gimli and Legolas: WHAT?
Aragorn: Well... wizards float... right?
Gimli and Legolas: Well... yes.
Aragorn: So we have to prove that he can float!
Legolas: Well how do we do that? There isnt any water nearby!
Aragorn: uh.... we could weigh him!
Gimli: Well how do we know he weighs less than water?
Aragorn: We weigh him with something that floats!
Legolas: Do we have anything that floats?
Gimli: Wood floats!
Legolas: We cant cut branches off these trees or we will be pounded by ents!
Aragorn: So we'll weigh him with a duck!
Gimli: Where are we goin to get a duck!
Aragorn: We shall use THE HOLY DUCK OF GONDOR!
(Aragorn removes duck from pack, duck shines with a holy light, sets duck on large set of scales that appears out of midair)
Aragorn: Mr. whoeveryouare, kindly sit on this side of the scale!
(Mr. whoeveryouare sits on scales, rocks back and forth, stops moving and...)
Legolas: Hes a wizard!
Gimli: But that still doesnt prove who he is!

[ArwenEvenstar]

Eomer and co. are just leaving Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas. He gives them 6 coconut haves.


In FOTR when Frodo almost gets speared by the orc cheiftain Sam starts sobbing
Sam: He's dead
Strider: No he's not
Sam: yes he is
Strider: he's not dead he's uhh.. Sleeping
Sam: This hobbit sir is dead
Sam picks up Frodo and whacks across the side of a wall
Strider: he was waking up and you just stunned him
Sam: whatever
They carry him out mourning etc;...
Frodo yawns and says:
I'm hungry

Not very close to the script but it's sorta good right???

[Evenstar1400]

its still pretty good!

heres another one......

the uruk hai arrive at helms deep using coconuts as armor.
Aragorn: where did you get the coconuts?
Uruk Hai: we found them by the side of the road!
Aragorn: coconuts dont grow in middle earth!
Uruk Hai: well... maybe a swallow brought it!
Aragorn: a swallow? a gondorian swallow is too small to carry such a burden!
Uruk Hai: well.... maybe a grey havien swallow dropped it!
Aragorn: theres no such thing!
Uruk Hai: yes there is!
Aragorn: no there isnt!
Uruk Hai: yes there is!
Aragorn: no there isnt!
Uruk Hai: yes there is!
Aragorn: no there isnt!
Uruk Hai: yes there is!
Aragorn: no there isnt! ....................

[Insidious Rex]

Uruk Hai: yes there is!
Aragorn: no there isnt.
Uruk Hai: Look this isnt an argument!
Aragorn: Yes it is.
Uruk Hai: No it isnt! Its just a contradiction!
Aragorn: No it isnt.
Uruk Hai: Yes it is.
Aragorn: It is not.
Uruk Hai: It is. You just contradicted me.
Aragorn: No I didnt.
Uruk Hai: Ooh, You Did!
Aragorn: No, no, no, no, no.
Uruk Hai: You did, just then.
Aragorn: No, nonsense!
Uruk Hai: Oh, look this is futile!
Aragorn: No it isnt.
Uruk Hai: I came here for a good argument.
Aragorn: No you didnt, you came her for an argument.
Uruk Hai: Well, an argument's not the same as contradiction.
Aragorn: It can be.
Uruk Hai: No it cant! An argument is a connected series of statements to establish a definite proposition.
Aragorn: No it isnt.
Uruk Hai: Yes its is. It isnt just contradiction.
Aragorn: Look, if I argue with you I must take up a contrary position.
Uruk Hai: But it isnt just saying 'No it isnt'.
Aragorn: Yes it is.
Uruk Hai: No it isnt! Argument is an intellectual process... contradictioin is just the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says.
Aragorn: No it isnt.
Uruk Hai: Yes it is.
Aragorn: Not at all.
Uruk Hai: Now look....
Aragorn: *ringing bell* Thank you. good morning.
Uruk Hai: What?
Aragorn: Thats it. Good morning.
Uruk Hai: But I was just getting interested.
Aragorn: Sorry the five minutes is up.
Uruk Hai: That was never five minutes just now!
Aragorn: I'm afraid it was.
Uruk Hai: No it wasnt.
Aragorn: ........I'm sorry. I'm not allowed to argue anymore.
Uruk Hai: What!?
Aragorn: If you want me to go on arguing youll have to pay for another five minutes.
Uruk Hai: But that was never five minutes just now! Oh come on!
This is rediculous.
Aragorn: I'm very sorry, but I told you I'm not allowed to argue unless youve paid.
Uruk Hai: Oh all right! There you are.
Aragorn: Thank you.
Uruk Hai: Well?
Aragorn: Well what?
Uruk Hai: That was never five minutes just now.
Aragorn: I told you I'm not allowed to argue unless youve paid.
Uruk Hai: Ive just paid!
Aragorn: No you didnt.
Uruk Hai: I did! I did! I did!
Aragorn: No you didnt.
Uruk Hai: Look I dont want to argue about that.
Aragorn: Well Im very sorry but you didnt pay.
Uruk Hai: Aha! Well if i didnt pay why are you arguing?....got you!
Aragorn: No you havent.
Uruk Hai: Yes I have. If you are arguing I must have paid.
Aragorn: Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.
Uruk Hai: Ive had enough of this.
Aragorn: No you havent.
Uruk Hai: Shut up!

[Dunadan]

:D

That bears a signficant resemblance to certain threads round here...

Frodo scrawling on the walls of Cirith Ungol.
Shagrat: "The people called orcs they go the house??"
Frodo: "eerrr it says Orcs go Home"
Shagrat: "No it doesn't. What's the orcish for orc?"
Frodo: "errrrr.."
Shagrat: "come on, come on.."

etcg

[ArwenEvenstar]

NINE NINE

(from the hilter sketch)

[niobeisme]

i think y'all are doing fine on pythonizing the movies and since i don't think i can contribute much of value in the way of originality, i'd like to contribute 3 scenes actually in the movies that can stand as is. my mind went directly to monty python when i saw these, and it hasn't wavered after seeing them multiple times each---

--FOTR: the old, grimy gatekeeper at bree who opens the spy hole and is immediately flattened by the wraiths

--FOTR: gimli's helmet hitting the edge of the tomb as he is sighing in sorrow over balin's death ("Ah!!!.....clunk!)

--TTT: the silly-running-in-random-directions-and-hitting-people-in-macho-style scene which occurs as gandalf walks toward theoden (aragorn, legolas and, of course, gimli)

[Insidious Rex]

WHAT RELIGION WOULD BE LIKE IF SAURON HAD WON

EVIL PRIEST
And spotteth twice they the Balrogs before the third age. And so the Southrons went forth to Ram Gilead in Kadesh Bilgemath by Shor Ethra Regalion, to the house of Gash-Bil-Betheul-Bazda, he who brought the butter dish to Balshazar and the tent peg to the house of Rashomon, and there slew they the goats, yea, and placed they the bits in little pots. Here endeth the lesson.
[Evil Priest closes the Book of Sauron. the Evil Chaplain rises.]

CHAPLAIN
Let us praise Sauron. Oh Lord...

CONGREGATION
Oh Lord...

CHAPLAIN
Ooooh you are so big...

CONGREGATION
Ooooh you are so big...

CHAPLAIN
So absolutely huge.

CONGREGATION
So ab - solutely huge.

CHAPLAIN
Gosh, we're all really impressed down here I can tell you.

CONGREGATION
Gosh, we're all really impressed down here I can tell you.

CHAPLAIN
Forgive Us, O Lord, for this dreadful toadying.

CONGREGATION
And barefaced flattery.

CHAPLAIN
But you are so strong and, well, just so super.

CONGREGATION
Fan - tastic.

[The congregation rises and the Evil Chaplain leads them in singing.]

CHAPLAIN AND CONGREGATION
Oh Lord, please don't burn us,
Don't grill or toast your flock,
Don't put us on the barbecue,
Or simmer us in stock,
Don't braise or bake or boil us,
Or stir-fry us in a wok...

Oh please don't lightly poach us,
Or baste us with hot fat,
Don't fricassee or roast us,
Or boil us in a vat,
And please don't stick thy servants Lord,
In a Rotissomat...


Hee hee… its amazing how little I had to change this from its original catholic church format. Makes you wonder…

[Fimbrethil]

I think people might have done this so if they have forgive me.

Aragorn gets his arm cut off and replies to the Orc who did it: Tis but a flesh wound!
the orc cuts another arm off and a leg
Aragorn then says: I've had worse!
The Orc replies what are you going to do blead on me.
He then cuts off Aragorns other leg and runs away.
Aragorns yells back thats right run away you coward come back here and I'll bit your kneecaps!

[Elvellyn]

This is all too funny.
Sorry,I cant think of any right now. These are great.
(haha Jennifer I have found you again *really evil laugh*)

[Cirdan]

Samwise Hello, I wish to register a complaint...Hello? Miss?
Snaga What do you mean, miss?
Samwise Oh I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
Snaga Sorry, we're closing for lunch.
Samwise Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this Hobbit what I rescued not half an hour ago from this very tower.
Snaga Oh yes, the, the Perrinath Blue. What's wrong with it?
Samwise I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
Snaga No, no, it's resting, look!
Samwise Look my lad, I know a dead Hobbit when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Snaga No no sir. it's not dead. It's resting!
Samwise Resting?
Snaga Yeah, remarkable creature, the Perrinath Blue, beautiful hair, innit?
Samwise The plumage don't enter into it - it's stone dead.
Snaga No, no - it's just resting!
Samwise All right then, if it's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouts into cage) Hello Frodo! I've got a nice piece of lembas for you when you wake up, Frodo Hobbit!
Snaga (jogging the cage) There, it moved!
Samwise No, he didn't. That was you pushing the cage!
Snaga I did not.
Samwise Yes, you did! (takes Hobbit out of cage, shouts) Hello Frodo, Frodo (bangs it against the counter) Frodo Hobbit, wake up. Frodo. (throws it in the air and lets it fall to the floor) Now that's what I call a dead Hobbit.
Snaga No, no. It's stunned.
Samwise Look my lad, I've had just about enough of this. That Hobbit is definitely deceased. And when I bought it not half an hour ago, you assured me that its lack of movement was due to it being tired and shagged out after a long walk.
Snaga It's probably pining for the Shire.
Samwise Pining for the Shire, what kind of talk is that? Look, why did it fall flat on its back the moment I got it outside?
Snaga The Perrinath Blue prefers kipping on it's back! Beautiful creature, lovely hair!
Samwise Look, I took the liberty of examining that Hobbit, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting in its cell in the first place was that it had been nailed there.
Snaga Well of course it was nailed there. Otherwise it would muscle up to those bars and voom.
Samwise Look matey (picks up the Hobbit) this Hobbit wouldn't voom if you put four thousand volts through it! It's bleedin' demised!
Snaga It's not, it's pining!
Samwise It's not pining, it's passed on. This Hobbit is no more! It has ceased to be. It's expired and gone to meet Eru.This is a late Hobbit. It's a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. If you hadn't nailed it to the cell wall it would be pushing up the daisies. It's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an ex-Hobbit.
Snaga Well, I'd better replace it, then.
Samwise (to camera) If you want to get anything done in this country you've got to complain till you're blue in the mouth.
Snaga Sorry guv, we're right out of Hobbits.
Samwise I see. I see. I get the picture.
Snaga (pause) I got a Warg.
Samwise Does it talk?
Snaga Not really, no.
Samwise Well, it's scarcely a replacement, then is it?
Snaga Listen, I'll tell you what, (handing over a card) tell you what, if you go to Sauron's shop in Lugburz he'll replace your Hobbit for you.
Samwise Lugburz eh?
Snaga Yeah.
Samwise All right.

[Coney]

ROFLMFAO!!!........BRILLIANT!!:D :D :D

[azalea]

That was great, Cirdan! I love that sketch.

[Insidious Rex]

*clapping* fantastic! pining for the shire. *laugh* thats definitely an A+ right there.

[Cirdan]

Frodo Morning
Galadriel Morning
Frodo What have you got, then?
Galadriel Well, there's egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and Lembas; egg, bacon and Lembas; egg, bacon, sausage and Lembas; Lembas, bacon, sausage and Lembas; Lembas, egg, Lembas, Lembas, bacon and Lembas; Lembas, Lembas, Lembas, egg and Lembas; Lembas, Lembas, Lembas, Lembas, Lembas, Lembas, baked beans, Lembas, Lembas, Lembas and Lembas; or Lobster thermidor aux crevettes with a mornay sauce garnished with truffle pâté, brandy and with a fried egg on top and Lembas.
Sam Have you got anything without Lembas in it?
Galadriel Well, there's Lembas egg sausage and Lembas, that's not got much Lembas in it.
Sam I don't want ANY Lembas!
Frodo Why can't he have egg, bacon, Lembas and sausage?
Sam That's got Lembas in it!
Frodo Not as much as Lembas, egg, sausage and Lembas.
Sam Look, could I have egg, bacon, Lembas and sausage without the Lembas.
Galadriel Uuuuuuggggh!
Sam What d'you mean uuugggh! I don't like Lembas
Teleris (singing) Lembas, Lembas, Lembas, Lembas, Lembas ... Lembas, Lembas, Lembas, Lembas ... lovely Lembas, wonderful Lembas ...
Brief stock shot of a Teleri ship.
Galadriel Shut up. Shut up! Shut up! You can't have egg, bacon, Lembas and sausage without the Lembas.
Sam Why not!
Galadriel No, it wouldn't be egg, bacon, Lembas and sausage, would it.
Sam I don't like Lembas!
Frodo Don't make a fuss, dear. I'll have your Lembas. I love it. I'm having Lembas, Lembas, Lembas, Lembas, Lembas ...
Teleris (singing) Lembas, Lembas, Lembas, Lembas ...
Frodo ... baked beans, Lembas, Lembas and Lembas.
Galadriel Baked beans are off.
Frodo Well can I have Lembas instead?
Galadriel You mean Lembas, Lembas, Lembas, Lembas, Lembas, Lembas, Lembas, Lembas, Lembas, Lembas?
Teleris (still singing) Lembas, Lembas, Lembas, Lembas ... (etc.)
Frodo Yes.
Galadriel Arrggh!
Teleris .. . lovely Lembas, wonderful, Lembas.
Galadriel Shut up! Shut up!
The Teleris shut up momentarily. Enter the Sindarin.
Sindarin Great boobies, ninnyhammer, my lower intestine is full of Lembas, egg, Lembas, bacon, Lembas, tomato, Lembas ...
Teleris (starting up again) Lembas, Lembas, Lembas, Lembas ...
Galadriel Shut up

[Coney]

*can't type.......tears running down face*:D :D :D :D :D :cool:

[Cirdan]

Elrond Anyway, about the Fellowship..
Frodo Well I saw your haven in the mountains and I've been on tours several times, you see, and I decided that this was for me, to destroy the ring.
Elrond Ah good.
Frodo Yes I quite agree with you, I mean what's the point of being treated like a sheep, I mean I'm fed up with going abroad and being treated like a sheep, what's the point of being carted around in buses surrounded by sweaty mindless oafs from Bree and Hardbottle in their cloth caps and their cardigans and their transistor radios and their 'Sunday Mirrors', complaining about the tea, 'Oh they don't make it properly here do they not like at home' stopping at Majorcan bodegas, selling fish and chips and Biblo’s Old Winyard and calamares and two veg and sitting in cotton sun frocks squirting Timothy White's suncream all over their puffy raw swollen purulent flesh cos they 'overdid it on the first day'!
Elrond (agreeing patiently) Yes. Absolutely, yes, I quite agree...
Frodo And being herded into endless Mines, and Towers, Ruins and Havens with their international luxury modern flets and their Biblo’s Old Winyard and their swimming pools full of fat Dunlending businessmen pretending they're acrobats and forming pyramids and frightening the children and barging in to the queues and if you're not at your table spot on seven you miss your bowl of Maggots's Cream of Mushroom soup, the first item on the menu of Middle Earth Cuisine, and every Thursday night there's a bloody cabaret in the bar featuring some tiny emaciated gollum with nine-inch hips and some big fat bloated tart with her hair brylcreemed down and a big arse presenting Flamenco for Foreigners.
Elrond (beginning to get fed up) Yes, yes, now...
Frodo And then some adenoidal typists from Bracegirdle with diarrhoea and flabby white legs and hairy bandy-legged wop waiters called Manuel, and then, once a week there's an excursion to the local Eridorian ruins where you can buy cherryade and melted ice cream and bleedin' Biblo’s Old Winyard, and one night they take you to a local restaurant with local colour and colouring and they show you there and you sit next to a party of people from Edoras who keeps singing 'Torremolinos, Torremolinos' and complaining about the food - 'Oh! It's so greasy isn't it?' and then you get cornered by some drunken greengrocer from the Shire with an Instamatic and Dr Scholl sandals and last Tuesday's 'Daily Express' and he drones on and on and on about how Mr. Elessar should be running this country and how many languages Gandalf can speak and then he throws up all over the Pipeweed.
Elrond Will you be quiet please.
Frodo And sending tinted postcards of places they don't know they haven't even visited, 'to all at number 22, weather wonderful, our room is marked with an "X". Wish you were here.'
Elrond Shut up.
Frodo 'Food very greasy but we have managed to find this marvellous little place hidden away in the back streets.'
Elrond Shut up!
Frodo 'Where you can even get Biblo’s Old Winyard and cheese and onion...'
Elrond Shut up!!!
Frodo '...crisps and the accordionist plays "Maybe it's because I'm a Breer"' and spending four days on the boat on the Anduin on a five-day package tour with nothing to eat but dried Lembas....
Elrond Shut your bloody gob! I've had enough of this, I'm going to ring the police.

[Insidious Rex]

Originally posted by Cirdan
Brief stock shot of a Teleri ship.

this is too funny

[Coney]

*dead*

*happy*

*but dead*:D

[Cirdan]

They (http://www.ibras.dk/montypython/justthewords.htm) did the hard part for me.:D

[Dunadan]

Those are truly awesome.:D

How about (sorry - it's the opening bit for your last one):

THORIN: (knocks on door of Bag End) Good evening.
BILBO: Oh good evening.
*Slightly awkward silence*
BILBO: Do you want to come upstairs?
THORIN: What?
BILBO: (with alluring voice) Do you want to come upstairs?
THORIN: errr
BILBO: (suddenly looks all serious) Oh, have you come about the thief?
THORIN: Er, yes, to hire a thief. What's all this about coming upstairs?
BILBO: Oh, er, ha ha, nothing. Come in, come in. (shouts) Gandalf!

[Insidious Rex]

Originally posted by Cirdan
They (http://www.ibras.dk/montypython/justthewords.htm) did the hard part for me.:D

:eek: hey i have these books but they are actual BOOKS. i had to type mine in by hand. :rolleyes:

[Cirdan]

Originally posted by Insidious Rex
:eek: hey i have these books but they are actual BOOKS. i had to type mine in by hand. :rolleyes:
Neccessity may be the mother of invention but laziness is the father.:D

[azalea]

How about a good MP cartoon of Sauron's eye flaming and making a grumbly noise and then a big finger comes out of no where and pokes it?
Or a cartoon of the Fellowship entering Moria and facing the Balrog, then the giant foot comes down *squash*

[niobeisme]

If someone wants to take these and run ... :D

Aragorn & Lurtz (as Aragorn is chopping off arm and head--movie)--"It's only a flesh wound ..." from Holy Grail

A wraith instead of Death at the party where people died from bad canned salmon (next to last scene in Meaning of Life)

Orcs (choose your own scene) --"Can we have your liver, then?"

Dead Balrog = Dead Parrot bit.

And, I would love for OneRing or someone with talent for song parody to take on the song Eric Idle sings from Meaning of Life when they open the ice box and he's up in space--"Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving ..."

Peace!

[Fimbrethil]

I haven't had a chance to read all of these so if I'm redoing secenes please tell me.

Aragorn and his army are seen lying behind a hill in front of Mordor with Gandalf explaining something.
Gandalf:So you see Aragorn we wait till they're all asleep. Then you and I shall jump out taking them completly by surprise!
Aragorn:Right! Now who's supposed to jump out?
Gandalf:You and I......(relizing his mistake).
Suddenly you see a huge badger flying through the air. And it lands on Hama(who has already died several times and come back to life).

[Fimbrethil]

I haven't had a chance to read all of these so if I'm redoing secenes please tell me.

Aragorn and his army are seen lying behind a hill in front of Mordor with Gandalf explaining something.
Gandalf:So you see Aragorn we wait till they're all asleep. Then you and I shall jump out taking them completly by surprise!
Aragorn:Right! Now who's supposed to jump out?
Gandalf:You and I......(relizing his mistake).
Suddenly you see a huge badger flying through the air. And it lands on Hama(who has already died several times and come back to life).
Later you see you see Frodo and Sam running from the friece Rabbit!!

:D
I thought these were pretty good.

[Nurvingiel]

Aragorn:The place is Minas Anor. The year is 2.
Voice: Third Age?
Aragorn:Of course it's the Third Age. You don't have to say it's the Third Age. I’m trying to tell you about Isildur here! I mean, they didn't have “Fourth Age” written on the Red Book of Westmarch, I mean no one is going to say at Yuletide "Welcome to 172 Fourth Age" It's 2.
Voice: The Two Trees?
Aragorn:No, it's not not the Two Trees, it's 2, the year!
Voice: Second Age then?
Aragorn:No, it's not likely to be the Second Age anyway. Nothing happened in 2 Second Age. Well, not in Minas Anor. Ah, all right, in Lindon...
Voice: In Mithlond, then?
Aragorn:...in Mithlond, yes absolutely, but I didn't say "The place is Mithlond. The year is.." Hang on, hang on, wait, look, we gotta sort this out. This is background, it's important material, and it's new, it's a totally new link, they won't understand a word of it, you know, if you fade me out now. (fade)



Thanks to Monty Python, Final Rip-Off - Introduction (http://www.ibras.dk/montypython/finalripoff.htm#Intro) and The Encyclopedia of Arda (http://www.glyphweb.com/arda/default.htm). :D

[ItalianLegolas]

Orc: We could build a giant, wooden Wolf my Lord!
Sauron: SHUT UP!!! WILL YOU SHUT UP!! BLOODY ORC!!

[Nurvingiel]

Hehe... :D This one isn't quite as creative as my last one, but Eärniel inspired me in the "Why burglar" thread...

Bilbo Baggins: Morning!
Bard of Laketown: Morning!
Bilbo: Well, what've you got?
Bard: Well, there's egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and cram; egg bacon and cram; egg bacon sausage and cram; cram bacon sausage and cram; cram egg cram cram bacon and cram; cram sausage cram cram cram bacon cram tomato and cram;
Elves of Mirkwood: (starting to chant) Cram cram cram cram...
Bard: ...cram cram cram egg and cram; cram cram cram cram cram cram baked beans cram cram cram...
Elves: (singing) Cram! Lovely cram! Lovely cram!
Bard: ...or Lobster Thermidor a Crevette with a mornay sauce served in a Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle paté, brandy and with a fried egg on top and cram.
Thorin Oakenshield: Have you got anything without cram?
Bard: Well, there's cram egg sausage and cram, that's not got much cram in it.
Thorin: I don't want ANY cram!
Bilbo: Why can't he have egg bacon cram and sausage?
Thorin: THAT'S got cram in it!
Bilbo: Hasn't got as much cram in it as cram egg sausage and cram, has it?
Elves: Cram cram cram cram (crescendo through next few lines)
Thorin: Could you do the egg bacon cram and sausage without the cram then?
Bard: Urgghh!
Thorin: What do you mean 'Urgghh'? I don't like cram!
Elves: Lovely cram! Wonderful cram!
Bard: Shut up!
Elves: Lovely cram! Wonderful cram!
Bard: Shut up! (Elves stop) Bloody Elves! You can't have egg bacon cram and sausage without the cram.
Thorin: I DON'T LIKE CRAM!
Bilbo: Sshh, Thorin, don't cause a fuss. I'll have your cram. I love it. I'm having cram cram cram cram cram cram cram beaked beans cram cram cram and cram!
Elves: (singing) Cram cram cram cram. Lovely cram! Wonderful cram!
Bard: Shut up!! Baked beans are off.
Bilbo: Well could I have his cram instead of the baked beans then?
Bard: You mean cram cram cram cram cram cram cram cram cram cram cram and cram!
Elves: (singing) Cram cram cram cram. Lovely cram! Wonderful cram! Lovely cram! Wonderful cram! Cram spa-a-a-a-a-am cram spa-a-a-a-a-am cram. Lovely cram! Lovely cram! Lovely cram! Lovely cram! Lovely cram! Cram cram cram cram!