Tolkien jokes

[GrayMouser]

Thought there was a thread on this from way back, but couldn't find it in the archives.

Jokes about Middle-Earth, not humor from Tolkien- new, old, shaggy, puns....just adapt them to LoTR and let them fly.

One I first heard many moons ago, and I'm sure I've posted before...

Q: How many Elves does it take to change a light bulb?

A: They don't change it; they just sit around in the dark singing sad songs about the Glory of the Light That Was.

[GrayMouser]

And a couple of my own (maybe you can tell)

Bert, Tom and Bill have finally decided they're going to roast Thorin Oakenshield & Co. when they hear a crashing and banging coming through the woods.

"Sounds like another troll," says Bert. "Why, it's Bruce Huggins, our long-lost cousin from Australia."

"G'day, mates," says Bruce, "Yea, I just got in from Down Under and I'm famished. Whatcher cookin'? Man-flesh?"

"No," says Tom, "Dwarves. They're like Men, but I'm afraid they're a lot smaller. Still want one?"

"No worries, mate," says Bruce, "Toss another shrimp on the barbie."
.........


And from Narnia:

Trumpkin and Reepicheep walk into a bar, and the bartender says "What are you doing hanging out with that hairy little rat?"

So Trumpkin says "He's not a rat, he's a Talking Mouse."

And the bartender says "I was Talking to the Mouse."

....Thank you, thank you, I'll be appearing at the Prancing Pony all this week...

[Keith K]

Okay, I'll give this thread a shot...

Q: What do you call a wise man of Rohan with a happy wife?

A: A Cunning Eorlingas. :p

(groan, sorry)...

[Gwaimir Windgem]

Okay, I'll give this thread a shot...

Q: What do you call a wise man of Rohan with a happy wife?

A: A Cunning Eorlingas. :p

(groan, sorry)...


*second and a half of incomprehension*

*mouths the punch line*

OH! :eek: :p

[Keith K]

*second and a half of incomprehension*

*mouths the punch line*

OH! :eek: :p

Yeah, they even had a smiley for it!

[Keith K]

How 'bout limericks?

There was a young hobbit from Scary
whose feet just wouldn't get hairy.
His shame went away
when he strapped on toupees,
After that he was quite ordinary.

[the insane one]

Why do you not see the eaves of fanghorn on the tv.

It got axed.

very sorry, that was the best i could do

[Serenoli]

I love this thread, why isn't it continuing...

and i loved ur joke, insane one :D

[Insidious Rex]

A human, an elf, a hobbit and a dwarf walk into a bar. The bartender asks what they want. The human asks for a lager and the bar tender pours it for him. The elf asks for a fruity drink and the bartender makes it for him. The hobbit says he doesnt care as long as it comes in a whole pint so the bartender gets him a pint of something. And the dwarf says he wants a mug of good ale to which the bartender replies, "sorry pal. We dont serve miners here..."

[Lefty Scaevola]

To enter the Tower of Ecthelion, one has to pass through a series of doors. When young Eomer was visiting Minas Tirith, Boromir took him to the tower and taught the ritual for entering. They go through the first door and a normal walk, they march through the 2nd, they goosestep throught the third, they hopt through the 4th, they do a John Cleese silly walk through the 5th, when they get to 6th, Eomer ask how many further doors are there, and why can't we just walk in. Boromir says "One does not simply walk into more doors".

[GrayMouser]

Well, I'm glad to see I'm not the only one so warped.

Only one I've come up with lately is another Narnia one:

Guy walks into the High Court of Narnia, King Edmund the Just presiding, and demands to be allowed to file an anti-discrimination lawsuit:

"How come only Sons of Adam and Daughters of Eve can be Kings and Queens of Narnia?"

"Two problems", says Edmund. "First of all, these laws were laid down by Aslan, who is All-Wise and All-just, and secondly, I can plainly see you're human- you don't have standing; nobody's discriminating against you."

"I'm just like the White Witch", says the fellow."Not a drop of Human blood in me. My father was a minotaur, and my mother was a centaur. I inherited my human-looking bottom half from my father, and my human-looking top half from my mother."

"Anyway", he continues," I'm filing this case on behalf of my brother who's standing next to me here. As you can see, he received a different genetic heritage from our parents, and he says nothing can stop him from filing this lawsuit- he doesn't care about your dumb Aslan or his stupid laws."


"Well", says King Edmund, stroking his beard judiciously, "I can plainly see he's a bull-headed horse's ass...."

[GrayMouser]

Okay, I'll give this thread a shot...

Q: What do you call a wise man of Rohan with a happy wife?

A: A Cunning Eorlingas. :p

(groan, sorry)...

Never would have dared to go for that, but...:thumb:

[Rían]

You guys! :D

Nice thread, GM!

[Thorir Orcbane]

Q: Why didn't Gandalf ride Gwaihir over the Crack of Doom?

A: Because Gwaihir was just a big chicken!

[Tinman]

Why did the hobbit blush when he met bilbo?

Because he's dyslexic.

:eek:

[Thorir Orcbane]

Why did the hobbit blush when he met bilbo?

Because he's dyslexic.

:eek:

Heh?

[thekingofgondor]

One of my favorite jokes from the books themselves (specifically the end of the Return of the King) is after the Scouring of the Shire, when the Hobbits are rebuilding everything, and Tolkien describes the process of coming up with a new name for the reconstructed Bagshot Row, and after saying that they finally settled on simply "New Row," he says how "it was a purely Bywater joke to refer to it as Sharkey's End." (Seeing as it was right near where Saruman met his gruesome end by the hand of Wormtongue slicing open his throat.)

[Midge]

Why did the hobbit blush when he met bilbo?

Because he's dyslexic.

:eek:

I get it. I kind of wish I didn't. I thought dyslexia was just switching around letters, not seeing letters backwards (hint hint).

Also it might make a little more sense if he read about bilbo.