They'd never say that! (part 2)

[jammi567]

This is a continuation of the thread in the lord of the rings forum, except you can now use characters from the hobbit and silmarillion as well. enjoy :).

[me9996]

Okay...
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Bilbo Baggens:MUHAHAHA!!! I WILL STEAL THOSE DWARVES BLIND!!! MUHAHA!!!
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Gollum:Okay, Let's play a game, if I win I eat you, if you win I eat you anyway.
Bilbo:hmm... Can I think about this?

[jammi567]

Feanor has just created the simarils, and is having a party to celebrate. suddenly, Barbie Girl by Aqua is playing very loudly (don't ask), and he also grabs Galadrials hand to dance with her. she's pissed out of her mind.

Hi, Glad!
Hi, Feo! (falls over)
(pulling her up) You wanna go for a ride?
Sure, Feo!
Jump in! (both fall into an opentop sportscar. Feanor takes the wheel and zooms around the plains of Valinor).

(Galadriel) I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world
Life in plastic, it's brill (throws up over edge of car)
You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere (feanor looks long and hard at her breasts. Manages to just advoid the Trees).
Imagination, life is your creation (throws up again. Feanor does a thumbs up to Eru).
(Feanor) Thanks dude!

(Feanor) You're my doll, rock'n'roll (smokes a bit of weed whilst also imitating hitting drums), feel the glamouring and pain (takes his shoes and socks off. Puts car on autopilet and at high speed).
Kiss me here (touches d**k), touch me there (touches knee) , hanky panky (she touches him lightley on the knee).

(Galadriel) Make me walk, make me talk, do whatever you please
I can act like a star, I can beg on my knees. (during this, she takes off her shoes and dress, and he takes off his shirt and trousers. They are both totally naked).

(both together) You can touch, you can play
If you say: "I'm always yours". (Feanor stops the car. Galadriel gets on top of him, and is about to do "it" when...)

(Finarfin) What the effing hell are you doing?!
(Finwe) Yes Feanor, you were about to have sex with your step-niece!
(Feanor) I know that, but I really wanted a bit of her hair, and when she said no...
(Finwe) You, young man, are grounded for 12 years.
(Feanor) But dad, I've just created the most...
(Finwe) I don't ******* care, you're still grounded.
(Finarfin) That goes for you too, but for as well as taking drink, you're grounded for an extra 15 years.
(Galadriel, getting up from the floor) But daddy, it's not my fault. (she bursts into tears).

[me9996]

(Sam is doing taxes on his computer and Frodo comes in with a silly hat on)
Frodo:I'm a lawn gnome!
Sam(Flatly):Realy...
Frodo:YUP!
Sam(Flatly):And how did you find this out?
Frodo:Aragorn said I was a lawn gnome! And that he was...
Frodo(Perfect imatation of Aragorns voice):'THE EVILEST LAWN GNOME IN MIDDLE EARTH!!!'
Sam(Flatly):Realy...
Frodo:And he said that Gimli and I are lawn gnome too!
Sam(Flatly):Then why don't you go out and stand in the lawn while I finish my taxes?
Frodo:OKAY!!!
(Frodo leaves)
(Later)
Sam:Ah, done with my taxes, and look just in time! April 14th! (And I started on July 2nd!)
*Rim shot*
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(Sam is playing Suducu and Frodo comes into the room carrying some geliton desert)
Frodo:My <Product> talked to me, hey wait, why was that censored?
Sam:It's a brand name, you've gotta use genaric names for stuff.
Frodo:Huh?
Sam:That food is Geliton desert, this thing is tisue paper, this is a copying mashean.
Frodo:What have you done with the <Product>, the <Product>, and the <Product>?!?
Sam:Any way, you said the Geliton desert talked to you?
Geliton:YUP! I did, my name is <Product> and I think this product censoring stinks!
Sam:You would, so I guess for once you were right Frodo. Frodo?
Frodo:HELP!!! I GOT SOME <Product> COUGHT IN THE <Product> AND IT'S ATTACKING MEEEEE!!!
Sam(Flatly):You got tissue paper stuck in the copyer again?
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Sam:On brave sir-
Aragorn:IF I HEAR THAT ONE MORE TIME I'LL DEFECT TO SOURONS HOARDS!!!
Sam:On brave sir Aragorn...
(Later at balendur)
Souron:So what are your credenshals?
Aragorn:I am Aragorn son of Arathorn heir to the thrown of Gondor!
Souron:That's it?
Aragorn:I also got experience as an evil minion in collage.
Souron:Hmm... We'll review your resume' and call you back tomarow.
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[me9996]

About time for a joke involveing fireworks, Gandalf, and orcs... Hmm...
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Orc1:Soooo, Gandalf, what are these fireworks for anyway?
Gandalf(Very fast):They are to celebrate the independence of a country that will gain it's independence in possably sevral millenia and 2 days.
Orc1:And what does fireworks have to do with this?
Gandalf(Very fast):It is a widespread method of celebration in the time of this country.
Orc1:And why are we doing this all this time before them?
Gandalf(Very fast):It is a joke desighned to make the people over 200 years past the date of the afforementioned nations independance find great humor in the fact that orcs and wizards are celebrateing the date of their nations birth.
(Later)
Orc2:So what did he say?
Orc1:He didn't know ether.
Orc2(very fast):Oh well, I guess it is very illogical for orcs to celebrate a holiday called 'Independance Day' when orckind has been enslaved many times by whatever evil there is in middle earth and any time they are free they are only free as there is no one to enslave them.
Orc1:Shhh! The fireworks are starting!
Orc2: Do you ever get deja vu?
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[jammi567]

(It's the council of Elrond. suddenly...)
Elrond: Mr Baggins, you are the One.
Frodo: W-w-what?
E: You are the only One who can distroy the One.
F: Errr, Elrond, i think you've got the wrong movie.
E: Therefore, i will have to kill you.
F: Fine, i give up. i'll go along with you.
(They fight ala the end of 'The Matrix'. all of a sudden...)
Gandalf: STOP!
(They do)
G: Elrond, Frodo, what are you doing? This isn't 'The Matrix'. It's...'The Davinci Code!'
(Everyone there stares are him in silence).
Legolas: I'm a proffecional movie critic, and you have to be part of the shitest movie of the year.
(Everyone murmers in agreement).
L: Therefore, we have to kill you, and everyone who was ever a part of it.
(They do so)

(no offence to anyone who does like it, because i know i do).

[me9996]

Go Legoless! :D
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(Part of the shire with a cat walking along)
Cat:Whats this? A ring?
(The cat finds The one ring to rule them all!)
Smegol:Give that ring to me! I have the weak exuse of it being my birthday and I will eventuly come to think that that ring is my birthday prezant!
Cat:No, I don't want to.
Smegol:YAAAHHH!!!!
(Smegol charges at the cat, the cat shoots bolts of lightning out of its paw at Smegol)
Smegol:ARG!!!
Cat:I wonder what I can do with this ring?
(200 years later at a very large black castle that wasn't in LOTR)
Cat:Bring me fish.
Shaby looking elf:Yes my leage.
(The Shaby looking elf walks off)
Souron:HEY CAT!!! Give me that ring!
Cat:Were did you come from?
Souron:That's my ring!
Cat:How about a stareing contest?
Souron:Okay!
(The cat and Souron stare at each other)
Shaby looking dwarf:This could get good...
(10 years later)
Souron:Can't keep it up much longer!
Cat:I can keep going forever.
(Souron blinks)
Cat:I win!
Souron(Star wars stile):NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
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(The attack on the black gate)
Aragorn:On we go to death and glory!
Gondor soldier:Did he say death?
Rohon soldier:Yup!
Aragorn:We may not survive this day but we will aways be remembered as the ones who stood up against Souron!
(Everybody but Aragorn and Gandalf start backing off)
Aragorn:We will be remembered for as long as there will be people to sing it!
(Everybody but Aragorn and Gandalf run off)
Aragorn:And we will- wait a sec, were did everybody go?
Gandalf(Strange french actcent):I want to 'keel' somthing!
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[jammi567]

Morgoth (to Sauron): You know what, this 'being evil' stuff is really just getting boring now. i just want to grow and pick pritty pink flowers, and have a cute dance with one of those nice women. or even marry one, and settle down a bit.
(meanwhile in Valinor...)
Manwe (sounding like a rock/grunger singer): Oh my ******* god, i look and sound so coooooooool! YEH!!!!!!
(he has piercings, tattoos, etc all over his body, and is wearing leather everything).

[me9996]

I've gotten far enough in the Slim to do this one...
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Feanor:I have just made the Silmarils!
Valor1:Feanor:That big spidey lady sucked those trees dry!
Feanor:Okay! Here they are! I can alway make more as long as those glowy tree exist!
Valor1:Oh, you don't have to! We can just make more, after are we are omnipotent within middle earth.
Feanor:Take them anyway! I'm just starting to get good at this.
Valor1:Okay Feanor, you've made you're point, plus I think the spidey lady is sick.
Uglonegent(Or something like that):Ohhh!!! I'm sooo fullll!!!
Morgoth:I'm so sorry you guys, I made a big mistake and I want to throw myself at the mercy of the corts.
Valor2:Don't worry, we all like you guy! GROOP HUG!!!
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Past this it is all LOTR or hobbit, I have yet to get past chapter 8 in the Slim
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Frodo:I still don't like this product censor me9996's going on his posts with us in it!
Sam(Flatly):I like it.
Frodo:But I can't even eat <Product> or drink <Product> (a fruit drink)
Sam(Flatly):I like it.
Frodo:How about I <Product> your mouth... Hey that isn't a product.
Sam(Flatly):It is duct tape <Product> is copywrighted.
Frodo:What?!?
Sam(Flatly):You have been misspronounceing it and what you are saying is copywrighted.
Frodo:AAARRRGGG!!!
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Frodo:I don't like how me9996 keeps protraying me as an imbicle!
Sam:But it's funny!
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(We find Frodo in Balen-dur)
Souron:And why are you here again?
Frodo:Sam turned me in when you changed the reward to 3 potatos.
Souron:So why are you here?
Frodo:I thought you wanted the ring.
Souron:Huh?
Frodo:You... don't want the ring?
Souron:I'm after my wedding ring! I lost it in battle -with my finger- and I've been trying to find it ever sence then.
Frodo:Sooo you're married?
Souron:And you're suprized?
Frodo:Yes! I thought you were an evil maia!
Souron:And even evil maia can fall in love.
Frodo:EW!!! So you are going to torture me!
Souron:Not unless
???:Don't you start that again!
Frodo: :eek:
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Tom Bombadil:I will find you Peter Jackson!
Ragast:So will I
Tom Bombadil:And then we and our hoards of evil mutent squrrels will get our revenge!
Ragast:Who's hoards of evil mutent squrrels?
Tom Bombadil:I just figured that sence we are joint comanders of them we could...
Ragast:YOU FIGURED WRONG!!!
(They start fistfighting)
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Aragorn:I AM STILL THE EVILEST LAWN GNOME IN MIDDLE EARTH!!!
Gandalf:Stop it or I will turn you into a lawn gnome!
Aragorn:BUT I ALREADY THE EVILEST LAWN GNOME IN MIDDLE-
(Gandalf turns Aragorn into a lawn gnome)
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[jammi567]

(Beren has just met Luthein in the woods)
B: i want to marry you
L: sure, alright, but i have to ask daddy first.
B: ok.
(They walk to thousand caves)
L: daddy, mummy, i'm home
(Thingle and Melian come in)
M: who's this sexy looking stranger?
L: this is beren, he's a man, he's just met me, and he want's to marry me
(B nods head vigurusly)
T: sure, why not
(L, B, and M all stare at him)
T: what?!
M: well, normally, you send them on a quest thing that usially means that they die a painful death, and that no-one can marry your beautiful daughter.
B: yeh, dude, i thought you would make me do something like getting a simaril from Morgoth.
T: now why would i want to do that? just because people from the magical, invisible land of Entmoot hate me to bits, and consider me cruel and unfair, compared to that pritty boy Finrod of some stupid caves, doesn't mean that i am.
L: well, ok then...
(they get married instantly, before T changes his mind).

:) :) :)

[me9996]

Have you nodiced that only 2 people have posted here? :(
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Gandalf:HELP!!! I LIT A POTATO ON FIRE!!!
Sam:PO-TA-TO
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[jammi567]

yes i had. if you want to do something to try and boost publisity...

[jammi567]

Legolas: oh, look at me, i'm such a big, strong, hunky looking elf.
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Gandalf the white: me, an all powerful maiar? (gives a high pitch girlish laugh). you have to be kidding. all i rarther do is sit down, and snuggle up next to young Samwise here.
(he does so, and we see Sam enjoying this, and stroking Gandalf's leg in a girlish way).

[jammi567]

That above quote so says a lot in so few words. :)

[me9996]

Balrog:I'm a cute little kitten!!!

[jammi567]

Turin was a good boy, who was never prideful, and never did anything rash. He lived in the beautiful land of Hithlum, which had never been overrun with eminies ever. He lived there with his happy sister, his happy, but never prideful, mum, and his dad, who was one of the most peace loving people in the whole of middle earth.

[me9996]

Remember Smog from the hobbit? Well this is why no one slew him before...
(A knight comes into Smogs cave)
Knight:I shall slay thou fowl worm!
Smog:I'm not a worm! Do worms breath fire?
(Breaths fire at the knight)
Knight:Thou wilst be firste, I shall be off to ye olde hosbitle...
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(A dwarf comes into Smogs cave)
Dwarf:I will have your head, worm!
Smog: Do worms have scales?
(Smog brings around his tail and shows that it is covered in scales)
Dwarf:Umm...
(The drarf leaves and shouts out after he gets out)
Dwarf:The dragon's mentle!
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(An elf comes into Smogs cave)
Elf:I will smite you, worm!
(Smog starts banging his head on the wall)
Elf:Um... Sir?
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[jammi567]

Thigul was a tyrant in the kindom of doriath. whenever someone said anything stupid, like wanting to marry his beautiful daughter, he would immejectly send them to their death.

[Meriadoc Brandybuck]

The world is changing... I can feel it in the water. I can smell it in the air. I can taste it in the beer.

[jammi567]

(just as the fellowship are about to leave lothlorien)
Galadriel: Wait, i want to come with you.
Fellowship: What! why?
G: Oh, only because my husbond is a dickhead, and can't do anything right.
F: ok then, jump abord.

[jammi567]

I'm Too Sexy by Right Said Fred

(in dedication of Sister Golden Hair, who has worked hard for this community, and who also happens to love Finrod to bits).

Finrod: I'm too sexy for my love too sexy for my love
Love's going to leave me

I'm too sexy for my shirt too sexy for my shirt
So sexy it hurts
And I'm too sexy for Doriath too sexy for Doriath
Gondolin and Mithram

And I'm too sexy for your party
Too sexy for your party
No way I'm disco dancing

I'm a model you know what I mean
And I do my little turn on the catwalk
Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk yeah
I do my little turn on the catwalk

I'm too sexy for my horse too sexy for my horse
Too sexy by far
And I'm too sexy for my armour
Too sexy for my armour what do you think about that

I'm a model you know what I mean
And I do my little turn on the catwalk
Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk yeah
I shake my little touche on the catwalk

I'm too sexy for my too sexy for my too sexy for my

'Cos I'm a model you know what I mean
And I do my little turn on the catwalk
Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk yeah
I shake my little touche on the catwalk

I'm too sexy for my kindom too sexy for my kindom
I'm too sexy for my love too sexy for my love
Love's going to leave me

And I'm too sexy for this song

[littleadanel]

*random wood elf: A tree? What tree? *thump*

Okay, sorry, I know it's bad, but it's late and I'm in a bad mood... But you're no longer alone, Jammi!!

[jammi567]

(Finrod, Legolas, Galadrial and Arwen are all somewhere. F and L are talking about their good looks).
F (waving his hair about, in high-pitch voice): Look at me, aren't i just the prittest person in the whole world.
L (finishing putting his blusher on, same): No you're not, i am.
F: Shut up *****. (slapps L).
L: I won't. (slaps back harder).
F: Now you're getting it!
(F pushes L down onto the ground. Conveniantly, there's a lot of mud about, so they have a mud fight, whilst G and A cheer them on).
G (in a deep voice): Glad we don't fight like that, we're much more responsible and controled.
A (same): I couldn't agree more.
G: Who do you fancy?
A: Legolas.
G: You can't. Can't you see that Finrod is the sexier, what with his hair, his shocking pink nails, his cute eyelashes...
A: You want a fight to see which one we think is better.
G: Let's hit it.
(They draw out their swards, and fight).

[jammi567]

(just after Feanor has created silmarils)
Melkor: Feanor, why don't you give me those pritty rings.
F: Shan't.
M: Please.
F: NO!
M: Fine, i'll tell dad. (Looks up to the sky, and shouts) DAD, FEANOR WON'T GIVE ME THOSE RINGS TO PLAY WITH!
Eru: Feanor...
F: They're mine, i can do what i want with them.
E: Fine, you leave me no choice.
(He floods the surrounding land, and then strikes F with a very powerful thunderbolt. F dies).
E: And for extra punishment, you can stay with Mandos forever.
:evil: :evil:

[me9996]

Aragorn:As the evilest lawn gnome in middle earth I will gather an army of lawn gnomes and overthrow the silly humans and elves!
(Later, Aragorn is on top of a grassy hill, below him is an army of Elves and Men)
Boramir:Surrender you crazy dunadin!
Aragorn:I am the evilest lawn gnome in middle earth! Charge fellow lawn gnomes!
(Aragorn charges down and over the hill comes an army of hobbits and dwarves in tall, brimless, red, pointy, hats!)
Frodo:KILL THE SILLY HUMANS AND ELVES!!!
(The battle goes on, the "Gnomes" seem to be loseing)
Boramir:You bozo dunadin! You're loseing!
Aragorn:I haven't broght out my secrate weapon yet! Bring in... THE FLYING LAWN GNOMES!!!
(Over the hill a bunch of hobbits and dwarves -in lawn gnome suits- fly into battle!)
Gimli(To the tune of that peter pan song):I can fly, I can fly, I can fly, I can fly, I CAN FLY!
Boramir(Same tune):They can fly, they can fly, they can fly, they can fly, THEY CAN FLY!
(Meanwile in Orthanc)
Saruman:It's time to look in my ilastraded ensyclopedia!
Theme song people:Sarumans ilastrated ensyclopedia
Saruman:I just want to find out what a lawn gnome is!
(Back at the battlefield, Frodo and Elrond are face to face -Elrond has sunglasses)
Elrond:Hello Mr. Bageness.
Frodo:I'm a lawn gnome!
Elrond:Aragorn is a very dangerus man.
Frodo:He's (Aragorn imatation) THE EVILEST LAWN GNOME IN MIDDLE EARTH!!!
Elrond:Fine, he's a very dangerus lawn gnome then.
(Over at Orthanc, Theoden is comeing to the door)
Theoden:Hello? *Knocks*
Wormtoung(Italain actsent):Hello.
Theoden:Can I come in?
Wormtoung:You've gotta give the password first.
Theoden:Well what is it?
Wormtoung:Hey, I'm not falling for that! I'll give you a hint, it's a fish!
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Frodo:Look at me I'm a flamingo!
(Stands on one leg and paints himself pink)
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(Frodo comes into a room, he's about 3 inches tall)
Sam(Flatly):What happened to you?
Frodo:I found a cake and the iceing on it said 'eat me'!
Sam(Flatly):And you just couldn't resist, right?
Frodo:AND NOW I'M 3 INCHES TALL!!!
Sam(Almost disturbingly flatly):Just go play chess with yourself...

[me9996]

Cast for a LOTR remake of the Marx brothers movies(Har har har)
Groucho=Denethor?
Harpo=Frodo
Chico=Sam?
Zeppo=Boramir
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Aragorn:I'm going to beat you up Souron!
Souron:I am your shadow!
Aragorn:That is SO overdone!
Souron:Or... Um, I'm your long-lost sibling?
Aragorn:One more cheesey overused plot device and I'll-
Souron:I'm your father?
Aragorn:AAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGG!!!!!!!!
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Frodo:Knock knock!
Sam(Flatly):Who's there?
Frodo:Interupting cow!
Sam(Flatly):Interupting c-
Frodo:MOO!!!
(Later)
Frodo:Knock knock!
Sam:Who's there?
Frodo:Interupting cow!
Sam:Interupting cow-
Frodo:MOO!!!
(Later)
Frodo:Knock knock!
Sam:Who's there?
Frodo:Interupting cow!
Sam(Very quickly):INTERUPTING COW WHO?!? HAHAHAHAHA!!!
Frodo:Um... Moo?
__________________

[jammi567]

(Hurin at battle of unnumbered tears)
H (in Arnold accent): Eat ****, you bastards (shoots trolls with shotgun, via a driveby on a 'cycle)
__________________________________________________ ______________
Legolas: Daddy, look at me.
(King does so, and yells. L has dressed up in a pink tutu, pink tights, pink ballet shoes, is wearing a tiara, and waving a magic wand. And is dancing around, doing ballet moves).
L (singing): I'm a barbie girl, in a barbie world...
__________________________________________________ ______________
Turin, after finding out he married his sister).
T: Really. Ohh, well, **** happens.

:D :D

[me9996]

Frodo:Look at me! I'm a pie that goes around eating stuff!
Sam(Flatly):Help.
Frodo:OH NO! It's an increbaly genaric ghost!
Aragorn(With a sheet over his head):WOOOO!!!
Sam(Flatly):Go run around in a maze someware...
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Legolas:My, what fools these mortals be, when they choose to play football with an apostrophe... WHAT?!?
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(The brige in moria, the balrog has just been lit on fire)
Balrog:I'M ON FIRE!!! HELP!!! I'M ON FIRE!!!
Gandalf:Jump in the pool down there in the trench!
Balrog:OKAY!!!
(The balrog jumps off the brige, we see a plume of steam going up)
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Frodo:Wow, look at this giant maze! I smell cheese!
(Frodo runs into the maze)
Sam:And as we can see here our lab rats -I meen asistants- follow the sent of the cheese and remember were they have been before.
Frodo:HELP! I'M LOST!
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[me9996]

Aragorn:All your base are belong to us!
Sam: Dude?
(Would Sam say "Dude"?)
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(Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin are walking through the old forest, Frodo has a camera)
Pippin:OOH! LOOK! A TREE!
(Frodo takes a picture)
Pippin:And another tree!
(Frodo takes a picture)
Pippin:And ooo! Another tree!
(Frodo takes a picture again)
Sam: Pippin... You do now we're in a forest don't you?
Pippin:I don't see a forest I just see alot of trees!
Sam:Can't see the forest because of all the trees eh?
Pippin:Huh? OOO! A TREE!
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[me9996]

Cat:Meow.
Gandalf:HALT! GO NO FURTHER CAT!
Cat:Meow?
Gandalf:YOU SHALL NOT PASS!
Cat:Meow? (Translation:What is this guy thinking?)
Gandalf:I AM (Yells his entire resume')
Cat(Flatly):Meow.
(The cat starts walking past Gandalf)
Gandalf:NO! YOU SHALL NOT PASS! NO!!!
(Gandalf 'blasts' the cat)
Cat:MEOW!!!
(The cat shoots lightning at Gandalf)
Gandalf:NO!!!
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Aragorn:Foreward we go men of the west! TO DEATH AND GLORY!
Merry:Did he say death?
Pippin:Yes, I think he did.
(Everyone starts sneeking away)
Aragorn:They will need alot more bards to sing out tails after this! It will become a full-time job!
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Frodo:Look at me! I'm a duck!
Sam(Flatly):You're a drake.
Frodo:No I'm not! I'm not a dragon!
Sam(Flatly):A male duck is called a drake.
Frodo:Oh, that explains the fire breathing duck outside.
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[jammi567]

Feanor: Yo, yo, yoooooooooooooo! look who's in da house, man.
Fingolfin + Finarfin: Ohhhhhhh, god....
Feanor: Yo, look who did da palanti, ya! And da writing (does a bit of break dancing + head spinning, whilst Olorion (aka. gandalf) does a bit of moon walking).

[me9996]

Aragorn(Singing):I'm a lumberjack and that's okay, I sleep all night and I work all day!
(Legolas enters with shotgun)
Legolas(Strange english actsint):All right! I'm not letting you finish this song!
Aragorn(Has stoped singing):But I only ware them to get out of the army!
(Enter Boramir in a 1950s US army uniform)
Boramir(Heavy american actsent):Come on you weirdo! You're not getting away this way!
Frodo(Off screen):Incomeing wounded!
__________________

[me9996]

__________________
Aragorn:Hello, tonight on woodsmans corner we will learn how to turn this log into a canue useing something everyone has laying around his house... An elvish sword.
(Laugh track)
Aragorn:If you don't have one then you can get one from the nearest troll hideout.
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Try and guess what that is a parady of!
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Gollum:Me like cheese, me eat cheese

[jammi567]

Ummmmm, american DIY shows?

[me9996]

"DIY"? What's that? Anyway it's canadian... (But I like the show anyway)
Below is another parady of that show...
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Aragorn:Big big week up at the castle this week...
(If you've seen the show that'll sound familiar, if you haven't, oh well)
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The below is not a parady of the show mentioned above.
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Aragorn:BEWARE!!! BEWARE!!!
Frodo:Beware what?
Aragorn:BEWARE!!! The cat!
(Aragorn points at a little cat who's been watching them go on)
Frodo:A cat? Are you out of your noggen? Here... Little kitty kitty...
(The cat jumps on Frodo and starts tickleing him)
Frodo:HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Aragorn:OH! IT'S TO HORIBLE!!!
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Legolas:Help! He's trying to make me introduce a shakespear thing again! But I wont let him!
(Legolas flys to the moon)
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(Enter Aragorn and ghost)
Aragorn:Who art thou ghost?
Ghost:Guess what! Your uncal killed be to take over the kingdom, oh and I'm your dad...
Aragorn:You were never in charge of a kingdom.
Ghost:What does that have to do with anything?
(Incase you missed, this is a hamlet parady)
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(Sam is playing chess against himself, enter Frodo.)
Frodo:Guess what!
Sam:What?
Frodo:I am a chicken.
Sam:You said it, not me.
Frodo:No, I am the birdy kind! You know, sits around and lays eggs all day?
Sam:Only the girl chickens lay eggs.
Frodo:... Guess what? I'm a cow! You know, stands around and get's milked by the farmer?
Sam:*sigh*... you do know that...
(Fade out)
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Gandalf:Beware!!! DOOM! With big sharp pointy teath!
Boramir:Is it behind the rabbit?
Gandalf:It is the rabbit!
Aragorn:Go chop off its head Sir Boramir.
Boramir:With plesure...
(Boramir charges the rabbit, sword drawn, the rabbit takes Boramirs head off.)
Everyone exept Boramir and the rabbit:*Gasp!*
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[jammi567]

DIY = Do It Yourself.

[Gwaimir Windgem]

Red Green. Awesome show.

[me9996]

You got it (Red Green show)
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(Aragorn and Gandalf are standing around talking, Gimli comes in wereing a bear hide)
Gimli:ARG!!! I'm a berzerk!
Aragorn:A berzerker?
Gimli:NO!!! A berzerk! Has everyone been brainwashed by RPG games these days?
Aragorn:What's the difference?
Gimli:A berzerk is an elite viking warrior that fights in a rage, a berzerker is a made up guy that fights like a berzerk.
Aragorn:Oh.
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Little known fact (from hearsay) berzerk is ether after norse for bear hide or bare hide, refering to the berzerks cloathing
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(Sam is building a model of Minus Tirith, enter Frodo wereing a helmet with horns on it)
Frodo:I'm going with Gimli to become a viking!
Sam:That's going to take a while.
Frodo:Huh?
Sam:Vikings don't seem to exist in this world.
Frodo:Well Gimli is going to find them!
(Exit Frodo)
Sam:Just remember that they like ot raid things.
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The real funny part is that tolkenesque dwarves were from norse mytholigy :D
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(Gimli and Frodo are sailing along when they come across a longboat full of singing viking veggys)
Viking Veggys:We're the vikings! lalalalalalalalala...
Gimli:I think they might be who we're after...
(Gimli and Frodo get on the longboat to find...)
Frodo:These vikings are vegtables!!!
Gimli:HUH?!?
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[me9996]

Gee, is anyone here anymore?
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(Gandalf enters the shire)
Gandalf:I wonder why saruman pointed out this spot on the map for looking for people to help those dwarves... Oh no it's...
(Dun dun da!)
Gandalf:TELETUBBY LAND!!!
(Gandalf starts cowering, enter a hobbit)
Hobbit:It's one of the big people, I wonder if they're as dopy as every says they are...
(The hobbit walks up to Gandalf)
Hobbit:Hello big person!
Gandalf:EHH!!!
Hobbit:I just wanted to know, are big people as soft in the head as us hobbits say?
Gandalf:ERG!!!
Hobbit:Hello?
Gandalf:URK!!!
Hobbit:I guess that's a yes...
(The hobbit walks off, Gandalf still cowering)
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[jammi567]

maybe you could put a link in your sig, or get someone else to.

[me9996]

I call this, "guess the parady", each short has it's own parady but only one per short...
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(Gandalf and Saruman at Orthanc)
Gandalf:If you strike me down I will become more powerful than you could ever imagen!
(Saruman force chokes Gandalf)
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(The eye vs. Aragorn sceen)
Aragorn:Hello, I am Aragorn Son of Arathorn, you kill my father, prepair to dye!
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I'm running a little short on paradys right now, at least ones I'd rather put with LOTR... So that's it.
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[me9996]

(Gandalf and Pippin are standing in the shire talking)
Pippin:I don't think you're realy a wizard.
Gandalf: Oh realy? Look at this!
(Gandalf takes off his hat and pulls out a bunny)
Gandalf:See?
Pippin:I've seen better.
(Aragorn enters dressed as a barber)
Aragorn:I'm a lumberjack and I'm-
(Gandalf pulls his hat over Aragorn and Aragorn disapears)
Pippin:Now that's magic!

[me9996]

(Gandalf and Saruman aproach Aragorn)
Gandalf:So, Aragorn what do you think about cats?
Aragorn:CAT?!? WERE?!? DON'T LET IT EAT ME!!!
(Aragorn runs off screaming, Gandalf hands Saruman a coin)

[me9996]

(Costume party in middle earth, Aragorn and Gandalf are talking)
Aragorn:I'm dressed as a clown! What are you dressed as?
Gandalf:I'm dressed as a wizard!
Aragorn:Um, but aren't you a wizard?
Gandalf:I'm dressing as Merlin... I was trying to make you guess who...
Aragorn:Yeah... Right....
(Frodo comes in dressed as a lawn gnome)
Aragorn:I know! You're dressed as lawn gnome!
Frodo:No! I... AM your father!
Aragorn:Huh?
Gandalf:Huh?
Frodo:It was a joke.
Gandalf:Riiiiight...
me9996:5 or 6 "i"s in "Riiiiight..."?
Gandalf:5.
me9996:Gotya.
(me9996 disapears in a poof of smoke)
Frodo:Who was that masked mooter?
Aragorn:Is that a joke?
Frodo(Flatly):Yes.
(Enter Elrond in a suit and tie... And sunglasses)
Elrond:Hello mr. Baggens.
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[jammi567]

*Frodo is in Ithilian with Sam and Faramir. Is looking very dazed*
Frodo: Errrrrr, where are we?
*Faramir looks at Sam*
Far: And this is the person who's the saviour of middle earth?
Sam: Unfortunatly, yes
Far: God help us all, then.

[me9996]

(Gandalf and Aragorn are talking)
Aragorn:So, what ever happened to that flood in the cafe' building?
Gandalf:Something about a reactor...
Aragorn:I think they should have had a cat clean it up.
Gandalf: 1: How would they do that? and 2: A cat couldn't do that!
Aragorn: They'd use kitty treats!
Gandalf: But a cat couldn't do that whole thing!
Aragorn: Cats are the real owners, ever nodice that they get fed and housed?
Gandalf: Aragorn, you are out of your noggin!
(A cat comes up and shoots lightning at them)
Cat: GIVE ME KITTY TREATS!!!
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[Thain Peregrin Took I]

*Arwen and Eowyn form heavy metal band*
Arwen and Eowyn: *rock out*
Faramir and Aragorn: *jaws drop* Duuuuuuuuuuude.

[me9996]

(That scean ware Aragorn fell off a cliff and is dreaming)
Aragorn: This is a dream...
Arwen: Then this is a good dream
(Der kissy kissy)
Aragorn: Huh? What that?
(Aragorn points to 3 orcs in dresses talking is falsetto voices)
Arwen: I told you this was a dream...
(Aragorn turns to Arwen to find...)
Aragorn: You've got Gandalfs beard!!!
Arwen(Mumbleing due to beard): Diddn't I tell you this was a dream?
Aragorn: I hope this is a dream ware I can fly!
(Aragorn jumps out the window)
Orc1(falsetto): Well? Is it time for bridge yet?
Arwen(Still mumbleing): Yeah...
(They set up a table and start playing cards, meanwhile Aragorn is falling)
Aragorn:Let's see, what do I need to fly? Happy thoughts and... What else... PIXIE DUST!
(Back to Arwen, we hear a thud)
Orc2(Falsetto): Have any clubs?
Orc1(Flalsetto): GIN!
(Orc1 lays out a royal flush)
Arwen(Still mumbleing): Cheater!
(Arwen pulls an uzi out from under the table, the orcs all pull out handguns, matrix fight insues)
Elrond: All Matrix/LOTR paradys must involve me!
(Elrond joins in the fight, Aragorn flys up to the window)
Aragorn: You'd never beleave it! I fell in a shipment of pixie dust! I can fly I can fly I can fly!
(Legolas enters with package)
Legolas: I've got a package here for Aragorn, your socks are here...
(Elrond shoots off legolases legs)
Elrond: He shall henseforth be known as Legless!
(Aragorn starts kissing Arwen, then wakes up to find he's kissing his horse)
Aragorn: EW!!!

[me9996]

(Aragorn is sitting in a chair, the words "daily weird thing" shows up floating in the air)
Aragorn: Today we examin that strange fealing of desa vu, the strange fealing you've lived through something before...
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(Aragorn is sitting in a chair, the words "daily weird thing" shows up floating in the air)
Aragorn: Today we examin the stange fealing... of desa vu, the strange feal-
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(Aragorn is sitting in a chair, the words "daily weird thing" shows up floating in the air)
Aragorn:AAAHHH!!!
(Aragorn runs outside to a milk truck)
Milkhobbit: Haven't I seen you before?
Aragorn: I don't think so, quick! I need mental help!
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(Aragorn runs outside to a milk truck)
Milkhobbit: Haven't I seen you before?
Aragorn: I don't think so, quick! I need mental help!
(They drive off to the dairy)
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Guess what all that was about :rolleyes: :p
(What would be realy funny was if by some bug this was dubble or tripple posted)
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[me9996]

Thorin: This is Sneezey, Happy, Sleapy, Dopey, Grumpy, and Bashful. And I am Doc...

[Thain Peregrin Took I]

Aragorn (singing to tune of Adleweiss): Anduril! Anduril!
I can still remember when you were Narsil!
Long and sharp,
Can cut through a tarp,
I am tired of shaving with you.
I would rather shave with a knife,
Or even better: a razor!
Anduril, Anduril!
You won't be my razor forever!

[me9996]

Razor... Hehehe...
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Aragorn: I like cheese!
Sam: Huh?
Aragorn: I like cheese!
Sam: What?
Aragorn: I like cheese!
Sam: Why do you think I want to know?
Aragorn: I like cheese!
Sam: Help!
(Enter Frodo)
Sam: FRODO!!! WHAT'S WRONG WITH ARAGORN?!?
Frodo: Why do I always have to get rid of the ring? WAAAA!!!
Sam: Another whine and cheese joke... Come on!
(Lightning strikes Sam)
Sam: What's that about?!?
(A big stampede of cows runs over Sam)
Sam: OW! What was that about?!?
(A large rock suddenly shows up above Sams head)
Sam: Stop this!!!
(The Large rock bounces off of Sams head)
Sam: What?
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[me9996]

Aragorn: And now I will defeat you orcs!
(A foot walks in)
Foot: Hello, I'm from the organization for foots rights.
Aragorn: Yeah? And?
Foot: I have here a nodice, it says you cannot defeat any orcs. You can kill distroy and conquer orcs for all we care but you cannot defeat them. Good day.
Aragorn: What was that about?
Orc: How does a foot walk all by itself?

[me9996]

And here is a bit of a joke about those online fanticy games... Hehehe...
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(Bilbo is entering that part of the dwarven mines that Smog stayed in)
Smog: Hahaha! N00b!
Bilbo: Huh?
Smog: Yr a n00b!
Bilbo: What are you talking about?
Smog: Yr on a quest for those n00bs the lakemen! I pwned them all when I was a n00b! But now I'm 1337!
Bilbo: What are you talking about?
Smog: You n00by hobbit! With that ring from that n00b Souron!
Bilbo: This invisability ring?
Smog: N00b! That's the one ring to rule them all!
Bilbo: What?
Smog: Tr8 that ring for this one.
Bilbo: I'm out of here.
Smog: N00B!!!
(Smog breaths fire, and misses Bilbo alltogether)
Bilbo: AAAHHH!!!
(Bilbo runs up the tunnel, Smog breaths fire after him... As he reachs the enterance)
Thorin: You n00bs! I get the arkinstone!
Bombur: I'm not a n00b!
Bilbo: What on middle earth?!?
Thorin: Oh, you... Are you on fire?
Bilbo: YES!!! PUT ME OUT!!! PUT ME OUT!!!
(Bilbo starts runing in curcles, and yes, he is on fire)
Thorin: You see, I can get alot of coin for this water and we're a little short...
Bilbo: What are you talking about?!? I'm on fire! Put me out with something!
Thorin: How about this?
(Thorin holds up a bucket of... Stuff)
Bilbo: Just put me out!
(Thorin throws the bucket of stuff on Bilbo, it bursts into flame)
Thorin: I guess that was tar...
Bombur: Who's the n00b now?
Bilbo: Put me out!
Thorin: I have an idea! Use a blanket on him!
(One of the dwarves puts out the fire)
Bilbo: Thank you!
Thorin:Yw.
Bilbo: ARG!!!
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Scary, eh? Sorry if anyone is offended by the above.
And now for something, completely different.
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(The fellowship of the ring is leaveing Lothlorain, the elves are waveing and smileing)
Celeborn: Are they gone yet?
Gladrael: I think so...
Celeborn: POOL PARTY!!!
(The elves all jump in the river and start swiming around)
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[me9996]

Aragorn: Hello, I am here to warn you about the dangers of fighting orcs...
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Frodo: Hello, I am Frodo Baggens, and I am a ringoholic!
Gollum: Hi Baggens!
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[me9996]

(At that place in Rohan... Why can't I remember the name?!? :rolleyes: )
Rohan guard: May I take your weapons?
Legolas: Certanly!
Gimli: Why not? I've got a spare.
Legolas: What do tires have to do with anything?
Aragorn: Eh, why not.
Gandalf: Okay, I don't need it anyway...
(They all hand their weapons to the Guard)
Rohan guard: Thank you very much.
(The guard mounts a horse with the weapons and rides away)

[me9996]

(Inside Orthanc)
Saruman: You know Gandalf, I was going to take over middle earth but I don't think I will now...
Gandalf: I realy don't like those nasty... TELETUBBYS!!!
Saruman: I didn't know there were teletubbys in middle earth...
Gandalf: Those... HOBBITS!!!... They live in little hills and act so... GRR!!!
(Treebeard starts banging his head on the base of the tower)
Treebeard: Whoo!!! Had to much coffee!!! COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE!!!

[me9996]

(Legolas is reading a book entidled 'change your outlook on life'. Enter Aragorn)
Aragorn: What's that book?
Legolas: Just a little Elf-help
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(Aragorn is bringing a box into a storage building)
Gandalf: Need a little help with that?
Aragorn: Shure...
(Aragorn sets down the box)
Voice from box: Help! Help! He's got me traped in here!
Gandalf: Have you got someone in that box?
Aragorn: Yeah, Legolas, just a little Elf-storage...
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[me9996]

(Sam is under Minus Tirith with a keg... Of gunpowder you goofs!)
Sam: Muhahaha!!! I will light this up and distroy Minus Tirith!
Treebeard: WHEEEEEE!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Sam: Uh...
Treebeard: WHATAREYOUDOING?WHATAREYOUDOING?WHATAREYOUDOING?
Sam: I'm-
Treebeard: HURRYUPIWANTCOFFIEIWANTCOFFIEIWANTCOFFIE!!!
Sam: You see I'm-
Treebeard: OOH!!!ISTHATCOFFIE?ISTHATCOFFIE???YAY!!!
(Treebeard eats the gunpowder)

[Thain Peregrin Took I]

Gandalf: Frodo is still alive. *looks at dead body* ...or not.

----

Commercial dude: So easy, a Fool of a Took could do it!

[super-pippin]

I would like to start of by saying hi to me bro Me9996 ... yay!!!!!
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* a thump thump thump comes from the stair way *

Gandalf: will that boy ever be light on his feet?

Pippin:... no... never.... never ever... not in a million years... nuh uh...

Gimli: all elvs are that way!

* Legoles jumps down past the three first steps*

Legoles: hey guys! * coughs* i'm clean shaven again if you know what i mean.

Gandalf: yeah you were awfuly scruffy before wern't ya?

Legoles: you bet.. uh hey.. Gimli?

Gimli: yeah ya old elf?

Legoles: can i borrow your platform shoes?

Gimli: i spose you could eh' then.

Pippin: you never let me borrow them, even when i was going out with that Blackberry farmer's daughter!

Gimli: you arnt an elf.. me love elves!

Gandalf:.... you bet.
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to be continude even though it aint that funny yet. :p

[me9996]

Might as well do a christmas thingy now...
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(Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin are christmas caroling)
The Hobbits: We wish you a merry christmas, we wish you a merry christmas, we wish you a merry christmas and a happy new year!
Aragorn: Why thank you...
The Hobbits: Now bring us some figgy pudding, now bring us some figgy pudding, now bring us some figgy pudding we'll eat it right here!
Aragorn: I don't have any figgy pudding...
The Hobbits: We won't leave untill we get some, we won't leave untill we'll get some, we won't leave untill we get some so bring it right here!
Aragorn: I have very little pudding and absolutly no figgy!
(Gandalf apears)
Gandalf: You stole that joke from the red green show! That's not very christmasy!
Aragorn: But what is figgy pudding?!?
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[me9996]

More christmas stuff, I know it's in the same day but it's not exactly a long time to christmas...
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First a huge christmas carrol parady...
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(Bilbo is sitting is his hobbit hole late at night, he seems to be eating something)
Bilbo: Ah well, that insadent at the door must have been all my head.
(Enter the ghost of Frodos father - of whom I forget the name...)
Bilbo: AAHHH!
Frodo's dad: Scrooge!!!
Bilbo: What? That's not my name!
Frodo's dad: Well a bunch of christmasy ghostys thing will come by later tonight.
Bilbo: I gotta stop eating pizza before bed...
Frodo's dad: The first at 1 the second at 2-
Bilbo: And the third at 3 I assume?
Frodo's dad: No, he's comeing later at 3:30.
Bilbo: And I'm ment to stay up this late?
Frodo's dad: Uh, yeah...
Bilbo: Night night Mr. Ghost...
(Bilbo falls aleap and starts snoreing...)
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(Now for a quick brake and something funny inbetween the funnys...)
Frodo: Do you have pointy ears?
Legolas: Yes...
Frodo: Then this is for you! The ear rounder 2000! Yes the ear rounder 2000!
Legolas: Is this a comershal? Am I on tv?!? YAY!!!
(And now back to our main feature)
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(The clock is now strikeing 1:00)
Clock: Coo-coo! Coo-coo!
Bilbo: That's funny I've never had a Kucoo clock before...
???: Hello! I am the ghost of christmas past!
Bilbo: What?
Ghost of christmas past: I have come to show you your past!
Bilbo: You know I can remember that myself.
Ghost of christmas past: Quick! Now to fly out the window!
Bilbo: Huh?
Ghost of christmas past: Hold my hand so you don't plummet to your death!
Bilbo: Um, Mr. Past, I only have one floor.
(We see the outside of the hobbit hole which indeed has only one floor)
Ghost of christmas past: Oh, never mind just come on!
(They go flying around pointlessly for a little while... They land in snow)
Bilbo: Where are we?
Ghost of christmas past: Don't you reconise it?
Bilbo: Nope, too dizzy...
Ghost of christmas past: We're at your childhood home...
Bilbo: But I've always lived at bag end...
(We see that it is bag end)
Ghost of christmas past: Oh yeah, not much to see here... Kinda boreing infact.
Bilbo: So why are we here?
Ghost of christmas past: It made more sence on paper... Now to that christmas at the lonely mounten!
(They zoom around and around till they get to the loney mounten)
Ghost of christmas past: Here we are! See that - hey wait a minute! Were are you?
Bilbo: I'm right here.
Ghost of christmas past: I ment the you of the past!
Bilbo: Over in laketown...
Ghost of christmas past: ...
Bilbo: Can I get some sleep before the next ghosty get's here?
Ghost of christmas past: Fine...
(They fly back the ghost of christmas past disapears and Bilbo goes to bed)
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Time for another brake... Beleave it or not I typed "Ghost of christmas past" by hand every time... Well I used a keyboard as with everthing on here but you know what I mean...
(Quick funny)
Frodo: Do you have pointy ears?
Gandalf: No.
Frodo: Then this is for you! The ear rounder 2000! Yes the ear rounder 2000!
Gandalf: That's it!
(Gandalf turns Frodo into a pink fluffy bunny)
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(Back in hobbiton, the clock strikes 2:00)
Clock: Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding.
(13 dings for those who don't want to count)
Bilbo: Time to get a new clock!
Ghost of christmas presant: Hello! I am the ghost of christmas presant!
Bilbo: Do I get a presant?
Ghost of christmas presant: Um...
Bilbo: So what are you going to show me?
Ghost of christmas presant: Well follow me.
(The Ghost of christmas presant leads him to tomarrow at his own hobbit hole)
Bilbo: Hey look! I'm haveing a party! And there's Frodo!
Ghost of christmas presant: Yes... Okay that's about it...
Bilbo: Are you going to give me a presant?
Ghost of christmas presant: NO I'M NOT!!!
(The Ghost of christmas present disapears and Bilbo is back in the right time, Bilbo goes to sleep)
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Again the only copy and paste here is for the dividers like the one above this line.
Fluffy pink bunny: Do you have pointy ears? I know I do...
(Laugh track)
Fluffy pink bunny: That's why I use the ear rounder 2000!
(He trys to use it and gets his ears cought in it)
Fluffy pink bunny: HELP! HELP ME!!! HELP MEEE!!!!
(Fade out)
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(And now back to our movie- er, script, thingy... You know... This thing?)
Bilbo: I wonder what time it is...
(The clock strikes 3:30)
Clock: Year! New happy a and christmas merry a you wish we, chistmas merry ayou wish we, christmas merry a you wish we!
Bilbo: So that's what happens when you play "We wish you a merry christmas" backwords!
(I have no experaice with this myself)
Bilbo: So where is that Ghosty?
(Time passes, the clock strikes 4:00)
Clock: WEE are the knights who say NEE!
Bilbo: Were is he?
(Enter Ghost of christmas future)
Bilbo: You're late, so what pointless thing do you have to show me?
(They travel to the future to a graveyard... Muhahaha)
Bilbo: Oh, do I die in the future?
(The Ghost of christmas future points out a tomestone)
Bilbo: I supose that's mine?
(Bilbo looks close at the gravestone)
Bilbo: Hey, this isn't mine! It belongs to someone named "J.R.R. Tolkien"... Who on midde earth is that?
(Bilbo finds himself in his chair with a half-empty pizza box on his lap)
Bilbo: That was strange...

And Bilbo was as good as his word and better!
He was like a father to tiny Frodo baggens,
and became known as mad baggens.

And as tiny Frodo remarked:
"God bless us, every one"

The End

So that's it. The ultamate christmas "they'd never say that"...

Merry christmas!

[me9996]

Okay, I'm doing my first "They'd never say that!" since I've come back to the board.

Please forgive any misspellings :rolleyes: :D
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(counsel of Elrond)
Elrond: As this is going to take a while I have taken the privlage of ordering Chinese food.
(Doorbell)
Elrond: Ah, here it is.
(Elrond goes to get the food)
Frodo: You know it's a good place if they deliver to middle earth.
Sam: True.
(Elrond comes back with the food)
Elrond: Allright, who wants a wonton?
Gimli: NOOOO!!! STOP THE WONTON CARNAGE!!!
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(Gandalf is standing a field acting scary)
Gandalf: I am Gandalf!!! AND GANDALF MEANS ME!!!
(Thunder and lightning, Enter Frodo and Sam)
Sam: Look mister Frodo! A gizard!
Frodo: I thought it was fizard.
Sam: Or fuzard.
Frodo: OR fuzzle.
Sam: Or truzzle.
Frodo: Or trobble.
Sam: Let's see, wizard to trobble in 1, 2, 3... 6 words!
Frodo: Our best yet!
Sam: Although I'm not shure "Truzzle" is a real word...
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[me9996]

(The hobbits are hideing and that ringwraith starts sniffing around)
Ringwraith: *Sniff sniff* UGH! What is that funky smell?!?
Sam: Sorry! I didn't shower this morning!

[me9996]

Sam: She's a elf!
Frodo: Thank you, Captan Obvious!

[jammi567]

Legolas: he's gorgous.....
___________________________
Cloud (from final fantasy vii): ohhh yeah, kick some fu......where the hell am i?
Gandalf: in lord of the rings of course.
Cloud: but i'm not meant to be here. i'm meant to be in a horrible rendered 3-d world with a guy with a gun for an arm!!
Gandalf: okay.....
(there's a small pop and harry potter appears)
harry: okay, these are where the hor....what the hell?
Cloud: according to this old man, we're in lord of the rings.
harry: but i'm not meant to be here. i'm meant to be finding and distroying the horcruxes so i can defeat the most powerful wizard in the world!!

[me9996]

Boramir: So, which way do we go? Legolas?
Legolas: How am I to know? I'm an elf! I just stand around looking pretty!
Boramir: Is that all?
Legolas: And I've lissened to too many blond jokes!
Boramir: Great, Gandalf?
Gandalf: Get-'er-done!!!
Boramir: Riiiiight... Gimli
Gimli: HEHEHEHEHEHE!!!
Boramir: Have you been in the coffie again?
Gimli: Moria Moria Moria!!!
Boramir: Is that your final answer?
Gimli: YES!!!
Boramir: Got'ya. How about you Aragorn?
Aragorn: BLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLB...
Boramir: They never should'a let you out of the asylum.
(Aragorn puts on glasses, a fake mustash, and a hankerchiff on his head)
Aragorn: I'm the cow who went over the moon!
Boramir: Right, next?
Frodo: I protest the discrimanation of hobbits in this party!
Boramir: So, any of you hobbits got an idea?
Frodo: Urm, no.
Boramir: So, I guess by default we're heading for Moria, any problems with that?
Legolas: No.
Gandalf: No.
Gimli: No.
Aragorn: No.
Hobbits: No.
King Arthur: No.
Boramir: ... 'Kay ... On to Moria!

[me9996]

Everytime I look at my prevous post I get stuck for ideas.
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What everyone is realy saying when they're speaking elvish in the movies: :evil:
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(Before the battle of helms deep, translated from elvish)
Legolas: Hey, Aragorn!
Aragorn: Hi leg-less!
Legolas: Don't call me that! :mad:
Aragorn(In the comman toung :rolleyes: ): Then I shall die as one of them!!!
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Arwen: I like banana splits on my coffie.
Elrond: Why are we talking about this again?
Arwen: Becuase I realy like saying strange things in elvish!
Elrond: You are a crazy little girl! How did I raze such a crazy one?
Arwen(In the comman toung): Of coarce you have my love Ada
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Of chorce this isn't realy what they're saying but I'm makeing funny storys :D

[me9996]

Smegol: Let's take them to her
Gollum: NO!!! SHE'S TO HORRIBLE!!!
(Later)
Gollum: Now go through the tunnel, nice hobbit :evil:
Frodo: Erm, allright... By the way, what happened to Sam?
Smegol: *Wisles*
Frodo: Alight, on I go!
(Frodo goes through the tunnel and comes out to find Gladrail)
Gladrial: Welcome Frodo of the shire... LA LALA LALA!!!
(Gladiel goes skiping around looking lightheaded enough that one might think the she was the base of all the blond jokes you've ever heard)
Frodo: *Gasp!* It's too horrible!!!
(Enter Sam)
Sam: Frodo! Smegol tied me up with that worthless elf rope!
Frodo: Gollum, is this true?
Smegol: No, it isn't... He's a lier!
Gollum: NO! WE DID IT!!! WE DID IT!!!
Sam: Quick Frodo! Give me the ring and rather than a dark lord...
You shall have a bean!
Not dark but spicy and terrable as the dawn!
Merciless as the sea!
All shall eat and dispare!
Frodo: ... You've been in the lambres again, haven't you sam?
Sam: I have not! Well maybe a little...
__________________

[me9996]

(The following are set at Saruman adressing the fighting Uruk-Hai)
__________________
Saruman: A new power is riseing! It's victory is at hand! We will use the beans of power to drive the race of man from middle earth forever!
(We hear much flatulance from the audiance)
Saruman: :eek:
(Saruman turns around)
Saruman: Wormtoung! Did you give the Uruk-Hai their beans early?!?
__________________
Saruman: I regret to inform you that the presadent is dead.
__________________
Saruman: I've always had a fear of public speaking *gulp* and hights. :o
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Saruman: So... Anyone here from out of town?
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Saruman: And don't forget to eat a mint!
(My mom came up with that one)
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Saruman: Now as you all know, I've been reading this book called "Lord of the rings" ...
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Saruman: I will need a volunteer from the audiance for my next trick...
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Saruman: Call me Ishmel!
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Saruman: I would like to address that many of you have been useing the fingerpaints on your armour.
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Saruman: Have any of you have any 2's? ... That's realy strange, nobody has any 2's...
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Saruman(Singing): Let's go fly a kite...
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Saruman: I have desided not to go to war with Rohan...
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Saruman: It's 5:00 and all's well!
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Saruman: In the news today...
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Saruman: ... and a teddy bear holding a large heart-shaped candy box has been found if anyone wishes to claim it...
__________________

[me9996]

Gee, not alot of people posting on this thread :confused:
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Uruk-Hai 1: Ah, man-flesh!
Uruk-Hai 2: Something just occured to me...
Uruk-Hai 1: What?
Uruk-Hai 2: Would us eating humans be considered cannibalism?
Uruk-Hai 1: We are fighting Uruk-Hai! Not humans!
Uruk-Hai 2: But as Uruk-Hai we are half human...
Uruk-Hai 1: Then I guess it's only half cannibalism.
Uruk-Hai 2: You can't be halfway a cannibal!
Uruk-Hai 1: Then as it isn't all the way cannibalism it isn't that at all... I didn't expect the spanish inquisition!
(Enter Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli dressed as cardnals)
Aragorn: No one expects the spanish inquisition!
__________________

[super-pippin]

( Legoless puts on Gimli's platform shoes)

Frodo: going on a date tonight?

Legoless: you bet! I've heard she's really pretty!

Gimli: He's going out with my sister! She won best looking beared lady award last year! :D

Gandalf: :eek: ....... that's freaky...

________________________________


( Legoles knocks on 12 foot door )

Grechin: ( talks in scruffy/ squeeky voice) Be there in a second Leggy-poo!

Legoless: ( gulp!) :eek: ...

Grechin: ( opens big door) Hey Leg-o-lace ;)

Legoless: Gechin ?...

Grechin: You ready to go toots?

Legoless: Sure ...

__________________________

Gimli: Howed it go Legonless?

Legoless: I cried when she kissed me :eek: .......

Gimli: You cried :mad: .....

Legoless: Her beard was really rough dude!!!

Gimli: How dare you talk about my baby sister like that!!!!

Legoless: It was scary!!!! :(

Gandalf: Oh don't be a wimp! 1000 years ago i went out with a dwarf girl that looked like a fur ball!!!

Legoless: oh my goodness..... I here on out will never go out with a diffrent species again :eek:

Ganadalf: You baby!!!! ( hits Legoless with staff)

Legoless: ( cries and runs away) you peoples are evil!!!!

Gimli: At least give me back my platform shoes!!! You're 6'7" with em' on ya elf!!!

And all ended well..... With Legoless stuck on a tree by his pants in a thunder storm... THE END...

[me9996]

I know this has been done before and that I was the one to do it but I think it might be worth telling again...

And while I'm at it I might as well do another few I've done before...
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Lead Nasgul: Do not come between a nasgul and its prey or we will take you to the houses of lamination where you will be covered in a thin layer of plastic which will make you waterproof!
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(Moria pre-orcs)
Dwarves: We tink tink tink tink, tink tink tink we tink- Hey! There are humans in here!
Walt Disney: RUN!!!
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And now, a new one as reruns can be realy annoying :rolleyes: :p
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Tom Bombadill: You know, I think I'll become an undertaker...
Goldberry: Maybe you'll be good at that, what was your last job? I forget.
Tom Bombadill: From now on call be Tome Bombadill!
__________________

[me9996]

Legolas: Introduceing this has made me queasy, I tell you talking shakspearain isn't easy!
__________________
(we come in to see the lead nasgul smacking around a bunch of roherim)
Lead nasgul: No man can kill or hinder me!
(Enter Eowen looking threataning)
Eowen: I am no man!
Legolas: Allright, how is this shakespearain?
me9996: It's like MacBeth, you see MacBeth bugged some whiches untill he was told that no man of woman born could kill him, so fighting those who don't want him to be king he's near invincable untill in comes-
(Everyone but me9996 coves their ears and starts walking off)
Legolas: I'm not lissening! I'm not lissening!
Eowen: Not sticking around for this!
Lead nasgul: La dee da dee da, la dee dee, dee da de la...
me9996: Oh come on!
__________________

[me9996]

Goldberry: I AM GOLD BURRY!!! I LIKE TO BURRY THINGS!!!

[me9996]

(Enter Aragorn with fake elf ears on)
Legolas: Elvish impersonator!
__________________
(At Aragorns coranation dinner)
Aragorn: Wow, this is nice chicken! What's the secret?
Chef: Elvish parsley!
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(Legolas, Gandalf, And Frodo are standing on a stage in an empty theidor)
Legolas: I can't beleave I've been roped into another Shakspear joke!
(Enter Aragorn in a turkey costume)
Gandalf: What is that?!?
Aragorn: You said I was supost to be a king disgised as a phesant!
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Aragorn: Arwen?
Arwen: Yes?
Aragorn: We can't be together.
Arwen: Why not?
Aragon: Your last name is Underpants!
Arwen: What?
Aragorn: I can't merry someone named Underpants!
Arwen: What? Why not?
Aragorn: Well, I don't have a last name, so all the children will have the last name of Underpants!
Arwen: What makes you think my last name is underpants?
Aragorn: Erm, Gandalf told me!
Arwen: Gandalf, did you tell Aragorn my last name was underpants?
Gandalf: No! I didn't say your last name was underpants! I said it was Undomiel!
Aragorn: See? UNDERPANTS!!!
__________________
Sorry if that offended anyone... But realy, the last name of 'underpants'!

And now, for something, compleatly different...

Another, elf, joke.
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Aragorn: Say, Legolas, I heard you were takeing karate lessons.
Legolas: Yes, I want to know it for elf-defence!
__________________

[me9996]

(At the battle of 5 armys)
Thorin Oakenshield: We've got them now dwarves! Those goblins had better run!
Bilbo: Look out Thorin! It's Tome Bombadill and Gold Bury!
Tom(e) Bombadill: We are here to bury the dead!
Gold Berry/Bury: I like to bury things!
Thorin Oakenshield: I'm not dead yet!
__________________

[me9996]

Okay, time to come up with something funny... :rolleyes:
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(Inside Orthanc Saruman is playing with little toy dolls)
Saruman(High squeeky voice): And insted of a dark lord you shall have a queen! Not dark but beutiful and ter-
(Enter Gandalf)
Gandalf: Saruman! I come seeking counsel!
(Saruman hides the dolls behind his back)
Gandalf: No Sir, I didn't see you playing with your dolls again.
Saruman: Good, now as to counsel...
__________________

[me9996]

Aragorn: Hey Gandalf! Hey Gandalf! Hey Gandalf! Let's play! Let's play!
Gandalf: Fine... How about we do a story game?
Aragorn: YAY!!!
Gandalf: Once apon a time there was a little happy village... Your turn.
Aragorn: And it was invaded by pink fluffy hamsters!!!
Gandalf:...

[me9996]

(Gandalf is standing around, in runs Legolas looking scared)
Legolas: Help me! The pink elephants are after me!
Gandalf: I never thought me9996 would bring drunkeness into this...
Legolas: No realy! There are pink elephants after me!
Gandalf: Have been drinking?
Legolas: Only one!
Gandalf: Oh realy?
(Then Legolas turns around, screams like a girl, and runs from pink -yes pink!- elephants)
Gandalf: ... Maybe I've had to many...
(Gandalf walks off screen, we see Gimli holding a paintbrush)
Gimli: It is amazeing what one can do to encourage sobrity by just painting a few elephant pink.

[me9996]

Boramir(Singing): I am the very model of a modern major general,
I know information vegtable, animal, and mineral,
I know the kings of engeland in order catagorical,
allthough my knowlage military is limited to the turn of the cenutry.
I am the very model of a modern major general!
Legolas, Gimli, and Aragorn(Singing falsetto): He is the very model of a modern major general!
Boramir: I-
Peter Jackson: Help! Help!
(Enter Peter Jackson looking scared)
Peter Jackson: Help me! They're after me! AHHHH!!!
(Exit Peter Jackson, enter army of squirels and Ragast the brown, Ragast stands in the middle of the flooding army of squirels looking dinamic)
Ragast: Go forth my army! Reek my vengance! You shall pay Peter Jackson! You shall pay!!!
(Fin)
Frodo: Why is the word 'fin' at the end of so many movies?
Sam: It's french and is pronounced 'fan'.
Ragast: ARG!!! YOU'RE BUTCHERING THE FRENCH LAUNGIGE!!!

[luvEyowen]

OK.....I know I haven't been here for like FOREVER...here goes! :)

Frodo: I Really wish that I were the dark lord, he looks so cool being an eye and all that!
Dark Lord: K....U R just WEIRD
Frodo:What?
Dark Lord: I Want the ring, dude
Frodo: So?
Dark Lord: You Can Be the dark lord if you give me the ring
Frodo: Why do you want the ring?
Dark lord: So I can be a pretty hobbit-lass!

[me9996]

Aragorn: Use the force Frodo!
Frodo: You goof! This is LOTR! Not Starwars!
Aragorn(Waveing hand): This is Starwars.
Frodo: No, it's not.
Aragorn(Waveing hand): This is Starwars.
Frodo: No, it's not!
Aragorn(Waveing hand): This is Starwars
Frodo: ... I'm leaveing now.
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(Gandalf, Aragorn, Arwen, Sam, Frodo, and Boramir are at a party or something)
Gandalf: Okay! Party game time! I was givein this bag here by gladreal and it's filled with things we can pretend to be! Everyone take one and I'll try to guess them!
(Everone exept Gandalf takes a peace of paper from the bag)
Gandalf: So who wants to go first?
Boramir: Me! Me! MEEEEE!!!
Gandalf: Okay, you first.
(Boramir starts to put his arms out)
Gandalf: You're an ent with a stomach ache.
Boramir: Huh? Yeah, how'd you know?
Gandalf: Realy easy.
Frodo: I'm next!
(Frodo runs out of the room and returns dressed like Gandalf, includeing a staff and fake beard!)
Frodo(Deep voice): YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!
Gandalf: Hmm... A crossing guard?
Frodo(Deep voice): Fool of a Took! Next time throw yourself in!
Gandalf: Um, Gladreil?
Frodo(Takeing aback): Erm, no.
Gandalf: Aw...
Frodo(Deep voice): CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...
Gandalf: Aha! It's me!!! :D :D :D
Frodo(Deep voice): ...EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...
Gandalf: You can stop now you know.
Frodo(Deep voice): ...EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...
(And so it goes for some time)
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Aragorn: I can proove we're in Starwars.
Frodo: How?
Aragorn: Meet my friend, General Grevous.
(Enter General Grevous)
Gen. Grevous: Wow, so this is what middle earth is ment to look like...
Frodo: AHA! He knows he's out of Starwars!
Aragorn: Grevous, I'm going to have to kill you know.
(Aragorn draws out Anduril which is glowing red Grevous screams like a girl and runs out of the room)
Frodo(Sarcastic): A brave one isn't he?
(Grevous returns with a giant mousetrap)
__________________

[me9996]

And now for a surpeme Starwars/LOTR parody.

Ringwars episode 1A: The fellowship of the ring!

The allience of men and elves against the dark lord Souron has had many victorys.
To resolve this problem the dark lord has constructed a giant ring with the firepower to distroy an entire planet.
And so the allience has sent a fellowship -mostly of hobbits- to find a weekness in the ring and distroy it...

(Pan to see a spaceship flying through space with the words "aged eagle" on the side, it flys untill we see both it and a giant ring floating in space.
Then we go to inside the spaceship where we see the four hobbits, Gandalf dressed like Han Solo, and Boramir dressed as a jedi.)
Frodo: So that's the ring?
Gandalf: Yup, I have a bad fealing about this.
Boramir: We must distroy it or the dark lord Soruon's power will be unmatched.
Gandalf: Uh oh, we're cought in a tractor beam!
Frodo: What do tractors have to do with anything?
(To be contenued...)

[Thain Peregrin Took I]

(At the Council of Elrond)
Frodo: Oh, bleep.
Elves: *GASP!!!!*
Frodo: What?
Legolas: In Elvish, 'bleep' isn't used as a replacement for a bad word, it is a bad word.
Aragorn: I've never heard of it. What does it mean?
(Legolas whispers in Aragorn's ear)
Aragorn: *GASP!!!* *slaps Frodo's mouth*
Frodo: What did I say?
(Aragorn whispers to him)
Frodo: WHAT??!?!?!?! *runs looking for soap to put in his mouth*

[Thain Peregrin Took I]

*Aragorn and Arwen are walking along, holding hands* *Eowyn comes in*
Eoywn *sings*: Hey, hey, you, you, I don't like your girlfriend. No way, no way, I think you need a new one. Hey, hey, you, you, I could be your girlfriend.
Aragorn and Arwen: *stares* *walks away slowly*

[me9996]

(Bridge of Balen-Dur)
Gandalf: You shall not pass!!!
Balrog: I know you don't fear my fire, but what about your friends here?
Gandalf: NEVER!!!
(Gandalf shoots lightning at the Balrog who seems starts flailing around dramaiticly)
Balrog: Lightning! Lightning! Oh what a world, what a world! To think a good little girl like you could distroy by beutiful wickedness!
Gandalf: Excuse me?
(Balrog falls off the bridge)
Balrog(Fadeing away): Lightning! Lightning... Oh what a world, what a world...
(Orc captan peers over the edge)
Orc captan: It's- it's dead... You... Killed it...
Gandalf: I only ment to protect my friends, I didn't-
Orc captan(To orcs): ALL HAIL DORTHY! THE WICKED BALROG IS DEAD!
Orcs: ALL HAIL DORTHY! ALL HAIL DORTHY!
Gandalf: Let's get out of here...
(They all start running)
Orc 35: Hey! Come back here!
(Frodo hesatates)
Gandalf: Fly you fools!!!

[me9996]

(Gandalf rides up to a building in fangorn forest marked "Ent burger")
Quickbeam(From inside): Welcome to Ent Burger! Where our motto is: "Don't be hasty"!
Gandalf: I'd like a hasty burger with CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...
Quickbeam: Um, sir?
Gandalf: ...EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ...
Quickbeam(To someone inside): Bring the manager! That wizard is at it again!
(Treebeard comes forward)
Gandalf: ...EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ...
Quickbeam: Sir, what do we do?
Treebeard: We wait.
Gandalf: ...EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ...
(Some time later, Treebeard, Quickbeam, and the store are all covered in vines)
Gandalf: ...EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ...
Quickbeam(Muffled): Well, now can we do something?
Treebeard(Muffled): Just a little longer...

[me9996]

Ugluk: Oh I'm an Uruk-hai and I'm okay-
(Ugluk is pin-cushioned in an instant with white-feathered arrows)
__________________
(The assault on the black gate, Aragorn and company ride up to the gate)
Aragorn: Let the lord of the black land come forth!
???(French actcent all the time, off camera): Why are you here?
(Everyone looks around)
???(Still of camera): Up here.
(Everyone looks up, at the top of the gate we see the mouth of Souron)
Mouth of Souron(Same as ???): As I said, WHY are you here?
Aragorn: We seek to stop the dark lord from reclaiming the one ring.
Mouth of Souron: Oh yeah? Well he's allready got one!
(Up at the top of the black gate)
Mouth of Souron(To orc archers): I told him we've allready got one!
Orc archers: Hehehehehe
(Back outside)
Aragorn: What? The dark lord allready has one?
Gandalf: Don't give up hope.
Mouth of Souron: Well now go away or we will throw wargs at you!
Aragorn: Run away!!!
Gandalf: Run away!!!
(As the army of good flees the orcs launch unsuspecting wargs at them with catapults)
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[me9996]

As is my custom on the forth of july I will now do a "They'd never say that!" involveing orcs and fireworks.

Mmm...
*Thinks up image of an orc straped to a firework rocket*

Let's try again.
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(Orcs 1&2 are sitting around waiting for fireworks)
Orc 1:...Zzz...
Orc 2: I wonder what's takeing the fireworks so long.
Orc 1:...Zzz...
Orc 2: Wake up!
(Orc 2 shakes Orc 1)
Orc 1: Huh? What? Why'd you wake me?
Orc 2: The fireworks are starting!
(Orc 1 looks around, the fireworks have not started)
Orc 1: I don't see any fireworks.
Orc 2: Ha! HAHAHA! Bwhahahaha!
Orc 1(Sarcastic): Oh yeah, very funny.
Orc 2: Well I- ... You ever get desa-vu?
Orc 1: Is that a kind of chinese food? Because I don't eat chinese food.
Orc 2: It's when you go through something you think you've gone through before.
Orc 1: Ah... Nope.
Orc 2: Even though we allways end up siting next to each other at the fireworks?
Orc 1: ...Zzz...
Orc 2: Aw hobbits.
(The Gandalf starts lighting the fireworks)
Orc 2: Wake up!
Orc 1: Huh? What? Why'd you wake me?
Orc 2: The fireworks are starting!
Orc 1: Yay!!!
Orc 2: And you still don't get desa-vu?
Orc 1: Is that a kind of chinese food? Because I don't eat chinese food.
Orc 2: ...
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Edit/P.S:
My last years one of these is on page one, and this is on... Page 5? Page 6?

[me9996]

My birthday is comeing up...

And now for the funny stuff!
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(Battle of Helms Deep)
Aragorn: See? The dawn comes!
Uruk-Hai captian: What do we care?
(Music starts)
Uruk-Hai captian(singing): Oh I'm an uruk-hai and I'm okay! I fight all night and I fight all day!
Uruk-Hai corus(singing): Oh he's an uruk-hai and he's okay! He fights all night and he fights all day!
Uruk-Hai captian(singing): Oh I'm an uruk-hai and I'm okay! I put on-
(At this moment Gandalf and the roherim charge in)
__________________
(Counsel of Elrond, everyone is wereing strange super-hero costumes)
Elrond: Welcome, counsel of the free super-people of middle earth.
As you may know we have found: THE ONE RUNG! TO RULE THEM ALL!!!
Frodo(A.K.A. Heir of lucky number): I thought it was the one ring.
Elrond: Oops, typo. Well to distroy it we must go to:
MOUNT DOOM!!!
Frodo: Sounds like a big water slide.
Elrond: Be that as it may, we must distroy it, who will go?

In the end 9 were picked:
Heir of Lucky Number(Frodo)
The Dunadan(Aragorn in ranger cloathing made to look like a super-suit)
The Electric Hobbit(Merry in Suit with lightning bolts on it)
Stone Head(Pippin)
Eagle Wizard(Gandalf with wings on his hat)
Wonder Elf(Legolas dressed in a guy vertion of Wonder Womans outfit)
The Dwarf From Down Under(Gimly in stereotypical austrailian outback stuff)
Guardain of the White Tower(Boromir in white)
And... Sam.
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By the way, I was haveing internet problems when I made this so I had to copy and paste it to notepad and then copy and paste it from there now to get it here.

I made it last night :p and by birthday is still comeing up!

[me9996]

(After the battle of pelenor fields)
Gandalf: We must keep his eye on us and away from Frodo!
Aragorn: What are you proposeing?
(Cut to later, sevral of the people of Gondor and doing a play)
Corus(Singing, Falsetto): He is the very model of a modern major general!
Faramir(Singing):I know-
(Eowen comes in with a flame thrower)
Eowen: You let him out and not me?!? RAAAGGGHHHH!!!
(Eowen starts throwing flames with the flamethrower, everyone runs for cover, meanwhile in Balen-dur)
Souron: Hahaha! Now thing is good!
(We see that Souron is useing a palanteir to watch it like a T.V. show, back at Minus Tirith Aragorn and Eomer have ducked behind a building)
Aragorn: Not the cold lady of Rohan anymore, eh?
(Eomer knocks Aragorn over his head, back at Balen-dur)
Souron: Ahahaha! This is just too much!
(Rumbleing)
Souron: Huh?
(Everything crumbles and Souron is now just a wisp but the palanteir is unharmed)
Souron: Aw, hobbits.
(A few years later outside Minus Tirith a scrapy roleing is heard)
Guard: Huh?
(Up roles the palanteir with a wisp behind)
Wisp: Hello, I'm Souron. Could you guys do that funny thing with the flamethrower again?

[me9996]

Song number by rohirrim on way to Minas Tirith.
(Note: This most of the song is ment to have an upbeat tempo but the stuff in italics is ment to be said fast)
(Note2: Unless otherwise noted you are to assume all charictars are singing)

(Rohirrim on way to... Oh, you know!)
Teoden: We ride for death and glo-ory!
Rohirrim Chorus: We ride for death and glo-ory!
Teoden: We ride for death and glo-ory!
Teoden and Rohirrim Chorus: And we're not going to stop on the way!

(Eomer rides forward)
Eomer: Oh I came to ride to the stone city, I know that they hath room!
But it would be fonder I found out yonder yon ol' bath room!

Teoden(Talking): I told you, go before we left!
Eomer(Talking): I did!
(Eomer rides back)

Teoden: We ride for death and glo-ory!
Rohirrim Chorus: We ride for death and glo-ory!
Teoden: We ride for death and glo-ory!
Teoden and Rohirrim Chorus: And we're not going to stop on the way!
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And I can't think of any more verses right now :o

[me9996]

Theoden: Mustard the rohirrim!
Eomer: Huh?
Theoden: Quickly! Bring the ring of mayo!
Eomer: Help!
Frodo(Narrating): And then they put ol' Theo in the funny farm with Gandy.

[me9996]

Forenote: This is based off of the song on the show Mash, not the movie, I have never seen the movie and don't want too.

Forenote 2: When it says they the soldiers are singing, remember: They're all soldiers.

(Soldier dinner hall in Minus Tirith)
Soldiers(singing): Oh, I don't want no more of army life, please Mom I wanna go home!
(Those two rangers who guarded Frodo and Sam stand up, I forget their names :rolleyes: )
Those two rangers(Singing): Oh, rangers in the army, they say we're mighty keen, if we can get our masks off maybe we'll see what you mean!
(They sit down)
Soldiers(singing): Oh, I don't want no more of army life, please Mom I wanna go home!
(Beregond stands up)
Beregond(singing): Oh tower guards in the army, they say our dutys mighty light, if you think it's so easy you try staying there all night!
(Beregond sits down, some scattered laughter and applause)
Soldiers(singing): Oh, I don't want no more of army life, please Mom I wanna go home!
(Faramir stands up)
Faramir(singing): Oh, captains in the army, we order as we please, if there wasn't a war our life would be a breeze!
(Faramir sits down)
Soldiers(singing): Oh, I don't want no more of army life, please Mom I wanna go -but they won't let me go- please Mom I wanna go home!!!
(End song)
__________________
It's my birthday today! YAY! :D

[me9996]

In the end, the following were chosen to become the fellowship of the ring:
Eldrond, Arwen, Legolas, Glorfindel, Gladreal, and Thuranduril to represent the elves. 6

Bombur, Gloin, and Gloin's son Gimli to represent the dwarves. 3

Merry, Pippin, Fatty Boldger, Lothia of the Sackville-baggenses, The old Gaffer, the Gaffer's son Sam, Gollum, Bilbo baggens, and the ring-bearer Frodo to represent the hobbits. 9

Treebeard and Quickbeam to represent the Ents. 2

Tom Bombadill to represent ... whatever he is. 1

Ugluk and Snaga to represent the orcs. 2

Bob to represent the Trolls. 1

Gandalf, Ragast, and Saruman to represent the wizards. 3

Old man willow to represent the trees. 1

A dragon that nobody knows to represent Dragon-kind. 1

Shamu to represent the killer whales. 1

Aragorn, Boramir, Beregon, Eomer, Barliman Butterbur, Thoden, Faramir, Denethor, Bard the dragonslayer, Arathorn, and five of Aragorns ranger friends to represent men. 15

And Eowen to represent women. 1

In the end, 45 were chosen to become the fellowship of the ring.

And as the marched forth from rivendell they realized they had about five times too many people here but they marched on anyway.

(This took so long it logged me off when I tryed to post it so I did some rather strange stuff to get this posted)

(NOT HACKING! NONE OF THAT!)

[super-pippin]

Legolas carying a Lady Elf (Areodin) down a path..

Legalas: Your so light! How much do you weigh?!?

Areodin: Oh, just a ton or so :) .

Legolas: that explains it, allmost half my weight!


( hehehehehehe!!!)

[me9996]

(At that place where the fellowship of the ring broke, Aragorn and Frodo are fighting orcs)
Aragorn: Forsooth! I smite down orcs like butter!
Frodo: You smite butter?
Aragorn: I smite it orfen!
(A giant cat walks up on hind legs)
Cat: Heloo!
Aragorn: I must smite this cat! It is an instrament of Souron!
(Aragorn slashes the cat, his blow skids off the fur)
Cat: Yay! The human wants to play!
Aragorn: Quickly, smite him with your elven blade!
Frodo: I will! And don't call me Quickly!
(Frodo stabs at the giant cat, his blow also slides off)
Cat: Oh yay! I get to play with both the humans!
Frodo: I'm not-
Cat: Oh yay! Orcs to chase!
(The cat starts chaseing orcs like it would mice)
Aragorn: Frodo, fate has smiled on us today.
Frodo: Who's fate?

[super-pippin]

( Frodo at weathertop staring at the Nazgul)

Witch king: Quit straining to keep it from us!

Nazgul: Give our acsesory back! Souron loves it dearly.

2nd Nazgul: gold foreged in Mt. Doom, pure evil and a twist of
perfection to go with any outfit.

[me9996]

(Bilbo in Smaugs cave)
Smaug: Huh? Who's there?
Bilbo: I AM!
(Bilbo steps out of the shadow)
Bilbo: I hold the one ring! You must bow to me!
Smaug: I think I'll just go back to my nap.
Bilbo: What? I comand you by the ring! Bend to my will!
Smaug: Oh yeah? How's this for your will?!?
(Smaug breaths fire against Bilbo, Bilbo is incinerated, Gandalf shows up out'a nowhere)
Gandalf: Say! The one ring can be distroyed by dragon-fire!
Smaug: NOW will you little people let me sleep?
Gandalf: Yes! And thank you for your help with my grand sceme to distroy the one ring!
Smaug(while going to sleep): Brag, brag, brag... Always takeing credit for... zzz...
Gandalf: Takeing credit for... YOU'RE SAYING I MADE MY SCEME UP AFTER BILBO BURNED UP?!? WHY YOU?!?
(Gandalf starts kicking Smaug but Smaug is fast asleap and doesn't nodice)

[me9996]

(The orcs takeing Merry and Pippen to isenguard)
Mounten orc 1: We must stop! We can't run under the sun!
Ugluk: Oh yeah? Well...
(We hear music and a bunch of Uruk-Hai line up into a chorus line)
Ugluk(Singing): Oh, I'm a uruk-hai and I'm okay, I run all night and I run all day!
Uruk-Hai chorus(Singing): Oh, he's an uruk-hai and he's okay, he runs all night and he runs all day!
(Right then the riders of rohan charge in and kill all the orcs, flinging donuts everwhere)

[me9996]

(Counsel of Elrond)
Elrond: We have come here, to find the fate of THE ONE SPOON! TO RULE THEM ALL!!!
(Dramatic music)
Gandalf: Frodo, the spoon.
(Frodo goes to the thingy in the middle of the balcony and puts a silver spoon on it)
Boramir: Gasp! It's-
(Quickpan to a minstrel with a mandolin or something)
Minstrel(Singing): The Spoon of Doooom The Spoon of Doooom...
(Quickpan back to the counsel of Elrond, everyone looks rather confused but they are all the same places and positions we left them in)
Boramir: What in the- What was THAT?!?
Elrond: I don't know, but I don't think we should get close to-
(Quickpan the the minstrel)
Minstrel(Singing): The Spoon of Doooom! The Spoon of Doooom!
(Quickpan back to the counsel, everyone is in the exact positions we left them in)
Boramir: ... I don't think I'm going to be able to endure this much longer.
Elrond: Well let's get the bisness at hand, what are we to do with that over there.
Gandalf: Isn't it our path clear as the sky?
Elrond: It's cloudy today.
Gandalf: ... Well we need to fling that into the fires of mount doom.
Elrond: So... Who will take -ahem- it into the fires of mount doom?
Frodo: I will take it to mount doom.
(Quickpan the minstrel)
Minstrel(Singing): Frodo, of nine fingers chose bring the spoon to mount doom! Mount doom! Mount doooom!
(Quickpan back)
Boramir(Riseing and drawing his sword): I'm gonna kill that clown!!
Elrond: Boramir, sit down. It's not worth it.
(Boramir sits down grumbleing)
Elrond: Now, master Frodo-
(Quickpan back the minstral)
Minstrel(Singing): Frodo, of the nine fingers-
(A shot rings out and the minstrel spins around and falls flat on his face, quickpan back, Elrond has a litteral smokeing gun in his hands)
Boramir: Whatever happened to "It's not worth it"?
Elrond: It's much easier to use a gun.
Boramir: Were'd that gun come from anyway?
Elrond: With all the matrix paradys I'm in...
Boramir: Ah, let's go on with the counsel.
Elrond: Huh? Oh yeah, the spoon of doom.
(Quickpan back to the minstrel who is being carried off on a strecher by two medics in white coats)
Minstrel(Singing weakly): The spoon of doooom... The spoo' of doooooo...
Medic 1: He's delirious.
Medic 2: We'd better get him to the doctor quick!
(Quickpan back, everyone in quiet)
Gandalf:... Well, I guess we'd better get going quick.
(Everyone quickly agrees)
Elrond: Well let's figure out who's going with frodo tomorrow, counsel adjourned!
(Everyone leaves quickly)

[me9996]

(Christmas eve night: Bag end, Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin are haveing a party)
Frodo: To the ring!
Other hobbits: The ring!
(They hold up mugs of eggnog, then lower them and drink out of the mugs)
Merry(To sam): This is fun party, eh?
Sam(Slurred speech): My precious...
Merry: Hey Frodo? I think Sams had too much eggnog
Frodo: That's funny, this is just eggnog and milk, no alcohol!
(Noise from the roof)
Merry: Huh? What's that?
(Out from the fireplace pops Tom Bombadill)
Tom Bombadill: Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!
Frodo: But it's not Christmas yet.
(Moments pause and then the clock starts strikeing the hour)
Frodo: Allright, now it's christmas.
Tom Bombadill: I have brought presants for christmas!
Merry: Oh goody!
(The clock stops strikeing the hour)
Pippin: Oi! Frodo! The clock struck 13!
Sam(Slurred speech): Oh poor thirteen!
Tom Bombadill: What's with him?
Frodo: I don't know, it's just eggnog and milk, no alcohol!
Tom Bombadill: Well here's the presants!
(Tom Bombadill takes out gifts from his bag)
Tom Bombadill: I now I go to deliver presants to all the other good little children!
Pippin: Um, sir? We're not children, we're hobbits!
Tom Bombadill: Eh?
(Ol' Bombadillo takes out some glasses and puts them on)
Tom Bombadill: Oh, so you are, my bad.
Merry: Nice going pip!

[me9996]

Before this first one I'd like to say that this isn't just my spelling reaching new lows.
I have given the heros of the fellowship new humorus names by design.
(Plus Orcas and bratworst from lothlordian)
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(Amon Hen)
Legless: Grimli! Argon! Ferry and Pipe'n have been kidnapped by orcas!
Argon: And Boardmere is dead!
Grimli: Oh poor Boardmere!
Argon: Everthing has been going wrong since Grandelf died!
Grimli: What about Toto and Ham?
Argon: I think they got away in one of the bratworst of lothlordian.
Legless: We'd better attend to the body of Boardmere.
Argon: And then to tracking down the orcas that took Ferry and Pipe'n.
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Okay, now to things that don't depend on humorus spelling.
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(The fellowships deparure from Lothlorian)
Gimli: Ah, cram...
(Takes a bite out of some sausage from the bag, then eats it all)
Elf1: Haha! Don't eat anymore!
Gimli: I thought it was cram.
Elf1: It is, but we call it waysausage or bratworst, one sausage can keep a full grown man on his feet through a day of hard labor.
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(Same place)
Gimli: Ah, bagels...
(Takes a bite out of a donut from the bag, then eats it all)
Elf1: Haha! Don't eat anymore!
Gimli: I thought it was a bagel.
Elf1: It is, but we call it donuts...
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[me9996]

I know it's the same day but I didn't think adding onto the last post would be a good idea.
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(Battle of helms deep from book, when Aragorn and company are returning back into the fortress)
That other guy(I forget who!): Look out! Orcs are comeing after us!
Aragorn: Oh no!
(Out from the shadows jumps Gimli)
Gimli(All while in air): Kazad-dum! My menu! Oompa-loompa! Icky icky pang! Zarum-zaboinga! NI! PANG!! NUAM!!!
(Gimli finaly hews off the heads of the orcs persueing Aragorn and company)
Aragorn: I never knew dwarves could float in the air that long.
Gimli: Hang time! YEAH!!!
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[me9996]

(Councel of Elrond)
Elrond: Frodo, the ring.
(Frodo bring the ring out)
Elrond: Now, if you will all exuse me...
(Elrond takes the ring and runs!)
Erond(In the distance): MY PRECIOUS!!!
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That's gotta be my shortest councel of Elrond bit ever! :D :p
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(Pelenor fields)
Eowen: I am no man! I'm... A LUMBERJACK!
(Or posably a lumberjill)
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Eowen: I am no man! I'm a space alien!
(Takes off helmet to show that she is a space alien)
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Eowen: I ... AM your father!
Lead Nasgul: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
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Eowen: I am no man!
Lead Nasgul: Please keep your clothes on...
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Eowen: I am no man!
Lead Nasgul: Niether am I!
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Eowen: I am no man!
Lead Nasgul: As I have said before, you are human and so something like an elf or a dwarf-
Eowen: Or a hobbit?
Lead Nasgul: Yeah, I guess a hobbit, what would a hobbit-
(Lead Nasgul is stabbed in the back by Merry)
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Eowen: I am no man!
Lead Nasgul: Oh hobbits.
Merry: Yeeeesssss?
Lead Nasgul: Oh hobbits.
(Merry stabs the Lead Nasgul)
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Eowen: I am no man!
Lead Nasgul: Then what are you? A cat?
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Eowen: I am no man!
(Lead Nasgul is run over by a truck)
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Eowen: I am no man! I am Eowen! Daughter of- Hey! Come back here!
(We see that the Lead Nasgul has been edgeing away)
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Eowen: I am no man!
Lead Nasgul: I don't have any problems with hitting a lady if you're trying to convince me not to kill you.
Eowen: Er, no.
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Eowen: I am no man!
Lead Nasgul: EH?
Eowen: I said, I AM NO MAN!
Lead Nasgul: YER NOT MAD? WELL THANK 'EE!
Eowen: UGH!
Lead Nasgul: YA WANT A HUG?!
__________________

[me9996]

(Coucel of Elrond)
Elrond: We are here to discuss the one ring to rule them all, Frodo, the ring.
(A seven foot tall hobbit sets down a ring, everone nearby looks like they've smelled something bad as soon as they see the ring -exept Legolas, who seems to be blind)
Legolas: What? What is it?
Glorfindal: It's a ring! I loath the presence of it!
Aragorn: Then don't take the presents! HAHAHA!!
Boramir: Ahem.
(Everyone turns to Boramir, who is only four feet tall)
Boramir: It is clear that we need to distroy this thingy-ma-jig!
Elrond: Aw, can't we find some other way?
Boramir:... No.

[Beren3000]

Tolkien: The Ring is an allegory for sin! :)
---------------------------------------------------
Tolkien: I like The Chronicles of Narnia, really original stuff!
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Fëanor: What? You guys aren't coming along? Fine! Let's just stay here then.
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Gandalf: I will give you a straight answer; I don't like beating around the bush.
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Sauron (in drag): Whose dumb idea was it to make rings of power? I wanted to make charm bracelets of power!
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Legolas: But we've been to the beach last weekend. Can't we go to the movies instead?
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Illuvatar: What's with all the singing? Can't a god catch some sleep around here?
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Gimli: Shiver me timbers!
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Beren: I'm a manly man who doesn't need to be rescued by his girlfriend! :p
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[me9996]

Eowen: I am no-
(Eowen is killed by Tom Bombadill)
Bombadill: Allright! The next one to try that gag shares her fate! :mad:
Lead Nasgul: Thank you!
Bombadill: Well I aint human, am I? So I can kill you, can't I? :evil:
(Tom Bombadill is run over by a passing 18-wheeler)
Lead Nasgul: ... Does this mean I can leave now?
(Enter Goldberry)
Goldberry: *Gasp!* Tom is dead!
Lead Nasgul: I didn't do it!
(Lead Nasgul runs and is chased by Goldberry who is now swinging around a two-handed sword)
Lead Nasgul: HELP!!!
(Enter Gimli, armed with a machine gun)
Gimli: Kazad-Dum my menu'!
(Gimli shoots wildly killing Goldberry but missing the Nasgul entirely)
Gimli: Oops.
Pippin: Now I will kill you nasty Nasgul!
Merry: But I'm the one who kills him!
Lead Nasgul: AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!
(Lead Nasgul runs down the streets of Minas Tirith screaming, all the way warrior try to kill him but end up hitting other warriors, meanwhile at the top of the city)
Denethor: I will burn like kings of old! And there's nothing you can do-
(Enter Lead Nasgul still screaming)
Gandalf: What the?
(Denethor kills Lead Nasgul -the end)
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(Frodo and Sam are marching along with the orcs in mordor)
Sam: How are we going to get out of this one Mr. Frodo?
???(Off screen): Oi! What are you doing?
Big orc(Off screen): We're takeing these guys to war! Ya got a problem with that?
???(Off screen): Do they want to go?
Big orc(Off screen): What? No, and if you ask again I'll gut your-
???(Off screen): Then by the order of knighthood I persist I must free them!
Big orc(Off screen): What? Why I'll- ACK!
Frodo: Looks like hope sam!
(Then who should come in spearing orcs left and right but Don Quixote)
Frodo: RUN!!!
(Sam and Frodo run)
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[me9996]

(Council of Elrond)
Elrond: So this is the one ring to rule them all, we must distroy it!
???:Exuse me, could I have that back?
Elrond: Huh?
(Then who should enter but Souron himself, Elrond screams like a girl at this)
Souron: Exuse me, but I'd like my ring back.
Gandalf: But it's the one ring to rule them all!
Souron: *Laughs* I can't beleave you fell for that old rumor!
Gandalf: Huh? What do you-
Souron: The ring never had any power! Rings don't have magical powers!
Bilbo: But when I put on the ring I turned invisable!
Souron: It was all in your head! You think it will turn you invisable but the ring had nothing to do with it!
Bilbo: But hobbits don't just turn invisable.
Souron: It probably had more to do with the nuclear mill Ted Sandyman set up than my ring.
Legolas: What about Gollum?
Souron: He's just crazy... And I just want my ring back.
Elrond: I still don't trust you.
Souron: Oh come on! Those days are over! I'm trying for cultural victory now.
Elrond: What?!
Souron: Oh yeah, I have started my orcs on building a wonder and once it is done only 400 years till I win!
Frodo(Wispering to Elrond): I think he's played a bit too much age of empires.

[Ingwe]

^ LoLoL ROFLCOPTER that killed me with laughter. A lot of these did. :D :p

- The first meeting of the Fellowship after Frodo awakens from his "OMG the ring has been destroyed and the inertia of it put me into a coma" coma -

Aragorn: "How exactly did you destroy the Ring, Frodo?"
Frodo: "I gave it to Gollum because he was suicidal and so he took it with him on his way to the lava."
Legolas: "I killed lots of orcs."
Frodo: "O RLY?"
Legolas: "YA RLY!"
Aragorn: "NO WAI, You don't say!"
Legolas: "YA WAI!"
Frodo (whispering to Sam): "Is it just me or is Legolas in love with himself?"
Sam (whispering back to Frodo): "Hmm, and I thought it was just my imagination."
Frodo (whispering to Sam): "Oh, I thought he was in love with Gimli."
Sam (responding in a whisper): "Nah, Gimli rejected him because he was in love with Galadriel."
Frodo: "Oh wow, I wonder if Celeborn knows?"
Sam: "Nah, and even if he did, no one punches a Dwarf."
Legolas: "Um, what was that Frodo and Sam?"
Frodo: "Oh oh, nothing. I was just discussing with Sam that we should make an effort to get tickets to the Superbowl next year."
Legolas: "Oh...did I mention I killed a Mumakil and slid down its trunk whilst it was falling dead to the ground after I put three arrows in its head, ALL AT ONCE!!??!"
Frodo: "Wow, that's quite a feat."
Aragorn (whispering to Gimli): "I get what you Dwarves meant by Elves being full of themselves."
Legolas: "HEY! I heard that!"
Gimli: "Don't put an arrow in him, calm down boy!"
Legolas: "I am no BOY, Dwarf!"
* Gimli raises his axe. *
Gimli: "What happened to 'what about side-by-side with a friend'?"
Legolas: "To Udun with that!"
Aragorn: "Relax relax relax, Legolas. We're friends, that's what we do. It's just that Frodo has a story to tell us as well. No doubt Middle Earth will hear about your feats when you release your book."
Legolas: "I hope 'I am Legolas, So Can You' becomes a best-seller."
Sam: "Ah, nothing will be better than 'Star Wars Episode I' which is coming out in May of next year."
Pippin: "I heard that it's already in production, but that the acting is really bad."
Frodo: "Can we get back to the Ring perhaps?"
Merry: "Hey Frodo, this is STAR WARS! It's the biggest thing that's ever happened, EVER!"
* Frodo rolls his eyes, so does Aragorn. *
Sam: "Oooh, I've heard that the kid in the first movie gets a big black suit in the third movie and becomes super duper dag-nasty evil!"
Legolas: "I wonder, me versus Darth Vader..."
Gimli: "You're dreaming, Elf."
* Legolas gives Gimli a nasty death-stare. *
Frodo: "Sam, I thought you said that the tale of the Ring would be the greatest story a Hobbit ever wrote!?"
Sam: "Well this is Star Wars!"
Frodo: "Sam....."
Sam: "Okay, we'll talk about the stupid rings!"
Frodo: "Well, so this is how I survived the Morgul blade...."
* Galadriel walks in. *
Galadriel: "Did you just hear the news you guys???!! STAR WARS!!!"
* Everyone except Frodo cheers. *
Aragorn: "Hey, I thought you said we wouldn't meet again, upon our last meeting."
Galadriel: "Yeah, but now Star Wars is coming out, so everything's changed! It is the one theatrical production to rule them all!"
Frodo: "Galadriel! What gives!?"
Galadriel: "Now that the Ring is gone, we can now concentrate on our next mission!"
* Elrond walks in. *
Elrond: "We must go to Orthanc. Apparently Star Wars was originally one of Saruman's early works that Faramir and Eowyn have been remastering in THX!"
Sam: "THX...what does that stand for?"
Elrond: "Not fully aware. I think it means Thanks...as in 'Thanks for the really cool graphics and special effects.'"
Gandalf: "The journey to Orthanc might be dangerous. We shall take the hobbits, the self-inundated Elf, the angry Dwarf, the King, and the grumpy wizard...erm wait a minute..."
* Glorfindel walks in. *
Glorfindel: "Oh dang it! I don't get to go AGAIN!?"
Galadriel: "I like cheese."
Gandalf: "Galadriel is right, cheese is good!"
Elrond: "Then it is agreed. But we only have 8 in the Fellowship now. Who else is to go, since I like the number 9 and I'm obsessive-compulsive like that...?"
Glorfindel (whispering loudly, as if someone outside the room is talking): "Glorfindel...Glorfindel."
* Everyone ignores Glorfindel. *
* Haldir walks in. *
Aragorn: "How about Haldir!? Um...wait a minute. I thought you were dead!"
Haldir: "I WAS!"

* DUN DUN DUN....... *

[me9996]

Thanks!
__________________
(Pelenor field)
Lead Nasgul: No man may slay me!
Eowen: I am no man!
Lead Nasgul: But you are part of the race of men anyway, aren't you?
Merry: So I can kill you!
Eowen: No, you're a male hobbit so you can't kill him.
Merry: I'm not human so I can kill him!
Eowen: But you're a guy! I'm not a guy so I can kill him and you can't!
(Arwen marches in and kills the Lead Nasgul)
Arwen: I am neither a Guy nor a human! So there!
Peter Jackson: You aren't in the scean!
Arwen: I wasn't at the river crossing with the nasgul either! So there!

[me9996]

Sam: I am Sam! Sam I am! Would you like some Lembras bread?
Gollum: NO! NASTY ELF BREAD! Do you hear what I said? I don't like elf bread!
Sam: Would you eat in with a Mumukil? Would you please eat your fill?
Gollum: I will not eat it with a Mumukil! I do not like elf bread! I do not like it I said!
Sam: Would you eat it with an elf? It would be bad to-
Gollum: NOOOO!!!!

[me9996]

Theoden: We shall go to war! That is, as soon as my lucky undershirt gets back from the cleaners.
Errend Rider: But by then the orcs will be feasting! Enjoying the spoilers -I mean spoils- of Minas Tirith!
Theoden: Then let us disturb their feasting! I'm not going to war without my lucky undershirt!
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(Aragorn looking down from the walls of Helms deep)
Aragorn: Look, the dawn comes!
Uruk-Hai 1: What do we care? We are fighting Uruk-Hai! We fight all day and we-
(Uruk-Hai 1 is knocked out by Uruk-Hai 3, who is tired of these songs)
Uruk-Hai 2: And besides, that's not the dawn! That's the midnight sun!
Aragorn: The what??
Uruk-Hai 2: In the most northernly parts of the world in the dead of winter the sun occasionally rises around midnight due to Middle Earth's rotation.
Aragorn: ... Huh?
Uruk-Hai: It'll go down again in a little while.
Aragorn: ... The treachery of Saruman runs deeper than we thought! He has spun Middle Earth to make the sun rise at midnight!
Assembled goodguys: OH NO!!!
__________________
(Near Fangorn, the orcs who captured Merry andd pippin pull up in Jeeps)
Ugluk: Get a fire going!
(A few orcs go do this, the others just unload)
Uruk-Hai 3: We ain't had nothing but maggoty bread for three stinkin' days!
Funny sounding orc: Yeah!
(Funny sounding orc looks over at the jeep with Merry and Pippin in it)
Funny sounding orc: What about them? They're fresh!
Ugluk: What? No! Windshield wipers are not for eating!
Funny sounding orc: Aw...
__________________

[me9996]

Late Christmas one... Realy late...
__________________
(Merry, Pippin, Frodo, and Sam are christmas carroling)
Hobbits(Singing): We wish you a merry christmas, we-
Aragorn: Guess what! I found out what figgy pudding is!
Pippin: What is it?
Aragorn: It's sorta' like a steamed cake, it takes hours to cook though.
Pippin: That sounds gross!
Aragorn: Here! I made one!
(Aragorn takes out a figgy pudding that looks realy realy bad)
Hobbits: EW!!!
(The hobbit leave in a hurry)
Aragorn: Wait up!
(Aragorn chases after them)
__________________

[me9996]

Has it ever happened to anyone else to be almost the only poster on a thread?
__________________
(Councel of Elrond)
Elrond: And now, we gather here to deside the fate of the one ring.
(Everyone looks at the ring, which is somehow on a pedistal in the middle of the room)
Elrond: So... Any ideas?
Gandalf: Well we must fling it into-
(Light ringing noise, like a small bell)
Gandalf(Heavy german accent): The kracks off doom! The only question iz:
(Same ringing noise)
Gandalf(French accent): Who will take zee ring to zee cracks of zee doom?
Frodo: I will take the ring!
(Ringing noise again)
Gandalf(Jamacan accent): But you can't go alone mon! We must-
(Ringing noise)
Gandalf(English accent): send some people with you, pip pip, cheerio!
Aragorn: I will go!
Legolas: I will go!
Gimli: I will go!
Sam: I will go!
(Ringing noise)
Gandalf(American surfer accent): But we still -like- need more -like- people dudes!
Merry & Pippin: We'll go!
Boramir: I'd better come along to keep an eye on that ring.
(Ringing noise)
Gandalf(Indian accent): Okay then, I will come too and we will be the fellowship of the-
(Ringing noise)
Gandalf(Rushen accent): Ring.

[Jon S.]

No.

:p

[me9996]

(Point where Gandalf tells Frodo about the ring)
Gandalf: Frodo, hand me the ring.
Frodo: Okay...
(Frodo slowly hands Gandalf the ring, Gandalf flings the ring in the fire)
Frodo: AHHH!!!
Gandalf: Don't worry, it won't melt.
Frodo: But it's in the fire!
Gandalf: No it isn't, it's behind your ear!
(Gandalf takes the ring out from behind Frodo's ear)
Frodo(Very annoyed): Gandalf!! Will you quit the this simple conjuring of cheap tricks?!?

[me9996]

Tom Bombadill(Singing): Oh I'm Tom Bombadill and I'm okay! I skip all night and I skip all day!
Tree chorus(Singing): Oh he's Tom Bombadill and he's okay! He skips all night and he skips all day!
Tom Bombadill(Singing): Oh I'm Tom Bombadill and I'm okay! I gather white lillys for my pretty lady!
Tree chorus(Singing): Oh he's Tom Bombadill and he's okay! He gather white lillys for his pretty lady...
Tree 2: Huh?
Tree 3: I quit!
(Tree chorus leaves)
Tom Bombadill: Hey! Come back here or I'll sing your leaves off!
Tree2(Off stage): You allready are!

[The Sasquatch of Fangorn]

Uruks are running through Rohan with merry and pippin

Uruk 1: *sniffs*

Uruk 2: "What is it? What do you smell?"

Uruk 1: *sniffs one more time* " Man-flesh! No, wait sorry. That's just barbecue!

Uruk 3: What are they cooking?

Uruk 1: Hamburgers, chicken, and hot dogs!

Uruk 2; Looks like meat is back on the menu boys!

[melissalive33]

Feanor has just created the simarils, and is having a party to celebrate. suddenly, Barbie Girl by Aqua is playing very loudly (don't ask), and he also grabs Galadrials hand to dance with her. she's pissed out of her mind.

Hi, Glad!
Hi, Feo! (falls over)
(pulling her up) You wanna go for a ride?
Sure, Feo!
Jump in! (both fall into an opentop sportscar. Feanor takes the wheel and zooms around the plains of Valinor).

(Galadriel) I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world
Life in plastic, it's brill (throws up over edge of car)
You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere (feanor looks long and hard at her breasts. Manages to just advoid the Trees).
Imagination, life is your creation (throws up again. Feanor does a thumbs up to Eru).
(Feanor) Thanks dude!

(Feanor) You're my doll, rock'n'roll (smokes a bit of weed whilst also imitating hitting drums), feel the glamouring and pain (takes his shoes and socks off. Puts car on autopilet and at high speed).
Kiss me here (touches d**k), touch me there (touches knee) , hanky panky (she touches him lightley on the knee).

(Galadriel) Make me walk, make me talk, do whatever you please
I can act like a star, I can beg on my knees. (during this, she takes off her shoes and dress, and he takes off his shirt and trousers. They are both totally naked).

(both together) You can touch, you can play
If you say: "I'm always yours". (Feanor stops the car. Galadriel gets on top of him, and is about to do "it" when...)

(Finarfin) What the effing hell are you doing?!
(Finwe) Yes Feanor, you were about to have sex with your step-niece!
(Feanor) I know that, but I really wanted a bit of her hair, and when she said no...
(Finwe) You, young man, are grounded for 12 years.
(Feanor) But dad, I've just created the most...
(Finwe) I don't ******* care, you're still grounded.
(Finarfin) That goes for you too, but for as well as taking drink, you're grounded for an extra 15 years.
(Galadriel, getting up from the floor) But daddy, it's not my fault. (she bursts into tears).




um i think you have a bit too much time on your hands.

[me9996]

Feramir(Singing): I told the Witch King that I was in love with you.
(Dun dun dun)
Feramir(Singing): I told the Witch King that I was in love with you!
(Dun dun dun)
Feremir(Singing): My friend the Witch King he told me what do do he said say:
Ooo-ah ooo ah-ah bing bang walla-walla bing-bang
Ooo-ah ooo ah-ah bing-bang walla-walla bing-bang!
(Ect.)

[luvEyowen]

Wow. This thread is getting reallllly annoying:)

(Saruman finishes his speech about how Gandalf wants the staffs of all five wizards, etc. etc.)
Gandlf: Well, yeah, I do. BUT THAT IS AGAINST THE POINT! YOU ARE AN EVIL WIZARD!!!!!
Saruman: NO IM NOT!!!!
G: Than who made all thos Uruk-Hai over there?
Uruk-Hai 1: Grrrrrrrr
S: not me! My, ummmmmm, evil clone! Namuras!
U-H1: GRRRRRRRRRRRrrrr
G: Really?:eek:
S:UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
(Uruk-Hai army rushes at gandalf. Gandalf sidesteps. Uruk-Hai knock down Isengard.)
U-H1:Oops. :o

[me9996]

(Right after Saruman has had his staff broken and been dismissed by Gandalf)
Gandalf: Well that could have gone better
(Wormtonge throws the palateir at Gandalf but misses and hits the flagstone Merry is standing on, which in turn flings Merry off into one the many ponds that now fill Isenguard)
Merry: Help! Help!
Aragorn: Shouldn't someone go get him?
Gandalf: Nah, after nearly drowning he'll take better to advice about water.

[me9996]

It's the fourth of july so -as I have before- I am going to try to make a funny involving orcs and fireworks...
__________________
Orc 1: I wonder why Gandalf isn't doing a fireworks display this year...
Orc 2: Yeah, he's done it every year up till now.
Orc 1: But we'll have fireworks anyway! Know why?
Orc 2: No...
Orc 1: I'm going to put on a fireworks display!
(Orc 1 draws a large fireworks rocket out of his pocket)
Orc 1: You know, this rocket was pretty hard to find for some reason...
(A police officer shows up and arrests Orc 1 for possession of illegal fireworks)

[Alec]

continue the tread :thumb: