Bring It On!!!

[Lady Ravyn]

This is a thread for anyone who REALLY needs their work to be criticised, ripped completely to shreds, no holes barred. whether it's for school, a contest (like mine :D ) or before you send it to the Publishing Gods, this is where to pin it. remember: no offense should be taken, blah, blah, blah, you know the drill. :) if you're going to critique someone's work here, please give them the courtesy of being honest, even if you have to be brutal in order to do so.
so, post away; it can be a poem, a short story, whatever.
remember: you asked for it! :D

[Estel13]

Ok, I'm asking for it: I would really like some more feedback on my poem "What If?". Thank you.

[Lady Ravyn]

ok, so i need this poem critiqued before i enter it in a contest. i just want a little extra confidence boost that my work is all it can be and i need your help. :D
there are 2 of them:

Stripped

I've gotten to the center of
this Tootsie Roll Pop,
and I've forgotten how many
licks it took
to get here.

This chocolate-covered cherry
is melted and
my ice cream just fell in the dirt.

I've seen too much
living being done
by other M&M's, and I
don't like the look of
that storm on the horizon.
I want a blanket to crawl under,
and someone to tell me,
"It's okay".

So give me back my
rose-tinted glasses,
and pass me the sugar bowl-
the world needs to be coated again.
************************************************** **
Permanence

I want to plant my thoughts
like seeds in April,
and watch them grow
in other people's minds,
the assurance that
I'll live on.

I want to steep my soul
in the writers before me-
Tolkien, Dickinson, Frost-
brew them into a tea so strong
that they issue from my mouth
with every word.

I want to be as decided as ink,
to write always in the confidence
of permanent marker.

[Estel13]

Your poems are...interesting. They're not really my taste, so I'm not the best judge, but...

On the First: It's good. Light-hearted, it gives you laugh, until the last line, which gives the rest of it a more serious air.

On the Second: A homage to other authors. It makes you pause and think. You need to go back and re-read it to get the full meaning of the whole poem. Short, concise, and to the point.


By the way, my poem "What If?" has it's own thread in this forum.

[Lady Ravyn]

i read it, and it's pretty good- but it has the potential to be REALLY good. first of all, i'd space out your verses a bit; you have them all bunched together, and it makes it hard to read. it also makes you sound redundant, even though you're not being redundant, it's just the style of the poem. i'd also consider changing the second verse; make it a little different from the first and third verses, that way your audience won't loose interest.
over all, however, i'd say it's a good poem; i like the context it's in, and i like the point of it. :)

[Elf Girl]

PLEASE critique my only fanfic at http://www.fanfiction.net/profile.php?userid=431332 .