Criticise?

[DragonRyder10]

Argh. Can someone please give me some construtive criticism? I'm hopeless. :( These are just some descriptions of characters in my story. ^_^ Anywho, here goes nuttin:

The dragon's eyes were a beautiful, pure green. As if made of emeralds, they shone with intelligence and understanding. Her wings, now extending up to strech (sp?) were two-toned. The top, a muddy brown, like the riverbed she often prowled, had a few gray shapes. They looked like rocks. The bottom was pure white. Her stomach, and the bottom of her body, was white, and her back and the top of her body matched the top of her wings. She yawned, showing long, sharp teeth used to grab her prey and hold it. Her feet were webbed, for she used them to help paddle through the water. Her tail had an odd fin sticking out the tip, almost like a whales. Her belly, the only soft spot, was completely covered with spikes. She used her wings to glide in the water like a manta ray, as well as flying.
You gotta remember, this dragon hunts in the water, taking crocs, alligators, fish, anything. She's two toned because, when a fish is above her and looks down, she blends in with the river bottom. The white blends in with the light streaming down into the water. Get it?

[Nurvingiel]

Originally posted by DragonRyder10
Her wings, now extending up to stretch were two-toned.

The top, a muddy brown like the riverbed she often prowled, had a few gray, rock-like shapes.

The bottom was pure white. Her stomach, and the bottom of her body, was white, and her back and the top of her body matched the top of her wings.

Rather than saying the bottom of her wings/body, why not underside?

She yawned, showing long, sharp teeth that she used to grab and hold her prey.

Her belly, the only soft spot, was completely covered with spikes.

At this point, you've started several sentences in a row with "her". This is inevitable when describing someone, but it's nice to break up the pattern when possible. In this sentence, I see an opportunity. What about:

The only soft spot on her spike-covered body was her belly.


You gotta remember, this dragon hunts in the water, taking crocs, alligators, fish, anything. She's two toned because, when a fish is above her and looks down, she blends in with the river bottom. The white blends in with the light streaming down into the water. Get it?
I did get this impression, though you might want to mention something about what she hunts (maybe when you're talking about her claws) to further solidify this point. Great description.

[Tessar]

Her wings, now extending up to stretch (sp?) were two-toned.

Extending up to stretch where? Just 'now extending up to stretch' doesn't make sense, you need to qualify that with something like 'now extended out to their full stretch' or 'now extending up to [the rocky cave's surface/the roof/two dangerous claws of jet black]'

The top, a muddy brown, like the riverbed she often prowled, had a few gray shapes.

Here you have a problem that I tend to run into a lot myself. Too many commas ;). 'The top, a muddy brown, like the ect.' breaks up the flow too much, something like 'The top, a muddy brown like the ect.' is much smoother without the extra comma.

They looked like rocks.

You isolated this from the rest of the sentence, and that doesn't work as it breaks up the flow again big time. 'The top, a muddy brown like the riverbed she often prowled, had a few gray shapes that looked like rocks smattered across it.' flows much better, and works because it's all describing the same body part.

The bottom was pure white. Her stomach, and the bottom of her body, was white, and her back and the top of her body matched the top of her wings.

It took me a re-read to realize that you meant that the bottom of her wings were pure white as well as her stomach. You should try to work the white part of the wings into the first wing description section or qualify it with 'The bottom of the wings were pure white'.

Also 'her back and the top of her body matches the top of her wings.' would work a little better as a mental picture with 'her back and the top of her body matched the tops of her wings, a dark green speckled with gray.'

She yawned, showing long, sharp teeth used to grab her prey and hold it. Her feet were webbed, for she used them to help paddle through the water. Her tail had an odd fin sticking out the tip, almost like a whale's. Her belly, the only soft spot, was completely covered with spikes. She used her wings to glide in the water like a manta ray, as well as flying.

If her belly is completely covered with spikes, how can you tell it's white? ;).

But other than that it's quite a nice sentence, and over all I enjoyed reading the description. You present a very clear picture of what the dragon looks like and it was nice to read. :)

[DragonRyder10]

Okay. Lemme try again. I just gave the dragon a random name. It's Avala, heh.
The dragon's eyes were a beautiful, pure green. As if made of emeralds, they shone with intelligence and understanding. Her wings, now extending up to strech toward the ceiling of her cave, were two-toned. The top, a muddy brown, like the riverbed she often prowled, had a few rocky shapes smattered across, just like her back and neck. The bottom of her wings were pure white, as was her underside. She yawned, showing long, sharp teeth used to grab her prey and hold it. Her feet were webbed, for she used them to help paddle through the water. Avala's tail had an odd fin sticking out the tip, almost like a whales. She used her wings like a manta rays does, gliding through the water. Bones of Crocodiles, allagators, fish, and assorted other critters were scattered around her cave; evidence of her omnivorious qualities.

[Tessar]

Originally posted by DragonRyder10
Okay. Lemme try again. I just gave the dragon a random name. It's Avala, heh.
The dragon's eyes were a beautiful, pure green. As if made of emeralds, they shone with intelligence and understanding. Her wings, now extending up to strech toward the ceiling of her cave, were two-toned. The top, a muddy brown, like the riverbed she often prowled, had a few rocky shapes smattered across, just like her back and neck. The bottom of her wings were pure white, as was her underside. She yawned, showing long, sharp teeth used to grab her prey and hold it. Her feet were webbed, for she used them to help paddle through the water. Avala's tail had an odd fin sticking out the tip, almost like a whales. She used her wings like a manta rays does, gliding through the water. Bones of Crocodiles, allagators, fish, and assorted other critters were scattered around her cave; evidence of her omnivorious qualities.

Then if she has a name, use it to describe her ;). If it's a sentance then try something like:

And as he stepped out from behind a rock, he saw the dragon.

Avala's eyes were a beautiful ect. ect. ect. ;)

Exchange a few more of those 'she's for 'Avala's

[Lalaith_Elf]

Try not to start two sentences with the same word.

The top, a muddy brown, like the riverbed she often prowled, had a few rocky shapes smattered across, just like her back and neck. The bottom of her wings were pure white, as was her underside.

And also try to vary the length of your sentences. Short sentences are good, as they give the story a sort of kick (please excuse the bad description). You should add a couple of longer sentences to add depth to the description.

She used her wings like a manta rays does, gliding through the water.

Your using a plural term for a single creature. It should be "like a manta ray does" or "like manta rays do" (the latter does not sound right though).

Hope this helps:) .

[Rosie Gamgee]

I just have a little suggestion- very minute, and it seems everyone else has things covered, but in the sentence:
Originally posted by DragonRyder10
Her feet were webbed, for she used them to help paddle through the water.
I would use some kind of adjective to describe her feet in the first place- like "Her wide feet were webbed.." or "Her clawed feet were webbed.." Something to give the reader something to base the 'webbed' on, and give more of a root to the description of her feet.
Looks great! I love dragons.