Trying a mystery/comidy story

[me9996]

Okay, in another thread here I nodiced that nobody here makes mystery storys so here I go, it uses somewhat genaric (If I'm useing the term correctly) caricters.

I'm also includeing some comic elements as I don't think I could keep a dramadic thing.

And it's in more of a script form.

Here I go...
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(Seting:Interior, the parlor, night. The butler, the maid and the cook are there, the cook is eating potato chips)
Cook:Anyone want some chips?
Butler:I'm too nervous.
Maid:Me too.
(The maid has a rushen actcent)
Butler:Mr. John is late, Decectives shouldn't be late...
(The decective (Mr. John) and a police officer come in)
Decective:Hello, my name is Decective John J. John-
Maid:We know that! Why are we here?!?
(The decective looks annoyed)
Decective:...And this is officer Smith.
Officer Smith:Hello!
(Officer Smith waves, The decective looks annoyed)
Decective:And we are here becaulse...
(Lightning strikes)
Decective:The Duke of Argule has been murdered!
(Lightning strikes again)
Decective:But the murderer was clever and we must figure out how and were he was murdered!
(Lightning strikes yet again)
Cook:Yay! It's like a game of clue!
(The decective looks annoyed)
Decective:First we must examine the body! Officer?
(Officer Smith rolls a little cart with a body on it)
Decective:Were is the wound?
Officer Smith:On his head.
Decective:Okay... Let's look at it.
(They uncover the head and it's got bullet hole in it)
Decective:What do you subose killed him?
Officer Smith:Well we found this at the crime sceen.
(Officer Smith holds up a very dirty gun)
Decective:Hmm... It seems to have blood on it...
(The cook looks sick)
Decective:Now to figure out were he was murdered!
Officer Smith:Well we found him in the librery.
Decective:On we go!
(They all go to the librery)
Officer Smith:Here's were we found him.
(Officer Smith points to a chalk outline and an icky stain)
Cook:Ew...
Decective:Useing my awesome powers of deduction I deduct that this is were he was killed!
(Everyone aplades)
Officer Smith:How does he do it?
Decective:Now to figure out who killed him!
(Lightning strikes yet another time)
Decective:Now the reson why you're here!
(The decective points at the Butler, the cook, and the maid.)
Maid:But shurely you don't think I did it!
Decective:Back to the body!
Cook:But I gotta go to the bathroom!
Decective:Okay, but meet us at the body!
(Later, they're all in the parlor)
Butler:How did the cook beat us here?
Decective:That, my friend is a mystery for another day... now officer, do you have the cloaths the duke of Argule was wereing when he was killed?
Officer Smith:They're still on him.
Decective:Oh.
(They uncover the body, the duke is wereing a nice suit)
Decective:Look! A white thread! Now all we have to do it figure out who's wereing white!
(He looks up, the butler, the maid, and the cook are all wereing white)
Officer Smith:I just thought of something, the gun was stained, and all the suspects are wereing white so wouldn't the person have stained cloathing?
Decective:Hmmm...
(The cook's wereing stained cloathing)
Decective:Aha! You did it!
Cook:But I handle raw meat all the time!
Decective:And yet you were so grossed out by the blood!
Cook:Allright you cought me!
Decective:Another case solved by Decective John J. John!
Butler:And the butler didn't even do it!

The End.
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P.S.
You can post coments now, they would be very welcome :D

[Curubethion]

*chuckle*
That was a pretty good one. I like the closing line.

[Nurvingiel]

I enjoyed it too, especially the lightning striking at dramatic moments, and the end. The script format kept it very fast-paced as well.

I took the liberty of running it through a spell-check for you. ;)

(Seting: Interior, the parlor, night. The butler, the maid and the cook are there, the cook is eating potato chips)
Cook: Anyone want some chips?
Butler: I'm too nervous.
Maid: Me too.
(The maid has a Russian accent)
Butler: Mr. John is late, Detectives shouldn't be late...
(The detective (Mr. John) and a police officer come in)
Detective: Hello, my name is Detective John J. John-
Maid: We know that! Why are we here?!?
(The detective looks annoyed)
Detective: ...And this is officer Smith.
Officer Smith: Hello!
(Officer Smith waves, The detective looks annoyed)
Detective: And we are here because...
(Lightning strikes)
Detective: The Duke of Argule has been murdered!
(Lightning strikes again)
Detective: But the murderer was clever and we must figure out how and were he was murdered!
(Lightning strikes yet again)
Cook: Yay! It's like a game of clue!
(The detective looks annoyed)
Detective: First we must examine the body! Officer?
(Officer Smith rolls a little cart with a body on it)
Detective: Were is the wound?
Officer Smith: On his head.
Detective: Okay... Let's look at it.
(They uncover the head and it's got bullet hole in it)
Detective: What do you suppose killed him?
Officer Smith: Well we found this at the crime scene.
(Officer Smith holds up a very dirty gun)
Detective: Hmm... It seems to have blood on it...
(The cook looks sick)
Detective: Now to figure out were he was murdered!
Officer Smith: Well we found him in the library.
Detective: On we go!
(They all go to the library)
Officer Smith: Here's were we found him.
(Officer Smith points to a chalk outline and an icky stain)
Cook: Ew...
Detective: Using my awesome powers of deduction I deduct that this is were he was killed!
(Everyone applauds)
Officer Smith: How does he do it?
Detective: Now to figure out who killed him!
(Lightning strikes yet another time)
Detective: Now the reason why you're here!
(The detective points at the Butler, the cook, and the maid.)
Maid: But surely you don't think I did it!
Detective: Back to the body!
Cook: But I gotta go to the bathroom!
Detective: Okay, but meet us at the body!
(Later, they're all in the parlor)
Butler: How did the cook beat us here?
Detective: That, my friend is a mystery for another day... now officer, do you have the clothes the duke of Argule was wearing when he was killed?
Officer Smith: They're still on him.
Detective: Oh.
(They uncover the body, the duke is wearing a nice suit)
Detective: Look! A white thread! Now all we have to do it figure out who's wearing white!
(He looks up, the butler, the maid, and the cook are all wearing white)
Officer Smith: I just thought of something, the gun was stained, and all the suspects are wearing white so wouldn't the person have stained clothing?
Detective: Hmmm...
(The cook's wearing stained clothing)
Detective: Aha! You did it!
Cook: But I handle raw meat all the time!
Detective: And yet you were so grossed out by the blood!
Cook: Alright you caught me!
Detective: Another case solved by Detective John J. John!
Butler: And the butler didn't even do it!

The End.


Took five minutes. ;)

[Acalewia]

The closing line is priceless!

[Gwaimir Windgem]

I approve of the final line.

[hectorberlioz]

Ditto, those poor butlers get accused of everything under the sun... :p

[tolkienfan]

I really liked it me9996. You should write a sequel. :)

[me9996]

I... Did, it's right here: Linky (http://entmoot.tolkientrail.com/showthread.php?t=13676)

I was going to make a third but I couldn't think of another genaric mystery setting and charictar set.