Exhaust

[Nerdanel]

I believe; and therefore I know:

There is no soul, not one, that could fully and completely understand me: not one to comprehend the complexity of my being; and if comprehended, it is never to be appreciated, nor accepted. Not the beauty, nor the ugliness; not the consistency, nor the inconsistency; not the violent love, nor the silent hate; not the order, nor the chaos; not the yearning forward, nor the longing back.

I am not competent of giving unlimited love, but I know I can give; neither am I capable of receiving it, but I know I can receive. Within me is a space, so vast no one will ever see it all: not even me, the body the space chose. Within the space, suns that are never seen but through the glow of pale, cold moons.

I am not able to fall in love; but will all these negatives with time turn into positives? I am not worthy of my own affection, nor my despise: I am not worthy of me, others even less. I cannot give myself to anyone, for I'd be lost. I have a feeling this end will be uneven.

How can truth be demanded when no one knows? How can I say: I did not lie to you, or hide me from you, when I do not know the space within? I am only a child, and I will never grow up. Growing up is dying, but so is staying. And I say I am not afraid of death, for it touches me not; but how do I know, when death might kiss my feet, already tonight?

And let this be my answer: I am not what you think I am. I have not fallen for you, for I won't let my world fall; and even if it would, it would not be for you. One day, I might grow; one day, I might find I've lived for eternity and found my way around space; one day, I might be capable; and one day, I might fall: but not today, and never for you. Not in this lifetime.




What I believe is what I know, for all the knowledge I have about myself is nought but guesses; and it is the best I can give, and it is the best you will get.

[Lief Erikson]

Well written, Nerdanel. I found it very sad. Especially the fourth paragraph.

I found the first sentence, "I believe, and therefore I know," rather confusing though. I found the final line very sensible and logical. And rather dismal ;). Christianity offers more hope.

The main theme of "Exhaust" seems to be the lacking of human knowledge. It also goes, a bit more lightly, I think, into the resolve to persevere in spite of that lack of knowledge.

It's an interesting writing, Nerdanel, and I think it is quite well written. It's just also sad.

[Nerdanel]

Thank you, Lief. :) I'm happy to hear your thoughts on this.

I found the part about the main theme very interesting: could you expand a bit on that? How do you mean, lack of human knowledge?

And I'm afraid Christianity cannot offer me, nor my world, any hope. :) To me personally, religion would be nothing if it wasn't the impact it has on the world around me. I do appreciate the power it has to give people hope, though.

[Lief Erikson]

I found the part about the main theme very interesting: could you expand a bit on that? How do you mean, lack of human knowledge?
Certainly I'll explain myself.
There is no soul, not one, that could fully and completely understand me:
This beginning of this paragraph starts with the lacking of human knowledge, the lacking of human ability (even including you) to understand you. Or the ability of anyone to understand anyone, one could thus logically conclude.
I am not competent of giving unlimited love, but I know I can give; neither am I capable of receiving it, but I know I can receive. Within me is a space, so vast no one will ever see it all: not even me, the body the space chose. Within the space, suns that are never seen but through the glow of pale, cold moons.[Lief: Bolds added]
This talks about the lack of human resources to act, and it also includes the lacking of human knowledge through sight, the lacking of human ability to see.
I am not able to fall in love; but will all these negatives with time turn into positives?
This also shows the lack of human knowledge.
I am not worthy of my own affection, nor my despise: I am not worthy of me, others even less. I cannot give myself to anyone, for I'd be lost. I have feeling this end will be uneven.
This is again about the lack of human resources, the lack of worthiness, lack of ability to give oneself, the fear of losing oneself. It also ends with "I have [a] feeling this end will be uneven." It's again uncertainty, "I have a feeling," rather than "I know," or even, "I believe." Either of those phrases would be more certain, but your choice of words again implies the uncertainty of human knowledge.
How can truth be demanded when no one knows?
This is clearly a key phrase again pointing back to this theme.
How can I say: I did not lie to you, or hide me from you, when I do not know the space within?
This too.
I am only a child, and I will never grow up.
The choice of analogy here is interesting, for childhood is not only about youth, about the lack of much age, but it also means that one is ignorant, which ties to what I think your theme is.
Growing up is dying, but so is staying. And I say I am not afraid of death, for it touches me not; but how do I know, when death might kiss my feet, already tonight?
Again there's a question, and that implies the lack of human knowledge.
And let this be my answer: I am not what you think I am.
And this is certainly a key sentence, the "answer" to all the questions and uncertainty that came before. It in itself describes uncertainty. "I am not what you think I am" means that the knowledge of everyone else about you is flawed, that human knowledge, in other words, is lacking. At least as regards you :).
What I believe is what I know, for all the knowledge I have about myself is nought but guesses; and it is the best I can give, and it is the best you will get.
This final bit to me completes your theme, saying that not only does no one understand you but you don't understand yourself. "All the knowledge I have about myself is nought but guesses." Which concludes with human ignorance, but also saying that we have to just live with that ignorance. "It is the best you will get."
And I'm afraid Christianity cannot offer me, nor my world, any hope. :) To me personally, religion would be nothing if it wasn't the impact it has on the world around me.
I agree that it must have a positive impact upon the world around you. You're part of the world too, of course. It should have a positive impact inside and out.

[Nerdanel]

Thanks a lot, I really like the way you did that. :) Thanks, also, for pointing out the missing 'a'. X)

I'm afraid, though, that religion hasn't only had a positive impact on the world around me and especially not on me. But that might be a topic to discuss in another thread. :)

[Lief Erikson]

Thanks a lot, I really like the way you did that. :) Thanks, also, for pointing out the missing 'a'. X)
A pleasure :).
I'm afraid, though, that religion hasn't only had a positive impact on the world around me
Agreed.
and especially not on me.
I'm sure you're right. When some people who claim to be Christian don't hold to the principles in scripture, they often harm the world around them.

And other times I think the non-Christians are just wrong . . . but that's all another topic, like you say.
But that might be a topic to discuss in another thread. :)
I think so.

By the way, I really like your signature "Do not despise bacteria - they're the only culture some people have." Lol.