Short Story

[Pirate]

I worte this a few weeks ago and I wanted to know what you guys think.

Lilly-Rose was in a bad mood. Her breath was full of unhappy sighs and her eyes kept to the ground. Alone, walking through the lifeless streets of her tiny town she let her mind wander. She had grown up in the town. She had never left it except for when her grandfather had died, years ago.

Her wandering mind took her away from the lifelessness around her. She went to Paris, then went to school and pushed Becky into the swimming pool during gym class like she should have. She went home and when her mother began her complaints of how she never does anything, so she would tell her mother to "**** off" then walked into her room. She went to her dance class that she quit after going to two lessons because Becky and Jessica where in it, and she told them they should just shut-up and stop spreading bad rumors.

It was not fair, what those two did. Becky was not that thin, she had horse teeth and a mousey nose, and yet every boy in the 6th grade wanted her. Jessica was her little side kick and together they ruled the school and made fun of all the underlings that did not call them "god." Lilly-rose would never call them god, so they made her life hell. No boy would ever want her except the ones the Jon made fun of. Jon was Becky's boyfriend and had rule over the male popularity chart. The boys Jon put at the bottom of the ladder where the only ones that thought Lilly-Rose was pretty. She did not want boys like that. She wanted Jon's best friend, he was mean but so cute and funny. She has tried to become more in their eyes by telling Angie her butt crack was showing and, sure, they laughed, but acceptance would not come that easily.

Lilly-Rose pulled her mind out of school and into daydreams of she and Jon's friend. Curly brown jocks of hair hid beneath two dark brown eyes. He held her hand as she walked and kept her from feeling so alone. Then she remembered he wouldn't ever want her if he already has Jessica. Lilly-rose changed the subject to what she would do tomorrow when she went back to school. The clouds had lifted and she had an answer to all her problems as she walked into a small hunting shop.

What happens next is up to the reader.

[Lalaith_Elf]

It's good. Though may I make a few suggestions?


She went to Paris, then went to school and pushed Becky into the swimming pool during gym class like she should have. She went home and when her mother began her complaints of how she never does anything, so she would tell her mother to "**** off" then walked into her room. She went to her dance class that she quit after going to two lessons because Becky and Jessica where in it, and she told them they should just shut-up and stop spreading bad rumors.

Try not to start so many sentences with "she". It can be hard but over using it makes the story seem like a list.

Becky was not that thin, she had horse teeth and a mousey nose, and yet every boy in the 6th grade wanted her.

Try to make this sentence stand out, as it seems to be that this character is one of the main problems in your lead charcaters life. You could try something like, "Becky was not thin. She had...."

Lilly-Rose pulled her mind out of school and into daydreams of she and Jon's friend. Curly brown jocks of hair hid beneath two dark brown eyes.

It should be "her and Jon's friend" and try not to use "brown" for the descriptions of her hair and eyes. You could change this to something like "hazel".

Overall I think this is a really good start of a story. Congratulations.:)

[Rosie Gamgee]

Interesting story. Here's a few little suggestions on the first paragraph.

Lilly-rose was in a bad mood. Her breath was full of unhappy sighs and her eyes kept to the ground.
Someone's 'breath' being 'full' of 'sighs' doesn't quite sound right, as 'breath' and 'sigh' can mean almost the same thing. Maybe try something like "Every breath was an unhappy sigh..."
Also, 'her eyes kept to the ground' could be changed to 'she kept her eyes on the ground' or 'she kept her eyes turned to the ground'.
Maybe a few poetic descriptions could be added to the two sentences to radiate the weariness of our heroine. Suggestion: "Lilly-rose's face reflected the dispair that drenched her heart. Every breath was an unhappy sigh, and her listless gaze did not stray from the ground."

Alone, walking through the lifeless streets of her tiny town she let her mind wander. She had grown up in the town.
One change to this, maybe: "She had grown up in this town." Using 'the' seems to chop up the sentence, and put us outside out heroine's head. Using 'this' keeps up the image that we're walking down the street with her.