Eärniel's short stories

[Earniel]

[EDIT 11/01/2010: I've bundled all threads about my stories for (I admit, mostly mine) convenience. I wanted to keep taps on what I publish where so the texts have been removed.]


This story was originally written for the Entmoot Anthology. It was beta-d by the lovely Tanoliel. Since the anthology sadly enough bit the dust, I thought I could as well post it here. It is the first story that I ever wrote and finished since essays in secondary school some years ago.

[Earniel]

text deleted

[Lief Erikson]

That was a very neat story. It to some respect reminded me of the North American Indians. Those cats just had that kind of feel, to me. The story held my attention very well.

[Lizra]

What a nice story Earniel! It would have been perfect for the anthology! :( I wonder where Entlover has been of late...she should read it. :) I must know...how do you pronounce "tawrhee"? A good little story. :)

[Beruthiel's cat]

This is one of those stories I wish I'd have thought of!!!

It's too bad there isn't an anthology for this. It's absolutely great! Has a real English/Irish legendary feel to it. *sigh*

I posted a tale "A Story Rejected" some time ago. I tried to create a myth there as well. Take a look (if you haven't already) and let me know what you think.

Very nice job!!

[Arat-Falathion]

Very nice story, Eärniel! It sucked me in right from the first mentioning of these mysterious cats, and the interest remained to the very end. Hurray for you ;)

[Earniel]

Originally posted by Lizra
I wonder where Entlover has been of late...she should read it. :) I must know...how do you pronounce "tawrhee"? A good little story. :)

Since I had sent it, Entlover did read it. :) She advised me to get it published.

I don't pronounce Tawrhee in any special way, so I suppose any way of pronouncing it is okay.


Thanks for all the really nice comments, people. Now I feel all happy. :D

[Lizra]

Good!(Entlover read it) I guess it's "tauree" then. :) What kind of sound do they make...chirpy or meowy? I mean, besides the telepathic thing...Sorry, I'm being a dork! ;)

[Earniel]

LOL! :D

I'm going for 'meowy' since they're technically still cats. ;)

[Earniel]

[Text has been removed]

[Earniel]

[Text has been removed]

[Earniel]

All comments about grammar, language, style, story and what not are appreciated. You can say in all honesty what you think of this short story of mine.

[Lief Erikson]

I really like the description. I wish I knew more about the horse, but I guess I'm all right with the amount of knowledge that is revealed. It would require a longer story to do much more. There's a lot left unexplained though, I feel at the end.

However, I really do like the description. The pictures of the man riding, the descriptions of his experience, the whole way the story is written is very well done. I love the writing style. No grammar errors leapt out at me, but I wasn't really looking for them.

On the whole, I felt this was very well done :).

[Earniel]

I'm glad you liked. :)

Short stories are easier to get the sentences 'just right' the way you want it. Even though this particular story was written in one go and has undergone surprisingly little editing. Usually I rewrite and rewrite and then edit some more. :p

What elements in particular do you feel I should have explained more? What do you think is lacking?

[Lief Erikson]

Well . . . I guess my dissatisfaction stems mainly from the last paragraph of Matthews' letter.

"So this is my legacy to you, Mark: the tale and -as I hope- the blessing of this strange, timeless creature that I saw that night in the mist. Remember me the next time you look upon the Rohenthin forest clad in night-mist. And perchance, you might see one of us."

It's a very good paragraph. It just leaves the story open for more to happen next. They don't know where the creature comes from, why it contacted that man, whether or not it'll be a blessing or perhaps a curse . . . it seems to leave the door open for more to come next. :) Well, I guess it calls for a somewhat lengthier sequel.

[Earniel]

*scratches head* A sequel.... now that's something I never gave any thought.

[Linaewen]

Eärniel! That was amazing! The beauty and elegance of your style of writing I think is astonishing. I'm glad you mentioned your writing otherwise I would have miss this. :)

[Earniel]

Nehneh. Thank you, lin. :) I'm glad you liked it.

[Jonathan]

I really liked the story, Eärniel. It was lovely.

It was sort of cosy to read the conversation in the pub. Made you remember when you were young and of listened to the grown-ups's fairy tales at the fireplace.

Feathered cats - now that sounds like beasts that would fit in any mythology. I liked how they talked with their eyes :) How did you come up with these animals?

I liked the ending too...
*realizes the spoiler code probably didn't make the upgrade to vBulletin3*
Oh well, I liked it :)

I hope the fact that your story became a "moderator's choice" on Elfwood will inspire you to write some more ;)

[BeardofPants]

I can't believe that I didn't comment on this when it was posted up! :o Anyway, I really enjoyed it Smearniel, and I'm glad it's received the accolades it clearly deserves. You *should* try to get it published. 'Course you might have difficulty since you've made it public over the 'net.

[Nurvingiel]

Why couldn't you get it published? You still own the idea, whether it's on the net or not.

I read your story and I thought it was totally brilliant! I love how this new world came alive in such a short tale.

[BeardofPants]

Why couldn't you get it published? You still own the idea, whether it's on the net or not.

I'm not exactly sure of the whys and wherefores, but apparently publishers don't tend to like it when works have already been made public. An author friend of mine mentioned this to me once, but I never really paid attention to why it was difficult.

[Count Comfect]

Can probably edit or update it (or something like that) and get it published then. It really is quite good. I'm glad it got on Elfwood because I missed it first time around...

[Earniel]

Thanks for the kind replies, everyone. In fact I'm quite overtaken with the amount of compliments I got.

Feathered cats - now that sounds like beasts that would fit in any mythology. I liked how they talked with their eyes :) How did you come up with these animals?
If I recall correctly the inspiration came from the mix of a drawing of a very fluffy white cat with a earring and the idea to do something completely contrary (since feathers usually refer to birds).

I hope the fact that your story became a "moderator's choice" on Elfwood will inspire you to write some more ;)
It does, it does! :) However I'm a slow writer and I usually edit and rewrite massively which makes me slower still. And I realise that with 'the Moor' I really put the bar for quality high for me, it'll be tough not to sink below it.

I can't believe that I didn't comment on this when it was posted up! :o Anyway, I really enjoyed it Smearniel, and I'm glad it's received the accolades it clearly deserves. You *should* try to get it published. 'Course you might have difficulty since you've made it public over the 'net.
Thanks. :) Originally it was meant for publishing too, in the abandonned Entmoot Anthology. Right now I'm not thinking about getting it published any time soon. I'm unsure whether single short stories actually can be published (I'm so not at home in that field, I fear), and I want to have more stories finished before that, to show myself whether I'm a 'one-trick-pony' in writing or not.

[Draken]

I'm glad this got bumped up! That's a great little myth Earniel, nice and self-contained and beautifully told.

[Farimir Captain of Gondor]

Bumpaty bump bump. Everyone read this.

Great story Eärniel. ;)

[Gordis]

Indeed, it is quite captivating. My compliments, Earniel. :)

And thanks to Faramir for bumping this thread. :)

[Earniel]

Thank you both for the compliments, Farimir and Gordis. :) They're much appreciated.

[Jonathan]

*Bump*

I just read this story at Elfwood. A fascinating read! I admire your story-telling technique (like how the story was told in letter form but also your technique in general).

Anyway I thought I'd just bump this thread in hope of bringing the attention of other mooters :)

[me9996]

Wow... It was writen as if it would be longer and go on intill annoying, but otherwise... Wow... So in summery as far as my eye can see, well writen, neet storey(Lack of a plot might annoy some people but not with a story like this), and a nice ending -but a little strange.

[Earniel]

I just read this story at Elfwood. A fascinating read! I admire your story-telling technique (like how the story was told in letter form but also your technique in general).
Elfwood! Oh dear, how on Earth did you find it there? It's been years since I had that link in my sig and that was when I still only had an art gallery.

I like the letter-format for writings. It allows one to nicely combine narrative with first person-perspective. But I noticed of late that I start to use it overmuch.

[Butterbeer]

Let us, dear writer, be the judge of that...

(really must read this sometime ... soon(ish) :) )

[Earniel]

I've got this story on which I'd love to have some feed-back. It's finished but some scenes still seem to grate a little and despite numerous edits I can't seem to get them to my satisfaction. Normally I hate posting anything before it's properly corrected and edited but I guess that has to do for now.

The story is 8600 words long, longer than my pervious writings and I know my writing tends to suffer in longer stories. I may have expanded a little too far in the area of scene setting and explanation. I like the climax, but the bus-stop scene feels a bit week.

There's some mild violence and a shooting.

I'd love to get thorough comments on this one, even if negative. You may totally be frank. If you notice any error in grammar, spelling or even plot line, don't hesitate to mention it. If there are paragraphs that you think are superfluous, dialogs that can be shortened, this can also help me already along in improving it.

Thanks in advance. :)

[Text has been removed.]

[tolkienfan]

I liked it Eärniel. It was good. But the ending! I want to read more. Did Randolph and Morgan really die? What happens? I think you could really go with this.
I noticed two things:
Max says that "The water’s just cooked." I think that should be 'just boiled'.
also:
the journalist says "The majority of shops has now disappeared or stands empty." I think that should be 'The majority of shops have now disappeared or stand empty.'

[Lief Erikson]

Randolph and Morgan's deaths were mentioned in the news broadcast. I think it's pretty clear they died.

This was a neat story :). Good thoughts. I was very off-track in my guesses about where you were going through most of the story, Eärniel. That's largely because I tend to write very devious villains- in some ways I have a less gentle mind than you. Throughout the story, I was very distrustful of every character except Emma, though always for the wrong reasons.

I thought the first scene was a slow beginning to the story, but after that everything picked up. Bang up action writing, by the way :D. Very well written. The ending was especially well constructed, I thought. Good messages and themes, too. You write very well.

You might be amused by how completely off-track I was as to where the story was going ;).

I was pretty tense throughout most of the earlier part of the story out of concern that Randolph might be a madman who was successfully misguiding Morgan. That concern kept me tense until Max's dragon identity was revealed. After that, I was dancing a bit between the possibility that Max was good, as Max was arguing, and the possibility that Max was living up to her name and being simply devilishly clever in her attempts to deceive her enemies. If it was the latter, I was thinking she might successfully get the T-Shirts distributed by convincing Morgan and Randolph (or maybe just Morgan) that she actually was not bad, and thus through them unleashing a reign of terror on the world by her trickery.

But my knowing you personally helped me to stay on course some during that final conversation. I knew you loved environmentalism, so as I was listening to the good environmental messages coming out, I suspected that really Max was honest.

I think what you wrote about the setting and location was well written and helpful, but like you noticed, it did tend to drag some. Maybe just revealing that Max is a dragon and a good one in the first scene would be a good idea. That would grab readers right from the start and keep people like me from considering so many alternative plotlines to the one you intended ;). The conclusion would not be easily predictable, but that would help me to stay with the story better.

Though if you revealed Max's dragoninity immediately, that might make Emma's seeming death appear a bit nastier when it happens, since the readers would know she's not the dragon. That nastiness might distract attention from what was coming, and so wouldn't really contribute . . . Though it could be avoided if Randolph was to shoot her at longer range (perhaps out of fear of her dragon fire or danger reflexes) and hit her in a part of her body where the reader knows it wouldn't kill a normal human, so readers could guess she'll be okay. Then having the audience know that Morgan and Randolph are walking into Emma's shop, the dragon's lair, with the incorrect belief that they've killed the dragon would create suspense. If I'd known it was good dragon vs. (semi-)good people from the start, that might have focused my attention and expectations more accurately, thus enabling the conclusion to satisfy me more effectively. And all the environmental and historical answers and arguments could still be saved for the climax, just as they are now. Those would help a lot and still prove effective in bringing about a forceful climax, just as they do now.

Just some ideas, takeable or leaveable :).

You wrote the story very well :). I like the conclusion a lot and the structure, and your writing style. The final scene with Emma also really flows well.

[Olmer]

A very well composed story, Eärniel, with catching up beginning, unexpected twists, and filled with emotions end.
Also it carries a pressingly important message about human's arrogance in governing our Earth.

You definately have a talent for writing. Don't stop, you are good at it! :)

[Tessar]

Really fantastic writing!

Some of the dialogue was a little awkward, but other than that I didn't notice anything. It was fantastic! :D

[tolkienfan]

Another thing I wanted to add: I was thinking about these characters for a long time after reading the story. You really made them real to me. I still can't figure out if Emalaxrys was really good or not, and if you aren't going to make a sequal you might want to make that more clear, unless you purposely left it up to the reader. I really liked Randolph and Morgan, that's why I don't want them to be dead. I don't know, this feels more like a first chapter of a book or the first in a series than just a short story. The whole thing just made me want to read more. :cool:

[Curubethion]

You know, I liked that story! The ending was interesting too...very open-ended. Was the Order really killed off for good, or were there other dragon-hunters? Is Emma really trying to do good, and is the idea that she can change things merely a delusion?

I actually liked the fact that you never revealed Max's dragon-ness. It made for an amazing plot twist. I was seriously cheering Randolph and Morgan on, thinking that they had struck true. And then...yeah, that was a shock. The gender-switch was a nice touch.

The only thing...did Emma survive because the poison was intended to kill dragons, not humans?

[Lief Erikson]

That's what I've assumed.

[Earniel]

I liked it Eärniel. It was good. But the ending! I want to read more. Did Randolph and Morgan really die? What happens? I think you could really go with this.
Well, the stairs was destroyed, and they were quite close to the explosion when it happened, so I'd say chances for survival are near unexistant unless there's more to the Order than they've revealed so far. And thanks for the corrections. :)

You might be amused by how completely off-track I was as to where the story was going ;).
Admittingly, that's a bit what I aim for. ;) I try to insert in each of my short stories an unexpected element or plot twist.

I was pretty tense throughout most of the earlier part of the story out of concern that Randolph might be a madman who was successfully misguiding Morgan. That concern kept me tense until Max's dragon identity was revealed. After that, I was dancing a bit between the possibility that Max was good, as Max was arguing, and the possibility that Max was living up to her name and being simply devilishly clever in her attempts to deceive her enemies. If it was the latter, I was thinking she might successfully get the T-Shirts distributed by convincing Morgan and Randolph (or maybe just Morgan) that she actually was not bad, and thus through them unleashing a reign of terror on the world by her trickery.
Now there is an interesting twist. I forgot the readers don't know dragons exist in this story-universe until Emalaxrys is revealed. Clearly, I could have gone in many interesting directions. There's maybe a germ of a future story there, although not necessarily one tied to this one.

But my knowing you personally helped me to stay on course some during that final conversation. I knew you loved environmentalism, so as I was listening to the good environmental messages coming out, I suspected that really Max was honest.
Ack, I hate it when I let too much of myself show in a story, it always catches me by surprise. Although environmentalism was not intended as a mayor theme here. For Fabric Dragons I wanted a story with no bad guys, just a set-up with two sides, both essentially good (or at least thinking they're doing the right thing) but at the same time utterly irreconcilable so it can only end in violent conflict. I find such situations are rather common in the real world.

I think what you wrote about the setting and location was well written and helpful, but like you noticed, it did tend to drag some.
Are there specific sentences or paragraphs that you found to be too slow?

Maybe just revealing that Max is a dragon and a good one in the first scene would be a good idea. That would grab readers right from the start and keep people like me from considering so many alternative plotlines to the one you intended ;). The conclusion would not be easily predictable, but that would help me to stay with the story better. [...]
Interesting scenario, although I fear it would take a massive rewrital to get that effect right. So I think I'll pass, but thanks for the idea nevertheless.

You definately have a talent for writing. Don't stop, you are good at it! :)
Thank you. :) I don't entend to stop. This is too much fun.

Some of the dialogue was a little awkward, but other than that I didn't notice anything. It was fantastic! :D
Thanks, Tessar. :) Which specific dialogue or lines did you think was awkward?

I still can't figure out if Emalaxrys was really good or not, and if you aren't going to make a sequal you might want to make that more clear, unless you purposely left it up to the reader.
I didn't want to take sides in the story. It seemed interesting to leave the decision of who's right and wrong up to the reader, personally I couldn't decide. But a sequel is currently not planned. If I ever write about Randolph or Morgan it is likely to take place before this one.

The only thing...did Emma survive because the poison was intended to kill dragons, not humans?
That's the reason I was thinking of when writing. But there are more possibilities. I didn't specify exactly where in the chest Emma was shot nor when she was found. If the shot was deadly, maybe she was found in time to saved. It's also equal possible that the shot wasn't lethal (I doubt Randolph had that much experience with shooting people) and that he simply assumed the poison would do the trick regardless. At the point I didn't want to draw too much attention to the specifics of the shot wound to keep the surprise that she survived for later.

[Tessar]

Aaaaaargh! I can't stop thinking about this story! :p

WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?

I hate, hate, HATE short stories (that are good) because they're ALWAYS OPEN ENDED. >.< Argh!

What will happen? Aren't there more dragon hunters out there? Is the girl going to be able to handle the dragons when they come to her? What about the ones that are already hatching from previously sold t-shirts?

... I want mooooooore. :(

I was thinking about this thing all day yesterday while I was driving home from school, and all this morning while I was at the gym.

[Rían]

As per Eärniel's request, here's a thread for comments :)

[Rían]

English comments

"Would you like some tea? The water’s just cooked.�
(English comment - prob. "boiled" is better - "cooked" isn't used that way for water)

“Do you think it’s a bit egocentrically, if you’re proud to come on telly..."
(egocentric, not egocentrically)

“Oh look, it’s starting.� He added while pointing to the TV-screen.
(punctuation - should be "Oh look, it's starting," he added while pointing to the TV- screen. The way you have it, with a capital-H "He", you have a sentence fragment.

"The majority of shops has now disappeared or stands empty"
(verb tense error - since "shops" is plural, you need to use "they", so it's "(they)have now disappeared" and "(they)stand empty")

"we both live close-by ..."
(should be close by - no hyphen, because it's not modifying anything)

"So people only learn of us through mouth-to-mouth advertising. "
(heehee! This was cute - made me think of mouth-to-mouth resuscitation! Although your expression isn't incorrect, the usual expression is "word of mouth" )

"...and no future of any importance safe to live out the last few years of his life in solitude and silence. "
(I think you mean "SAVE to live out? as in "except"? unless I misunderstand your meaning)

ok - I read up to the first "~~~" - very well-written so far! Interesting and lively :) Good job!

[Rían]

oops *embarassed*

I just noticed that comments were at the end of the story!

(I was copying the "discussion for..." thread for the other story)

[Earniel]

Aaaaaargh! I can't stop thinking about this story! :p
Um... sorry? :o I'll take it like a compliment.

Much thanks for the corrections, RÃ*an. :) Don't worry about the thread, I know most people use one for the story and one for the comments; but since the story is finished, I don't mind having the comments in the same thread. So I merged them together.

[Lief Erikson]

Admittingly, that's a bit what I aim for. ;) I try to insert in each of my short stories an unexpected element or plot twist.
Naturally, and that's great.
Now there is an interesting twist. I forgot the readers don't know dragons exist in this story-universe until Emalaxrys is revealed. Clearly, I could have gone in many interesting directions. There's maybe a germ of a future story there, although not necessarily one tied to this one.
You know, I think that that's my problem. I found those alternate possibilities more interesting than the way the story actually turned out. There's nothing at all wrong with the way the story turned out- the conclusion is great. It's just that my anticipating something that would to me have been more interesting and then not having those expectations met was a little disappointing. Not all readers will react the same way, of course.

And there's nothing wrong with the story ending the way it is. It's an excellent conclusion. To carry with it the way it is, I think there could be some adjusting of the way it's structured, just to keep readers from becoming distracted by the alternate endings and more focused on the questions you actually mean to build tension about, the real issues of the story. I think you could keep the readers more on track by revealing in the very beginning of the story that there is a real, good dragon.

You wouldn't have to show, actually, whether this good dragon is Max or Emma. Just showing that there's a real, good dragon in existence would help erase those other possibilities.

Or . . . maybe you could actually also leave it unknown whether the dragon is a good or a bad one. If you made Morgan or someone else ask the unanswered question to Randolph very early in their first scene, even though he'd stomp on it immediately, that would put the question in readers' minds in a way that indicates to them that this is the direction the story is going, even if they don't know for sure how you'll answer the question.
Ack, I hate it when I let too much of myself show in a story, it always catches me by surprise. Although environmentalism was not intended as a mayor theme here. For Fabric Dragons I wanted a story with no bad guys, just a set-up with two sides, both essentially good (or at least thinking they're doing the right thing) but at the same time utterly irreconcilable so it can only end in violent conflict. I find such situations are rather common in the real world.
Sometimes that's true, yes. And other times, both sides are terribly wicked. That's at least as common. It's so horribly complex :(. I've wanted to write a story that portrays this too, and I intend to do so eventually.
Are there specific sentences or paragraphs that you found to be too slow?
It was really just the first scene. The one where Emma and Max meet up and start watching TV. That isn't a very exciting scene, and it's really good to grab the readers right from the start and hold them.

That's part of the reason I was suggesting revealing that there was a dragon right from the start, perhaps also opening more consideration of the possibilities she's good from Morgan (ideas Randolph flattens as absurd) so that readers might think the same way and thus be more satisfied when you end the way you do. That along with the possibility of better focusing the readers' attention on the questions you mean them to think about.
Interesting scenario, although I fear it would take a massive rewrital to get that effect right. So I think I'll pass, but thanks for the idea nevertheless.
It would take some rewriting, that's true. Mainly just of the first scene, though, and that's pretty slow anyway and I think could do with some speeding up anyway. Max's identity wouldn't have to be revealed, and neither would the dragon's being good, I can see now that I've thought it through a bit more. You wouldn't actually have to do anything else with any of the other parts except perhaps adjust Randolph and Morgan's conversation some, to open the question from Morgan (squashed at once, of course, and probably Morgan also convinced by Randolph that no, the dragon is certainly evil) of whether or not the dragon is good.

Forgive my running away with this idea in this way ;). These are of course just some thoughts for you to do what you like with. Just some suggestions. Don't feel like I'm pushing you to take them :o.

And I do really, really like the story the way it is :). I don't want these thoughts to seem to undermine that main comment. It's really, really good writing and a neat story and conclusion. I very much like it.

[Tessar]

Um... sorry? :o I'll take it like a compliment.


Oh absolutely. o.O

This. Story. Be. AWESUM!!!!!!! :d

[Earniel]

It's just that my anticipating something that would to me have been more interesting and then not having those expectations met was a little disappointing. Not all readers will react the same way, of course.
Hm, I think the thing is that you prefer stories that have more twists, foul play and backstabbing than I can fit into a short story. ;)

Sometimes that's true, yes. And other times, both sides are terribly wicked. That's at least as common. It's so horribly complex :(. I've wanted to write a story that portrays this too, and I intend to do so eventually.
True, but I think stories with two evil sides don't work very well. Usually there's little for the reader to connect to, or to make them interested in the proceedings. Good sides doing evil things could work, but evil against evil is not something I'd be interested in reading.

It was really just the first scene. The one where Emma and Max meet up and start watching TV. That isn't a very exciting scene, and it's really good to grab the readers right from the start and hold them.
Thanks, I'll have a look at it again. I'm not going to bring the dragon already in there, but maybe I can smoothen it a bit better so it doesn't drag.

Forgive my running away with this idea in this way ;). These are of course just some thoughts for you to do what you like with. Just some suggestions. Don't feel like I'm pushing you to take them :o.
No no, it's always interesting to see what others would have done with the story. :) It's just that I hope you're not disappointed when I decide not use the suggestions.

[Lief Erikson]

Hm, I think the thing is that you prefer stories that have more twists, foul play and backstabbing than I can fit into a short story. ;)
I think we just have different writing styles. Which is only natural- I know of no two people who write the same way.
True, but I think stories with two evil sides don't work very well. Usually there's little for the reader to connect to, or to make them interested in the proceedings. Good sides doing evil things could work, but evil against evil is not something I'd be interested in reading.
I personally really liked the movie "The Godfather", so I think bad vs. bad can also be done well. But somehow they evade letting you hate the bad guy main characters in that movie. Maybe that has something to do with it.

I really, really like certain villains. Richard III is one of my top favorites. Him and Emperor Palpatine. I also really like the main character in the "House of Cards" television drama, who is a complete villain.

Good vs. good can also be done very, very well though. And good vs. bad, obviously.
No no, it's always interesting to see what others would have done with the story. :) It's just that I hope you're not disappointed when I decide not use the suggestions.
No, that's fine :). It's your story :).

[Noble Elf Lord]

A grrreat story. I really liked it. Perhaps I am not cynical or critical enough, but I liked the whole story. :) Well... if you want some criticism, then perhaps you should have told a bit more about the Dragonslayers. Maybe giving a clue of how they hunted the dragons in the Middle-Ages and after that, you know, to see how that has changed over centuries. I think it would add a nice and interesting piece of detail. Can´t really criticise you about the grammar, since English isn´t my mother tongue, but the mistakes were minor. Please continue the story! :) :D

[Rían]

Second part:

English:

"...The cat’s got your tongue?� He asked testily as ..."
(should be small-h "he" )

"what is it exactly what you sell"?
(should be "that" you sell)

so choosing dragons was a bit obvious as starting point.� Emma said.
(comma instead of period after "point". I know, weird!)

"different cultures to know that dragon can awe and strike a chord"
(should be dragonS)

"dragons were cruel bastards that loved nothing more than torch towns"
(than TO torch towns, etc)

"despite the no-smoking-sign on the wall "
(should be no-smoking sign)

"Morgan’s eyes swivelled briefly from the Randolph to the sign
(take out "the" in front of "Randolph")

"“Most people don’t know for real, kid.� Randolph said while a thin, blue cloud cringled from "

(comma, not period, after "kid" - also, don't know what "cringled" is ...)

"has always striven to keep their dragon slaying activities "
(dragon-slaying)



Other - nice characterizations of the two dragon-slayers :)

[Earniel]

Thanks, RÃ*an. :) (man, I missed a lot of errors...)

(comma, not period, after "kid" - also, don't know what "cringled" is ...)
Oh, dear. :p Obvious Dutchism. Should be 'wreathe' instead, I think.

[Rían]

Thanks, RÃ*an. :) (man, I missed a lot of errors...)
oh, no worries - after all, it's your second or third language or so ...


Oh - one non-grammar-type thing - the white blood was interesting, but it made me think of plants. Maybe yellowish blood? Amber-colored? Something more like fire? Just some thoughts - take 'em or leave 'em :)

[Earniel]

I'm happy to announce that the story has received a Mod's Choice when I posted the story on Elfwood. Thanks a lot you guys, for helping me iron out the errors. :)

[BeardofPants]

I could have sworn that I made a comment on this story, but apparently not. :confused: I really enjoyed reading it when you posted it. :) Congrats on the kudos!

[Tessar]

OMG YAY!!! Well deserved!!! :D This is an awesome story. I still pop back over and read it from time to time, cuz it's just good. ;)

[Earniel]

My short story got accepted for the January issue of the EMG-zine (http://emg-zine.com)!

With much thanks to Willow for one thorough and speedy proof-reading. :) (Any mistakes still in the story are solely due to my re-writing bits afterwards.)

[hectorberlioz]

Congratulations! I am off to read it at this moment :D.

EDIT: A nice story. Perhaps my analyzation is weak, but apparently Tara was able to prove to her mother that gymnastics were not so useless afterall. But it took a bit of hallucination for her to be able to do what she did.

PS: You know, putting stuff in spoiler tags makes for a hard read.

[Jonathan]

My short story got accepted at the EMG-zine! It can be found here (http://emg-zine.com/item.php?id=487), but you can check out the rest of the monthly e-zine too. (Link will only remain active during January, will host story elsewhere afterwards.)

With much thanks to Willow for one thorough and speedy proof-reading. :) (Any mistakes still in the story are solely due to my re-writing bits afterwards.)


Congrats Eärniel! I gathered that EMG-zine is currently showing an interest in bulls and oxes, due to the Chinese zodiac sign (though the Chinese Year of the Ox won't actually begin until the end of January :)).

Bull Dance is an enjoyable short story. Visiting ancient Crete is nice, whether it's by reading Greek myths or one of Eärniel's writings :D Did you get your inspiration from a personal visit to Crete? I was first kind of surprised that you didn't let the bull dance take place in Corsica. I mean, seeing as you have like a special relationship with that island. But then, in prehistoric times the Cretans amused themselves with leaping over bulls, didn't they? Much more so than the Corsicans I suppose. (But I bet present-day Corsicans wish their cars could leap those darn cows that insist on blocking the roads! :p)

The Year of the Ox happens to be my zodiac sign. Being an amateur sinologist, I thought I'd give the Ox some special attention this year. Maybe by wearing a red ribbon at times like the Chinese do, or eat less beef meat, or whatever :)

Yeah, that's just me rambling.

[Earniel]

Perhaps my analyzation is weak, but apparently Tara was able to prove to her mother that gymnastics were not so useless afterall. But it took a bit of hallucination for her to be able to do what she did.
She at least managed to prove to herself that gymnastic can be quite useful, but I fear her mother may be a tougher nut to crack. :D

Congrats Eärniel! I gathered that EMG-zine is currently showing an interest in bulls and oxes, due to the Chinese zodiac sign (though the Chinese Year of the Ox won't actually begin until the end of January :)).
There's a new theme each month. But I believe January is traditionally the one for the Chinese Zodiac. The theme actually was Ox, but I just used the bull because it fitted better in my story.

I'm going to try if I can submit more short stories this year to EMG-zine, it would be a good exercise for me in finishing stories a little sooner than the usual years it takes me now.

Bull Dance is an enjoyable short story. Visiting ancient Crete is nice, whether it's by reading Greek myths or one of Eärniel's writings :D Did you get your inspiration from a personal visit to Crete?
Alas, maybe one day. But until then I shall have to come by on documentaries. As it happened, there was one on TV the month before I wrote the story, although that one focussed on Evans and Kouroi, not bulls.

I was first kind of surprised that you didn't let the bull dance take place in Corsica. I mean, seeing as you have like a special relationship with that island. But then, in prehistoric times the Cretans amused themselves with leaping over bulls, didn't they? Much more so than the Corsicans I suppose. (But I bet present-day Corsicans wish their cars could leap those darn cows that insist on blocking the roads! :p)
Hahah, never fear, Corsica is bound to pop up in my stories some place! (In fact it has been referenced briefly in a story excerpt (Of Books, Imps and Otters) but may feature less cryptically if I ever get to expanding it.)

But Corsica doesn't have the mythologic/historic connection to bull dancing that I was looking for. Although I have to say the cows and bulls on Corsica are darn beautiful and intelligent specimen! A real pleasure to run into them. Just not in the middle of the mountain road behind one of those sharp turns, mind you. :p

[Jonathan]

Considering the proximity to Corsica, I wonder whether the roads of Sardinia are "infested" with cows and cattle as well! I'm going there next week :p

[Earniel]

Next week?! :eek:Dude, half of Corsica was snowed under last week! If the Sardinian cows have any clue they'd be tucked safely and warmly in winter-pens or stables. At any other point, I'd be envious of you since I've never been to Sardinia, but in this type of weather I'll pass. :p

[Jonathan]

Snowed under, really? That would be peculiar - for me to experience that kind of weather in Sardinia when there's hardly been any snow in Stockholm this winter so far. I always expect sunshine and warmth when travelling south :p

[Earniel]

A bit of freak weather, I fear. They even had an item about it on the news, and you could see truckers having to actually dig their trucks out of the snow. There seemed to be more snow than Belgium had in the last ten years.

Could be better by now, I suppose. And Sardinia is even more southerly. But then again, as Scandinavian, you'll probably laugh at temperatures at which I'm shivering under three layers of clothing. :p

[Count Comfect]

Nice story Earniel! Sorry, can't do the umlaut without ASCII codes...

I was just rereading Tolkien Lovers Anonymous...your writing was good then, but it's definitely improved :)

[Earniel]

Thank you. :) I never considered my RPG's in relation to my writing, but I guess a good basis was laid with them.

[Varnafindë]

I never considered my RPG's in relation to my writing, but I guess a good basis was laid with them.

I always consider RPGs as writing exercises (at least any long posts in them), as well as being fun to play.

[Jonathan]

I noticed this story can now be found on Elfwood too.

I also noticed that Fabric Dragons has lost its "Mod's choice" status. What's up with that? :confused:

[Earniel]

Yes, I uploaded the story there, since it's no longer available at the EMG-zine. I've only just received the message it went through this morning. I also uploaded Fabric Dragons again with two corrections, but that shouldn't have vanquished the Mod's Choice. Hm, better go and contact them over it.

[Earniel]

A short-story of mine that was just published in the monthly EMG-zine (http://emg-zine.com/item.php?id=501), about how one can encounter selkies in a modern-day setting.

[Coffeehouse]

It suddenly seemed terribly wrong to Jeremy to keep an old lady behind bars on a concrete floor without so much as a blanket.

Good read! This one made me laugh:p:p

[Varnafindë]

A captive audience never had a more suitable image.

Indeed ... :rolleyes:

[Earniel]

Another short story of mine, just published in EMG-zine (http://emg-zine.com/item.php?id=512).

I very much liked the idea of this one, but it was a rush job, so the writing isn't as solid as it could be and I hope to god there aren't any glaring errors since I didn't have the time to get it corrected. (If you see and error, please let me know.)

[Mari]

Nice! :D The only error I spotted as I read it quickly, was the error in your post above. :p

I actually read two books in the past 2 weeks that have a very similar theme. It's very vexing, because in the books the strange animals aren't explained either. >_<

[Earniel]

Thanks! :) I'm curious, what were those books?

I did have an explanation for my giant squid all ready and worked out and it originally would have been fitted in the final conversation with Marsh. But entries for the e-zine have to be limited to 2000 words and it was already hard enough to put everything else in that I wanted in. So the explanation got booted in exchange for mystery. But if you're interested, read on:

SPOILER ALERT!

The squids are meant to be living fossils. The animal did once exist, the orthoceras: giant squid in straight shell-cones. So their looks and size were no invention by me, and you can easily look up the real thing. But they've all died out millions of years ago.

In my story I intended to have the orthocones live in the deep-sea, that is still pretty much a mystery for us today and was even more so a mystery a century ago. It would explain why no one ever saw them alive before.

I figured I could make the squid very old, centuries old, but that they just like some squid species today amass at some point in the ocean or at a shore to spawn. Them coming unto land and defending a patch to attract a female is largely my adaptation of similar behaviour in birds and marine mammals. Modern squid practically swarm and spawn every year, but with the shell-squid being so old, I reckoned they only came on land once every century or so.

[Mari]

Oh, that might have been nice too, but I actually quite like it as a mystery.

Let's see, the titles... "The Lost Island of Tamarind" and... "De wonderbaarlijke reizen van...?" This last one is a bizarre children's book with made up animals and old-Dutch among normal Dutch. Lots of pictures too, very weird. I don't even remember if I finished reading it actually... >_<
The first one is nice enough :)

[Jonathan]

Eärniel, I love this story! It had me captivated from beginning to end, much thanks to all the memories it brought back of my west coastal summers. The first paragraph induced images in my head of those many times that I've squatted down on a cliff edge on a windy evening in August and listened to the roaring seas and watched as the large bodies of waters hit the rocks with immense force. Reading further, your story just kept on reminding me of my childhood summers at the Swedish west coast. Fishermen, shrimp fishers, seagulls... Even those giant shells reminded me of the hermit crabs I like to capture from the sea bed :) And for my inner eye, I could see the giant shells emerge on a specific beach not far from my family's summer cabin.

I think the story does better without that explanation. But thanks for posting the explanation here anyway, I had no idea about orthoceras. Your idea about the shells' singing and how the song was produced, was very imaginative. You also described the shells' colours, but what about their shapes?

One thing caused me minor disturbance though. Wilkins and his sons were perplexed over the "pale green lights, moving, pulsating far below, shining like drowned candles in the dark depths of the sea". My immediate thoughts were - That sounds just like bioluminenscent flagellates! In western coastal areas, you can see them particularly well in August (and the plot happens to be set in August). An experienced fisher wouldn't get startled by such lights, but rather be used to them ;)

The story takes place in 1905. At first I thought that was the same year that an unusual event rocked the Swedish west coast (literally rocked the coast, namely Sweden's biggest earthquake ever). I looked it up and it turned out that happened in 1904. Otherwise your choice of year would have been a fun coincidence at least for me.

(Lastly, I noticed a small spelling mistake. Nary should be spelt with a single "r")

Thank you for a great tale! :)

[Earniel]

Eärniel, I love this story! It had me captivated from beginning to end, much thanks to all the memories it brought back of my west coastal summers. Thanks! Childhood summers at the beach did indeed enter somewhat into the inspiration for this story. (If you have never gone hunting for hermite crabs, you haven't lived.)

I think the story does better without that explanation.
Yeah, I was thinking the same. Some things just work better with mystery. It would also have been hard for me to make the entire explanation seem plausible. The two characters would have had a though time deducing all that info from just one sighting.

Your idea about the shells' singing and how the song was produced, was very imaginative. You also described the shells' colours, but what about their shapes?
I thought I had at least mentioned that they were smooth and straight. But I realise now, that while I had a picture in my head of them, I never really went into further detail. What I had in mind for the shells looked an aweful lot like a simple snow-cone.

One thing caused me minor disturbance though. Wilkins and his sons were perplexed over the "pale green lights, moving, pulsating far below, shining like drowned candles in the dark depths of the sea". My immediate thoughts were - That sounds just like bioluminenscent flagellates! In western coastal areas, you can see them particularly well in August (and the plot happens to be set in August). An experienced fisher wouldn't get startled by such lights, but rather be used to them ;)
Oh darn. I should have researched that one, then. I hads sort of assumed bioluminescent creatures (I do admit I love bioluminescence, it's so wonderful and often writes itself right in the story) occur in warmer waters so that Wilkins would not be familiar with the phenomenon on this scale.

The story takes place in 1905. At first I thought that was the same year that an unusual event rocked the Swedish west coast (literally rocked the coast, namely Sweden's biggest earthquake ever). I looked it up and it turned out that happened in 1904. Otherwise your choice of year would have been a fun coincidence at least for me.Haha, funny! Off by just one year! :D 1905 was chosen pretty randomly. I just wanted something at the turn of last century. I did at first consider placing the story after one of the World Wars so I could have someone comment that the squid were probably an invention of the Germans or Russians, but then decided against it. Just now I realised I could have gone with 1908 too, the year of the Tunguska event when a large meteor crashed in Russia. That one is always very useful for sci-fi stories.

(Lastly, I noticed a small spelling mistake. Nary should be spelt with a single "r")
Ah, thanks. Neither the spell checker or my own dictionary could help me with that one.

[Varnafindë]

It would also have been hard for me to make the entire explanation seem plausible. The two characters would have had a though time deducing all that info from just one sighting.

They might have found it in a library later - and that would have been rather anti-climactic to the story. Better leave the mystery.

[Earniel]

Another month, another short story in the monthly EMG-zine (http://emg-zine.com/item.php?id=528). Not my usual style of ending, but I think the story works well enough.

[Jonathan]

[EDIT 11/01/2010: I've bundled all threads about my stories for (I admit, mostly mine) convenience. I wanted to keep taps on what I publish where so the texts have been removed. If you wish to read my stories, feel free to PM me, and I can provide you with a link to the definitive location.]Oh, so that's why I couldn't find the threads! I've been browsing this forum for a while now, going "wth"? :p

[Earniel]

Oops. Sorry, I didn't think anyone was still reading them here.